Bewitched, part V
A/N: Disclaimer, author’s notes, etc., are at the beginning of chapter 1; spoilers are through “Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered”.
It would have to be Principal Snyder. What could make things worse? Larry?
Snyder stomped over and glared up at Xander. “You…” The anger slipped away, to be replaced by confusion. “Young lady…” The confusion gave way to…
Oh my gods and goddesses, was that lust? Xander suddenly had an intense need to spew all over the floor. No, make that all over Snyder.
Snyder gave what was probably supposed to be a winning smile. “Principal Snyder at your service. Principal Romulus Snyder. But you can call me ‘Rom’. For... romance
The urge to hurl was back, only stronger.
On the other hand, growing up with the name Romulus would sure explain why Snyder hated everybody. Romulus Snyder. Were his parents psychos or something? Why didn’t they just name him ‘Punchmeintheface Snyder’ instead? He probably had a middle name like ‘Elmer’ too. Or ‘Elmyra’.
Giles stepped forward. “Principal Snyder, why don’t you return to your lair and leave the young lady here? With me? As she so obviously wishes to be?”
Snyder snapped, “I’m in charge at this school, and I say she wants to be with me!”
Giles stepped forward and growled, “I think it is obvious to anyone with a room temperature IQ – or perhaps in your case, a ‘Rom’ temperature IQ – that she chose to come to the library for a specific purpose. So-”
The library door swung open, and more
people came in. What was up with that? Nobody came into the library of their own free will. It was probably a law.
Loudon was back. “See? There she is, the girl of my dreams, and I knew there was a reason she hadn’t come to find me.”
Loudon was back, and he’d brought help. Other football players. Marcus Howard, one of the starting linebackers, and one mean tackler. And…
And Larry Blaisdell. Crap. Xander wondered if he really had just jinxed himself.
He was sure someone
had jinxed him. He was pretty sure it was like the Halloween spell, because the spell had felt like it, and he was back in a Xena body, just without armor and without weapons and without martial arts training, so he was extra-screwed.
Marcus took one look his way and… shoved Loudon. “What the hell are you on about? She’s mine! We love each other!”
Loudon shoved back. “No! She loves me!”
Snyder snapped, “Look, you morons, she loves me
! And you have detention, right now! March your steroid-padded butts down to my office and wait for me there!”
Giles said, “Perhaps you could accompany your troglodyte pets, because she obviously loves me
, and I love her!”
Larry looked back and forth, and finally muttered, “What the fuck is going on here?” He looked at Xander and asked, “Who are you, and why’s everyone gone psycho?”
Xander frowned, “That’s what I wanna know!”
“Shut up, asshole, she’s mine!”
“You’re both suspended for talking back to me, and she’s MINE!”
Larry looked utterly flummoxed. “What is the frigging deal
? Did everyone just go nuts around here?”
It suddenly dawned on Xander that whatever spell was making every guy who saw him do the insta-love thing, that spell was probably only for guys who fell in love with women
. Larry was gay. Larry might be the only person in the entire building who the spell hadn’t turned into a loony.
Larry, and Scott Hope, who had stopped ogling the cheerleaders after Halloween. Ooh, Larry had gone as a pirate, and there were plenty of rumors about pirates liking to be at sea with nothing but other guys, so Xander had to figure that maybe the Halloween spell had messed with Larry pretty bad too.
On the other hand, Larry might get the same thing all the girls in the locker room got, which was probably some kind of ‘burn the witch’ thing, because even Aura wanted to rip his lungs out, and normally Aura – other than being a Cordette and going along with everything Queen C commanded – wouldn’t hurt a fly.
Okay, so he really needed to find out what was the what with Larry before Larry decided to lead off with a right cross and a left jab.
So he needed to get rid of Herr Fuhrer Snyder and the rest of the football team. He took a deep breath to get up his courage.
That was a major mistake. Every guy in the room except Larry homed in on Xander’s chest. Jeez! It was all Xander could do not to shudder.
He went ahead with his stupid idea. “Oh Rom?”
“Yes, my voluptuous goddess?”
“Could you take those football players over there down to detention before they damage the library or something? I would really appreciate it.”
