FIC: Faith The Female Hercules
Title: Faith the Female Hercules
Pairings/Characters: Faith, Giles
Summary: Faith ends up playing the role of a children’s entertainer. Written for the ‘My Fair Faith’ ficathon.
Ratings: PG-13 (Faith has a potty mouth, even around children).
Faith & Giles belong to Mutant Enemy.
Faith picked up her cell on the fourth ring, heart dropping when she checked the Caller ID and realised it wasn’t Xan, “Yo G,” she greeted unenthusiastically.
”As sunny as ever, Faith,” by contrast Giles was full of joy. “I have an assignment for you.”
“Wicked,” Faith perked up, “give me the demon’s location. I’ve been looking to get my Slay on.”
”Ah,” Giles chuckled. “It isn’t quite that, it’s more a meet and greet on a new Slayer. Willow only got the details last night.”
“Oh,” Faith gritted her teeth. Since the Mass Calling four years ago, Willow got the occasional flashes of a newly Called Slayer. “Xander does the meets and greets, I’m muscle.” Or as Xan put it, he was Slayerdom’s smile, and she was its snarl.
”Nonsense,” Giles’ voice firmed up to that ‘you’re a naughty girl if you don’t watch out, I’ll spank you’ level. “You’re an integral part of our North American operation, the head Slayer. While you’ve done wonderfully with the training of the new girls, you should involve yourself more with the initial introductions.”
“Fine,” Faith sighed. No one won with Giles when he used that voice. “Give me the details.”
* * *
Faith’s eyes narrowed as she pulled up outside the address Giles had given her. It was a big, ash-grey house with a long gravel drive full of cars. Something was obviously going down. Climbing out of the car, she sauntered the drive and rang the doorbell, eyes rolling when the first few chords of ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’ played. After a minute or so, the door swung open. “Hey,” Faith greeted the woman stood on the doorstop, “is Jennifer in?”
”Are you the children’s entertainer?” the early-forties woman demanded in-between dismissive snorts.
“Yeah,” Faith lied with the glibness that had made her a real good confidence trickster in her pre-teens, “that’d be me. I do a,” she thought quickly, “a strong-woman act.” Hell, if it got her past this bulldog and in the house, she was a step closer to her goal.
This woman was gonna be tricky, her eyes had the warmth of the average maximum security guard, a sour face that just told ya life had never stopped kicking her in the guts, and body that looked like a bag of spanners.
All in all, just the sort of woman who hated Faith on sight.
“I thought my husband ordered a juggler,” the pinch-faced woman stared suspiciously at her. A look Faith had gotten more than used to over the last decade or so. Probably thought she was doing her hubby on the side.
“Yeah,” she thought with her usual speed, so okay it took her a few seconds to come up with her excuse but it was a wicked cool one, “I was ‘til, last week. Then some son of a -, gun stole my car with my stuff in the back. So now I’m in the strong-gal business.”
“Oh,” the woman’s grey eyes narrowed sceptically, “you don’t look big enough.”
“Nah,” Faith shook her head. “I work out regular.” If you called marathon sex sessions with her man, ‘working out’.
“Okay then,” the woman stepped back, “but if the kids aren’t satisfied, you don’t get paid.”
”Of course not.” Faith replied as she strutted into the house, the sort of banally middle-class place where kids grew up to be ‘well-behaved’ Buffies.
Fuck, she hated it already.
Upon reaching the front room, a lounge large enough to fit her childhood’s apartment in but a helluva lot cleaner, she found a dozen rug-rats aged between five and eight dancing and listening to the revolting happy Britney Spears asking to be ‘Hit Me Baby One More Time’.
The anthem of wife-beaters the world over, great message they were sending their kids. And that was before even taking into account their idol had managed to bag herself a real prize in K-Fed.
The room had two couches along either of the lounge’s long wall, the far one filled with six women, the one nearer her with six men who looked like they’d been born to push pens, all overhanging bellies, glasses, and receding hairlines. All six men stared open-mouthed at her. It was like they’d never seen a babe before.
Although looking at them, they maybe hadn’t. “Well children!” The hostess with the leastest clapped her hands together. “Sit on the floor, the entertainer has arrived!”
“Yaaaah! Yeeaaah! Whopppee!”
“How do I introduce you?”
The dismissive sniff told Faith just how the woman thought she should be introduced, but she ignored it to reply in a mutter. “Faith The Female Hercules.”
“It’s Faith The Female Hercules!” the woman shouted.
”Wow! Yeaaah! Girls are tough!” The children hurriedly sat down, eyes fixed on her.
Faith hid a grin as she moved centre-stage, just in front of the lounge window. Then her forehead furrowed as she realised that although she had the muscle-power in spades, she didn’t actually have a freakin’ act. “Shit,” she mumbled as she pulled her jacket off, leaving her just in her black gym vest that her chest filled and tugged on, and left plenty of her lithe arm muscles and flat stomach for the mothers to tut at and the pops to leer at.
Bitches and assholes the lot of them-.
Faith grinned as she saw the kids’ table in the centre of the room, covered with party food and drinks, and inspiration struck. “Hey kid,” she crouched down by the nearest boy, a flame-haired kid of about six with thick glasses, “it’s awful hot outside, how about you get me a can of soda please?” The boy nodded shyly and rose, hurrying to the table to return with an unopened can of Pespi. “Thanks kiddo,” the boy’s blush deepened when she ruffled his hair and took the can.
