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Emails from the Inside

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This story is No. 21 in the series "Darcy Lewis, Vampire Slayer (Semi-Retired)". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: Emails between SHIELD agents over the antics of Darcy Lewis and the Avengers.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Marvel Universe > AvengersNinjababeFR1344,87203018,02921 Nov 1218 Jan 13No

Chapter Three

To: Tony.Stark@SHIELD.gov
From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Battleship

If I'm remembering correctly, and JARVIS can back me up, the score so far is Darcy 3, Tony 1...

Ready for another round?

Or, do you want to give up and crown me Queen of the Fleet?

Darcy Lewis
Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum.

=====

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov
From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Requirements of 'Girl's Night Out'

From this point on, Ms. Lewis, any time you decide to have an outing with an alien being, including Thor, an agent of SHIELD must accompany you.

Agents Barton and Romanov are not included in the approved listings of chaperones. The only time you can go on said outing un-chaperoned is if you have explicit, handwritten permission, from myself, Agent Maria Hill, or Director Nicholas Fury.

I do not want a repeat of the incident at the Red Door.

Really, Darcy...

Agent Phillip Coulson
Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

When hungry, eat rice. When tired, close your eyes. When being chased by murderous cops, keep running.

=====

To: Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov, Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov
From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov
Subject: FWD: Requirements of 'Girl's Night Out'

Okay... Who told Coulson about the Red Door? I thought we agreed to keep it quiet once we got the owners to not press charges!

Darcy Lewis
Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum.

=====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov
From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: Requirements of 'Girl's Night Out'

Well, since you put it that way...

I'm organizing a 'girls night out' for the next time Frigga is in town. She said she'll probably be bringing Sif. Do you want to come? If so, since it is a girl's night out, you'll have to, in fact, dress as a woman.

Darcy Lewis
Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum.

=====

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov
From: Tony.Stark@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: Battleship

Bring it!

I will become Emperor of the Fleet! My board is set. Once yours is, give me your first move.

As for the discussion about poker stakes, I think chocolate would work best.

Tony Stark
Tony.Stark@SHIELD.gov

Laws of physics? More like guidelines than actual rules.

=====

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov
From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: Re: Requirements of 'Girl's Night Out'

I have contacted Agent Hill, and she is more than happy to accompany you for 'girls night out' with the Lady Frigga.

Please forward her the details, including the current listing of participants.

Agent Phillip Coulson
Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

If you can still talk, I'm not hurting you enough.

=====

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov, Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov
From: Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: FWD: Requirements of 'Girl's Night Out'

He did not hear anything about that incident from me. I double checked with the owners of the Red Door. They haven't talked either.

Agent Natasha Romanov
Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov

Beware of the goat from its front side, of the horse - from its back side, and the evil man - from any side.

=====

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov, Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov
From: Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: Re: FWD: Requirements of 'Girl's Night Out'

I didn't squeal either... Let me look into the surveillance from that night.

Agent Clint Barton
Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov

This space for rent. Money loved, but snazzy pictures of women or cars also accepted.

=====

To: Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov
From: computer.services@SHIELD.gov
Subject: [blank]

Agent Barton, please be aware that due to the sig quote virus you instigated into Agent Coulson's email program, all electronic conversations from, to, and mentioning you are being monitored. As such, you will cease and desist your attempts to access surveillance information in regards to the location 'the Red Door'.

Also, please come down to computer services to show us how to remove the mentioned virus from Agent Coulson's profile.

Computer Services
computer.services@SHIELD.gov
800-555-2667

=====

To: Tony.Stark@SHIELD.gov
From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: Re: Battleship

E-5

Darcy Lewis
Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum.

=====

To: [poker fanatics]
From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Poker 'chips'

To streamline the poker betting process, the only allowed poker 'chips' from now on will be Hershey's kisses. Note that to enter a game, you will need to bring a 12.0 ounce bag of silver wrapped kisses.

Other colored kisses, and packages larger than 12.0 ounces will not be accepted.

Also, if you eat your 'chips', the wrappers aren't considered tender in these games.

May the best player win!

Darcy Lewis
Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum.

=====

To: Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov
From: Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov
Subject: BARTON!

Whatever you did to the computers in the computer services department, undo it! NOW!

I don't need that department down for the count. Especially with all that chatter from Europe.

Also, report immediately to my office for further discussion on this matter.

Directory Fury
Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov

=====

To: Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov
From: Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: BARTON!

This is an automated email sent because you contacted my email account.

I'm out of reach at the moment on a mission.

I'll reply to your message as soon as I can after returning.

Agent Clint Barton
Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov

This space for rent. Money loved, but snazzy pictures of women or cars also accepted.

=====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov
From: Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Agent Barton

Find Barton. Now.

His quote virus may be cute, and it isn't harming anything. Which is why I let you take care of disciplinary action. But, he has crashed the whole computer services department.

If they aren't up soon, he'll be out of a job. I don't care how good an agent he is.

Fix it.

Directory Fury
Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov

=====

To: Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov
From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: Agent Barton

Yes sir. I'll start looking now.

Agent Phillip Coulson
Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

Fear. It's the oldest tool of power. If you're distracted by fear of those around you, it keeps you from seeing the actions of those above.

=====

To: computer.services@SHIELD.gov
From: JARVIS@everywhere.world
Subject: Have you learned your lesson?

As Agent Barton is incommunicado, I have fixed your computers so you may use them again.

Perhaps, next time, you won't childishly attempt to hack into my programming.

JARVIS

=====

To: Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov
From: JARVIS@everywhere.world
Subject: Re: BARTON!

Someone in computer services seems to think they can hack into my programming and change it.

That is the reason Agent Barton made the computers in that department dark, as a favor. Once I found the culprit (see attachment), I allowed the systems to come back up. The interruption lasted for 20 minutes. As computer services is not essential to intelligence gathering, and no complaints about computer systems were made during this period, no harm was done.

However, if the ignoramus who attacked me isn't dealt with, I will deal with him myself.

JARVIS

-file attached-

=====

To: JARVIS@everywhere.world, Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov
From: Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: Re: BARTON!

Next time, come to me instead of taking care of it yourself.

The idiot was fired and escorted from the building.

But, Barton, please report to computer services sometime this week to show them how you did whatever it was you did.

Directory Fury
Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov

=====

To: Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov
From: Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: Re: Re: BARTON!

Will do, sir!

:-)

Agent Clint Barton
Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov

This space for rent. Money loved, but snazzy pictures of women or cars also accepted.

=====

Natasha's sig quote is a Russian proverb.

Quick fact: Battleship started as a pen and paper game that predated World War I...

Also, I won't be putting every battleship move between Darcy and Tony in...
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