Beer Good Fandom: Angel
/Walt Disney's Robin Hood
Wolfram & Hart (assuming it's really them) are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, et al. Prince John is technically a public domain character, though the idea that he's a cowardly lion advised by a snake was probably thought up and owned by someone at Walt Disney.Summary:
Prince John has a secret weapon in his fight against Robin Hood: his lawyers. Or well, so he thinks.
Written for snickfic
's prompt: "Wolfram & Hart is an interdimensional organization. Some of these dimensions... are Disney."Disneyland Law
"Your majessssssty," Sir Hiss greeted as he crawled into the throne room.
Prince John quickly took his thumb out of his mouth and looked up. "What is it, snake? Can't you see We're busy?" He hugged his bags of money closer and pulled his crown down in his eyes, wishing everyone would just leave him alone and let him rule
"A thoussssand pardonsssss, Sssssssire, but I've finally found a sssssssolution to our problemsssss," Sir Hiss continued. "I've assssssembled the finesssssst lawyerssssss in the realm to help you get rid of Robin Hood!" He bowed ceremoniously as a wolf, a ram and a hart in fancy clothes entered and bowed before the royal lion.
"Your highness," they mumbled.
The prince smiled, showing his teeth. "Oh, please, we're all friends here. 'Your majesty' will suffice." He held forward one of his less cheap rings for them to kiss. "Now, I'm told you can help Us with this," he tried for a careless laugh that ended up sounding a bit more forced than he wanted, "tiny little outlaw problem of Ours?"
"I'm sure of it," the wolf said. "If your hi- your majesty will just tell us a bit more about it. Now, I assume these are ruthless killers, stalking the countryside, killing at will?"
"Yes!" The prince nodded enthusiastically. "Well... maybe not so much killers as thieves. But they steal from US! Their rightful king!"
"Uh-huh," said the ram, sharing a quick look with his two colleagues. "And they live a life of undeserved luxury while your majesty's loyal subjects toil in wretched poverty?"
The prince briefly looked wistful, then snapped out of it. "Not anymore they don't! They share
Our gold with the peasants! Can you imagine a worse waste of money? Their grubby, dirty little hands all over my shiny, shiny coins..."
"I see," the hart said. "They're dirty, then? Mangy, disgusting creatures who would never inspire anyone to follow them? Rats, perhaps, or buzzards...?" Sir Hiss handed him a WANTED
poster of a fox, a bear and a badger, surrounded by cute little bunnies, all smiling. The three lawyers looked at the poster. Then they looked at the ratty-looking lion on the throne and the maniacally grinning snake next to him. Then back at the picture of the outlaws, who if anything had become even cuter. "A final question, then, Sire. Do they... sing?"
," the prince groaned. "Happy, silly songs about beautiful days and love and friendship. It makes Us want to..." He wanted to use a word that was somehow impossible to say out loud.
The lawyers went into a huddle, whispering excitedly with each other, occasionally stealing a pitying look at the monarch. Then they approached the throne again, and the wolf held forth a parchment. "I believe we have a solution, Sire. If you'll just sign this..."
Prince John took the offered pen and carefully printed JHON (FUTER KING OF ENGELAND) under where it said Magna
... somethingorother. "And this will take care of Robin Hood?"
The lawyers laughed amicabilly. "Oh no, Sire," said the ram. "But we'll be happy to help you make a deal with him that will be better than your otherwise inevitable humiliating defeat, which would probably end with you... falling over a cliff, perhaps?" His colleagues nodded; it was a classic for a reason.
"DEAL?" The Prince roared. "I'm the KING! Kings don't make deals! Get out before I have you beheaded, I don't need lawyers!"
The hart held up the Magna Carta and bowed. "You do now, Sire. And you always will. Good day, your majesty; we'll be in touch."