Disclaimer: I own nothing. All Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters and Dogma characters belong to their original owners.
Further Note: There might be the possibility of some readers considering this little bit o’ crack to be, shall we say, a trifle blasphemous. Well, duh. I just got the idea about an entirely different and equally logical ending for Kevin Smith’s riff on religion. You got complaints, take it up with this film-maker for coming up with the movie in the first place. This story is rated FR18, just in case, so don't whine to me about it.
*Great, all the damn demons we stopped every time earlier, and the world’s still comin’ to a end, just ’cuz a real, honest-to-Him, angel got fuckin’ pissed over bein’ sent to Wisconsin for eternity. Dude’s got a point though; only time I ever been to the place, it was helluva borin’. Never mind that, get hold a’ yerself and wake up!*
Staggering to her feet outside a large Catholic church, Faith blearily glanced around at where her Slayer squad was still mostly out for the count on the ground after they’d been blasted unconscious by the mystical might of that winged asshole now heading for the building’s front door. Blinking away the dancing spots before her eyes, the brunette woman saw to the side the mute civvie caught up in today’s disaster, some chubby dude in a trench coat and with a piss-poor excuse for a beard now sitting on the street asphalt and holding his head.
Groping for her knife inside her boot sheath, Faith yanked it free with numb fingers. About to commence a hopeless, last-ditch throw with this weapon at the head of the angel reaching for the church doors, Faith somehow found herself scornfully thinking at least the afterlife where they’d all arrive at in the next two seconds wouldn’t include that fat guy’s friend. This skinny nitwit wasn’t anywhere in sight. Most likely he’d taken off in a futile attempt to save his ass. Well, that idiot wasn’t gonna be any more successful in this than in his earlier idiotic attempts at hitting on Faith and the rest of her girls. Only the unfortunate fact that every Slayer reluctantly sensed the long-haired imbecile was an out-and-out human kept the warrior women from decapitating this Jay fella. Though, serious consideration had been given by all for merely breaking his arms and legs and then stuffing him into the nearest curbside trash bin.
Pulling back her hand holding the knife, Faith despairingly saw the angel throw open the church doors. The jerk with the feathers then paused to flash a triumphant smile over his shoulder at those who’d failed to stop him. Just one step into the church, while then renouncing his angelic nature to change into a human followed by a quick death, would result in the exiled angel known as Bartleby regaining access to Heaven. Of course, doing this would also wipe out everything else in existence, but that part wasn’t his
Still grinning with glee at the woman who’d just realized killing him with her thrown knife would finish off more than just one life, Bartleby became a mortal man, and then he took the fateful step which would forgive all his sins. The ecstatic human now inside the church turned his head back, just in time to see the scrawny fist coming rapidly right at his face.Crunch!
Bone splinters from Bartleby’s shattered nose shot upwards into this man’s brain, killing him almost instantly. His body dropped limply to the church floor.
Seeing this easily-recognized death, Faith just shut her eyes, as if this would actually do anything to help matters if she couldn’t see everything end.
A few more seconds passed, and…nothing happened.
Well, not quite. From the interior of the church, an elated voice bellowed, “YEAH, BABY, WHO’S THE KING? NOT YOU, YOU MUTHERFUCKIN’ DEAD BITCH!”
Faith’s eyes popped open, and she stared in absolute incredulity at where Jay was at the church threshold just back of the opened doors. This man wearing a black tuque and shabby clothes continued to vilely express his triumph with the most disgusting obscenities possible at the top of his lungs, along with giving Bartleby’s corpse a good kick in the ribs at every other loud profanity.
A minute later, everybody else had woken up. The dead body in the church was sent off to their Scottish headquarters by magic for a discreet disposal by the New Council (along with the former angel’s also-deceased companion, another angel named Loki who for his own reasons had become human as well, and then had been killed by his counterpart). So far, the other weirdoes who’d been around, some black guy and two women, hadn’t shown up after going off earlier in some mysterious errand which might’ve made things easier. There wasn’t any apparent sign if they’d succeeded or not, which left Faith and her girls to finish the job by finding out what’d just happened and then taking off.
At the forefront of the crowd now clustered in front of the church doors, Faith confronted a still-smug Jay. Trying not to lose her temper right away at how this putz’s gaze went straight to her braless chest in its ultra-tight T-shirt, the Slayer said in the most polite tone she could manage at the moment, “What the hell did you do? You must’a done somethin’,
’cuz we’re still around, and so’s the world.”
