Author's note: this is set during Graduation Day at the end of season three. I do not own any of the characters, nor the franchise in general, nor a narcoleptic mongoose. They belong, respectively, to Joss Whedon and co, Joss Whedon and co, and probably some zoo, somewhere. Only the crazy plot and the words that give it life are mine.
"We could attack the Mayor with humus." said Oz, ever the voice of non-linear craziness.
Cordelia looked at him incredulously. "No, I was wrong. That plan is the most ridiculous I have ever heard."
Willow, though, had misheard humus. She'd thought her boyfriend had said mongoose instead. "No, that's actually quite a good idea."
"Of course you'd say that, he's your boyfriend. But I don't really think that humus is going to cut it." sneered Cordelia.
Willow said defensively "Oh, you said humus. I thought you said mongoose."
"And how is attacking the Mayor with a mongoose any better than attacking him with humus?" asked a nonplussed Xander. Normally, he would be all for a descent into ludicrousness - in fact, it was usually Xander that instigated it - but he was having trouble following this particular strand of madness.
Willow explained her thinking. "Well, we think that the Mayor is going to turn into a giant snake, right? Well, everyone knows that mongooses - or is it mongeese? - kill snakes."
"I didn't know that." said Buffy. "But where would we get a giant mongoose from in the first place? I don't think pet stores sell them."
Giles sighed and scrubbed his glasses. "Do you think we might get away from this, this insanity and concentrate on the upcoming apocalypse?"
Willow ignored him. Her mind was suddenly afire with the possibilities of fighting the mayor with a giant mongoose. She thought it was crazy enough that it just might work. "Well, there is a zoo in Sunnydale. I'm pretty sure there's mongeese there."
Xander shuddered. "I'm not going to that zoo ever ever
again. If you remember, last time I went there I ended up eating a pig and nearly killing you."
Cordelia frowned. "I thought Willow was the Jewish one who couldn't eat pork."
"I said pig, Cordy. As in pink, oinky thing. I ate it raw." said Xander, shuddering again. Cordelia followed suit.
"I thought you didn't remember anything from when you were possessed by that hyena." said Buffy amusement colouring her voice.
Xander went pink and stammered "N-no, I don't. You told me about it, remember? You told me all about what I did. Remember?"
Giles interrupted. "As fascinating as this discussion might be, even an entire flock of mongeese wouldn't be sufficient to drive back the Mayor. So might I suggest we come up with a more practical solution?"
"Gaggle." said Oz monosyllabically.
"What?" asked a now very exasperated Giles.
"Gaggle. If you have a gaggle of geese, then you should have a gaggle of mongeese too, not a flock. Even if it is mongooses." Oz explained.
Giles lost his patience. "I'm going to leave now. Let me know when you're all ready to be serious again." he said, standing up and heading into the depths of the library.
"Wait!" cried Willow, making to grab the escaping librarian's sleeve. Giles stopped and looked at Willow enquiringly, hoping that the most mature of what Xander had taken to calling the Scooby Gang might be ready to be serious. "Could you find some kind of growing spell?"
"Well, yes, I suppose I could..." said Giles musingly before realizing that even he was coming around to this plan. It was no crazier than - no, actually, it was the craziest plan he had ever heard of, which was why it might just work. "So, we're going ahead with this plan, then?" Giles asked, become a little excited despite himself.
"Yes!" came the answering chorus of voices.
Giles wished he were still a member of the Watcher's Council, if only so he could see their faces when he submitted his report.
"What plan?" said a voice in the doorway. Everyone turned to see the suited, bespectacled and useless Watcher that was Wesley. Everyone thought that he had gone already.
The Scooby Gang exchanged glances, reluctant to allow the man whose colossal screw-up with Faith had in no small part led to her being a psychopath in a coma. Eventually Willow broke the silence by saying "He might be of some use in procuring the herd - sorry, gaggle."
At that, Willow and Cordelia led Wesley (who was loudly protesting "Gaggle? What gaggle? What's going on?") outside, whilst trying to convince him to drive them to the zoo. Oz and Xander went to try and prepare as many of the graduates as possible for the Ascension, Giles went to try and locate a growing spell (he was sure he'd seen one in one of the books somewhere
in the surprisingly large library.) whilst Buffy went to find Angel to inform him of events.
It had been fairly easy for Willow and Cordelia to convince Wesley to take them to the zoo (although it was largely due to the crush he had on Cordelia) even though Wesley was certain that it was a crazy plan and everyone was going to die. But, seeing as how he didn't have a better plan and he felt it was his duty to help, Wesley didn't really have a choice but to go along with it.
Nor did it take much to encourage Wesley to go into histrionics as a distraction whilst Willow used one of the nets that Wesley *just so happened* to have in his car - Willow was sure he had planned to use them to capture Faith - to capture one of the mongeese from its enclosure. It seemed strangely docile, and Willow wondered whether that was because it sensed the upcoming Ascension and wanted to help. Although, alternatively, given that the mongoose had fallen asleep as she somewhat nervously went to pick it up, Willow wondered if it might have narcolepsy.