Once the boy had re-taken his seat, Faith held the can out at arm’s length and grinned at the kids. “Watch,” she instructed before squeezing the can. The children gasped and cheered as the container exploded, fluid flying everywhere, tin proving no barrier to Slayer strength.
“Wow! She’s strong for a girl!”
Faith smirked as she picked up a thick, seven hundred page phone book off the lounge shelves. “This is a real heavy book ain’t it?” her comment was met by open-eyed nods. “Let’s make it a little lighter then.” Taking the phone book in her hands, she pushed up with her left while pulling down with her right, biceps writhing slightly with the effort.
The book ripped with a victorious tear, the kids cheering as she allowed the two ragged halves to fall to the ground. “Now, I’m gonna need a little help,” Faith shot the quartet of gagging men her sweetest, most dimpled smiles, “which of you big boys is gonna get me a hot water bottle?”
”I know where they are!” babbled a runty looking guy that Faith briefly pitied as she guessed he had to be married for the house owner. “I’ll just go and get them!”
”You do that hon,” Faith directed another smile the men’s way before returning her attention to the far more appealing kids. “And while he’s doing that, how about the four biggest of you kids get up here and help me with a trick?”
After some squabbling about just who was the biggest, three boys and a girl were stood before her. “’Kay,” Faith beckoned the kids in close so she could whisper her instructions to them, “this is what we’re gonna do.” Once she’d finished talking, she nodded. “Got that?” She grinned at their nods. “Wicked. You two to my left, you two to my right.”
Once the kids were in position, she smiled down at them. “Hold on.” Four pairs of small hands grabbed her forearms. Faith lifted her arms out until she was in the crucifix position, the giggling kids dangling from her arms, then she swung her arms together until they were directly facing, knuckles from each hand rubbing together, then she lowered the kids to the carpet. “Let’s give it them a big cheer!”
Once the kids had finished cheering, Faith crouched down and pulled out the cuffs she kept in her back pocket for whenever she and Xan needed to question a human snitch. From the open-mouthed looks from the pops and disapproving scowls from the moms she guessed they’d attributed a far seedier use for the cuffs. “Screw ‘em,” Faith muttered before standing and smiling, lifting the cuffs to arm’s length in front of her. “Watch this.”
The kids cheered as she pulled the cuffs apart, their links popping with stunning ease. Faith grinned at their adulation, she was really getting into this. “Maybe I should take the act on the road,” she mused, “my hotness, my strength, I see moolah in my future.”
”I’ve got the hot water bottle,” the man who’d hurried off before came back in.
”Thanks,” Faith took the object, nodded at the man, unscrewed the top, and put it to her mouth and blew. The children gasped as the bottle began to expand like a balloon. Faith grinned in-between puffs, her lungs heaving as she expanded the rubber bottle until-.
The kids jumped as a bang like a gunshot rang out, the water bottle exploding and bits of rubber flying everywhere. For a half-second there was shocked silence and then the kids let out a ragged cheer. “Faith’s the best! She’s cool!”
“Ah,” it was the old bat from the door. “Well done Faith.” Faith enjoyed how forced the praise sounded. She loved rubbing snooties’ noses in it. “Now children, tea’s ready in the other room. I’m sure you’re all hungry.”
”Can Faith come!” Faith looked down to see a tiny little blonde looking up adoringly at her, hand tugging at her jeans. “She’s cool, she’s my new friend.”
The housewife shot her a distasteful look before tittering. “I’m sure Faith has somewhere to be, Jennifer.”
Jennifer? Faith groaned inwardly as she reached down and picked up the kid, tucking her under her arm, Willow had screwed up, the damn rug-rat was six not sixteen. “Nah, it’s five by five,” she shook her head even as she smiled at the kid, “how about me and ya get some jelly and ice-cream?”
Faith grinned at the kid’s gurgle. The moment the child’s mother moved away, Faith spoke. “Say, can you do anything like run really fast or lift heavy things?” the child giggled and shook her head. “Nah, that’s what I figured.”
* * *
Faith sighed as she hurried out to the car, pulled off her pointed and pink party hat, threw it on the front seat, then belched. Too much lemonade. A kid’s party, living hell, and no new Slayer at the end of it, just great. Faith glanced around before dialling Watcher HQ. “Yeah, Giles, it’s me,” Faith replied, “how am I?” She shook her head. “Crappy, I’m pretty sure Red got it wrong. Our kid ain’t a Slayer. How can I be sure? One, she’s only six. Two, I spent all afternoon with her at her birthday party.” She closed her eyes at Giles’ laughter. “Yeah, I’m laughin’ inside too. Just get my boy-friend home to me and fast, I’m wicked horny for a shag, that’s what ya limeys call a fu-.”
“Faith,” she spun around to see Jennifer stood behind her, a tiny package wrapped in pink paper in her hand, “you forgot your birthday cake.”
“Gotta go,” she hung up the phone before crouching down. “You brought this for me?” Faith ruffled the girl’s hair as she gently took the lovingly wrapped cake. “Thank you sweetheart, but,” Faith looked around the darkening street, “you shouldn’t go out at night on your own, not until you’re bigger, ‘kay?”
Faith grinned when the girl stared at her and nodded gravely. “Good girl,” she straightened. “Now how about ya get yourself back inside ‘fore yar mom starts to worry about where ya are?”
“Bye hon,” Faith watched the girl run inside before opening her car door. Then she reached across, took the hat she’d dropped on the driver’s seat and carefully placed it on the passenger’s seat before getting into the car. Yeah, she’d keep the hat.