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Emails from the Inside

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This story is No. 21 in the series "Darcy Lewis, Vampire Slayer (Semi-Retired)". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: Emails between SHIELD agents over the antics of Darcy Lewis and the Avengers.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Marvel Universe > Avengers > Darcy-CenteredNinjababeFR1344,87203018,48921 Nov 1218 Jan 13No

Chapter Two

To: [all members of SHIELD]
From: Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Reminder

There is no poker playing on SHIELD property. Or with SHIELD property. Ever. At all.

Even with support staff. Especially support staff. This includes the scientists!

I will no longer accept excuses of an agent's official gear being lost in said illegal poker games.

And, Doctor Foster, stop trying to sell said gear on Ebay. As an agency, SHIELD cannot afford to keep paying the exorbitant fees the gear is fetching. Especially when I know it is Ms. Lewis who is the other bidder.

Directory Fury
Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov

=====

From: Jane.Foster@SHIELD.gov
To: Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: Reminder

Perhaps you should add a more comprehensive emotional detachment section to your agent training. It would certainly help them in their future endeavors.

Also, as I am no longer allowed to sell my winnings, I will be sending a bill to the accounting department for the remaining items in my winnings.

Or, I could open an etsy shop. Perhaps name it 'Secret Chic'?

Jane Foster
Jane.Foster@SHIELD.gov

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

=====

From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov
To: Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: Reminder

Is Avengers Tower considered SHIELD property to the organization?

Darcy Lewis
Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum.

=====

To: Jane.Foster@SHIELD.gov
From: Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: Re: Reminder

As long as the invoice is correct, and reasonable, I'll make sure it's paid in full.

If you could give me a list of agents that lost equipment, I'll make sure they are signed up for remedial classes.

Directory Fury
Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov

=====

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov
From: Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: Re: Reminder

As Tony Stark still maintains total control of the tower, no, it is not considered SHIELD property.

It is still forbidden to use SHIELD issued gear in said poker games, however.

Directory Fury
Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov

=====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov
From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov
Subject: GAH!

I'm going to kill him.

Yes, I know I'm not supposed to make threats in writing.

I don't care.

If you don't do something about Clint, I'm going to stake him out on a fire ant hill and poor honey over his ass.

Again, I don't care that it's an uninspired threat.

He took my last Aero bar. I had to order these chocolate bars from England. Then wait a month for them to be shipped to me.

How do I know Agent Barton took it? He left me a 'promissory' note. It says, and I quote, "Yummy chocolate. I'll buy you a Hershey's bar tomorrow. - Clint"

HERSHEYS DOES NOT EQUAL AERO BARS!!!!!!

I'm going to kill him.

Darcy Lewis
Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum.

=====

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov
From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: GAH!

Ms Lewis, calm down.

I informed Agent Barton of his mistake, and he is rectifying it as we speak.

If the situation is not resolved within two days, inform me, and I'll take further action.

Agent Phillip Coulson
Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

Kid's don't have a problem with me. It's grownups that get a little scared sometimes.

=====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov
From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: Re: GAH!

The situation has been resolved, as you agents would say.

He gave me five Aero bars. He said he called in a favor from an agent coming in from England.

So, let me know when there's a mission planned in the British Isles, would you? I'll give you my order.

Darcy Lewis
Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum.

=====

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov
From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: Re: Re: GAH!

Ms. Lewis, I cannot inform you of ongoing missions that do not concern you.

Also, there is no international travel listed in your file. How could you develop a taste for British candy?

Agent Phillip Coulson
Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

In a world of chaos, wrinkle-free shirts keep me sane.

====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov
From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: GAH!

I don't need the particulars. Just drop me an email saying 'There's a mission being planned for England.' I'll drop off my money and request list to your office, and you can pass it on to the agent in question. If they don't end up dead or severely injured, I would appreciate if they could bring back at least something on my list.

Also, stop looking me up. I know a couple of girls from the UK and they introduced me to the joys of British candy and crisps. Oh, I need to add that to my request. Smokey Bacon crisps. -drool-

Darcy Lewis
Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum.

=====

To: [poker fanatics]
From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov
Subject: New location of games

Due to Director Fury's announcement, all future poker games have been relocated to Avengers Tower.

Please note, that due to card counting charges levied at multiple agents, and a certain billionaire playboy philanthropist, we will now be using three decks of cards, with ten to fifteen randomly picked cards removed from each deck.

To keep the Director's blood pressure down, we will no longer accept any recognizable SHIELD gear as bets.

Darcy Lewis
Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum.

=====

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov
From: Tony.Stark@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: New location of games

Stark Tower!

And, you forgot genius!

What is acceptable for betting? Since you forbid me from playing for money.

Tony Stark
Tony.Stark@SHIELD.gov

Laws of physics? More like guidelines than actual rules.

=====

To: Tony.Stark@SHIELD.gov
From: computer.services@SHIELD.gov
Subject: [blank]

Mr. Stark, please stop hacking into our systems. We never issued you a SHIELD email address.

To hopefully stop future incursions, we will allow you to keep this address. Please be advised that this email address has a security level of one.

Computer Services
computer.services@SHIELD.gov
800-555-2667

=====

To: computer.services@SHIELD.gov
From: Tony.Stark@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: [blank]

Bite me.

I've put my security level back to were it should be, nine.

Mess with it again, and we'll see how I escalate.

Tony Stark
Tony.Stark@SHIELD.gov

Laws of physics? More like guidelines than actual rules.

=====

To: Tony.Stark@SHIELD.gov
From: Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Damn it, Stark!

Stop annoying and threatening my computer department. They're freaking out over what you and that damn AI of yours will do next.

I ordered them to change your security level back to it's proper location, five. This level is equal to all members of the Avengers Initiative that are not agents of SHIELD.

Again, Leave my damn computer geeks alone.

Directory Fury
Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov

=====

To: Tony.Stark@SHIELD.gov
From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: Re: New location of games

Avengers Tower!

Playing for money without a permit in New York City is illegal. You know this. And, no, this isn't the excuse you need to start the paperwork for a permit.

We are currently polling the members of the SHIELD poker circuit for betting ideas. Please weigh in. So far, the realistic choices are:

Toothpicks
Paper clips
Hershey kisses

Hershey kisses are in the lead as of this moment.

Darcy Lewis
Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum.

=====

To: Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov
From: JARVIS@everywhere.world
Subject: Re: Damn it, Stark!

I am aghast at your insinuation that I would do anything untoward in regards to your computers or computer department.

On another note, I noticed that Mr Stark and I had missed your birthday a few months back. Felicitations. Please enjoy the magazine subscription. I figured you wouldn't want the mailman to suddenly appear at your home address, so for the next three years, your issues of Barbie magazine will be delivered to SHIELD headquarters. You do spell your first name Nicholas and not Nikolas, correct?

JARVIS

=====

I personally know you can order Aero bars and smokey bacon crisps from Canada, but Darcy doesn't... Reminds me. My crisps are going to go bad soon. Need to eat them. Oh woe!

Jane's siq quote is from Hamlet. Darcy's sig quote is something I like to say. Tony's sig quote is a misquote from Pirates of the Caribbean.
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