The Desperation Distraction Distortion
A/N: Disclaimer, crossover, spoilers, etc. are all given in chapter 1.
Leonard tried to ignore the knocking on the apartment door, while he checked for attackers. He had his shotgun out, and he peered around the boulders before he crouched down again. “We’ve got-”Knock-knock-knock
. “Penny!” Knock-knock-knock
. “Penny!” Knock-knock-knock
Sheldon stared at his screen and snapped, “Penny! Why is Buffy Summers looking for you over here?”
Raj said, “I finally got one! He was on a Mongoose with no backup.”
Penny stared at her screen and called out, “In here!”
Buffy swung open the door and strolled in. “Hey Penny. I didn’t know you were busy. What’s this?”
“Halo,” Sheldon said imperiously. “Isn’t it obvious?”
Buffy looked at the person sitting closest to where she was standing. “Hi. You must be Raj. Thanks for teaching Penny how to make tea.”
Leonard yelped, “Raj! We’ve got incoming over the ridge! Infantry!”
Sheldon said, “Lot of infantry, and something big coming up from behind the ridge.”
Meanwhile, Raj was staring at Buffy. He was twitching slightly, but not moving. His mouth was open, but no sound was coming out.
Penny started sniping at the infantry forces. Without looking away from the screen, she said to Buffy, “Didn’t I tell you Raj couldn’t talk to women?”
Buffy leaned forward and patted Raj on the shoulder. “It’s okay. Just take a deep breath and-”
Raj threw his controller into the air and sprinted for the kitchen.
“Do not run across my line of sight!” Sheldon snapped. “I could be killed!”
Buffy casually snagged the controller out of the air.
Leonard complained, “We can’t go a man down now!”
Buffy asked, “Can I loot the body?”
Penny said, “Sure.” But she was busy focusing on incoming opponents and firing at anything that moved out from cover.
“Oooh, I like swords,” Buffy cooed.
“Please, try to be professional while you’re acting as an untrained emergency replacement on my team!” insisted Sheldon.
“Fine.” Buffy focused on the screen and started working the controller. “Penny. Controls?”
“Right trigger fire. Left trigger grenade. A jump. B switch nades. X reload. Y swap weapons. Left move, left-click crouch. Right aim. Right-click zoom view. Left bumper use equip, right bumper melee.”
“Gotcha. And what’s the ATV here?”
“A Mongoose. Two-man. No weapons.”
“Okay,” Buffy said.
“WHAT is she doing?!” Sheldon snapped.
“Buffy?” Penny asked.
“Yee-hah!” A Mongoose came spinning out from behind an outcropping, and the enemy infantry turned to focus on her.
“Take ‘em!” Leonard snapped.
“I’ve got right flank,” Sheldon said.
“I’ve got left… Holy crap,” Penny managed.
The enemy forces were firing in Buffy’s direction, but none of them were hitting her. She was driving the Mongoose erratically and far too fast. It hit three soldiers, while Buffy wielded her newly-looted energy sword and took down four others.
“That’s not possible!” Sheldon insisted.
Penny sniped the last man standing. “Buffy! Look out, there’s… Oh crap, it’s two tanks.”
Leonard snapped, “Retreat to cover. Buffy! Retreat to cover!”
She ignored him and drove the Mongoose right between the two tanks. She said, “I got a troll hammer, I don’t need to retreat.”
“Where did she get a Gravity Hammer?” Sheldon complained. “Nobody can loot a body that
Penny urgently said, “If you’ve got a GH, you can assault a tank from behind. But not two
Buffy just said, “Hey Raj, you want your controller back? Speak up!”
Raj made a choking noise and ran back to the fridge for a second beer.
“Not across my line of sight!” yelled Sheldon.
“Ohh…kay…” Buffy suddenly attacked one of the tanks from the rear with the Gravity Hammer.
Sheldon insisted, “Oh no, she can’t possibly…”
On the third strike, the tank went flying into the air.
“You can’t do that!” Sheldon glared at Buffy. “It’s simply not-”
Buffy hit the other tank and knocked it fifty feet to the side. Then she turned and ran.
“Wait, you’re going to be a target for the tank’s weaponry, and-”
The first tank came down exactly on top of the second one. The explosion cleared the area, including taking out six more opponents who were on foot behind the tanks.
Raj came back with a third beer. Buffy smiled at him and asked, “Do you want your controller back?”
Sheldon and Leonard simultaneously yelled, “NO! DON’T GIVE IT TO HIM!”
Penny said, “Look on the bright side, Raj. You just picked up something like six medals.”
“Fourteen, including the consequences of the tanks exploding,” declared Sheldon without looking up from his screen.
Raj took a swallow from his beer bottle and looked around. He said, “It hardly feels like I did anything.”