Disclaimer: I still don't own them.
Phil’s Shield File has less outright lies in it but he’s the one that wrote it.
Shield File: Deputy Director Fury recruited Army Ranger Captain Phillip J. Coulson.
Truth: Nick Fury had worked with Phil’s mother before being Phil’s commanding officer from the time he enlisted until he got a command post of his own. When Fury got the offer to run SHIELD he’d asked Phil to come with. Phil told him he was needed right where he was but maybe later. It took six years and thirty three declines before he finally had enough of the Army and agreed to be Fury’s left eye again.
Shield File: Agent Coulson has no living family.
Truth: Phil joined SHIELD on the condition that no connection to his family ever made it into his file. His mother had already hidden their connection and Nick was his daughter’s godfather. They spent a week destroying every paper and virtual connection. Phil’s ex-wife and daughter were moved cross country with new names, social security numbers and everything they needed to start over. It didn’t really change their lives all that much: new names, new home, new city, new state but routine life for the former Coulson’s stayed the same. Phil still spent most of his time away but he got to visit slightly more often than when he was a Ranger. Phil’s older half-sister had cut her ties with him when he joined the army (not because he joined but because her husband was an ass and hated Phil. The feeling was mutual), but he kept tabs on her and her son anyways. Her son was very good at finding trouble (Phil almost recruited him but he did more good where he was). Phil’s mother was still alive and happily living in one of Shield’s retirement communities even though she was in her nineties. He also had a younger half-brother he was pretty sure had no idea about him but he kept tabs on him anyways.
Shield File: Agent Coulson is not an actual recruiter for Shield.
Truth: Phil made recommendation for Shield agents all the time (including Hill and Sitwell) but Clint was the first and only person Phil actually recruited and that had been accidental. Phil and his ex-wife had taken their daughter to Carson’s Traveling Circus on a whim. Even after three years she’d recognized her beloved ‘Uncle’ Lee. The ten year old had no qualms with glomping Hawkeye in the middle of his performance. Clint, ever the showman, just rolled with it and continued his act with her hanging off his back like a monkey. Clint’s mother, Katarina, dragged Jocelyn and Darcy to her trailer afterwards so Phil and Clint could talk. Neither Clint nor Phil expected those three to get along as well as they did but they shouldn’t have been surprised.
As odd as it might seem to other people Jocelyn (formerly Joanna Coulson nee Evans) had adored Lee. He might have been the reason for their divorce but she’d never held it against him. They wouldn’t have ever even thought about a relationship if she hadn’t asked for the divorce. She and Phil been high school sweethearts and married before Phil shipped out but honestly neither of them had actually believed in the kind of Epic love that made you do crazy things, hadn’t believed in soul-mates. They’d been happy together but as much as they loved each other they’d never been in love with each other. She’d watched ‘Lee’ make Phil happy by just being near and known he was Phil’s soul-mate. She’d been happy for both of them. She’d been almost as devastated as Phil had been when he’d ‘died’. Darcy (formerly Prudence which she happily changed to Darcy) had been in total denial, at seven she’d refused to believe he was dead because he’d promised not to die. Katarina adored the woman that stepped aside so her son could be happy and she absolutely loved her pseudo granddaughter. Jocelyn had helped Katarina with the ‘words’ she had with Phil so had Darcy.
Shield File: Agent Coulson is the personification of competence. He is also the paperwork master. All paperwork related questions should be directed to him.
Truth: Clint added that but it’s actually true so Phil didn’t bother taking it out.
Shield File: Agent Coulson has an aviation degree. He’s cleared to fly anything from a crop duster to the Helicarrier.
Truth: It comes in handy quite often and he taught Clint how to pilot the quinjet while he was concussed during an extraction.
Shield File: Agent Coulson wasn’t in charge of training junior agents. He had no say on whether they made the final cut or washed out.
Truth: Junior agents flocked to him like ducklings. The fact that he treated them like mildly retarded five year olds never prevents them from following him around. He did on occasion talk the Training Agents into passing a junior agent that would have regularly washed out with spectacular results.
Shield File: Agent Coulson is a boss ninja.
Truth: Clint also added that but Phil’s too amused to take it out.
Shield File: Agent Coulson is dating a cellist. He’s been dating her on and off since a few years before he joined Shield.
Truth: Clint is better at the violin but he plays the cello for Phil. Clint’s rather good with all types of bows.
Shield File: Agent Coulson does not live in his office.
Truth: Sometimes he does but he misses his apartment and his bed when it happens. Clint’s usually in the air duct above him so he doesn’t actually miss Clint. On occasion Phil joins him up there but usually they end up on the couch. Clint is spectacularly good at disappearing before anyone so much as touches the door knob.
Shield File: Agent Coulson has walked unarmed into enemy strongholds to recover his assets.
Truth: Phil is always armed. Anyone can use a gun, but Phil can use anything as a weapon. It wasn’t the army or Shield that taught him anything could be a weapon it had been his mother. Margaret Coulson nee Carter had been an agent for over twenty years when Phil was conceived and Phillip J. Coulson senior had already been dead for a month. Phil’s older sister took after her father and had been primarily raised by the man before he died but Phil was entirely his mother’s child. He remembers playing games with his mother that later in life saved his life.
Shield File: Agent Coulson always wears suits.
