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Harry Potter and the Deadly Heller

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Summary: At the end of Book 6, Ginny Weasley was in a lot of trouble despite that felix felicis potion. And then she got the most bizarre bit of luck…

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > GeneralDianeCastleFR13116173,73053834241,70814 Aug 128 Dec 12Yes

NOTE: This chapter is rated FR15

For the Man and for His Wife

A/N: This chapter is FR15.
A/N: Disclaimer, spoilers, author’s notes, etc., are at the beginning of chapter 1.



It was still just barely light out when they apparated to the top of the building behind the deserted shop. They had broomsticks ready so Ron and Hermione could block the alley at each end. They were all under Disillusionment Charms except Ginny, who was under Harry’s cloak again.

Ginny heard footsteps, and she peered over the edge of the roof. A nervous man in a suit and hat stealthily slipped down the alley. And he was a man, not a vampire. She could feel he wasn’t a vampire. And he was walking through the last of the sunlight. He knocked on the door and waited until someone inside opened a peephole. He whispered, “Hepzibah sent me.”

A man inside said, “Password?”

“Umm, blood drive.”

And the door opened. The man hurriedly slipped inside.

Once Ginny told the others what she had just heard, Ron said, “Merlin’s baggy Y-fronts! What’s that all about?”

Harry said, “I guess we’re going to have to find out.”

Ron muttered, “Crazy Muggles. Do vampires have delivery takeout now?”

Hermione asked, “How do you know about take-out and delivery?”

Ron said, “Fred and George keep going on about this place near their flat that brings them Chinese food. They just have to keep Muggle money around. I don’t get why some general named Tso makes chicken for them, but they probably made that up.”

Hermione started to lecture, “Ron, General Tso’s Chicken is…”

Ginny hushed them. She whispered, “More footsteps.”

This time it was two ugly, tough-looking twenty-somethings in leather jackets. But they were human, not vampires. They said the same words and the same password, and were let in.

About ten minutes later, it was a dumpy woman in a business suit that hung badly on her.

“What is going on here?” hissed Hermione.

Harry asked, “Ginny, are these vampires? Or demons?”

“No,” she quickly replied. “I’m not feeling anything off them. I don’t know what’s going on. But there are still vampires inside.”

Ron said, “And not a lot of screaming in panic.”

Ginny heard something coming from the lower floor. It sounded like… “Oh Merlin.”

“What?” Hermione asked.

“I can hear from that room down there,” she pointed. “It sounds like…” She sighed, “Like the time I accidentally caught Blaise Zabini and Morag MacDougall…”

“Kissing?” Ron asked.

“No.”

Hermione sighed, “Having sex? Where?”

Ginny admitted, “In the downstairs Divination classroom. And she was… really enjoying it. And loud.”

Harry choked, “They’re over there having sex with vampires? Are they crazy?”

The door opened, and the man in the business suit slipped out. He looked exhausted but in one piece.

Ron said, “This may not be the most disturbing thing I ever heard of, but it’s close. Maybe top three.”

As they stood there, another man snuck down the alley and went in.

Harry said, “What are we going to do?”

Ginny growled, “They’re vampires.”

Hermione hissed, “They’re prostitutes!”

Ron said, “But if they’re prostitutes, then they won’t kill anyone. Right? Can’t get any repeat business without live customers.”

The dumpy woman slipped out the door. She looked exhausted. And she was smiling like she’d just won a lottery. She tottered down the alley and disappeared around the corner. Shortly after that, the two guys in leather jackets walked out, kidding each other about visiting a ‘suckhouse’.

Ginny groaned, “Oh Merlin, there’s a name for places like this. How many are there if there’s a name for places like this?”

Ron said, “What did they call it? I couldn’t hear.”

“A suckhouse,” Ginny admitted.

“Eww,” Hermione whispered.

Ron finally asked, “What do we do?”

Hermione whined, “They’re vampires. But they’re not killing people. And… and… I don’t know!”

So Harry took charge. “Back to the house. We’ll talk it over there. I don’t know what else to do.”

Hermione removed the Disillusionment Charms, and they apparated back to the house.

They went to the front parlor and plopped down in seats. Ginny popped right back up. “No one told me what to do about this! I mean, no Slayer dreams, no secret messages, nothing!”

Hermione said, “There’s nothing about this sort of thing in the textbooks.”

Ron snorted. “They never put that sort of thing in the textbooks. Remember what it said about veelas?”

“Oh. Right,” Hermione pouted.

Ginny remembered what their book said about veelas in third year. But there wasn’t anything about the sexual aspect of veelas. That probably wasn’t considered acceptable for ‘impressionable young minds’ to see.

Harry stood up and started pacing. “Okay. Do you kill werewolves?”

Ginny thought about Professor Lupin and said, “Not unless I really, really have to. Like Fenrir Greyback. But I’d rather take Greyback alive and let him get put in Azkaban for a zillion years.”

He nodded. “What about the types of demons who don’t hurt people?”

Ginny said, “Of course not.”

He said, “What about vampires like Sanguini, the one we met at Slughorn’s party?”

Ginny said, “He’s supposed to not be dangerous to humans. But I’d want to keep an eye on him to make sure.”

Harry asked, “So, as the Vampire Slayer, what do you do about the vampires in that shop?”

Ginny gritted her teeth. “I don’t know! I just wanted to run in there and stake every single one of them. But… they’re not killing anyone…”

“As far as we know,” said Hermione. “How many customers die of anemia later on? How many customers end up being dead? Or get vampire venereal diseases, if there even are any?”

Ron said, “I’m changing my mind. This is the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen.”

Harry asked, “What’s number two on your list?”

Ron just said, “You don’t want to know. I mean it. You really don’t want to know. It’s one of those things you can never get out of your head once you find out. And it’s a couple of our schoolmates.”

Hermione said, “I don’t want to hear about it.”

Ron just said, “Good. Because it’s gross. Being a prefect and patrolling the halls at night? You see stuff.”

Harry said, “So, what’s the Vampire Slayer going to do about that place?”

Ginny let out a deep breath. “I think the Vampire Slayer needs to pay them a visit and warn them I’m keeping an eye on them so they better not have any ‘accidents’ with customers.”

Hermione said, “There’s a new sheriff in town…”

Harry snorted in amusement, but Ginny had no idea what Hermione meant. Sometimes Ginny thought Hermione needed to write a new book for Muggle Studies, just so all the purebloods would know what these references were.

Ron said, “Take Harry for backup.”

Hermione asked, “What? You don’t want to go see the vampire hookers?”

Ron said, “I thought I’d stay here with you and we could do research together.”

Hermione hugged him. Ron gave Harry a wink over Hermione’s shoulder.

Ginny grabbed Harry’s hand and said, “Can you apparate right to the back door?”

Harry said, “Sure… Sheriff.”

They stepped through the front door onto the top step, and disapparated.



A/N: The idea of a 'suckhouse' with vampires in it is Buffyverse canon. I didn't make it up.
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