“AAAAGH!” Luke cried sliding down the chute, just as he was getting used to sliding the chute came to a sudden end and he found himself flying through the air, but not for long, “UUGH!” Hitting a pile of junk, Luke rolled and found himself lying half in and half out of a pool of filthy water, looking up he saw Solo tumble from the end of the chute, “HEY! OOMPH!”
Crawling from under the smuggler, Luke climbed to his feet, he found himself in a large metal walled room half filled with junk of all types. Over by a large inspection hatch Chewie stood hitting the hatch with his fists and yelling at it in a futile attempt to get it open. Only three or four feet away from him and standing on a pile of discarded packing crates stood Princess Leia; Luke noted that the Princess had somehow managed not to fall into the filth that he was at present standing in. Lastly Han Solo was struggling to his feet next to Luke; he didn’t appear to be that happy about surviving their latest scrap with death.
“The garbage chute was a really
wonderful idea,” Solo sneered at the Princess, “and what an incredible smell you’ve discovered!”
Not answering Princess Leia tried to climb higher up the pile of garbage and further away from the filthy water that Luke and Solo were still standing in.
“Lets get outta here,” Solo muttered angrily as he pointed his blaster at the hatch, “get away from there Chewie.”
“AAAAAAGH!” Chewie called in panic as he realised what his boss intended to do.
“NO WAIT!” Luke cried, but it was too late Solo had fired.
The bolt of plasma bounced around the room forcing the four insurgents to duck down into the trash and take cover. Eventually the plasma bolt stopped ricocheting off the walls and spent itself against a piece of metal pipe.
“It’s magnetically sealed asshole!” Luke yelled as he climbed back to his feet.
“Put that thing away!” screeched the Princess as she pulled herself from the ooze where she’d fallen, “You’re going to get us all killed!”
“Aagh,” Chewie agreed quietly.
“Absolutely, your worship,” Solo replied sneeringly apparently untroubled by having nearly killed everyone. “Look I had everything under control,” Solo announced with mounting hysteria, “‘til you led us down here!” Letting his emotions get the better of him Solo’s voice trembled as he spoke almost as if he was going to burst into tears, “Ya know it’s not going to take them long to figure out what’s happened to us…”0=0=0=0
“What happened to them?” Buffy asked as she examined the hole in the wall and winced at the smell.
“Sensors indicate that they’re in the bloody rubbish compactor two bloody levels down, Mate,” replied the NCO.
“Good,” Buffy smiled, she’d make them pay for murdering her men, “like you say, trapped like bloody rats in a bloody barrel.”
“Too bloody right Mate,” agreed the squad leader.
“So,” Buffy stood up straight and looked around, “how do we get them out?”
“We’ve got the bloody inspection bloody hatch and this end bloody covered Mate,” the NCO explained, “they can’t bloody get bloody out; we could bloody assault the bloody hatch?”
“No!” Buffy shook her head, “That’ll give them the chance to shoot more of us,” Buffy spent a moment thinking, “haven’t we got some gas or something? Nothing lethal, I want them alive so I can toss them out the airlock myself!”
“Ermmm,” the Squad leader thought for a moment, “we’ve got some bloody Laxigas.”
“Laxigas?” Buffy queried.
“The bloody effects are just like what it bloody sounds like, Mate,” the NCO sniggered, “it really opens the bloody sluices at both bloody ends if you know what I bloody mean!” the squad leader sniggered some more, “They’ll be so bloody crook they’ll bloody want you to bloody toss ‘em out the bloody airlock, Mate!”
“Good…” Buffy was just about to order a case of Laxigas grenades when her comms unit chirruped for attention, bringing the unit close to her mouth she spoke, “Hello?”
“Buffy!” it was Giles, “I’ve been monitoring you on the comms…”
“So?” Buffy didn’t really have time for this she wanted to see the murdering bastards in the garbage compactor puking and crapping their lives away and begging her to end their suffering, which she would…eventually.
“Remember our plan?” Giles continued, “We’ve got to let them escape so we can follow them to their base.”
“But Giles!” Buffy felt about sixteen again and complaining to her watcher because he wanted her to stake some vamp when she wanted to go to a party. “They murdered some of my men…”
“Yes I know,” Giles replied sympathetically, “but we stand a chance of, if not destroying the rebellion then dealing it a fatal blow. Please Buffy,” Giles pleaded, “think with your head not your heart…”
“Ooooh!” Buffy looked at the impassive, helmeted face of the squad leader knowing he’d do whatever she told him to; she could order him to ‘deal’ with the terrorists and nothing Giles said or did would stop him from carrying out her orders. “But Giles,” Buffy said quietly, “they just gunned my guys down, they didn’t even give them a chance to surrender, they could have just locked them in a cell or something…”
“I know Buffy,” Giles’ voice sounded tinny in Buffy’s ears, “but the greater good…please?”
“Okay,” Buffy said after a long pause, “I’ll let them escape.”
