A Buffy: The Vampire Slayer Mega crossover
Disclaimer: I don’t own Buffy: The Vampire Slayer. Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy do. I also don’t own Mirai Nikki. To Love Ru, Ranma ½, Inuyasha, Spiderman, School Rumble, Kämpfer, Naruto, Sekirei, Love Hina, Magister Negi Magi, X-Men and High School of the Dead. That should crossovers mentioned in here.
Author’s Notes: 31 YAHF ficlets, with different characters having different costumes. Will range from slightly uncommon to total outlandish.
Chapter 7: October 7th “Hapless Harem Hero”
The costume shops in Sunnydale were overrun this Halloween. The Mayor had declared a town-wide Halloween Festival and encouraged anyone to wear a costume. Costume shops were encouraged to sell the costumes at discount prices as the Mayor had promised them that he would personally pay the missing money.
This lead to several shops having to sell everything they had in stock, even pre-ordered costumes and left those who hadn’t been quick enough without a costume.
Ethan Rayne was positively giddy. Most shops were already out of costumes, but he still had a large reserve. When a large group of High School Students entered, he saw a chance. 1 guy and roughly 15 females. This was better than he could ever hope. He could get out his special stuff. The poor guy, he almost pitied him. But, alas, a Harem Hero had to suffer at the hands of a Tsundere. He wondered if the guy would survive more several of them. Oh well, these Harem Heroes had contractual immortality anyway. He wondered what would happen once the guy ran across the set he had sold to the cheerleaders earlier.
Later that night the spell hit and Monsters, Demons, Eldritch Horrors and Yuno Gasai came to life. Spike found out the hard way that allowing Dru to wear a costume had been an incredibly bad idea. Dru alone? Scary, but manageable. Yuno Gasai on the other hand? He’d better run for his unlife and hope that he either ran into someone disguised as her love interest or that he could at least outrun her. Her haunting cry of “Xander-kun!” scared the living hell out of him.
Xander was meanwhile looking around. Things had gone to hell really quickly. “Wonder why I didn’t change? Maybe the costume’s too generic or things. Better find the others.” he said and left.
Minutes later he came across Buffy and Willow. Both were different. Buffy seemed to enjoy herself and Willow looked ready to explode. Now that was strange, Willow wasn’t volatile, no sir, thank you. But, there she stood and new instincts told him that anything he could or would do would set off an epic explosion. “Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.” he grumbled and went to the two girls.
5 minutes and a painful beating from Willow and a death threat from Buffy later, he had found out what was wrong. They weren’t themselves at the moment. Willow had become Soryu Asuka Langley, if he remembered his video nights with Jesse correctly, she was about as volatile as Nitroglycerine.
Buffy had introduced herself as Golden Darkness and had graciously allowed him to call her Yami. If he touched her, however… Her hair had formed an impressive array of slice & dice instruments, including, but not limited to a hatchet, a katana, spikes, cleavers and several other instruments of gratuitous bodily harm.
On the way to Buffy’s house they had collected Cordelia and most of the Cordettes that had accompanied them to Ethan’s Costume shop.
After a headcount, and talking to every person in the group, Xander arrived at a terrible conclusion. He was male and alone with a truly impressive array of very volatile Tsunderes. ‘I’m doomed! I must run away!’ ran through his mind. The only good thing to come out of the evening so far had been that Evangeline A. K. McDowell didn’t like other Vampires. Alas, poor Angel. He’d shed some crocodile tears for him later. He wondered what had possessed Harmony of all people to disguise as a Vampire.
Other Cordettes had become other Tsunderes. Sawachika Eri, Mishima Akane, Sakura Haruno, Shampoo, Naru Narusegawa, Motoko Aoyama, Tsukiumi, Emma Frost, Gwen Stacy and Saya Takagi.
Xander had no idea who over half of the people were. At all. Hell, the only thing they had in common was a really volatile temper and the fact that he somehow had become the lightning rod for their temper. ‘Gotta get away from them. But if I leave them alone? I shudder to think of the consequences. Better take them with me. And then unleash them on someone who deserves it. Like my parents.’ he thought.
“Ladies. We need to relocate. Fighters, please form a circle around us, non-fighters please form a group in the middle. This is Sunnydale. And with the madness going on out there I don’t want anyone to die. And we better get out of here before Mrs. Summers returns.
20 minutes later they were at Xander’s house and the Tsundere invasion started. Xander suspected to hear the outraged cries of either his father or mother, but there was only silence. He went in after his invasion force and merely found a letter with enough money to last him some years and a postcard from his parents, saying they would be away for the foreseeable future, likely the next 50 years.
Xander felt strange. On the one hand, he had a house for himself. On the other hand he couldn’t have his entourage beat up his parents. He decided to make the best of it and went to the bathroom, telling the girls to make themselves at home in the living room.