“For you, anything,” he leered.
Oh god, Principal Snyder was leering at him.
Snyder dragged Loudon and Marcus off, yelling at them while they yelled back.
Larry asked again, “What the hell is going on?”
Xander stared at him. “Pop quiz, Blaisdell. When you look at me, you get intense feelings of... (A) desire; (B) hatred; (C) confusion; (D) none of the above.”
“You are a total freak, honey. I just wanna know what you’re doing, because you don’t go here, or I’d know you already. And Snyder acted like he had the hots for you, which is just… of the creepy.”
Xander said, “Yeah, way more creepitude at this end of things, let me tell you.”
Giles asked, “My dear, why are you persisting in conversation with this cretin?”
Xander looked at Larry but pointed at Giles. “It’s a magic spell someone hit me with. As far as I can figure, every guy wants to jump my bones, and every girl wants to beat me to a pulp. So it’s either bone me or de-bone me. You’re the only person who still has his brain attached.”
Larry snorted, “Magic spell? Get real.”
Xander asked, “Are you really gonna give me grief about magic, when we live in Sunnydale? What do you think all those unexplained deaths around town are? What do you think happened to you at Halloween?”
Larry winced a little. “I thought somebody spiked my coke.” He glanced over at Giles and whispered, “Rum and coke. Definitely spike-able.”
Xander tried, “Do you remember Xena, Warrior Princess, beating the crap out of you?”
Larry blinked. “That really happened? I thought maybe I was hallucinating or something. ‘Cause that wasn’t Harris in my… hallucination.”
“Not a hallucination,” Xander insisted. “How about Egg Baby Week and those guys grabbing you and slapping that thing on your back?”
“No… No way… That was a gas leak!” Larry insisted. He looked almost desperate as he pleaded, “Wasn’t it a gas leak?”
Xander said, “Career Fair. A cop takes five shots at point blank range at Buffy Summers in front of the entire room. What happened?”
Larry said, “Well, Summers is…” He stopped and thought. Buffy had slammed Larry into a locker. Loudon once grabbed Buffy’s butt, and Buffy threw him over her head into a dumpster. Buffy had shown off her strength and speed way too many times around the school. Good old Sunnydale Syndrome was the only thing keeping her secret identity a secret.
Larry slowly said, “Summers is way too strong for… anybody smaller than The Rock. She moves like… Jet Li. Even Kyle and his gang are scared of her. She…” The light went on. “She’s a secret kung fu master!”
Xander slapped his forehead. “No, but that’s better than nothing.” It looked like it was going to take a lot more than a few reminders to break through that thick head. “Look Larry, I’m gonna need you to hang around as a bodyguard. I need help keeping guys from attacking me, and I need help keeping girls from… attacking me, but in a different way.”
“And I’m gonna just play hero for a chick I never met before, because…?”
Xander said, “Because you’re not a bad guy. You saw what those guys were like, and you don’t want a horrific gang rape or a brutal murder on your conscience when you could prevent it just by hanging around.”
Giles insisted, “I could protect you! Our love will be like that of Beatrice and Benedick!”
Xander wasn’t even going to ask who the heck that was supposed to be. Anyway, Willow would know. He pointed at Giles and said, “I need you to research the spell and break it, or I’ll never speak to you again. Got it?”
Giles gave it the big melodrama dealie and practically went down on one knee. “Fair lady, if by my love you-”
“English! What do you think you’re doing?”
Xander looked over and groaned. Jenny Calendar and Willow were looking on in surprise, and it was probably only a matter of seconds before they attacked.
Willow looked at Xander and asked, “Who are you, and what are you doing in our library?”
Miss Calendar said, “You’re not a student. What have you done to Mr. Giles?”
Xander tried to explain, even if he figured it was going to be hopeless. “I got transformed, and every guy who sees me gets this love spell whammy or something. Just like every girl who sees me wants to beat me to a pulp.”
Willow said in a small voice, “I don’t want to beat you to a pulp, and I’m voting no on the pulp-beating.”
Miss Calendar said, “I felt an attack on my classroom wards, so I checked to see if Willow had felt anything.”