“Thank-you,” Giles sighed with relief, “and I promise you that when we catch them again you can be the judge at their trial.”
“They get a trial?” Buffy wasn’t sure she liked the idea of that.
“Of course,” Giles pointed out, “they’re entitled to a fair trial then you can do whatever you want with them.”
“Oh?” Buffy frowned for a moment until she realised what Giles was saying, “OH! I get it; okay Giles I’ll deal with this.”
Signing off Buffy turned back to the squad leader.
“Looks like we’re going to have to totally postpone our fun today,” Buffy informed her men, “but,” a slow smile spread across Buffy’s face, “I know someone who might just be able to provide us with a little entertainment!”0=0=0=0
Up in the control room Buffy-Bot listened to Buffy’s instructions. As soon as Buffy had signed off, Buffy-Bot searched the control panel for the right interface and plugged her left index finger into the socket. This way of interfacing with the station’s systems wasn’t as good as the R2 interface, but it would do. Quickly Buffy-Bot found the systems she wanted and made a few changes, happy with her work she smiled to herself and unplugged before turning to look at the techs who’d been working on the R2 unit.
“Okay, Miss Bot,” said the tall tech as he got up from next to the R2 unit, “that’s everything done.”
“Goodie!” Buffy-Bot clapped her hands happily, “And call be Anne,” she grinned, “I think I like being called Anne!”
“Right, ‘Anne’,” the tech glanced nervously at his buddy, neither of them was used to being around pretty girls, particularly girls as pretty as the Buffy-Bot. “You’ll be going with the unit?”
“That’s right,” Buffy-Bot paused for a moment as she heard ‘Master Luke’s’ panicking voice calling to her over her private comms link.
“Okay then,” Tall-Tech swallowed the big lump in his throat which was stopping him from sounding cool and impressing the sex-bot with his total coolness. “When you get to the rebel base make sure you’re not in the same room as the droid when they try to get the Peace Star plans out of it.”
“Oh?” Buffy-Bot released some pheromones into the air and watched the effect it was having on the tech-guy, “Why’s that?”
“W-Well I-I,” Tall-Tech-Guy ran his finger around his collar, was it him or had it got really hot in here? “I-I set up an anti-tamper device,” Tall-Tech-Guy laughed self-consciously, “W-Well if they try to download the plans they’ll infect their entire system and the droid’ll explode killing everyone in the room and maybe blowing out a bulkhead or two!”
“WOW!” Buffy-Bot smiled, Master Luke’s voice was getting really insistent now, “Sorry,” Buffy-Bot pouted sadly at the tech-guy, “I’ve got work to do, but next time I’m on the Peace Star I’ll be sure to look you up.”
Stepping up to the tech-guy she kissed him lightly on the lips before turning back to the control panel and letting Terminator Bot in on the action.
“What’s that Master Luke?” Buffy-Bot frowned as she stuck her finger in her ear as if she was finding it hard to hear what was being said, “You’re trapped by a cabbage contractor and the walls are closing in?”
Buffy-Bot ignored Luke’s next panicked ramblings.
“Well you know what they say?” Buffy-Bot continued as if she was talking with a girlfriend at the mall, “If you feel like the walls are closing in on you, you should seek psychiatric help.”
Luke’s cries for help got louder and more urgent.
“OH!” Buffy-Bot contrived to sound very surprised, “You mean the walls really are
closing in on you!”
Thinking that salvation was close at hand Luke calmed down significantly, or calmed down as much as anyone could who was about to be crushed to death.
“So,” Buffy-Bot made herself sound even more like a ‘ditzy blonde’ than she did normally, “where did you say you where again?”0=0=0=0
‘I’ll be sure to look you up’, yeah sure, sulked the tech guy as he walked back to his workshop, that’s what all the girls said. He just knew he’d never see the cute sex-bot again. She’d never come and ‘look him up’. Sex-bots just didn’t do that sort of thing with guys like him. No, he’d have to make do with his computer games as usual.
Unknown to Tall-Tech-Guy, whose real name was Nigel, Buffy-Bot had taken a DNA sample when she’d kissed him so that she’d be able to find him when next she was on the Peace Star. It seemed sex-bots like Buffy-Bot did go for guys like Nigel…well actually sex-bots like Buffy-Bot went for any
guy with a functioning penis, but I don’t think Nigel needs to know that, do you?0=0=0=0
In the command centre, Giles tried to hold his plan together. After he’d calmed Buffy down and persuaded her it wasn’t the time just yet to settle accounts with the rebels he’d gone back to monitoring Obi-won’s progress as he wandered aimlessly around the Peace Star’s corridors. Carefully he’d had the corridors evacuated so it would seem to the old Jedi that he was successfully evading any Imperial pursuit.
“We can’t keep this up for much longer, Lord Giles,” one of Giles’ aides explained, “he’s almost back to the loading bay.”
