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Harry Potter and the Deadly Heller

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Summary: At the end of Book 6, Ginny Weasley was in a lot of trouble despite that felix felicis potion. And then she got the most bizarre bit of luck…

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > GeneralDianeCastleFR13116173,73058836255,53514 Aug 128 Dec 12Yes

Humankind on the Earth

A/N: Disclaimer, spoilers, author’s notes, etc., are at the beginning of chapter 1.

Willow nodded to herself and said, “Step two. Get rid of evil creepiness Moldyshorts was lugging around in his pockets.”

Ginny figured Willow was doing some sort of wandless Summoning Charm, because over a dozen necklaces, rings, trinkets, and bottles flew up from hidden pockets in the still-burning robes.

Ron said, “At least he’s not carrying around any Peruvian Darkness Powder.”

Willow turned and grinned. “Ooh! Do you know where I could get some? It’s really fun to use on demons that hunt by sight.”

Ron groaned, “Get some? I can get you a huge amount. My brothers own a wizard joke shop, and they sell it.”

Willow smiled, “Awesome. We have to talk about that. Do they have a price list? Discounts for volume shoppers?”

Hermione said, “I have a price list on me. And I’m sure they’d give you a huge discount for helping Harry. They’d probably give Faith a much bigger discount if she just flirted with them first.”

Kennedy said, “Well, that’s gonna happen no matter what.”

Vi strolled over. “Pretty much goes without saying.” She held up a laptop computer and turned it so the screen faced Kennedy and Willow. “Oh, and Kennedy, your warrior? Dead! Buried under a ton of wyvern dung! The most humiliating death in the history of Warcraft! TAKE THAT!” She stormed off to wreak more computer havoc.

Ron muttered, “Merlin’s beard, they’re violent even when they’re on a computer.”

“And don’t you forget it,” Faith insisted as she strolled up with Professor McGonagall, who had just exited the castle. She looked at the corpse and calmly said, “Looks like I missed the fun.”

Buffy shrugged, “Not really. Harry’s doing okay on the trash-talking, but his quip-fu is really weak.”

Faith said, “Well you only had… what, three minutes to train him? He’ll get better in time.”

Willow looked up from where she was drawing a pentagram around Riddle’s gear. “Yeah, it’s always important to be good at talking smack to the Big Bads.”

Ginny looked at Ron, who shrugged in return. She wondered if all Californians talked like that.

Faith said, “We got the spiders hacked up or driven off. You were right. They’re total losers as soon as you chop off a couple legs. But there’s still a crapload of ‘em in the forest.”

Buffy said, “Don’t bother. If they’ve been in there for fifty years, they’re not gonna be more of a problem in one night. We’ll help the school clean the place up later.”

Faith said, “Fine. The chubby teacher in the corduroy robes said the venom was worth beaucoup bucks. I think. I figure we could do a little spider-wrangling, have some fun, and make a nice profit. But seriously, who’s named Slug-Horn? What’s wrong with these guys? Now McGonagall, that’s a cool name.”

“Thank you very much, young lady, but Professor Slughorn’s family name has been handed down from generation to generation,” said Professor McGonagall rather stiffly.

Faith wasn’t cowed in the least. “Hey, handed down from generation to generation? Same for beady eyes and tiny dicks, but that don’t make it a good thing. Now that Sprout chick, she’s your plant expert? And her name is Sprout? That’s worth a giggle. Do the kids all tease her about it? ‘Cause I would.”

There was a series of flashes in different colors, and a sharp, unpleasant smell. Ginny looked over, and Riddle’s collection of equipment was a lump of molten metal and glass.

Willow looked up and said, “Nothing worth saving or even studying. That guy was one serious creepazoid. Even the healing potions were for snakes. Or snake-o-riffic guys. And the necklaces? Eww.”

McGonagall questioned, “And is he really dead this time? Permanently? Not even returning as a ghost?”

Willow smiled up at her. “Good catch on the ghost thing. You must be one of the smart professors.” She turned to face Buffy, opened her eyes and mouth as wide as she could, and then clapped her hands to her cheeks and held them there. Kennedy and Buffy began to giggle for some reason Ginny didn’t get. “Oh no! I’m agreeing with Faith on something! This can’t be good!”

“Shove it, Red,” Faith said, but she gave Willow a big grin.

Professor McGonagall said crisply, “You may have stopped He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, but we need to get Aurors out here at once to deal with the werewolves and the Death Eaters and the sympathizers.”

Buffy said, “Yep. And you need to get some magic cops and med-techs out to Voldy’s base camp out there to help all the guys who were Imperio’ed. They probably tried to kick some ass when Willow broke their mind control, and that means they either fought or took off. Either way, they were outnumbered, and probably got hammered. If they’re not dead, they need medical help.”

