“Where’s Obi-won?” demanded Luke as he crossed the loading bay towards the Millennium Falcon.
Behind him came Han, Leia and Chewie; after their unexpected and timely escape from the ‘cabbage contractor’ they’d had a particularly uneventful journey back through the Peace Star to the loading bay. On arrival they’d found it completely deserted by any Peace Star crew or stormtroopers.
“He says,” Buffy-Bot appeared from behind a pile of crates, “that he’s totally found the controls for the tractor beam thing and we’re to, like, escape without him.”
“Leave without him!?” Luke gasped, he came to a sudden halt and looked as if he was about to turn around and go looking for the old man.
“Sounds good to me,” Han called as he slapped an access button on the hull of the Falcon and waited for the cargo hatch to open, “as long as that tractor beam is out of commission otherwise this is going to be a very short trip.”
“Aaagh,” agreed Chewie.
“Come on Luke,” Leia called, “we’ve got to get away. I’m much too important to let the Empire capture me again!”
“But…” Luke looked from one so-called hero to another; just at that moment he was doing some very rapid ‘growing up’, “…but we can’t just leave him here!”
“Why not?” Solo called over his shoulder as he disappeared into the ship through the now open hatch, “Who needs the spooky old guy anyway?”
“But…!” Luke tried to protest again but this time it was Leia that interrupted him and started to pull him towards the hatch.
“It’s alright Luke,” Leia’s grip on Luke’s jacket was like iron, she was a lot stronger than she looked, “Obi-won has served his purpose, now he can die a martyr of the rebellion…” Leia paused for a moment as she thought of something, “I know!” she smiled, “We’ll award him a medal or name a holiday after him or something…how does ‘Obi-won Kenobi Day’ sound?”
“But…” Luke still tried to protest but was stopped by Buffy-Bot.
“Captain Hung-so-low and Princess Leotard Orgasms are right, Master Luke,” Buffy-Bot helped Leia push Luke the last few feet into the starship, “Oh-big-one was old and not very good at sex,” Buffy-Bot smiled, “I expect he’ll be glad to die, I mean he’s nothing much left to live for.”
“You can’t say that,” Luke tried to resist as the Princess and the sex-bot bundled him into the ship, “he was a kind old man he…”
“Whatever,” Leia rolled her eyes at Buffy-Bot before turning on Luke, “Look, if you think I’m going to let myself be caught by the Empire again just so you can go rescue some weird old man, you’ve got another thing coming!” Leia sighed heavily as she watched Buffy-Bot close the hatch, “Do you know what those Imperial bastards did to me while I was in that cell?”
“No,” Luke shook his head slowly, “I can’t…”
“NOTHING!” Leia shrieked, “I was in there for days and not once did anyone beat or torture me, not once did one of the interrogators try to force himself on me, NO!” Leia struggled to control her temper, “No,” her voice had now gone quiet and menacing, “instead of proper torture they gave me cups of tea and cup-cakes with icing and those little coloured ball things on top of them, IT WAS TERRIBLE! How’s a girl supposed to get a reputation as a hero when the people who are supposed to be the ‘bad guys’ are nice
to her? Hmmm?”
“I-I don’t know,” Luke muttered quietly as he backed himself up against the bulkhead and away from the Princess.
“What am I supposed to tell people, eh?” Leia now had Luke forced up against the wall of the corridor, “They didn’t torture me but they did give me cream cakes and forced me to put on WEIGHT!”
“Sorry…” Luke said in a very small voice.
“Hey people!” Solo called from further inside the ship, “We’re gonna blast off in a minute, so, unless you want to break your necks you better strap yourselves in.”
Without another word, Princess Leia stormed off down the corridor towards the flightdeck followed by a very confused Luke Skywalker. Things were just not working out as he had imagined them. Before he’d left home he’d imagined that all the members of the rebellion were heroes who’d gladly sacrifice themselves in the cause of freedom. But now he’d actually met some of them he’d found that they were either mercenaries who were only in it for the money or self serving, spoilt princesses who complained when the empire didn’t
Watching Luke walk slowly along the passageway, Buffy-Bot allowed herself a small, but genuine smile. Even to her, who wasn’t the greatest at picking up on people’s emotions, it seemed that Luke was becoming disillusioned with the rebellion and its followers. Of course this wouldn’t help him when the time came, if he came into her sights she’d kill him as coldly as she’d kill Leia and Solo and that big flee bitten rug, Chew-beaver.