He was relaxing in the tub when a strange, glowing portal opened above him and threw 3 naked pinkettes with spaded tails on him. Cordelia, Anya and Aura. Damn it. Was he a Cordette Magnet tonight? The ultimate shock came, when the 3 declared that he was now obliged to marry them. Goddamn strange alien customs!
30 minutes later he was clothed, dry and sat in the living room which had, over the course of his bath, acquired a nice load of additional females. He felt like there was the whole cheerleading brigade of Sunnydale High here.
Cordelia, Aura and Anya were working on a strange Computer. He had supplied them with the info about the names of their counterparts, the people who had worn the costumes which had ended up creating them. What harm could they probably do? They were most likely playing a game or some such thing.
10 minutes later a happy “We’re done!” came from Cordelia aka Lala Satalin Deviluke.
Xander went over to them. “What is done?” he wanted to know.
Lala smiled happily. “Well, you’re now legally married to every girl currently in the house.” she explained.
Xander became pale. “Please tell me that you’re kidding!” he begged.
Lala smiled happily. “No, Xander-kun. You’re now married to all the girls here. Little Momo thought you’d appreciate a Harem.” she explained.
Xander glared at the girls balefully. Then he realized something. It was quiet. Too quiet. He slowly turned around.
Knuckles began cracking, weapons were drawn and Xander knew instinctively that he would be on the receiving end of them all. He tried to reason with them. “It’s their fault! I asked for nothing and they decided over my head! I’m too young to get married anyway!” he cried.
Down the road, Drusilla saw something on her handy. “Xander-kun is in danger. He was married against his will.” she read. Her slowly darkening frown sent some nearby demons screaming for their mommies. “I’ll save you, Xander-kun!” she exclaimed and grabbed her bloody axe. No one would stay between her and her happiness with Xander. Then she ran towards Xander’s house. The diary promised her a happy end with Xander tonight. She would kill anyone who stood in the way of her happy end.
Meanwhile, Spike had fled to the Sunnydale High School. There was only one person in town that might have an idea about what was going on. Unfortunately this person had a shoot on sight policy regarding Vampires.
He slowly crept into the library. “Oi, watcher, whot yer doin?” he called loudly.
Giles had been sorting papers and had no weapon at hand. “Spike.” he said with forced civility.
Spike nodded. “Aye. I need yer help, mate. Been a bloody lousy night and some bloody wanker turned my Dru into an axe crazy maniac. Some fella called Ethan or such. She wasn’t too big on the details.”
Giles was rather nonplussed. “And you seek my help, why?” he wanted to know.
Spike sighed. “It’s hell out there, I have no idea where to search that fella, Dru runs around scaring demons and searching fer a Zander, Xander, whatever and yer the closest I know who could help. Trust me, I don’t like that either. But I want my Dru back and I want this madness out there to stop.” he explained. “Halloween should be our quiet night. Now? Someone had to go and power a chaos spell near a Hellmouth. Even I know that this is a bad idea.” he added.
Giles sighed deeply. “I fear I know that fella. I’m gonna have words with him. You’ll come with me, guess we’ll need to teach my old friend Ethan a lesson.” he said, channeling the Ripper.
Spike was actually impressed. “Ya know, I could start ta like ya.” he replied. “Tonight we’re allies and I swear that I won’t harm anyone other than Ethan tonight.” he promised.
Giles went to his office and took out 2 double axes and 2 crossbows. “Let’s go, William.” he said.
Ethan heard his door bell ring and turned around, right into the incoming fist of Spike. “Talk to the fist!” Spike said and glared at the Chaos Mage. “Yer the fella who did that spell? Better undo it. I promised Giles to hurt no one today, but I can hold you while he cuts you to pieces.” he threatened.
Ethan looked to Rupert who smiled grimly. “Actually, Spike is allowed to hurt you, old friend.” he said as a greeting, fully channeling the Ripper now.
Ethan knew a lost battle when he saw one. “There’s a statue in the backroom. Break it and the spell should end.” he said quickly.
Spike motioned for Giles to wait. “Any side-effects?” he wanted to know.
Ethan shrugged. “Maybe some memories. Maybe some powers, maybe some powers got awakened. Gender shifts. Some people retained a strange hair color some years back.” he told them.
Giles went to destroy the statue while Spike rounded on Ethan. “Listen, mate. If my Dru has changed in any way, I’ll be back and I’ll hurt you! Understood?” he threatened.
Ethan nodded. He would have to get away from the colonies first thing in the morning. Tahiti sounded nice for a vacation. He was sure that there would be changes, hell, he had designed the spell with small changes in mind. He had no idea nor did he want to find out what his spell did to a Vampire.
