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On Philippa the Vampire Slayer's Trip to Stoolbend

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This story is No. 3 in the series "The "On" Series". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: On the way to visit family, Philippa the Vampire Slayer makes a stop just outside Richmond, Virginia, to investigate a series of suspicious deaths. She didn’t expect to team up with a talking bear in the process.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Television > Cleveland Show, The(Current Donor)ListenerFR1826,676018663 Sep 126 Sep 12Yes

Part Two

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or worlds used in this story, including (but not limited to) Buffy the Vampire Slayer and The Cleveland Show. No harm is intended toward any of the copyright owners. This story is intended for entertainment purposes only.



Philippa was all ready to kick down Holt Richter’s door, but Raymond simply lifted a decorative rock and used the hide-a-key. “His mother’s away for the week, or else we’d have to deal with her, too.”

“He lives with his mother? How old is this guy, Raymond?”


“And...” She shook her head. “Never mind. I don’t want to know.”

“You really don’t.” Raymond looked Philippa up and down. “Can you undo a few buttons of your blouse? Distract him some?”


“Trust me. He’s a tool, but he’s a predictable tool.”

Philippa sighed and opened three buttons. She wasn’t used to flashing this much cleavage to anyone except her husband, and it felt positively weird to be showing a good portion of her breasts to a talking bear. “Good enough?”

“Good enough.” To Raymond’s credit, he didn’t leer. “Let’s go in.”

As it turned out, they didn’t need to convince Holt he should talk -- they found the small, chubby man tied to his bed, spread-eagled, naked under a thin sheet. “Oh thank God,” he said. “I’m about to pee myself.”

“Sucks to be you,” Raymond said. He extended a sharp claw, ready to let Holt go, but Philippa held up a hand. “What? Man’s gotta pee.”

“Holt, who left you like this?”

“Woman,” he said quickly, and Philippa could tell he’d already checked out her breasts and put on a suave manner. “Total hottie. Met her downtown. Got me drunk, tied me up, did things to me I’ve never felt before. It was awesome.”

“How nice for you,” Philippa said. “Was there anything strange about her?”

“No gag reflex.”

“Holt,” she said with exaggerated politeness, “that’s not strange.”

His eyes widened. Philippa realized too late that he was now thinking about oral sex -- specifically, oral sex from her -- and a certain portion of the sheet began to rise. “Sucked like a vacuum cleaner,” he said, “and I would know. Forget I said that.” She made a face; even Raymond looked disgusted. “Kept going after I was done, until it hurt. Tried to get away, but the knots were too tight.” He jerked his arm, which had the unfortunate effect of moving the sheet almost to the point of indecency. Philippa tugged it back in place. “She seemed surprised that I wanted more. Asked her if that was enough for most guys, told her the Holtster can go all night long. Didn’t believe me, left me here.”

“When was this?”

“Few days ago. Comes back every night, lets me go so I can eat and wash up, then we come back to bed.”

“And does she ever...” Philippa felt her lips compress into a thin line; she couldn’t believe she was going to ask this question. “Does she ever do anything besides fellate you?”

That actually made Holt think. “No,” he said after a long moment, and all his bravado and swagger was gone. “Why do you ask?”

“No reason.” Well, that was a lie, but Holt didn’t need to know. “Raymond?”

The bear cut through Holt’s bonds and the little man scrambled out of the bed and ran for what she guessed was a bathroom. “Did not need to see his ass,” Raymond said. “Now what?”

“Now we search the place.”


They found what they were looking for in the unfinished portion of Holt’s basement: a magic circle, an altar with a sacrificed pigeon on it, and a cabinet full of magical paraphernalia. “I was really hoping this wouldn’t be here,” Philippa said.

“Why not? Saves us a lot of time.”

“Yes, but,” she said, scuffing the circle with her foot, “now we have to figure out why he did it.”

“Pretty obvious to me.”


“Uh-huh.” Raymond picked up Holt’s Book of Shadows and thumbed through it. “All sex spells. Dude’s obsessed with getting laid. I’m thinking he tried to call up a succubus but did something wrong.”

“He didn’t have to do anything wrong,” Philippa said. “Once they’re here, they suck out as much sexual energy as they can. They’re like vampires that way.” She sighed. “Come on,” she said. “Let’s go talk to him again.”