Willow certainly hoped not. She would hate to have gone to all this trouble to get a mongoose only for it to fall asleep in the middle of its fight with the Mayor. She'd kick herself if that happened, right before the Mayor ate her.
Willow and Cordelia went back to Wesley's car and decided that they didn't have the time to wait for the man himself to drive them back to school - especially given as how several zookeepers were leading the hysterical Watcher away from the rest of the public - So Cordelia, being able, unlike Buffy, to drive, drove them away, with Willow cradling a sleeping mongoose on her lap.
The pair arrived back at the library to see hordes of students from their year queuing in front of Oz and Xander to be given weapons that could be hidden underneath their graduation gowns for when the time came.
Giles looked mildly annoyed that only now, on the very day that the students would be leaving Sunnydale High forever, had any of them decided to voluntarily enter the library. Judging by the copious bags, all bearing the legend "Bob's Magic Supplies", and Buffy, despite her Slayer strength, struggling to carry in yet more bags, Giles had found a growth spell. And judging by the fairly noxious smell coming from the bowl that Giles was gently heating with a Bunsen burner, he was preparing the ingredients.
Willow hoped it wouldn't be too hard on the mongoose who was just beginning to stir in her arms. She'd taken a liking to the little creature. She thought she'd call it Timon, like in Lion King, even though he was a mongoose, rather than a meerkat. Of course, Willow knew that she'd have to give it back to the zoo eventually (if they ever managed to find a way to shrink it again) but Timon filled the gap that had been left when Angelus had killed her fish.
When Giles saw Willow and Cordelia coming over, he quickly rummaged around in one of the bags before pulling out a cage (which, judging by the swing inside it, had been meant for a canary rather than a mongoose) which Willow was certain shouldn't have been able to fit in the bag.
Timon, being a docile, sleepy creature - which gave the Scoobies who had gathered round to see what they hoped would be their saviour some misgivings about their plan - didn't mind being put into a cage. He just went to sleep in it.
But it didn't really matter whether the gang had any misgivings about the plan, it was too late to come up with another one now. All they could do was prepare, and wait, and hope that Timon was up to the challenge.
As the Mayor's speech dragged on and on, the Scoobies began to wonder if he was trying to kill them by boring them to death. So did the other students, as they protectively grasped their various secreted weapons. So did the parents, who were just waiting for the celebrations. So did the teachers, who were looking forward to seeing the tail end of one of the most troublesome years they'd ever seen. Even the sycophantic Snyder wished that the Mayor would just get on with it. Only Timon didn't mind, and that was because he was securely asleep in his bird cage beneath Willow's seat. That's just how boring the Mayor's speech was.
However, when the sun was suddenly eclipsed and hordes of vampires began to attack the group, it seemed as though the Mayor had only been trying to lull them into a false sense of security. If that was the case, then it didn't work: the students, as one body, jumped up and began defending themselves with various degrees competency.
However, the Scoobies didn't concern themselves with the Mayor's many minions. As the Mayor himself began to shuck his human body much as the snake he was becoming might shed dead skin, Timon began to get somewhat agitated, rattling the bars of his cage and making high, keening noises. Perhaps he'd be a more successful champion than his sleepy demeanour suggested.
Giles sprinkled the powder onto Timon that was an integral part of the growth spell, even as he and Willow chanted in unison the words that formed the second part of the spell.
It was astounding and probably never before seen sight. You might think that it's easy to imagine a giant mongoose, but in reality, it was just as disturbing as the giant Snake-Mayor. Perhaps more so, given the vague similarity between the Mayor and numerous Godzilla movies, whereas an enormous mongoose was something new.
The Mayor reared back in surprise as it saw its titanic foe, who squealed in such a loud, high-pitched tone that it made everyone wince, and made the vampires, with their more sensitive hearing, writhe in agony at the noise, making it all the easier for them to be dispatched.
Then, with the speed of - well, with the speed of a striking snake, the Mayor struck. But Timon was having none of that, and with a resounding thump he caught the Mayor upside the head, briefly stunning him.
Timon, taking the offensive now, leapt behind the Mayor (squashing several teachers and a couple of students, and demolishing part of the science block with his rapidly swiping tail) and sank his teeth deep into the back of the Mayor's neck. Although, with a snake, it is hard to tell where neck ends and the body begins.
The Mayor, hissing loudly, tried to shake Timon loose, but the mongoose was a tenacious beast when roused - and he was certainly roused now. He wouldn't let go, and the Mayor's writhing decimated the ranks of students and vampire minions alike.
Timon began shaking the snake, much as a terrier might shake a rabbit it has caught. Eventually, his teeth clipped the Mayor's spinal column, and the last thoughts that passed through the politician's mind, which he didn't even have the motor function to say, was Well, Gosh
The Mayor collapsed, destroying several more blocks of the school. Timon, satisfied that he had done a good job, promptly keeled over and flattened the rest of the school, and his snoring sounded like thunder.
Willow wondered how on earth it would be possible to explain away the dead giant snake and the narcoleptic giant mongoose away, even with the aiding effect of Sunnydale syndrome. But then she shrugged, dismissing it from her mind as she joined in the escaping cheering of the survivors. Her plan, as ludicrous as it might've been, had worked!