Giles had smashed the statue and returned to Spike and Ethan. “The spell ended. Everything should be back to normal. And Ethan, if there were any critical changes, pray that Spike finds you before me.” he told the Chaos Mage. “Let’s go, Spike. Hopefully we can find your Drusilla and the others quickly.” he said and left the shop.
30 minutes earlier at Xander’s house. Yuno had kicked down the door and strolled in. “You threaten my Xander?” she had asked the assembled girls. Needless to say a large round of insults and denials was thrown around.
Xander stepped up. “Everybody, silence!” he demanded.
When the commotion died down, Xander spoke again. “These three” he said and pointed at Lala, Momo and Nana Deviluke “have managed to marry me to every girl in this room. Well other than you, you were late for the party.” he explained.
“Unfortunately, a big part of these girls really doesn’t like the idea of being married to me.” he continued. “Then you kicked down the door and here we are.” he further explained.
Yuno looked at the other 3 pinkettes. “You can marry me to Xander?” she wanted to know and went over to the 3 Aliens.
Xander’s world screeched to a halt. It was like watching 2 trains speeding towards each other on one rail. You knew where this would end, but you couldn’t help but watch.
Lala nodded. “You want to marry him, too?” she wanted to know.
Yuno nodded. “My diary told me that I will get my happy end with Xander tonight.” she said.
Lala smiled. “Okay, who were you before the spell took hold?” she wanted to know.
Yuno, for all intents and purposes a goddess, focused her power inwards. And there she found the other spirit within her, the mad vampire Drusilla.
Telling the girls her real name and what other info she had gleaned from the Vampire, she went back to Xander and grabbed him. “Now come with me, Darling!” she demanded.
Xander felt the need to be somewhere else, quickly. This whole situation went down the drain too quickly. Vampires, spells, demons, possessions, he really needed a break.
A loud and happy “We’re done. You’re officially married to Xander!” brought said boy out of his reverie. He really hoped that this would be over quickly.
It was then that Ethan’s spell ended. Xander and the girls simply keeled over and passed out, especially thanks to the after-effects the spell had. New powers were imprinted, new knowledge created and reality itself was rewritten to allow some things.
This was the scene that Rupert Giles and Spike found. Unconscious teenagers and Drusilla clinging to Xander.
Spike gently pried her loose and nodded to Giles. “I keep my promises, watcher. Tomorrow we’re back to being enemies.” he promised and left with Dru.
Giles looked at the teens. “I wonder what they will remember.” Then he went to the computer and looked at the open file. “Marriage certificate?” he wondered aloud. “Xander Harris and Drusilla Harris?! How many Co-wives? Boy, you’re in for a very rude awakening.” he said and dragged Xander to his room. The boy would need all the rest he could get. Tomorrow would become interesting.
Poor Xander, he’s married to a boatload of females with a hair trigger temper. No, you really can’t envy him. If I ever expand on this universe, be prepared for a massive “I must run away!” from Xander. In his shoes most sane people would seek to get lost somewhere less dangerous. Hell, Australia, the jungle, Los Angeles, New York or Siberia to name some places. Current Harem count: 30something girls.
Spike sulked in his new hideout. Drusilla had left the old, claiming that she was a married woman now and that she wanted to cash in her rights as the main wife. He wondered if she had met her end at the hands of one of the other equally violent wives of the whelp. The simple fact remained that his Dru was lost for him. Damn this Chaos Mage. Said mage had vanished from the face of the earth, too.
Suddenly someone entered his lair and slammed the door shut behind him. He looked up and saw Xander Harris, unwitting source of his troubles.
“What do you want?” he asked the boy.
Xander looked at Spike with so much relief in his eyes that Spike couldn’t believe it. “Hide me. Hell, turn me into a Vampire. Anything! But hide me from my wives!” he demanded.
Spike almost fell from the couch he was sitting on. “Are you nuts?” he wanted to know.
Xander laughed a hollow and mirthless laugh. “I wish I were! They’re driving me crazy. It’s been one week and the insanity spills. Over the half of them gets violent if I’m near any of the others, some are clingy, most are bossy, some use being married to me as an excuse to try and get me into their beds to start an extended family right now and that’s before I’m out of bed!” he said desperately.
Spike felt sorry for his newest guest. “Take a beer, mate. It’s the good, European stuff. Not your American water. No one knows that I’m here so they shouldn’t know you’re here, either. Wait, wasn’t there a telepath with your wives?” he wanted to know.
Xander opened the fridge and took out a sixpack of beers. He didn’t have a beer before, but with him being married, getting drunk sounded like a good idea right now. He took one of the bottles. Pilsner, he had never heard of this sort of beer, then again, his experience with beer was non-existent. He opened two bottles and gave one to Spike.