Holt was in the shower when they got back to his bedroom; they searched his room in the meantime and found, among other things, a charging set-up for a sex doll. “He brags about this thing when he’s at our house,” Raymond said. “I think just to piss off my dad. Mom doesn’t sleep with him much.”

“Don’t need to know.” The logistics alone-- ew! Yuck! No no no no NO!

But then she had a thought, and it wasn’t a good one. “Let me make a call. See if you can find anything else.”

“You got it.”

Philippa dialed her watcher’s number, hoping she was wrong about her hunch.

She wasn’t.


Thankfully, Holt had put on a pair of shorts before coming out of the bathroom. Unfortunately, they were boxer shorts, and apparently being lifted off the ground and slammed into the wall was one of his kinks. “For the love of God!” Philippa moaned. “Is that all you think about?”

“Man likes what he likes,” Holt said, the macho attitude back. Philippa wanted nothing more than to punch him so hard that the next time he even thought about a woman he fell to the floor in a fetal position, but he hadn’t actually done anything to her yet. “Slap me around. Been a bad boy. Need a spanking.” He tried to squirm in her grip -- she guessed to present his backside to her -- and she tossed him onto the bed. He bounced, got on all fours, and shoved down his shorts. “Ready for you, mistress.”

Raymond lumbered over toward the bed in what Philippa guessed was full intimidation mode; Holt rolled off, fixed his pants, and tucked himself into the corner between the nightstand and the dresser. “Not into bears, buddy,” he said, his voice more than a little shaky. “Rather she beat me up than you.”

“That’s why I’m going to let him do it if you don’t answer my next question honestly.”

“You got it, mistress.”

“Stop calling me that.”

“Can’t do it, mistress. Gotta show respect to my lady.”

“I’m not your...” She growled and held up her hand. “See this? Wedding ring. Not here to fuck you.”

Holt shrugged. “Had sex with married women before. Awesome.”

Another growl, this one going higher-pitched; Raymond winced. “You better shape up, dude. I think she might just kill you on principle.” He extended his claws. “If I don’t eat you first.”

That made Holt’s face go white. He nodded quickly. “What’s your question?”

“Is the succubus in your sex doll?”

He slumped, seeming relieved. “Yeah, of course; why wouldn’t it be? And how’d you know it was a succubus?”

“Because we’re not idiots,” Raymond said. “You called up a sex demon and let it possess a non-human body? Do you have any idea what could happen?”

Even Philippa hadn’t known before Tom explained it just minutes ago. She was impressed that Raymond did.

Holt didn’t, though. “I... get lots of head from a woman who I don’t have to date? Or pay?”

Philippa took a long step forward and backhanded Holt hard across the face before picking him up and slamming him in a seated position onto his dresser. “You’re repulsive,” she said, her face close to his. “You should consider yourself lucky I don’t let her drain you dry before I kill her.”

He leered at her breasts, which were mostly visible at this angle. She shoved him backward, his shoulders hitting the mirror -- and his arousal apparent again, fucking pervert! -- and quickly buttoned up. “How long until she comes back?”

Holt glanced at the bedside clock. “About ten hours. Sundown.” His hand inched downward, toward his... oh God no... no... please don’t... He caught her looking and grinned. “I’m free until then, if you want some of--erk!”

Her hand was around his throat, squeezing hard enough to make his face go red.

“Um, Philippa?”

“What?” she growled to Raymond.

He pointed at Holt’s crotch. “Might want to get out of the way.”

She did, and just in time, too.



Philippa left Raymond to keep an eye on Holt and went to spend the day with her family, promising to return an hour before sundown. Craig wasn’t happy she was leaving before all the kids were in bed, but she had a job to do. “I’m sorry,” she’d said after saying goodnight to the kids. “After tonight, I’ll be all yours.”

“Just be careful,” Craig had whispered. “Please.”

“Always am. Love you.”

Philippa returned to Holt’s house and she and Raymond waited for the demon, hidden from sight in Holt’s mother’s bedroom.

“Did he tell you why he lied about picking her up downtown?”

