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You've Got Mail

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Summary: Jack thinks the head of the Slayer Council needs to loosen up. Buffy, on the other hand, has learned to dread the special 'gifts' he sends her. God only knows what's in this one.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Dr. Who/Torchwood > GeneralKoohiiCafeFR181772041,15124 Aug 1224 Aug 12Yes
Title: You've Got Mail
Author: Koohii Cafe
Rating: FR18
Crossover: BtVS/Torchwood
Disclaimer: Since I am a poor chickadee with no wealth to speak of, I think it's safe to say that neither BtVS nor Torchwood are mine. ^^;
Written for: TtH August Fic A Day Challenge
Summary: Jack thinks the head of the Slayer Council needs to loosen up. Buffy, on the other hand, has learned to dread the special 'gifts' he sends her. God only knows what's in this one.
Author's Note: This may be slighty okay, more than slightly, more like very cracktastic. Rated so highly not for actual action, but for items mentioned.

You've Got Mail

"Buffy! Package!"

Silence followed the announcement for a moment, as multiple eyes met and waited for the reaction. A second later, a groan echoed down into the front hall of the old school that had become Slayer Headquarters when they settled down in Cardiff. Several snickers echoed in quick succession as a staccato of heeled boots made their way down the stairs to the main sitting room.

"Do not tell me that's from who I think it is."

"Sure thing, Buffy. It's definitely not from Jack Harkness."

"Are you lying to me, Xander? Cause if you are..."

"Well, you told me not to tell you. So I didn't tell you. Can't get mad at me for following directions."

Hazel eyes pinned the smirking Scooby with a glare anyway, and several more snickers sounded. When those eyes turned instead to target the mirthful slayers, they scattered quickly. Xander grinned wider.

"Want me to open it for you?" He wiggled the box in his hands, and an ominous- to Buffy, at least- rattling sound came from within.

"Oh god, I do not want to know. Can't we just- toss it? Please?" Her nose crinkled up as she eyed the package in question from a safe spot by the stairs. Her old friend laughed, far too gleefully, she thought, and shook his head.

"Could have something important in it. Remember when he sent the Weevil intel wrapped up in-"

"We could have figured all that out on our own," Buffy interrupted quickly, all too away of the teenage girls with super hearing she knew were listening from just out of eyesight. A bright flush colored her cheeks at the memory, and really, could Xander even smirk any more than he already was? "You are enjoying this package thing way too much- who's side are you on, anyway?"

"You wound me! Do you really think I'd choose the side of the dashing captain intent on embarrassing my best friend by sending her outrageous sex toys?"

A snort of laughter sounded loudly from around a corner, and was followed immediately by a sudden 'eep!' and clatter of feet running, and Buffy groaned again. She was never going to live this down. Stupid minis, laughing at her pain. Stupid Xander, who couldn't keep his mouth shut. Stupid egotistical yet charming and self obsessed horndog who ran Torchwood and was determined to bring the Head Slayer out of her shell with crazy stunts. If she didn't know he'd just laugh it off and come back, she might kill him to be done with the whole thing. Maybe she might anyway. It might make her feel better.

"Oh! Is that from Jack?"

Oh crap. Dawn.

"Yup!" And Xander was grinning again. "Buffster got another present from the almighty Captain Sexgod."

"You know, you kind of worry me when you call him that, Xan. Here, lemme see!"


But her sister was already past her, breezing over to Xander and laying hands on the dreaded package.

"Got it!" the little traitor crowed with a grin almost wider than Xander's. "C'mon, let's see what's inside!"

Time moved in slow motion- and Buffy had a moment to wonder if this was some spell, like the one the trio had cast on her years ago, but in reverse- as her sister and one of her best friends cheerfully tore into a package that she was sure she was never going to get over the humiliation of, to reveal-

"Oooo, candy!"

Laying on top of what looked like some dusty old book that Giles was probably going to have a bookgasm over... was an assortment of lollipops. Xander picked up one in the shape of- oh god, was that a vagina?- and grinned as he bit into it. Dawn followed suit with one shaped like-

"Dawn!" She did not need to watch her little sister chomp down on a penis, whether it was fake or not! "So not appropriate!"

"Hey!" Dawn pouted for a split second, but then smirked and slipped another lollipop, this one in a pair of breasts, from the box and quickly took a bite before Buffy could protest.

"That's it. Jack Harkness is so dead, it's not even funny."

Yes. Dead. Maybe even more than once. Spinning on her heel, red faced enough that snickers followed her all the way back to her office, Buffy began to plot his demises.

The End

You have reached the end of "You've Got Mail". This story is complete.

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