“Mercedes Harris? Blond, killer figure, less morals than a demon? No offense to you, mate.” Xander asked. “She can only sense people in a rather small radius right now. The Hellmouth skewers her telepathy thoroughly. Drusilla could find me, if she had her handy. But I have swiped it and taken it with me. It’s off so they can’t track it this way. No, I should be safe here.” he told Spike.
Spike laughed, took a swig and looked at Xander. “What happened to Angel, anyway? Haven’t seen him around in a while.” he wanted to know.
Xander grinned. “Well, Harmony, newly minted Dark Evangel, Maga Nosferatu, Advent of Evil, Doll Master and so forth and so forth, dressed as a childlike Vampire. A Vampire with a really serious grudge against Vampires. Evangeline killed him with some heavy duty Ice Magic. Seems like the spell unsealed her. And gave her an adult form, much to her delight and my suffering.” he told Spike.
“Angel’s dead? Damn. Then again, I don’t think Dru needs a cure now.” he said, opening a second bottle for Xander and him.
Xander laughed. “Dru? Not needing a cure? Are you nuts? She needs a cure for her extremely possessive nature. You know, I read about the character she was disguised as on Halloween. Guess what, this girl manages to outshine an Eldritch Horror God in the scary department. Mentally at least as unstable as Drusilla and, even worse, it seems she has retained her godly powers.” he told Spike.
Spike looked at Xander. “Damn, that sucks.” he said slowly.
Xander nodded and chugged down the rest of the second bottle. “It gets worse. Buffy? She went as someone called Golden Darkness. Same show as about a third of my wives. She uses her hair to form weapons and slay Vampires. She’s a living blender now! And she drags some of my other wives off to slaying. Especially Harmony, who really loves to skewer vamps with dozens of ice spears.” he went on.
Spike swallowed hard and he chugged down the rest of his beer. Xander wordlessly gave him the third beer. Both men emptied their bottles in one go.
“Even worse? They all decided to move into my house. And because it was too small for them all, they decided to buy the neighboring houses and some heavy duty working overnight later I have a mansion. I don’t want to know how they recreated an Evangelion, nor why there is a cave big enough for it beneath my house. Oh, and most of them seem to be on permanent PMS. One of my wives went as Gwen Stacy for Halloween. Turns out she can turn into the Carnage symbiont. It’s fully her, no contamination from the symbiont, but still. It’s creepy as hell.” Xander continued.
Spike went to a mini bar and brought out some Scotch and Gin. This was no matter to discuss over a beer. They needed bigger guns here.
They started with a bottle of Gin, each. Xander grabbed it like a drowning man grabs a floating piece of wood. “Don’t get me started on the parents. They were everywhere between outrage and ‘When can we expect grandchildren?’.” Xander told Spike, who nodded in understanding. He was really glad that he didn’t belong into this mess.
30 minutes later both men were approaching alcohol poisoning and had long left coherent thinking or sentences behind.
“Y’know. For a vampire you’re” Xander began and took a swig from the Gin bottle. “You’re. You know.” he said and stumbled around the words.
Spike nodded. “Life sucks. I know your feeling, mate. It’s a!” he gave back, losing track mid-sentence.
“The thing is that I don’t know what the thing is.” Xander finally got out before he passed out on the couch.
Spike nodded drunkenly. “Wise words, mate, wise words!” he agreed and passed out, too.
3 hours later a brigade of angry females kicked down the doors to Spike’s new lair.
The sight was truly astounding. 8 empty schnapps bottles and an empty sixpack of beer. Spike had fallen on top of Xander in his sleep and now slept off his intoxication on Xander’s chest.
Drusilla took some photos and then they went to wake the wayward husband and the Vampire. Drusilla had asked the others to not to kill Spike as her diary had told her that Xander needed some time to cool down and male bonding. Spike had provided both and Drusilla still felt for her childe. But, if Spike was her childe, he belonged to the family. And Xander was now Spike’s stepfather.
“Wait!” she told the others. “It’s night. Let’s bring father and son home. They can sleep at home. Poor Xander was almost breaking down. Having a son should help him considerably.” she told her co-wives.
Buffy and Cordelia picked up Xander and Drusilla picked up Spike. It was nice to have such a big family. Maybe she should tell Xander that he would be a real daddy in some months. And Spike would have a brother or sister. The now pink-haired vampire giggled to herself.
Xander is now Spike’s stepfather. It will make for some awesome and strange conversations. I mean, try to tell your stepchild something when said stepchild is older than you are.
The conversations as to why several parents from Sunnydale suddenly found their daughters moving out and married to the same guy should also make for interesting stories. Hell, compared to the marriage and magic weirdness that happened to them, Vampires being real shouldn’t rank high on the weirdness scale. Maybe I do the parent conversations at a later date. That might be some fine crack.
Anyway, watch out for the next costumes.