“Dude’s got a crazy fantasy world up in his head,” Raymond said. “He thinks the sex doll is actually his girlfriend. He did the spell and passed out, and when he woke up she was gone; he really did pick her up downtown, and she really did tie him up and leave him there.”

“Strange little man.”

“You got that right.”

Philippa fell silent when she heard something come into the house. She and Raymond peeked out through the cracked bedroom door and saw the doll-demon walking down the hall. It moved with a single-mindedness that Philippa had rarely seen in such a creature.

“Freaky,” Raymond said. “All jerky like that.”

“You definitely tied him up tight, right?”

Raymond nodded. “Had to wash my hands after. I do some weird stuff, but that little man is one step beyond, even for me.”

Philippa let the comment sit. Whatever Raymond got up to with his girlfriend was his business, so long as it was consensual -- and, judging from what she’d seen from Gina the night before, it was. And it wasn’t as if she hadn’t ever let Craig tie her wrists to the bed before -- although it was more for the show of things; she could easily have ripped through the neckties he usually used.

Once the demon-possessed sex doll was in Holt’s room, the slayer and the bear crept down the hallway. From Holt’s doorway, they watched it climb up onto the bed and pull away the sheet, revealing Holt’s naked body. “Hey baby,” he said. “Had a good day?”

The demon didn’t speak to him -- Philippa guessed the doll didn’t have the right parts for that. It just lowered its mouth to Holt’s groin and began sucking his life-force.

Raymond nodded to the slayer and she drew the short-sword from the sheath down her spine. The bear already had his claws out.

But when Holt realized what Philippa was about to do, he nearly screamed. “No! Don’t hurt Kimi!”

The doll released Holt and turned, rearing up. Its mouth was in a pursed O shape, its unblinking eyes glowing with fury. Philippa brought the sword down and the doll actually caught it, clutching it tight in one fist. The slayer yanked it backward, slicing through the doll’s silicone skin, but its grip had been tight enough to put her off balance; it clubbed her shoulder with its free hand, hard enough to send a reverberation through her arm. What the hell is that thing made of?

Philippa stepped back a bit, adjusting her stance; the doll moved off the bed, jerky but economical in its movements, and advanced on her. “What the hell?” She glanced at Holt. “You named it?”

“I spent seven grand on Kimi!” he protested. “Don’t kill her!”

“That is so gross,” Raymond said. He swiped at the doll, but it deflected his blow and nailed his chest with a palm-strike.

That wasn’t enough to stop the teenage bear, though; Raymond scooped up the doll and body-slammed it to the carpeted floor, holding it down with his massive bulk. “Please!” Holt cried, actually sounding like they were about to kill a person. “Please, don’t hurt her, please!”

Philippa brought the sword down in a quick movement and severed the doll’s head. As she watched, the glow in its eyes faded.

Then the essence of the succubus rose from the doll’s inert body, heading for Philippa.

“Oh no you don’t,” she said, pivoting and running from the room. She felt the demon following her as she made for the basement -- the basement that, with Tom’s instructions, Raymond had spent the day preparing.

Philippa leapt over the circle, putting it between her body and the door, and sliced the back of her hand with Holt’s athame. The demon’s essence flowed into the room, right at her, and the moment it was in the circle, she slapped her bloody skin against the floor, completing the boundary spell.

Philippa hadn’t thought a demon’s essence could scream, but scream it did, until the spell sent it back to the hell from which it had come.


When Philippa got back to Holt’s bedroom, Raymond had already freed the little man. He was wrapped in his blanket, sobbing. “You killed Kimi,” he said -- the doll’s severed head was cradled in the crook of his arm like a baby he needed to rock to sleep. “You killed her!”

“It was the only way to get the demon out.”

“But why get it out? I only raised it to pleasure me!”

“Holt,” Philippa said, folding her arms under her breasts, “are you even aware of what... what Kimi... was doing while you were tied up in here?”

“Didn’t matter,” he said. “Had sex.”

She rolled her eyes. “It killed four men by sucking their life force out of their bodies.”

“She... what?”

“Sucked them off so hard she drained their balls,” Raymond told him. “You should’ve seen it -- like coin purses with nothing in ‘em.”


“Sorry,” he said to Philippa. “But it’s true.”

She gritted her teeth, not trusting herself to speak.