“That’s alright,” Giles reassured the man as he picked up his light sabre, “hold him where he is and I’ll go and arrest him myself.”
“Very good Lord Giles,” acknowledged the aide.
Striding out into the corridor, Giles turned to the platoon of Buffy’s stormtroopers who stood waiting for him.
“Alright you chaps,” Giles called, “follow me!”0=0=0=0
Standing at a junction of a couple of corridors two stormtroopers stood guard.
“What are we bloody doin’ here again, Bruce?” asked one.
“Look,” the other slightly older trooper started to explain the plan to his friend once again, “the Big Boss wants us to bloody wait here and pretend not to bloody notice that old bloody Jedi bloody Knight drongo bloody sneaking down the bloody corridor.”
“Fair dinkum, Bruce?” asked the first trooper in surprise.
“Fair bloody dinkum, mate,” agreed the older trooper.
“Sounds a bit bloody crook to me…” the first trooper was about to say more but his partner interrupted him.
“Look out!” whispered the older trooper, “There he bloody is hiding behind that bloody pillar…NO! Don’t bloody look, pretend not to bloody see him…look the other bloody way…”
The two troopers whistled tunelessly as they looked down the empty corridor and pretended not to notice the brown robed Jedi sneak off down the passageway behind them.
“Has he gone?” asked the first trooper.
The older trooper glanced over his shoulder to find the corridor clear.
“Bruce seven-seven-four to control,” he activated his comms unit, “target heading towards the loading bay along corridor one-eight-six, over.”
“Roger, seven-seven-four,” came the reply from control, “pull back to rally point now, over.”
“Seven-seven-four, pulling back now, out!” The two troopers headed for the safety of the rally point, it sounded like there was going to be trouble.0=0=0=0
“AH!” Giles stepped out of a side passage his light sabre activated and held in the ‘en garde’ position, “at last we meet…” Giles paused for a moment, “…which isn’t the most original thing to say I know but it’ll have to do for now.”
“So!” Obi-won activated his own light sabre, “The pupil challenges the Master.”
“What are you talking about?” Giles let the tip of his sabre fall an inch or two as he tried to work out what the old fool was talking about, “I was never your pupil and you were…never…my…” Giles looked at Obi-won closely for a moment, “My god!” he gasped, “Mr Greenford my old geography teacher! How…!?”
“Yes young Rupert, it is I!” Obi-won/Mr Greenford smiled serenely, “Now I want you to stop all this nonsense and write me a five thousand word essay on the formation of the Norwegian Fjords!”
Giles shook his head as if clearing it of some troubling thought.
“Your clever Jedi-geography mind tricks don’t work on me any more,” Giles’ sabre came back up into the proper ‘en garde’ position as stormtroopers filled the corridor behind the wayward geography teacher. “I’m no longer the awkward teenager trying to pass his geography ‘O’ level exam, I’ve been trained in the ways of the Watcher’s Council!”
“You swine!” Obi-Greenford-won cried before turning towards the troopers blocking the corridor behind him.
“And it’s no use trying your ‘this isn’t the Jedi Knight you’re looking for’ tricks on the stormtroopers!” Giles sneered, “They all come from Four-Ex, their mothers have been pickling their brains in larger since they were six, so your mental tricks won’t work on them, Ha-Ha!”
“Curse you, Rupert!” Obi-Greenford-won snapped as he turned to face Giles once more.
“So what’s it to be?” Giles asked calmly, “Will you come quietly or do I have to order my men to gun you down like the mad dog you are!”
“If you strike me down,” Obi-Greenford-won explained, “I will become more powerful than you can ever imagine!”
“My god man! How low can you go?” Giles demanded angrily.
“Oh, about a Jack-Russell,” Obi-won muttered quietly.
“Is nothing sacred to you and your perverted religion?” Giles challenged the old man, “For god’s sake man,” he gasped, “ripping off Tolkin, whatever next?”
“It seems,” the old geography teacher sighed sadly, “that this time you’ve won, Rupert.” Deactivating his sabre he dropped it on the floor and kicked it to one side, “You win, I’ll come quietly.”
“Jolly good,” Rupert deactivated his own weapon, “I say, some of you chaps take him to detention would you?”
Several troopers moved in and cuffed Obi-won’s hands behind his back.
“There’s one thing I must know before I go, Rupert,” Obi-won called as the troopers started to pull him towards the cells.
“What’s that, old man?” Giles signalled the troopers holding Obi-won to stop.
“Did you actually pass your Geography ‘O’ level?” The Jedi Geography Teacher asked.
“Yes,” Giles smiled, “yes I did actually,” Giles remembered the day his exam results arrived in the post, “good grade too.”
“Oh, well done my boy,” Obi-won smiled, “my work here is done,” he glanced at the two troopers who held him by the arms, “Lead on MacDuff,” he misquoted as he was led away.
“That was surprisingly easy,” Giles told himself, “Now I better go and see how Buffy’s doing.”0=0=0=0