Having had the new plan transmitted to her; Buffy-Bot knew exactly what she had to do. Her orders were to let the rebels take her to their base. Once there she was to power down so she could put all her energy into her sub-space transmitter and pass the location to Lord Giles and Colonel Buffy on the Peace Star. Then once the R2 unit had self-destructed when the rebels tried to get the Peace Star plans out of it she was to wait until the Peace Star appeared in system. When that happened she was to get all Terminator-y on their asses (or other beasts of burden) and kill as many of them as she could.
Walking towards the living area where she could strap herself in, Buffy-Bot glanced around at the R2 unit.
“And one bleep or whistle out of you, Dusty-Bin,” Buffy-Bot snarled menacingly, “and I’ll rip out your circuits with my bare hands!”
“Blip!” the R2 unit seemed to tremble as it meekly followed behind Buffy-Bot.0=0=0=0
“There they go,” Giles pointed as the Millennium Falcon flew out from the side of the Peace Star and headed for deep space.
“This better work, Giles,” Buffy said still smarting from having to let the terrorists go after they’d murdered her troopers.
“Don’t worry,” Giles turned slightly to look down at the diminutive slayer at his side, “once we’ve found the location of the rebel stronghold and destroyed it the rebellion will be over and we can complete our task here…”
“And go home?” Buffy asked hopefully.
“Perhaps,” Giles knew, deep down, that there was little chance of either of them getting home, maybe one day Buffy could accept that. “In the meantime we better make this look real.” Giles turned to one of his aides, “Launch the Special Fighter Section’.”
The aide nodded and walked silently away to pass on Giles’ orders.
“What are you doing, Giles?” Buffy looked up at Rupert.
“Well,” Giles sighed, “if we don’t make this look good they’ll never believe that we didn’t let them escape…”
“So you’re sending good men after those murders in the full knowledge that they’ll probably get killed!”
“No, Buffy I’m not,” Giles replied slightly hurt that Buffy believed him capable of such a dastardly act, “I’m sending four pilotless drones after them. The drones will be destroyed and the rebels will think they’ve escaped.”
“Oh,” Buffy hung her head in shame for a moment, “I’m sorry I doubted you.”
“We’ll speak no more about it,” Giles replied as he watched the four drones speed off after the Millennium Falcon.0=0=0=0
“Come on Buddy we’re in deep shit!” Solo called as he headed for one of the Falcon’s gun turrets.
“W-what’s wrong?” Luke demanded as he unstrapped himself and headed off after the smuggler.
“We’ve picked up a tail,” Solo announced as he pointed Luke at one of the gun positions, “they’ve sent fighters after us!”
“Damn!” Quickly Luke climbed down the short access tube and strapped himself into the operator’s chair of the gun position.
Rapidly he familiarised himself with the controls and was shocked to find that there were no automatic or computer controlled systems. He’d have to work the guns manually and hope to hit their attackers using blind luck. At the speeds the Imperial fighters would be travelling at it would be a million to one chance that he’d hit anything.
“Here they come!” Leia called down from the flightdeck where she was now sitting with Chewie.
As a warning of impending attack ‘here they come’ wasn’t that helpful as it didn’t give either gunner any idea from which vector the fighters were approaching. The ship juddered as laser beams were deflected by her deflectors. Down in his gun turret Luke swung the weapon around in the vain hope of picking up one of his attackers on his primitive electronic gun sight.
By some miracle an enemy fighter appeared in his sights, not believing his luck Luke pressed down on the firing studs and watched as the fighter exploded in front of his eyes.
“I GOT ONE!” Like cried out for all to hear.
“Don’t get cocky kid!” Solo called back.
“He can get as ‘cocky’ as he wants,” Buffy-bot called from deeper in the ship.
The ship shook as a particularly powerful blast of laser fire hit it.
“We’ve lost lateral control!” Leia shouted down to Solo.
