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Get Me To The Church On Time

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This story is No. 28 in the series "The Great Scooby Scavenger Hunt". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: Even Faith would’ve felt a bit abashed at attending a wedding in her usual Slayer outfit of ‘hot chick with superpowers’, except everybody else already waiting in the pews was dressed a hell of a lot stranger than her. No. 27 of August Fic-A-Day.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Cartoons > Incredibles, The(Current Donor)ManchesterFR1512,430031,72327 Aug 1227 Aug 12Yes
Disclaimer: I own nothing. All Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters and The Incredibles characters are the property of their original owners.

“C’mon, Faith! His car isn’t here yet, so we’re at the right point of the movie! Let’s get inside before he comes!”

After Andrew excitedly called this out over his shoulder, the young man glanced both ways along the nearly deserted night-time street. Seeing it was safe to cross, Andrew dashed forwards at the best speed his out of condition body could manage towards the enormous, atmospherically-lit structure ahead which was their destination.

Giving a very exasperated roll of her eyes, Faith jogged after her game partner at a fraction of her Slayer speed. She contemptuously curled a lip towards the bent-over, gasping man when she caught up with him at the top of the wide stone stairs leading to the front entrance of the church. In the middle of Andrew trying to regain his breath, Faith snarked at him, “When’s the last time ya got a li’l exercise? And cuttin’ yer way up the line for the latest X-men flick damn well don’t count. We get sent somewhere in Red’s scavenger hunt where ya haveta haul yer wide-load ass over rougher country than this, ya ain’t gonna fuckin’ like it!”

“Shhhh!!!” furiously hissed Andrew, straightening up while spinning to face Faith, a finger pressed to his lips. His eyes worriedly shifting towards the closed front door of the church, Andrew glanced back at the suddenly annoyed woman. Before Faith could really begin to express her rude opinion about her companion in even more inappropriate language considering just where she was at this exact moment, Andrew mouthed in his most frantic manner, “Faith, there’s people inside who might be able to hear you! Don’t say things like that, which’ll only make them suspicious!”

Faith exaggeratedly leaned over to further study her alarmed company’s rear end, before responding in her most sardonic tone, “Hell, ain’t nobody gonna argue yer butt’s big enough to be seen from outer space--”

“Not that!” Andrew huffed indignantly. He glared at the snickering Slayer, before icily informing her, “I meant the other things about us being from, uh, our home which isn’t here, and also what we need to do. Now, can we please get back to our business? I don’t think we have more than a minute or so, which is just enough time to get inside. Let’s go, already!”

Turning without bothering to see what effect his recent words had on Faith, Andrew stepped up to the front door. With some effort, he pulled open the massive panel, leaving it ajar after going through the doorway.

Lifting her eyes to the front of the illuminated church, Faith muttered to nobody in particular, “Ya see what I gotta stomach from him? This better make up for a few a’ my sins, which I hadda lot more fun doin’ than I’m havin’ right now with the redemption bit an’ all!” Shaking her head, the young woman now crossed the church’s threshold.

A few quick strides later, Faith caught up with Andrew just as they entered into a large vestibule before the inner main doors of the church. There, both New Council members saw a black man formally clad in a tuxedo look up at them from a worried check at his watch. This instantly-recognizable character developed a look of genuine irritation on his dark features, while he advanced towards the pair. Waving his hands in a hold-it gesture, Lucius Best impatiently said, “Sorry, folks, We’re closed for a private ceremony--”

Faith was so caught up by how much this guy sounded just like Samuel L. Jackson that she was taken completely by surprise at Andrew’s confident interruption, “For Bob and Helen’s wedding, right? There was a mix-up with the invitations, so we got ours at the last minute. We couldn’t even change before rushing over here. I’m The Watcher, and this is Slayer Lady.”

At those last words identifying the pair, Andrew pointed to himself, which was perfectly fine. Except, right afterwards, he definitely crossed the line by reaching out to casually drape his right arm over a startled Faith’s shoulders.

