The Apartment Disconcertment Intervention
A/N: Disclaimer, crossover, spoilers, etc. are all given in chapter 1.Knock-knock-knock.
She sighed as she walked over to the door. She pulled it open and without even looking, said, “Sheldon. What’s the matter?”
In a slightly hysterical tone, Sheldon said, “There’s activity going on in the apartment over my head! There’s walking, and scraping, and clunking, and there may even be… scratching!”
She knew that particular hysterical tone. It was the ‘someone is sitting in my spot’ over-reaction, as opposed to the ‘I drank out of your glass and I may die of some loathsome disease’ over-reaction, or the ‘someone stole my World of Warcraft treasures out of my account’ over-reaction, or even the ‘I made a mathematical error in a paper I showed to Stephen Hawking’ over-reaction.
She nodded gently. “That’s right, sweetie. You have new upstairs neighbors. And they’re not scientists.”
“But... but… they can’t be upstairs from me! I need my peace and quiet! I need to be able to concentrate when I’m in my apartment! I might be resolving the discrepancies between quantum gravitation theory and superstring theory! It’s IMPORTANT I have quiet and not have neighbors wreaking havoc over my head day and night when I least expect it!”
She added, “And you wouldn’t want to have people upstairs clunking around when you’re in the middle of an important Warcraft raid.”
“That’s right!” he insisted, with absolutely no recognition of her sarcasm. She really needed to be more blatant about it, just so he would understand she was being sarcastic. To him.
He demanded, “And what have you done about this… invasion?”
She put a finger to her cheek and acted like she was thinking about it. “Let me see… I told them there was an apartment available, and I showed them the apartment, and I introduced them to the landlord, and… Oh yes, I collected the finder’s fee for getting a new tenant, so my rent for the month is completely covered!” She gave him a sweet little smile just to twist the knife a little bit more.
“Traitor!” he hissed. “See if we invite you to play on our Halo team ever again!”
She couldn’t resist. “Oh, and the new apartment owner? Her name is Buffy.”
“BUFFY!?!” Sheldon screeched. “Oh lord, not someone named Buffy! What next? A Scientologist? An astrologer? Perhaps a… a… cheerleader? Oh Penny, what have you done?!”
She could have given him a break, but she decided it was more fun to tease him. “Ooh, she might have been a cheerleader. You should ask her.”
“I most certainly shall not!” he insisted. “I am adamant on that point!”
She just gave him a big smile. “Now Sheldon, what would your mother do if new neighbors had just moved in?”
He adjusted his stance to his ‘contemplation’ pose. “Well, first she would bake them a pie and welcome them to the neighborhood. And then she would invite them to attend church with her. And then she would invite herself in, and have my father and my big brother help them move in. And then, if they refused to attend church with her, she would go say prayers in their name, and possibly lead a protest on their front lawn.”
She asked, “And what should you do? Skipping the whole baking and church part.”
“Lead a protest on their doorstep?” he checked.
“Noooo,” she slowly shook her head. “Not that part either.”
He asked, “Invite myself in? Why would I want to do that?”
She glared at him. “So you can meet the new neighbors?”
He looked even more confused. “And why would I want to do that?”
She knew it was pointless, but she still said, “Because that’s what normal people DO.”
He frowned, with that little pursed mouth thing he did. “And again I ask: why would I want to do that?”
She asked, “So you can report to your alien overlords on the humans who are blocking your robotic transmissions to the mothership?” Only this time, she put enough sarcasm in her voice for even Sheldon to notice.
He said, “I don’t make transmissions to a ship overhead. And when we want to do anything non-theoretical, we use the roof and Leonard’s laser.”
Okay, so much for putting enough sarcasm in the voice. She needed a sign that said ‘SARCASM’ in huge block letters. She tried once more. “Let me walk you upstairs, so you can see what they’re doing that’s making the clunking and scratching noises, so you’ll feel more confident that they’re not drilling holes into your ceiling or anything.”
He jerked upright, and he did everything except literally have his hair stand on end. “You mean they might drill holes in my ceiling?”
“No sweetie, they won’t really drill holes in your ceiling.”
He gasped, “They could be introducing all manner of microbial or viral contaminations into my living room!”
“Sweetie, they won’t do that.”
He choked, “They could be inserting miniature cameras so that they can steal all my research notes! Nothing on my whiteboards would be safe, ever again!”
