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It's Time To Put Out Their Lights…

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This story is No. 2 in the series "Tales of the Muppet Mob". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: Smile Time was trying to cut into someone else's action. They're about to learn what a big mistake *that* was.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Television > Muppets, TheGreywizardFR1512,375192,01514 Aug 1214 Aug 12Yes
Disclaimer: They all belong to either Joss and ME or the Walt Disney Company, not me. Yeah, I know that's outrageous and unconscionable, but I've learned to deal with it.

Time Frame: Begins during the Angel season five episode, 'Smile Time,' and immediately follows my previous Muppet crossover story, 'It's Time To Play The Music.'

Spoilers: None intended, but if you don’t know what happened up to this point, why are you even reading this story?

Character Bashing: None.

Feedback: Of course!

Archiving: Talk to me first, please.

Author's Note 1: Many thanks to Bill Haden and Theo (Starway_Man) for beta-ing this story.

Author's Note 2: As usual, “word” indicates speech, :: word :: indicates mental communication and { word } indicates a character's thoughts.

Author's Note 3: This is story #14 for the 2012 August Fic-A-Day Challenge.


Previously, in 'It's Time To Play The Music.'

"Animal, Sweetums," Angel groggily heard the frog saying as he tried to avoid his blonde assailant's follow-up attacks, "when Piggy's done playing with this idiot, dump the body by the docks and then head back to headquarters.

"If Smile Time thinks they can just waltz in and take a cut of our action, they're gonna find out what war's really like!"

Anything further the frog might have said went unheeded as Angel's head bounced off the wall again from another of the pig's thrust kicks, to the accompaniment of another "Hee-YAH!"


And now, in "It's Time To Punch Out Their Lights…"

Los Angeles, CA

March, 2004

"Hello, Scooter? I need you to get our hit teams prepped and ready to move," Kermit barked into his cell phone as he waited for Miss Piggy to finish playing with the Smile Time punk with the large forehead who'd been unfortunate enough to cross their path.

"I'll have the target locations I want them to hit in just a second," he went on, as he began rifling through the wallet Animal had lifted from the aforementioned idiot's pocket. After all, it wasn't like he was gonna need it, after Piggy was finished with him.

"Ah, here we are," the olive-skinned batrachian nodded approvingly as he pulled out an identification card, and then Kermit frowned as he examined the card.

"It looks like Smile Time managed to cut some kind of deal with Wolfram & Hart, because they were just talking with the new CEO of the L.A. branch," Kermit informed his consigliore, his brow narrowing with disapproval as the amphibian considered the potential ramifications of such an alliance.

"Send out six of our regular hit teams to Smile Time's studios and make sure there are no survivors. Oh, and tell Bunsen and Beaker that they're authorized to use all of the new stuff they've been working on and stockpiling, against the main Wolfram & Hart building," the CEO of Muppets, Inc. ordered.

"Considering everything I've heard about those bastards, I don't want to give them a chance to access any of their vaults," Kermit declared, "so tell them that this is gonna be a Scorched Earth operation.

"Any questions?" the singer and composer of 'The Rainbow Connection' then asked.

"No, sir," Scooter immediately answered. "I'll get our people on this right away! I estimate we should be fully operational and heading out the door within thirty minutes, boss."

"Excellent!" Kermit smiled upon hearing that last comment. "Any faster and you can put yourself down for a bonus, Scooter.

"I want my people to know that I appreciate good work."


Off to the right of the area where Miss Piggy was beating her opponent senseless, what appeared to be a balcony was affixed to the side of the second story and, within said balcony, two elderly men were sitting and watching everything going on below them.

The first man, with a pug-like face, mustache, and whiter hair than his companion, looked over to his companion and said, "I thought that the vampire with a soul supposed to be taking a big bite out of crime in the area."

"You're right," the second man, balding and with a rather prominent nose, nodded his head in agreement. "That's what he's supposed to be doing!

"Unfortunately, though," he continued, "he just seems to be biting the big one!"

Both of the elderly spectators broke out in raucous chuckles at that comment.

A moment later, the first man shook his head as he watched the scene below and commented, "Yes, indeed! I know that vampires are supposed to be bloodsuckers, but after watching Miss Piggy beat this one into the ground, I think the one we've got here just sucks!"