Willow nodded, “Yeah, and there was something majorly attack-y on the Samantha Stevens front, if you get my drift.”
Xander rolled his eyes. “Yeah. Larry’s the only guy so far who’s immune, because he’s not interested in girls.” He was so
thrilled that he got a superpower out of the deal… and it was gaydar.
Miss Calendar said, “And we both had sufficient magic to ward off whatever it was, although I probably would have succumbed if you hadn’t warned me about Amy, so I was working on my personal wards.”
“Amy!” Willow squeaked. “She’s probably immune too! We should find her and check!”
Larry said, “Look, I don’t mind you talking about me being gay, ‘cause I’m totally out now, but what’s with the ‘we’re magic’ thing?”
Xander said, “I can’t get him to believe.”
Miss Calendar looked at Larry and said, “Let’s just pretend this is magic, okay Mr. Blaisdell? It’ll go a lot more smoothly.”
Larry frowned, “You’re all crazy.”
Xander asked, “As crazy as Snyder making a pass at me right here in front of everyone?”
“EWW!” Willow shrieked.
“It was astonishingly repulsive,” Giles mentioned.
Xander said, “Look, every guy tries to hit on me, and every girl tries to hit me. I need a place to hide out until the spell breaks, and I need clothes, and I need you two to drag the G-man somewhere and get this spell undone before I have the entire football team doing a first-and-ten on me.”
Willow stopped suddenly. Her mouth dropped open. She looked really hard at him. “Oh no. Oh no! Not again! This is so not okay!”
Miss Calendar asked, “What’s the matter, Willow?”
Willow looked at Larry, then whispered in Miss Calendar’s ear. Miss Calendar’s eyes got big, and she stared hard at Xander. Then she looked at Willow and asked, “Are you sure?”
“She even talks the same!” Willow fussed.
Xander sighed, “Yeah, it felt like the Halloween spell, and it did pretty much the same thing to me.”
Miss Calendar said, “Part of that might be the Law of Precedent.”
“The law of presidents?” Xander asked. “Like you have to be a bigger dork than the last guy who got elected?”
Miss Calendar unsmilingly said, “No. Precedent
. The Law of Precedent says that the more a working has been done in the past, the more it is likely to succeed in the future. Also, a spellwork is more likely to have a specific result if that result has been achieved before.”
Xander gasped in horror. “You mean this might keep
Willow wailed, “No! I don’t want it to happen again!”
“Me neither!” Xander squawked.
Willow glared at him, “Why couldn’t you wear something decent?”
He said, “I transformed in the showers.” Willow and Miss Calendar both winced. “I had to run for it. I tried to get into your locker to get something loose and covering, but the entire cheer squad tried to kill me, and I had to grab something out of some open lockers I ran past. I thought I got a baggy t-shirt and a pair of pants, but it turned out to be this and a pair of capris I couldn’t fit into.”
Giles said, “You look as lovely as the goddess Aphrodite in that outfit, milady.”
Xander did too. He said, “Every guy except for Larry’s gone ape for me. Why does this stuff happen to me? And when can I kick Ethan Rayne in the crotch, because it’s his fault?”
Willow looked horrified. “Uh-oh. What if it is Ethan again?”
Giles announced, “I shall venture out to Ethan’s store and any other hideout where he might be lurking, and slay the dragon for the fair lady!”
Miss Calendar said, “Make him break the spell first!” But Giles was already on his way out.
Willow said, “Well, at least now we’ve got the library to ourselves!”
Xander pointed out, “Not really. Snyder and a bunch of the football jerks know I’m here. We need to move to a safer spot.”
Larry said, “Hey, what could happen in here?”
Just then, the library doors swung open and Buffy stormed in. She pointed right at Xander and said, “There it is! I knew I felt something wiggy a while ago! Will, get out of the way. I’ve got a demon to slice and dice!”
A/N: It is canon that Principal Snyder’s first name starts with ‘R’, but his real first name has never been revealed. I figured there was no way his name could be something normal, like Robert or Roger. So I picked something that’s also a ‘Star Trek: Deep Space Nine’ ref. Armin Shimmerman’s character Quark had a brother named… Rom.