“What?” The superhero known as Frozone frowned uncertainly at the two strangers. Not only hadn’t he ever met them before, or had any prior knowledge they were attending the wedding, but neither of them particularly looked like people with any kind of powers. For one, the guy smirking at him wasn’t in the best of shape, unlike his companion. As for her, this admittedly fit young woman had turned her head to fixedly eye the possessive male hand resting on the top of her right shoulder. Lucius tried again, “I’ve never heard of either--”

A loud, yelped “URK!” once more interrupted Frozone. This came right after the lady he’d just met now moved in a blur of superhuman speed to shrug off the arm on her shoulders. She then reached out with her own left arm equally rapidly to hook a sole finger under that guy’s shirt collar. Next, without showing any signs of strain at all, she lifted him entirely off his feet and held him up in the air, again by nothing but her single slim finger. All this happened in the split second of the guy’s pained yelp.

Taking a single wary step back, Lucius used his own freezing powers to coat his hands with a thin layer of frost, just in case he needed it. From the looks of things, that crazy white chick over there wasn’t too thrilled about what just went down. A minor clue to this was her angry face which was showing her teeth in a savage snarl directly upwards at the purpling guy still dangling helplessly in her effortless grasp. Frozone tensed further when what’s-her-name now glared at him, before visibly curbing her temper.

Faith curtly told the guy in the penguin suit, “Dorkbreath here’s gonna pay later for callin’ me a lady, but I’m for fuckin’ sure a Slayer. We’re here for the weddin’, okay? So, let us in already, dammit!”

Bob was going to owe him a lifetime of major favors for this, Lucius inwardly vowed. At once coming to a decision, the best man to Mr. Incredible shrugged, stepped aside, and nodded at the inner door. “Yeah, fine, join the crowd. Just work out your issues with each other somewhere else after the wedding, all right?”

Continuing to glower at Lucius but without saying another word, the young woman used her free hand to yank open the door. She then stalked inside, still easily carrying her limp burden. Resignedly shaking his head, Frozone closed the door after the latest wedding guests, and he went back waiting for Bob. Who damned well better be here soon.

A few yards into the central main aisle, Faith let go of Andrew, who managed to both land and stay upright on his unsteady feet. Getting right into the wincing face of this swaying man, Faith snarled at him, “Just ‘cuz we’re partners doesn’t give ya the right ta paw me! Ya try it again, yer gonna lose-- What?!

This belligerent last word was snapped by Faith interrupting herself at Andrew hastily pointing down the aisle. Following his indicating finger, the Slayer turned her head to stare at the far end of the church, where a pretty red-haired bride in her white dress standing by the altar was looking back at them in clear astonishment. This flabbergasted reaction was also shared by the others there, including the priest and the dozen or so men and women sitting in the front pews. These latter people were craning their heads around to look at who’d just disturbed them, with most of these masked individuals clad in a wide variety of colorful costumes.

A rare mood of sudden, absolute embarrassment overcame Faith. She instantly shut her mouth, while feeling her face turn bright scarlet. Even for the normally uncouth Slayer, there were limits. A possible chance of ruining someone’s wedding wasn’t something that Faith was willing to do at any time. Bobbing her head in a sheepish apology, Faith sidled to the right into the nearest empty pew in the middle of the church. She quickly sat down at the far end of this long bench. For once knowing when to shut up, Andrew had tagged along, and he discreetly took his place by the subdued woman.

Thankfully for Faith, after a few more moments of being stared at, she was no longer the focus of everyone’s attention. The occupants of the other pews turned back around to watch the bride. Elastigirl in her own turn was impatiently gazing at the closed church doors, which maintained their stubborn refusal to open and introduce her soon-to-be husband. Out of the corner of her eye, Faith saw Andrew sneak Willow’s video camera out of his pocket and cautiously hold it just above the upper edge of the ahead pew’s straight back. A quick press of his finger started a recording of the marriage ceremony at the beginning of the animated Pixar film The Incredibles.

Faith grudgingly admitted inside her head, that even if it was shared with Andrew, she was still glad to see at first hand a pivotal moment from one of her favorite movies. Yeah, it’d sure have been a lot more fun to stick around for some of the action scenes. Such as the terrific finale with the whole family and the Frozone guy back there takin’ down Syndrome’s Omnidroid. Guess Red figgered correctly Mr. Geek here woulda walked straight inta the whole brawl, filmin’ it all like he was invulnerable.