As more laughter filled the air, Statler and Waldorf started banging their walking sticks against the floor in amusement. The only thing missing was the opportunity for them to start heckling that stupid bear and making fun of his even stupider jokes, while watching Angel getting flattened into a bloody mess.


Wolfram & Hart Building
Top floor
Executive Suites

"Uh, Wesley? I've been getting some really strange messages from quite a few of our department heads over the last ten minutes or so, so you might want to call some of them and check if things are all right," the vampiress named Harmony Kendall informed the ex-Watcher.

"What sort of messages are you referring to, Harmony?" Wes asked Angel's undead secretary, a look of concern on his face.

"Well, uh, it's mostly been incoherent screams and some people begging for help, but Ayers down in Accounting was shouting something about a giant wastebasket eating alive anyone it caught. But since I know for a fact he likes to hit the bottle a lot, he just might be having a case of the DT's," the blonde bloodsucker replied, giving him a small moue of distaste as she described the Head of the Accounting Department.

"You didn't think that people screaming and begging for help was unusual enough to bring to my attention before now?" the expatriate Brit asked archly, his left eyebrow lifting in an expression of mixed curiosity and disdain.

"Well, this is Wolfram and Hart – and people do call this place an evil law firm for a reason, Wesley," the blonde sniffed back in an equally disdainful reply.

"You may have a point there, Harmony," Wesley agreed after a bare moment's thought. "All right, I'll call Security and see what's going on."

The Watcher turned board executive frowned as the direct line to the firm's security group continued to ring, unanswered, and so he quickly walked over to Harmony's desk and, with a few taps on the keyboard, pulled up the various security cameras' feeds.

"What in the name of –?" Wes murmured to himself as the cameras in the science lab revealed a skinny, red-haired individual with a bottle-like neck, dressed in a green checked shirt and an oversized white lab coat, spraying some unidentified solution onto several petri dishes which were scattered around the lab, while being chased by Knox and his assistants.

Scant seconds after the solution hit the petri dishes, large amorphous masses seemed to almost erupt from the dishes and began oozing across the laboratory tables, growing progressively larger with each passing second and attacking and engulfing any individual unfortunate enough to pass within their ever-growing reach.

As Wesley continued to watch in disbelief, the redheaded figure darted out the doors of the lab, locking them as he did so and trapping the staff inside with the still growing, and apparently ravenous, amoeboid creatures. Wesley was somewhat uncertain, but he thought he'd seen the redhead glance back and smile maliciously at the security camera after he'd locked the lab doors, and possibly utter a satisfied "Meep!" as he'd done so.

As the security cameras shifted to another location within the building, the former Watcher was horrified to see a group of hulking robots shaped like rabbits invade the section under surveillance and begin attacking the personnel within, ripping those unfortunates apart and then rummaging though the corpses. One of the bunny-bots then emitted a loud, mechanical-sounding "Suc-cess!" and held up what looked like a metallic carrot, which was then apparently magnetically affixed to that robot's torso.

As the camera view shifted again, Wesley witnessed an unkempt figure with wild eyes dart down the hallway, a box with a plunger protruding from it under his arm, as a small group of Wolfram & Hart security personnel chased him. The madly cackling fugitive quickly darted into the nearest men's room, with the security people close behind, only for the disheveled-looking individual to somehow run back out of the men's room and back down the same hallway. At a half-dozen yards distance from the door, he stopped running, turned and shoved down the plunger on the box held under his arm while still cackling merrily.

As a powerful explosion blew the men's room door off its hinges and buried it in the wall opposite the doorframe, that same person laughed even more wildly and darted down the hallway again, out of the camera's field of vision.

Scenes of similar horror and devastation greeted the Englishman and the airhead vampiress with every change in the security cameras' presentation.

A barrage of what looked like sharpened bananas flew through the air of one of the offices displayed, impaling several unfortunate employees to the walls behind them, the yellow peels providing a bright and cheery contrast to the darker red bloodstains splattering the walls around the bodies.

Elsewhere in the building, a grey-haired and –bearded man, his mannerisms stiff, jerky and somewhat robotic, was blocking the office door and grabbing fleeing Wolfram and Hart employees as they tried to get past him. Oddly, he just forced various hats, earmuffs or ties on them, with each of the terrified workers eagerly accepting the gifts, once they saw that he was releasing them after doing so.