“Sheldon, please stop and listen, they won’t-”
But he was gone. He was racing up the stairs already. She sighed and grabbed her keys so she could close her door and follow him. Maybe she’d better text Buffy first.
* * * * *Knock-knock-knock.
Buffy looked at the text message on her phone, and gave Miri time to roll the carpet out while Tia held the couch up. As soon as the couch touched the rug, she strolled over to the door and opened it.
The tall, thin man with the bad haircut loomed over her. Maybe she shouldn’t have taken her shoes off. She said, “Wait, wait, don’t tell me… I’m having a vision… Your name is… something that begins with ‘S’. ‘S.L.C.’ I see…”
“This is preposterous,” the guy grouched. “Psychic abilities have been demonstrated time and time again to be fakeries and frauds. Diaconis and Randi’s paper on the subject demonstrated it. Furthermore, basic quantum mechanics shows that prediction of even the path of a single ion is not achievable, except in a perfect vacuum with no external radiative effects, and the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle can be used trivially to show that-”
“Sheldon, she’s just teasing,” said Penny from behind him.
Buffy smiled, “Penny told me you’re Sheldon Cooper. Doctor Sheldon L. Cooper. She described you as the tallest, twitchiest guy in the building, with an unmistakable East Texas accent and an Adrian Monk-level case of germophobia.”
He stiffened and said, “I do not have germophobia. There is no such disorder listed in the entirety of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders
. And I do not have a phobia about bacterial and viral contamination. I simply have a healthy respect for the risks of interpersonal contact.”
Penny added from behind him, “And he can quote from that manual. Whatever it is. He has a photographic memory.”
“Eidetic memory,” he corrected automatically. “And I demand that you not drill holes in my ceiling to disseminate particulate matter of any type, up to and including amoebae, bacteria, viruses, and/or prions of any sort. And before you ask any question, I would like to inform you that the plural of virus is not virii, which would only make sense if the singular form were actually virius.”
Buffy pointed behind her and said, “We’re just laying down a nice rug to dampen the sound from our Tuesday night tenpin bowling club.”
“WHAT?!?” Sheldon yelped. It was all Buffy could do not to laugh out loud. “You can’t do that! It’s-”
Penny gently said, “Sweetie, she’s teasing. Remember that whole ‘sarcasm’ thing?”
Buffy looked at her and said, “Penny, door’s open. And if you think your boyfriend is potty-trained, him too.”
“She is NOT my girlfriend!” Sheldon hotly insisted.
Penny just reminded him, “Remember the part about sarcasm?”
“Oh. Right.” He stiffly stepped into the apartment. The area where he had his couch properly situated was being used as a sort of atrium, with a dining area over by the open kitchen, two side-by-side desks set up as computer stations on the right-hand wall, and a living room area arranged to his left. He said, “I love what you’ve done with the place.”
“No. I couldn’t care less, as long as there are no holes in the floor. Bazinga!”
Buffy smiled, “You so need lessons on sarcasm and humor. But nice try. I give it a four out of ten.”
He frowned, “I’ll have you know that was extremely funny!”
She smiled some more. “Actually, I only give it a one out of ten. Bazinga!”
Two younger women walked over, both of them taller than Buffy. Buffy pointed at the redhead. “Sheldon, this is Miri. She’s going to Cal Tech. I understand that’s your university?”
He sniffed, “Yes, but it is quite unlikely she would ever have me for a class.”
Miri said, “I’m majoring in biophysics, but I heard about your classes, so maybe not.”
Buffy pointed at the Hispanic-looking brunette with the pink streak dyed into her hair. “And this is Tia. She’s going to be a freshman at USC.”
He said dismissively, “And I suppose she’s going to be majoring in some wooly subject like ‘women’s studies’ or ‘philosophy’.”
Tia said, “I’m planning on majoring in linguistics and ancient languages.”
He rolled his eyes. “Well, what on earth can you do with a degree like that?”
She laughed and said, “You really have no clue, do you?”
He stood up straighter and insisted, “Of course I have a clue! I have many clues! I have an IQ of 187, and the work I do is far more important than some fluffy little pastime like yours.”
Penny winced a little and said, “Maybe we should go. It’s really too bad you couldn’t just bake a pie to bring them.”
He let Penny escort him out of the apartment. He wasn’t sure, but he thought maybe those girls were still laughing at him. He was going to have to ask Leonard about that. Or Amy. Amy understood women much better than Leonard.