“Your doll-demon should’ve killed you too,” Raymond continued. “We don’t know why it didn’t.”

“Because one pop a night isn’t enough to stop the Holtster,” Holt said, smoothing the doll’s hair away from its forehead. “Kimi knew that.”

Philippa darted forward, grabbed the doll head by the hair, and slammed it so hard against the wall that the skull flattened with a crunch. “For the love of God, Holt, you have no idea, do you? You’re responsible for four men’s lives! I should call the cops, get you put away!”

He raised his head now, his hazel eyes suddenly cold and calculating. “But you can’t. There’s no evidence. Just your word and his against mine... and you killed my girlfriend!”

She so very badly wanted to throttle him, but given what that had done last time, she thought better of it. “Raymond,” she said, “keep an eye on him. If anything even remotely like this ever happens again...” She drew her thumb across her throat. “Eat him. Feet first.”

Raymond smiled, showing his fangs. “You bet.”

The threat, Philippa saw, was enough. She got the hell out of Holt’s house.


Craig was already in bed when Philippa got back to the B&B. She changed into her nightgown and climbed in beside him, clinging to him as tight as she could without actually hurting him.

“Bad night?” he asked, putting his Kindle aside to take her in his arms.

“Really bad.” She nuzzled her cheek against his bare chest and sighed. “People in this town are crazy.”

“You’re telling me,” he said. “You should’ve heard the things coming from the mouths of these kids on the playground.”

Philippa nodded. “I’m sorry I took this assignment. I’m sorry I said yes to Tom. I should’ve made someone else do it.”

“What’s done is done,” Craig said. “You’re a slayer. You fight evil. I take it you won?”

“I did.” No need to mention Raymond yet. “Succubus demon. Some dumbass raised it and put it into his sex doll. I had to destroy the doll and capture the demon in a binding circle.”

“A sex doll?” Craig chuckled. “Really?”

“Really. Said it cost him seven thousand dollars.”


Philippa nodded, then turned her head up to her husband. “He was a pervert,” she said. “And not the good kind. Help me get him off my mind?”

Craig caught the hint -- I did make it pretty blatant, after all -- and kissed her, turning them as he did until he was kneeling between her thighs, her nightgown rucked up around her hips. “I love you,” he said.

“Love you too.”

And then Craig proceeded to make Philippa forget all about Holt Richter, succubus demons, sex dolls, and scrotums that looked like empty coin purses.

It ended up being the best night of their vacation. And, about three months later, when she peed on the little stick and the target area turned pink, she just smiled.

Raymond, of course, had noticed the change in her body chemistry the moment he’d arrived in Richmond for his training, but she hadn’t believed him. “Talking bear,” he’d said, tapping his nose.

And Philippa couldn’t argue with that.


Author’s Note

Here’s my original outline for this story:

Philippa the Vampire Slayer and her family (husband, three kids) are living in the suburbs of Richmond, VA. Philippa runs the slayer house. They get a call from the mother of a slayer who lives in a town about 50 miles away called Stoolbend -- some weird crap is going on. They’re about to take a road trip (the family), so Philippa says she’ll look into it. Use this as an excuse for Philippa’s oldest to become friends with Rallo, who introduces them to his family, etc etc. It turns out that Holt of all people has been trying to raise a succubus because he just wants to have sex. Philippa is forced to slay the succubus. They move on to wherever they’re going -- my guess is her in-laws.

You can see just what did and didn’t get kept. I really wanted to focus more on the Browns -- specifically Rallo -- but the timeframe didn’t work itself out and I ended up writing a buddy-cop comedy between Philippa and Raymond.

And then I realized just how evil I could make a succubus, and just how Quagmire-like Holt can be when it comes to the ladies, and... well... as Mark says, shit just got real.

Still, I hope you enjoyed the story. I may bring Raymond back at some point in the future, especially now that Philippa is pregnant. Again. I totally didn’t plan that, either -- it just happened, as things do.

Please do review or e-mail to let me know what you thought of the story. And thanks for reading.

PS: the next story in this series arrives September 13. Stay tuned.

Marietta, GA, USA
September 6, 2012

The End

You have reached the end of "On Philippa the Vampire Slayer's Trip to Stoolbend". This story is complete.

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