As Wesley and Harmony watched, horrified, from the point of view of the next camera mounted in the hallway, as those unfortunate employees, however, discovered that each apparel of clothing exploded a few seconds later, splattering its unlucky wearer across the walls, ceiling and carpet.


Outside the Wolfram & Hart Building
Close to the front doors

Nina Ash was just about to enter the doorway leading into the main lobby of Wolfram and Hart, when she found herself accosted by a massive, dark-haired individual wearing a large fedora and a nondescript trenchcoat.

"You don't want to go in there, doll," Nina heard a very gruff voice telling her, simultaneously with someone grabbing her arm and forcibly steering her away from the entrance.

"Let me go," the blonde werewolf demanded in a low voice, her jaw set as she wrenched her arm away from her would-be assailant.

At least, that is, she *tried* to wrench her arm away, only to find her efforts were completely fruitless.

"I said, let me go," Nina demanded again as she turned a narrow-eyed glare on her would-be captor, "or I'll be forced to –"

The blonde's words quickly died in her throat as she found herself looking into two dark brown – almost black – eyes, which reflected the same animalistic spirit she'd only recently begun to be able to focus and summon at will.

"You’re new, kid," the humanoid lupine figure walking alongside her stated, as it – *he* – stared back at her. "Which is why I'm gonna do you a favor and tell you to stay far, far away from any Wolfram & Hart property, at least for tonight.

"If you don't, well, that's your choice," the werewolf shrugged. "But it'll probably be the last one you ever make."

Shaken to her core by the warning the transformed, but obviously completely under control, lycanthrope had offered her, Nina managed to nod her head, then forced herself to say, "Thank you, Mr. – uhm, I'm not exactly sure what I should call you – sir."

"Swayze," Nina heard the brown-haired canine tell her, as he released her arm and began walking away at a relaxed pace. "Rowlf Cameron Swayze.

"I play some piano, and a little guitar, at a blues place over on Lombard Street on Tuesdays and Fridays," he went on.

"There's another one of us who shows up there from time to time, too. Bass guitarist, goes by 'Oz,'" Rowlf added. "Maybe we'll see you there one night."

"Yeah, maybe you will," Nina agreed, completely dazed by the amount of power she could now feel radiating from the other figure, and the call of the wild currently making her forget all about her crush on Angel.

"Thank you again, Mr. Swayze," Nina called as the figure began disappearing into the darkness.

"Any time, kid," the werewolf's voice drifted back to her.

"And you can call me Rowlf."


Upstairs on the executive level, *all* of the phone lines to Angel's desk were ringing insistently.

After roughly a dozen rings, Harmony finally answered the outside line and snapped, "Yes?! Who is this, and what do you want? We're kinda busy here, what with all of our people being killed and everything!"

"This is the Mad Bomber," the person on the other end of the phone informed her. "And I need to talk to whoever's in charge."

"Oh. Okay, then," Harmony nodded her understanding, even though the caller couldn't possibly see her do so. "Hold on a moment, please."

Turning to Wesley, the blonde vampiress tapped the ex-Watcher on the shoulder and simply said, "It's for you," as she handed him the receiver. Looking distracted, Wesley accepted the phone and raised it to his ear.

"Hello? Who is this?" he inquired politely, the majority of his attention still focused on the security monitor screen.

"This is the Mad Bomber," Wesley heard the caller say, which immediately attracted more of his attention. "And I'm calling to tell you that there's a bomb in your building."

"What?" Wesley answered, his attention now completely focused on the phone call. "What did you just say?"

"I told you, there's a bomb in your building," the voice repeated itself. " But there's something more important you need to know."

"Yes?" Wesley replied warily, still unsure if this was just a hoax or not. "And what would that be?"

"I'm not Sandra Bullock," the voice informed him.

As Wesley stared at the phone receiver in complete bafflement, the entire Wolfram & Hart building erupted in a geyser of flame and light – and the ex-Watcher knew nothing more, ever again.


Author's post-script: For anyone who didn't get the last part, and who didn't watch the Muppet Show, when Sandra Bullock appeared as the guest star, she kept making calls throughout the episode, identifying herself as 'The Mad Bomber' as part of a running in-show joke, since she was concerned the show was going to 'bomb.'

Hers didn't; but this one did. :-)

The End

You have reached the end of "It's Time To Put Out Their Lights…". This story is complete.

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