“Don’t worry,” Solo called back, all the while wondering what the ‘lateral controls’ were, “she’ll hold together!”
“They’re coming in too fast!” Luke complained just as an Imperial fighter appeared right in front of him; again he fired and watched as the little craft exploded right before his eyes, “Oh!” Luke frowned, “That was easy.”
“There that’s the last one,” Solo announced from his gun position, “Chewie, engage the hyper-drive!”
“Agh!” Chewie agreed.
“Why didn’t you do that earlier?” Leia demanded.
“Hey!” Solo climbed out of his gun position, “That woulda been too easy!”
“Like our escape, you mean?” Leia pointed out as the three humans met in the living area.
“Bleep, blip, whistle!” R2 pointed out.
“Watch what you say ‘tin-can’,” Buffy-Bot whispered warningly, “I can easily get my pliers.”
“Bleeeep!” the R2 unit squealed as it shut itself down.”0=0=0=0
“Are they away?” Giles asked one of his aides.
“They’ve just made the jump into hyperspace, Sir,” the aide replied.
“And the homing signal from Buffy-Bot?” Giles turned to look at the young officer.
“Coming in loud and clear,” he officer smiled.
“Good,” Giles nodded his head slowly, “have the entire station put on alert, I expect we’ll be going into action almost as soon as we arrive at out destination.”
“Yes Sir!” the aide snapped to attention before turning to do Giles’ bidding.
“Soon,” Giles told the station quietly, “soon we’ll have them my precious!”0=0=0=0
“Hey!” complained Solo at the Princesses suggestion that the Empire might have let them escape, “I though that was a pretty good piece of rescuing, sometimes I amaze myself.”
“That doesn’t sound too hard,” Leia replied nastily, “they let us go, moron! It’s the only explanation for the ease of our escape.”
“EASY!” Solo yelled, “You call that easy? And watch who ya calling ‘moron’, bitch!”
“They’re tracking us, dickwad!” Leia sneered.
“Not this ship, whore!” Solo snapped back.
“Whatever,” Leia ignored Solo as she gazed out of the flightdeck canopy as the stars flashed by, “at least the information in the R2 unit’s still intact.”
“What’s so important about that freakin’ pile of junk?” Solo wanted to know.
“The technical readouts of that battle station,” Leia glared at Solo, “do you know nothing? Were you born stupid or do you have to practice?”
“Hey!” Solo balled his fists, “If you don’t like it here you can always get out an’ walk!”
“Don’t think I wouldn’t if there was an alternative!” Leia screeched back.
“Yeah!” Solo calmed down a little, much as he wanted to hit this stuck up bitch he wouldn’t, at least not until after he’d been paid, “Like that’s just what you’d do just to get outta paying me what I’m due.”
“Oh don’t worry,” Leia smirked as she started to devise ways of swindling the smuggler, “you’ll get everything that’s coming to you!”
“Hey look!” Luke piped up after sitting quietly in the corner listening to Solo and Leia argue, “Why don’t you two just shut up and get us to wherever we’re going,” Luke sounded pretty despondent by now having had the last of his illusions shattered, “this isn’t how its meant to be,” he sighed. “We’re supposed to be the good guys fighting for peace…”
“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity, kid,” Solo pointed out quietly.
“…and bringing down the Empire,” Luke held his head in his hands, “But instead we’re fighting amongst ourselves and…”
“Whatever,” Leia snapped, “why don’t you go play with your sex-bot?”
“I can’t,” Luke looked over to where Buffy-Bot sat with her eyes closed, “she seems to have powered down or something…I expect she got bored hearing you argue all the time.”
Moments later alarms started to ping and there was a call from Chewie up on the flightdeck.
“AAAGH!” He informed everyone as they dropped out of hyperspace and started to navigate through the outer moons of a gas giant.
Ahead of them shone Yavin IV like a big blue thing sitting like a jewel in an even bigger black thing where the rebels had their stronghold. After broadcasting there final position, Buffy-Bot’s eyes flew open as her systems came back on line. The Peace Star was less than half a day behind them; the sooner it arrived the sooner she could complete her part of the grand plan and the rebellion would be crushed once and for all!0=0=0=0