Truth: Clint makes a lot of jokes about Phil’s suits but every suit is custom made. They are perfectly tailored to hide the ‘extras’ he carries. Phil has put his tailor’s children through college so the man loves him, sends him greeting cards during the holidays and birthday cards every year and has never asked just what it is that Phil does that regularly destroys his hard work. There have only been ten ops in which Phil had to leave his suits at home. Clint gets slightly distracted by casual Phil because casual Phil is his.
Shield File: The intel on Budapest was BAD. Agent Coulson was not pleased at all. Three days after contact was lost with Agents Barton and Romanov the World Security Council denied a rescue mission. Agent Coulson smiled pleasantly at Director Fury before disappearing for a week. He returned with two battered, bruised, slightly broken but still very much alive assets.
Truth: The friendlier and more pleasant Phil becomes the more dangerous he is. It happens right before someone’s about to get their asses handed to them in highly embarrassing ways. Phil knew Clint was a survivor and while he didn’t have the same blind faith in Natasha as he did in Clint he wasn’t willing to give up on either of them without bodies. It took him two days to find them and they were in bad shape. The semi-delirious grin on Clint’s face when he showed up didn’t quite distract him from the utter confusion on Natasha’s. The fact that she crawled onto the mattress Clint was laying on and pass out less than five minutes after he took over watch meant more than any words she’d never say. As he watched them both rest for what was probably the first time in two weeks he realized Clint had been right when he said she was theirs. Budapest was the mission that cemented Agent Romanov into Natasha in Phil’s head and Tasha in his heart.
Shield File: Agent Coulson is a BFN. He has no qualms dragging agents that weren’t BFNs to Comic Cons to carry his shit when he’s annoyed with them (Romanov and Barton). Hill got dragged along on occasion and even Fury hadn’t escaped Comic Con 2010.
Truth: All Shield agents are BFNs but some are better at hiding it than others. Clint and Natasha actually love Comic Cons as much as Phil does. Fury won a costume contest in his Shield outfit.
Shield File: Debriefing Stark after his escape wasn’t assigned to Agent Coulson in retaliation for the ‘incident’ it was because Agent Coulson was unflappable.
Truth: His nephew wore a Hawaiian print eye patch when meeting Clint for the first time. Clint gave Fury one for Boss’s Day. Fury blamed Phil for introducing the two and was punishing him with Tony fucking Stark. Fury wasn’t aware that the first time Phil met Tony, Phil was ten years old and Tony was two months old though before being assigned his debriefing Phil hadn’t seen Tony since he was three. Phil hadn’t actually been bothered by the fact that Tony hadn’t recognized him, it had been thirty five years after all and small children forget people very easily. It amused Phil when Tony called him Agent.
Shield File: Agent Coulson was on vacation when he was called in to babysit Mr. Stark the second time. Agent Coulson is allowed to Taser Mr. Stark whenever he feels it’s necessary.
Truth: Phil and Clint were visiting Phil’s mother at the time. Clint’s mother, Katarina and Jocelyn had already been there with Darcy present via Jocelyn’s laptop. Peggy and Katarina sent the boys on their way before they could make up an excuse not to go. Phil will never admit that he was just as terrified by the fact that they were all friends as Clint was. The only thing that would have scared him more is Natasha being there as well so it was a good thing they left before she conferenced in via Katarina’s laptop. It was also a good thing that the boys didn’t know that their meetings were a weekly thing and had been going on since Clint followed Phil to Shield. Natasha usually made their weekly chat even when she was on missions because she was that good.
Shield File: Agent Coulson likes crappy gas station donuts. Being denied their sugary goodness brings out the boss ninja.
Truth: Clint hadn’t bothered to get out of the car when the gas station was being robbed though he did record the entire incident. Darcy got to watch it during their lunch before she convinced him to email it to Natasha and the three M’s (Jocelyn, Katarina and Peggy). Later that day when Phil found out Darcy let Clint take the fall entirely on his own. Clint stole her Ipod in retaliation.
Shield File: Agent Coulson let Thor go with Dr. Selvig to see what he’d do.
Truth: It hadn’t been that mush of a surprise when Clint’s mother pointed out that Darcy had just the slightest touch of the Sight which she inherited it from Phil who inherited it from his mother. It was just enough to make them very good at seeing the true character of people. Darcy had point blank said he wasn’t a bad guy so he let Thor go with Selvig.
Shield File: Agent Coulson didn’t squeal like a fan girl when Fury informed him Captain America had been recovered.
Truth: There’s a video of Clint and Natasha laughing so hard they’re fell on their asses because of Phil’s reaction to the news that manages to resurface no matter how hard Phil tries to get rid of it.
Shield File: Agent Coulson pulled Agent Romanov off assignment after Agent Barton was compromised.
Truth: Phil was beyond terrified that they weren’t going to be able to get Clint back.
Shield File: Agent Coulson died after being stabbed threw the chest by Loki with his scepter.
Truth: He was only dead for a few minutes. Fury is an exaggerating liar even if the idea was Phil’s in the first place. He really did think he was dead for sure that time so he could be forgiven for making the suggestion. Fury should have told them all the truth after the battle instead of putting it off until they (Katarina, Peggy, Jocelyn and Darcy) threw the mother of all shit fits. The fact that Tony managed to record Phil’s ninety five year old mother hitting Fury with her Taser cane meant Nick was never living it down.
Shield File: Agent Coulson is the Agent-in-charge of the Avengers.
Truth: Phil’s the glorified babysitter to a Norse God, a brilliant scientist with breathtaking anger issues, Tony fucking Stark, a man out of time, an assassin that could kill them all and the worlds’ greatest marksman but he wouldn’t change it for the world.