Straightening his lean body, Jay’s emaciated chest swelled with pride, as he explained in his thick New Jersey accent, “Damn right, babe. See, a coupla minutes back when alla youse was getting yer very fine asses handed to youse, I hadda idea. The whole thing started when this church came up with that dumbass plenary indulgence, where anybody comin’ here had their sins wiped out. That fuckin’ cardinal in charge wouldn’t do nothin’ ‘bout it, but that gave me a notion. If I could spoil the indulgence, we’d win, okay?”
Faith and the others Slayers behind her thought about this, to then warily nod their heads in shared agreement. When they waited for Jay to talk again, he shrugged, “Didn’t have no time to tell youse, so I headed for the side door to the church, got inside, and, uh…” An extremely rare expression of guilt momentarily flickered over Jay’s face, before he continued, “…I fuckin’ did my business in the font, and tossed the water right there, where that shitheel angel hadda step.” With those last words, Jay pointed down at the inner threshold of the church floor.
The entire crowd stared in shock at the small puddles of holy water still damply remaining on the tiled entryway. In the very next second, a strong reek of musky urine rising from this desecrated doorsill drifted to the very sensitive noses of Faith and the rest of the Slayers.
For the next few moments, absolute silence seized everyone there, with Jay uneasily shifting under the appalled gazes of the throng of superhuman females and one other person. Finally, Faith sighed, and she stepped forward while reaching for the handles of the still-ajar church doors. Getting a grip on these, the dark Slayer spoke over her shoulder to the group’s second-in-command, “Vi, take the others and head back home. I’ll be along soon, but ’fore then, mouthy here gets a five-minute reward. I don’t care what he did, he still don’t deserve more, ‘less he wants his fingers chopped off. Beat it, ladies!”
At those last words, the church doors slammed shut after Faith disappearing inside the building to join a very confused stoner, whose puzzlement was mirrored on the faces of everyone still outside the building. Beginning to glance at each other in their total mystification, the crowd then froze at a now-familiar voice whooping through the closed doors, “HOLY MOTHER OF JESUS, THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME SEE THOSE TITS! THIS MEANS I’M FORGIVEN, RIGHT? WHO THE FUCK CARES, ANYWAY? HEY, YOU SAID NO TOUCHING, BUT I CAN GET REALLY CLOSE, RIGHT?”
At their fastest Slayer sprint, Vi and the rest of the girls got to the other end of the block where they’d thankfully be out of earshot, even with their heightened senses. Pausing to check on this, Vi let out a whooshing breath of relief, only to gawk at where two of the other Slayers were putting down a man they’d been carrying along with them by his elbows. Silent Bob looked over at where Vi was staring at him, and he simply shrugged, as if no other reaction was expected.
Striding over there, Vi frowned at the deadpan guy, who was a complication she didn’t need. After thinking it over, the Slayer nodded at this mute man, “Uh, thanks for helping, but our business is completed here and we’re going now. We’ve got transportation waiting, and if you like, we can call a cab for you, with us paying the fare for wherever you want to go. However, other people tend to freak out about strange stuff like today, so it wouldn’t ever be a good idea to talk--” Cutting herself off in mid-sentence, Vi instantly blushed so deeply her face was now the color of her scarlet hair.
The faint smile now on Silent Bob’s own features indicated he didn’t really mind this minor bit of bad manners. Seeing it made Vi feel somewhat better, enough to say something which had just occurred to her, “You want us to wait here with you until things back at the church are finished? No problem, though if your friend’s dumb enough to think Faith didn’t really mean what she said, it might be over sooner, with him needing the nearest hospital.”
Silent Bob brought up his hands to chest level, holding horizontally the palms of these, along with giving another expressive shrug to indicate he thought it was a distinct possibility. At this, another of the Slayers now encircling the pair and listening with evident interest broke in, “Say, you’re not jealous of him, or anything? I mean, he’s getting an eyeful and you’re not.”
Vi glowered at the Slayer who’d just rudely spoken, only to be distracted by Silent Bob firmly shaking his head. He then jerked a thumb back towards the church, to hold up a single finger. Putting this down, the quiet man next waved a hand around at the dozen women surrounding him, followed by both hands coming up to flash twelve fingers in quick succession. Silent Bob then beamed at the beautiful women all beginning to chuckle in unison at the compliment they’d each and every one been paid by the mute.
As for herself, a very pleased Vi declared, “You know, you’re kind of cute.”
Grinning, this red-haired Slayer strode forward to stand in front of a startled Silent Bob, and she bent forward to give him a good, hard kiss on his right cheek. Getting out of the way, Vi continued to smirk at the line of other Slayers now waiting for their own turn to give a different kind of reward to a truly happy man.