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Arsenic and Old Mace

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Summary: Andrew is in Brooklyn and is sure that he's found two sweet, little, old... demons? -- "To Boldly Go... To The Movies" Challenge response.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Movies > Other-ComedyOxnateFR1511,1390287424 Sep 1224 Sep 12Yes
Arsenic and Old Mace

by Oxnate

Do not own Arsenic and Old Lace or Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Andrew was on a stakeout. Alone. No one believed him that the sweet old ladies known as the Brewster sisters were actually demons. Especially after a demon seeking spell hadn't turned up a demon withing 10 miles of their place. But Andrew knew the truth. The truth that lurked in the hearts of men. Or in this case, little old ladies who reminded him a lot of his nice grandmother (not the mean one), but he was sure they were killers. And he was pretty sure they were eating their victims too as people went into the house but no remains ever came out.

It had all started when he had tracked a demon disguised as an old man to the house. He and Rona had waited and waited for the guy to come out but he never came. Rona said that he must have snuck off when they weren't looking. But Andrew had insisted on setting up surveillance while they were here. But the first night, instead of seeing the demon leave, the cameras saw another man enter and never leave.

But the Scoobies had bigger things to think about than a couple little old ladies who weren't even demons.

So now he was on stakeout. By himself. Armed only with a can of blessed Mace – the only weapon the gang would allow him to carry. (And if he sprayed anyone in the gang again, that was going to be taken away too) Every so often he could hear a man yell “Charge” and what sounded like a small army charging. And occasionally, he would hear a bugle sound.

The stakeout continued. The little old ladies came and went and guests came and went unmolested and Andrew started to doubt himself. Perhaps he'd been hit by a time dilation device like they'd used on Buffy back when he was evil. But he hadn't noticed any of the telltale signs of that device so he was pretty sure that wasn't it. That day, the ladies had five guests, but only four of them left by his count. One more night, he resolved. Then he was giving up.

That night two men, one large and one small, who seriously looked up to no good; got out of a car and knocked for a while but no one answered. Then they let themselves in.

Andrew called it into Slayer HQ. But again his fears were brushed aside. There was no backup available in Brooklyn at the time. He didn't tell them his plan to sneak in that night and find out what was really going on. They'd just tell him no.

But that plan went out the window when he saw the big man pull a one-legged body out of his trunk and feed it through the side window. Just as he was finishing that, a very pretty lady also knocked on the front door before letting herself in. The big man moved around the house to come in behind her.

Andrew jumped out of his van and raced to the house without another thought. He burst into the room where the two men and the women were having a confrontation.

“I came here to see my husband, Mortimer.” she said.

“Why did you say your name was Harper?” he said.

“Well it is Harper. I- I- I mean it's Brewster-” she replied.

She was cut off as Andrew burst into the room. “Get away from her, whoever you are.” He ordered as he shoved aside the smaller man.

“Who the hell are you?” the large man asked.

“You first.” Andrew demanded.

“I live here. You're breaking into my home.” the man countered as he looked around the room for something.

“You don't live here.” The woman insisted. “I'm in this house every day and I've never seen you before.”

Once the big man was far enough away from the woman, Andrew moved, putting himself between the two. “Run.” he told her. “Call the cops. They're murderers. I saw them moving a body in here just a few minutes ago.” He w-i-s-h'ed he'd thought to do that before charging in.

The big man stopped his search and attacked Andrew. Which, in his mind pretty much confirmed guilt. Unfortunately, the woman just screamed instead of doing the sensible thing and running out the open door. Andrew pulled out his can of mace and let the man have it in both eyes. That stopped the charge and Andrew did a charge of his own. A left to the stomach and a right to the big man's jaw.

“Ow, ow, ow!” Andrew cried in pain, shaking the hand that had a hit a jaw he was sure was made of iron.

The man no longer seemed bothered by the mace. Perhaps it was old or past its expiration date. Whatever the reason, the man wiped the spicy liquid from his eyes and glared at Andrew. He sent a haymaker at Andrew, which Andrew easily ducked. Dodging Slayer punches had trained his reflexes to a new heights. Battle awareness was still lacking though. So when the smaller man broke a chair over his back, he stumbled into the next punch, and got knocked backwards several steps.

Andrew wiped the blood from his mouth. “That's it? I know girls who hit harder than that. Teenage girls.” he rolled his shoulders. “Frankly, I thought you were going to be tough. But you're not so... tough.” It was true too. A couple years of being punched regularly by Slayers had toughened him up, somewhat. If only he could find a way to hurt the guy that didn't feel like it broke every bone in his hand, he'd be set.

Just then, two police officers arrived and put a stop to the fight. Andrew told him that he'd seen them moving a body through the window and had seen the large man, Johnathan, (not his Jonathan) follow the woman into the house. After a little searching, the cops found the one-legged body hiding in a chest under a window.

Johnathan and Dr. Einstein were quickly arrested for murder. Andrew thought about sharing his theory that the two women were people-eating demons, but after finally meeting the women in question face to face, he had to say that he couldn't believe that he'd thought they'd actually eaten people.

He walked back to his van. He noticed there was a taxi sitting in front of the house running its meter, which was odd. But he decided not to investigate. He'd found his murderers, they weren't who he thought, but he could at least report mission successful on this one. Then he started the long drive back to Cleveland.

The End

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