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A Good Bluff

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Story

Summary: Spike's big mouth saves the world.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Movies > Other-ComedyChunkmanFR1311,143091,01420 Aug 1220 Aug 12Yes
Buffy is owned by Joss Whedon who is an evil bastard but a great writer.

Set during Intervention



Spike just wanted to have a little fun with a sex bot. What about that was so wrong? Now here he is chained up by Glory and ruthlessly tortured by a hellgod that certainly knows a thing or two about this from the pain he's in. He knows who the key is but he won't betray Buffy after Joyce died losing Dawn will destroy her in such a way it would likely make Dru seem sane. Spike was able to get a reprieve by saying he knows who the key is and is actually getting a drink of water. Until Glory smashes the glass over his face.

Glory turns away. "I need time I need a drink you're one needy little bloodsucker you know that." She sits on a couch. "So start talkin."

Spike played with his chains but started. "Oh yeah the key. Here's the thing…it's that guy...on TV...what's his name?"

Glory frowns. "On the television?"

Spike nods weakly. "That show...the prize show...where they guess what stuff cost?"

"The Price Is Right?" Murk said.

"Oh, Bob Barker!" Jinx added.

Both of Glory's henchmen rushed out the door to deliver to their goddess the beaten body of one Bob Barker. Glory put her hand to her head wondering if gods get migraines and vows to suck their brains when they get back and shouts. "Bob Barker is as old as dirt you idiots!"

She turns to Spike. "You realize the only reason you're alive is because I want to rip your head off with my bare hands when the slayer comes for you."

Spike shrugs. "I can take any kicking your lob sided ass can give bitch."



Hours pass and Spike wonders if Glory's letting him heal up just so she can break him again. He's done it once or twice. There is a sudden slam as the doors are kicked open. The maimed vampire and the god take in the sight as an old man with white hair in a suit enters holding Jinx's head in one hand and Murk's in the other. He looks at Glory not too happily.

Spike looked at it wondering how hard Glory's been hitting him and started. "You've gotta be-"

"Fucking kidding me." Glory finished. "Bob Barker kills demons."

Glory went to take out the game show host in one punch but Bob ducked under, dropped her minions' heads and caught her with a right hook to the solar plexus.

The goddess felt physical pain for the first time since being thrown out of her world. "That actually hurt you old bas-"

Before the goddess could continue whining Bob Barker unloaded on her in flurry of jabs as he started talking between each jab to the face. "You're leprosy ridden flunkies scared away my studio audience."

Spike was watching in shock as Glory was going down. She had two black, eyes a fat lip and a broken nose with blood pouring down her face. Bob finishes it with another hook and Glory falls to the floor and changes into a man.

"I think you've had enough." Bob says as he walks to the door.

Spike got his attention. "Gramps think you can give me a hand here?"

Bob Barker just shakes his head no. "No soul on you and I don't make it a hobby to assist vampires. Now excuse me I have a golf tournament to get to."

Spike was shocked as Bob closed the doors behind him. "Hey, hey get back here you ponce. So help me every Saturday from here to eternity will be Spike's sodding dog orgies."

Spike can't believe this how long is he going to be stuck here now everyone's dead except for the cross dresser formerly known as Glory.



Spike opened his eyes later on to see Buffy. Spike sighs in relief till he realizes no pink dress. This is the much more serious much less fun Buffy.

The Slayer glares at him. "What did you tell her?"

"Nothing she knows nothing about the little bit." Spike muttered.

Buffy's decision making as to whether or not cut the chains or cut his head off is interrupted.

"Spike, you're covered in sexy wounds." Buffybot announces her entrance and checks on Spike. "Do you want to chain me up with those and ravage me?"

Buffy put her hand to her head. Just when she didn't think anything could freak her out anymore.

Spike looked at Buffybot. "Do you really want to prove you love me?"

Buffybot nodded. "Of course I was built to love you…and slay."

Spike smirked. "Then kill the bi-bastard in the red dress."

Before Buffy could react the Buffybot made it to Ben and broke his neck.

Buffy glared at Spike he can't believe he just did that. And why was Ben in a dress at Glory's house? Buffy pulled out a stake ready to dust William the bloody until she gets a text on her phone 3-09. Dawn needs to talk to her immediately. Buffy calls her sister and her eyes lit up Spike had a reason for what he did. Buffy hung up.

"Thank you for stopping Glory." Buffy muttered.

Spike just nodded. "I told you I'd protect the Niblet. So what now?"

"You can both have you way with me." Buffybot offered.

Buffy was confused the robot was meant for Spike why would it oh my god. Buffy turns to Spike in raw anger. "You programmed her for 3 ways?"

Buffybot turned to Buffy in a smile. "Of course I already told you we're both very pretty and technically it's just mas-"

Buffy pointed a finger at her robot double. "Don't even think about finishing that sentence."

Buffy pointed at Spike. "You're out of Sunnydale by sunrise."

Spike nodded he has a score to settle anyway while Buffy cools off. "And my robot?"

Buffy just shook her head no. "The robot stays with us the robot is gross. However we might be able to use it to some good so I can be there for Dawn and not be obsessive slayer working person."

Buffy breaks Spike's chains and turns to the Buffybot. "You're going to com…just follow me OK. We're going to go see Willow."

Buffybot smiled following Buffy out. "Ooh, I like Willow. She's gay."



Next week the true Buffy meets Giles at the Magic Box. Buffy sees Giles reading a celebrity gossip rag of all things.

"What are you reading Guiles?" Buffy asked.

Giles took off his glasses. "Guiles?"

"Sorry, been spending way too much time with the robot." Buffy answered.

Giles put his glasses back on. "I believe Spike is dead."

Buffy takes the paper and reads the headline.

'Bob Barker stabs Billy Idol with a fence post. Idol turns to dust.'

The End

You have reached the end of "A Good Bluff". This story is complete.

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