The Slayer enjoyed a brief, happy fantasy of a multi-ton steel globe rolling over the damn pain in the neck presently sitting by her and reducing Andrew Wells into a thin smear on the ground. In the middle of this, Faith’s concentration was abruptly diverted by the door opening again. She, like everyone else, now watched two men in their tuxes enter the church, walking side-by-side down the main aisle.

A fascinated woman couldn’t help but stare at the big guy on the left, especially when he passed by their pew. Ignoring how Andrew was still putting everything on video, Faith closely examined from head to toe Mr. Incredible in his civilian identity. She lecherously reflected, *Hell, that guy there, he’s for sure a fine piece of beefcake. Me, I wouldn’t mind a one-night stand with tall, blonde, and hunky. Wonder how good he’d be between the sheets? Mighta finally let loose, what with him bein’ seriously strong and able to take a lotta punishment.*

For the next few minutes while the wedding ceremony started and her game partner got it on film, Faith entertained herself with these and other ribald thoughts. Soon enough, it all ended, and even Faith had to smile at seeing how a new husband and wife couple made their joyous way back up the aisle. They were closely followed by their cheering friends in the superhero community tossing handfuls of rice after the wedded pair. Nobody bothered to pay any attention to the New Council members in their pew. Seeing this, Faith got up and strolled past Andrew out into the main aisle, looking at the backs of the departing crowd.

The Slayer then saw over everyone’s heads the double inner doors being thrown open, signaling Bob and Helen Parr were about to leave the church. Except right after somewhere in the crowd, a loud voice with the weirdest accent Faith had ever heard then shouted, “VAIT, DARLINK! ZHROW ZE BOOKAY!”

There was a short pause, as Faith tried to figure out what the fuck that meant. Until a moment later, an object sailed high into the air. However, this had been tossed up in the church with a little too much enthusiasm, so it went completely over the entire halted crowd of guests. In fact, as it completed its airborne arc along the main aisle, the small bunch of flowers was headed directly towards Faith…

Without thinking about it, this warrior woman adroitly caught the plummeting wedding bouquet. She honestly had no idea of exactly what she’d just done, until Andrew’s instant guffaw made Faith turn her head. She saw her companion standing a few feet away in the space between the pews and still holding the video camera up to his face. The young man with his shoulders shaking in unstoppable laughter had clearly been taping it all. At that point, the horrified Slayer then realized the true significant of her recent actions.

Ignoring how the crowd of wedding guests was being abruptly shoved apart by something bulling its way through them at knee level, Faith growled terrifyingly into the shit-eating grin of Andrew now lowering his camera, “Ya better fuckin’ erase that! I ain’t gonna get teased by them back home ‘bout tyin’ the knot with-- OWWW!!!”

This immediate shriek of real agony was due to an explosion of pain unexpectedly coming from Faith’s left shin. Instantly bending forward, she frantically looked down to rub at her aching leg with her free hand, only to totally freeze in this ludicrous position. Faith stared with teary eyes directly into the furious spectacled face of Edna Mode glaring back up at her. Nearly nose-to-nose with the other and much taller woman, this diminutive fashion designer was quivering with suppressed rage. Edna was also bringing down to the floor her right foot wearing a flawlessly styled shoe with a stiletto heel and steel toecaps.

Still stooped over, Faith could only gape at who’d just viciously kicked her, unable to understand the reason for this assault by someone barely half her size. At least, until Edna then glanced with irate covetousness at the flowers still clutched in Faith’s left hand. Switching back her incensed gaze towards the thief of what she’d desperately wanted, Edna sneered at full force towards the slatternly-dressed woman. The half-Japanese/half-German designer for the superhero community then spun around with an air of offended dignity, and she marched away back up the church aisle past a respectful crowd of past and present clients.

Straightening up, the Slayer winced at how much her leg was throbbing. Glumly eyeing the bouquet she still held (which even if it was a helluva souvenir, it sure didn’t make up for the serious bruise already developing down there), Faith then heard Andrew snicker, “Looks like you’re never going to get a costume from her, even without any kind of cape.”

“Bite me, Andy.”

The End

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