Willow said, “Send Amelie and her med kit. She’s good at the non-magical treatment stuff, and she’s learning the other. And they probably need triage more than they need a magical Gregory House.”

Ginny looked at Hermione, who mouthed, ‘I’ll explain later’. Ginny figured what she really needed around this group was a dictionary of Muggle slang and pop culture references.

Buffy said, “You heard her. Amelie, grab your kit. Rachel, go with. And take a taser with you, along with that sword you’re trying to hide behind your back. Anybody who gets up and tries to attack you may just be confused. Or concussed. Zap ‘em. No punching in the face, no slashing them in the wand arm.”

“Man! You’re such a downer sometimes!”

Buffy turned her head. “Amelie? Rachel wants to carry your med kit too.”

The two girls sprinted off into the darkness, but Ginny still heard Rachel yell from a distance, “Downer!”

Buffy clapped her hands together. “You heard her. And to prove how big a downer I am, I want everybody, including Faith and Kennedy, hauling our Death Sucker buddies over here. Will, I need another magical playpen.”

Willow nodded, “I got it. And I figured something else out. Every Death Licker? Has those gross black magic tats on their arm? Moldyshorts tied it into their magical core so they couldn’t get rid of it, and he could kill them if he wanted.”

“So far, so gross,” Buffy replied.

Willow grinned wickedly. “Well, I figured out something else you can do with their tat! So we get everyone in my magical pen, and I’ll try this spell out.”

Hermione hurried over. “This isn’t going to affect every Death Eater everywhere, is it?”

Willow said, “No, just the ones in the big pentagram I’m going to draw, and… Okay, who do you know who has a Dark Mark who you don’t want to get zapped?”

Ginny looked at Hermione and rushed over too. She whispered, “Professor Snape. The guy Buffy punched in the jaw. He has a Mark, but he’s been a spy for Dumbledore ever since…”

Hermione confessed, “Ever since Riddle decided to kill Harry and his mom too.”

Willow’s eyes opened wide with surprise. “You mean… Tall, Dark, and Surly had the hots for Harry’s mom? And he’s been shafting the Dork Lard every chance he got, ever since?”

Hermione said, “And Riddle’s famous for being a really amazing Legilimens, so what he was doing was really brave.”

Ginny said, “He’s a mean teacher, and he’s really grouchy, but we don’t want him to get hurt or anything.”

Willow smiled malevolently. “Oh, I’m not going to hurt them.”

Ginny watched as Willow waved her hand, and a ball of fire appeared in her palm. Willow whispered some words that weren’t in any language Ginny had ever heard, and long, straight strings of fire leapt out of her hand to form a pentagon about a hundred feet on a side. Then more strings of fire leapt forth to connect the points of the pentagon, creating a pentagram within the pentagon. At the center of the pentagram was another pentagon, where Slayers were dumping unconscious and nearly-unconscious Death Eaters. Ginny noticed that the Slayers were being really careful not to step on any of the magically fiery lines.

Willow summoned candles and herbs out of the huge bag, and sent them off to the corners of the inner pentagon. Then she began chanting something in one of those weird languages, while the herbs dove into the lit candles and burned themselves up.

There was a brilliant flash, and for a split second it looked like jagged blue arcs leapt across the corners of the inner pentagon, trapping the piled-up Death Eaters under a fiery blue cage. Then the light was gone.

Willow sagged to her knees. She slowly dusted off her hands and turned to McGonagall. “Done! Now we don’t have to worry about them.”

Professor McGonagall gasped, “What did you do?”

Willow shrugged a little. “Since they wanted to have their magical cores tied into Moldyshorts’s power through those tats, I just used the conduit that was already there and bound them. They can’t access their magical cores until you guys ask me to undo the spell. But I can do it on a case by case basis, if you want.”

Professor McGonagall looked like she was going to faint. “You- you turned them all into squibs?”

Ron laughed out loud. “Wow, that’s like the coolest thing you could have possibly done to ‘em! Not counting turning them into ferrets and dropping them down Riddle’s pants.”

Hermione said, “That is possibly the cruelest thing you could have done to them. Without their magic, they’re nothing. Their entire sense of self-worth and superiority is tied into their Pureblood heritage and their power as wizards.”

Willow said, “I never said I was a nice witch.”

Harry said, “But that’s it! Riddle’s dead. His followers are finished... We’ve actually won! I never really thought we could win this… completely.”

Hermione sagged to the ground. “It’s over. Just like that, it’s over.”

Willow walked over and patted her on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, you’ll feel like this the first couple apocalypses you stop.”

Hermione stared at Willow in horror. “The first COUPLE?”
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