Hitting Things And A Whole Lotta Jack D (Among Other Things)Author:
Beer Good Fandom: Buffy
, 3.06 "Band Candy"Word count:
PG13... possibly edging into R, note warningsDisclaimer:
Giles, Faith and the rest are the property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. Meathook, Ramrod and the rest of the Hell's Satans are loosely borrowed from the Simpsons
episode "Take My Wife, Sleaze" and are thus the property of Matt Groening.Warnings:
Underage drinking, underage sex, sex under mystical and/or drunken influence, a certain amount of violence.Summary:
You didn't seriously think Ripper went home and went to bed after the events of "Band Candy", did you?
Written for snickfic
and a prompt for Band Candy!Giles/Faith.Hitting Things And A Whole Lotta Jack D (Among Other Things)
There are things Faith can handle. Vampires? No problem. Stuck-up blonde Slayers? No problem. Dealing with getting your Watcher killed? Work in progress, but that's why the good Lord made biker bars that don't card. With bikers. Who are also not a problem, she's known how to make them fight each other since before she had superpowers. However, a stuffy (though admittedly cute) English gentleman plonking down on the barstool next to you while two guys with facial tattoos are outside fighting over who gets that seat? Might be a problem.
"There you are. Go' a job for you," Giles said as he parked himself on the barstool.
"Here to lecture me on the evils of drink, Giles?" Faith very demonstratively downed another shot.
Giles scoffed. "Fuck that. Garçon! Bottle of Jack Daniel's for the lady."
The looks Giles got from the entire bar could basically be divided up into three distinct subgroups:
1) "Who are you and what did you do with Giles?"
2) "Wow, I've never been called a 'garçon' before. That guy's gonna get his ass kicked."
3) "Dibs on not wiping up the blood when Meathook and/or Ramrod get back and see that old Englishman hitting on their girl."
The booze came - with an extra little flourish and a "Your order, Sir
" for the condemned man - and Giles was already on his second shot when he noticed that Faith was still staring at him, her glass untouched. "Wha's wrong? Too strong for you?"
"No, but - "
"Then drink up, luv. Night's still young."
She did. This might get interesting.
Giles refilled their glasses. "Now, here's the deal: there's this bloke, Ethan Rayne. Complete wanker. Probably still in town somewhere. You and me are going to find him, and you - bein' my Slayer and I your Watcher - are going to beat him up. Then I'm going to beat him up. Then we figure out what to do next."
"Sounds fun. Only..."
A hand landed on Giles' shoulder. "Hey buddy? You're in my seat."
Giles slowly turned around and regarded the man to whom the hand was connected. Big, tattooed, bearded, with a fresh shiner forming on his face and blood dripping off his knuckles. Then he turned back to Faith. "Get lost, sonny. We're busy."
"I don't think you heard me, Jeeves." The biker put both hands on Giles' shoulders and spun him around so they faced each other. "The name's Meathook. You're in my chair, talking to my girl, and you're doing it in a bar full of my pals. Now, I'm going to be a gentleman here," he nodded towards Faith, who sighed inwardly and quickly downed another shot to prepare herself for saving Giles' life, "and give you a count of three to get out. If you're still here after that, well, your loss. One..."
Giles gave him a bored look. "First of all, mate, I'd be surprised if you can even count to three."
"Second, the name's Ripper. Not Jeeves."
"Fi... uh, thr-"
"And third..." Giles' third argument turned out to consist of a violent headbutt that broke Meathook's nose, followed by a rapid flurry of knees, fists and feet to various unprotected parts of his body that left the biker in a heap on the floor. While Faith whistled appreciatively, Ripper rose from the barstool, swigged from the bottle, and grinned at the biker gang who sat there staring at him. "Right... who's next?"***
"Faith? What time is - "
"Dunno, about 3AM." There was a loud crash at Faith's end. "What the hell's up with Giles?"
"He... um..." Buffy rubbed her eyes and tried to bring the last 24 hours into focus. "He's a teenager. There was this whole thing with enchanted candy. It should wear off in a day or two. Who's that screaming for help?"
"So he's basically our age?"
"Uh-huh. And it's gross. Why are you - " There was a distinct crunch
at the other end, as if Faith had slammed the receiver into something, followed by a faint moan as if said something hadn't even remotely enjoyed the experience.
"No reason. Gotta go. Sweet dreams."
There's a trick to fighting in a bar. The trick, as it turns out, is to take a gulp from each bottle before you smash it over someone's head. This helps in several ways: you don't waste good booze; you can balance the bottle so it becomes a more accurate throwing weapon, which helps ensure the bartender's shotgun doesn't become a problem; it's a great local anasthesia when one of the bikers gets in a punch because you don't care about keeping your guard up; and Gi... Ripper does this really cool thing with a mouth full of booze and a cigarette lighter that sends two of the bikers away with their beards on fire. But all too soon, their opponents were either unconscious or running for their lives, and Faith found herself standing over two sweetly sleeping bikers with an almost empty bottle of Jack in her hand, adrenaline still roaring as she watched Ripper pace the bar in triumph, soaked in blood, sweat and Tennessee's finest. Faith took a swig, figured what the hell, and tossed him the bottle. "Yo, Ripper. You just won yourself a shot."
Ripper emptied the bottle, threw into the pile behind the bar, and grinned at her. "Get up here."
She shook her head. "I said a shot
, kiddo. And rule number one is," she stepped onto one of the barstools and yanked Giles' feet out from under him so he wound up sitting in front of her, "you
get down here
."***A few months laterThe demons are telepathic. I should have known. That's why they didn't need mouths
, Giles thought. "Of course," he added out loud, "the demons are telepathic!"
"I know," Buffy said, "you just told me. That's why they dont need mouths. And you should have known."
"This is astounding!"
"It was happening out in the hallway. Principal Snyder has 'Walk Like an Egyptian' stuck in his head. And the boys at this school are seriously
disturbed. It's weird, but Giles, think about it - " Buffy suddenly paused and her face twisted into a horrified grimace. "You had sex with Faith?"
Giles quickly had to look for something in one of the reference books. "It, uh, was the candy, I was a teenager..."
"You had sex
"The, um, telepathy should help you anticipate your opponent's moves, and - "
"In front of a whole bar full of bikers?!?"
"Now, be fair, most of them were rather unconscious."
?!?"***Five years later
how I knew Faith was a great, uh, kisser
before you told me. So when I said, 'Oh, I know', I wasn't speaking from personal experience or anything," Buffy summed up.
"Whatever you say," Robin nodded. "You're the boss."