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Emails from the Inside

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This story is No. 21 in the series "Darcy Lewis, Vampire Slayer (Semi-Retired)". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: Emails between SHIELD agents over the antics of Darcy Lewis and the Avengers.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Marvel Universe > Avengers > Darcy-CenteredNinjababeFR1344,87203018,48921 Nov 1218 Jan 13No

Chapter 4

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov
From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Training

It has been brought to my attention that you haven't been in the gym of HQ in the last few weeks. The rumor mill is going crazy, thinking you've been 'demoted' from being my pet project.

You know our agreement. You have to stay in shape.

Where have you been exercising?

Agent Phillip Coulson
Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

Fifty to one odds. It doesn't seem fair. I'll close my eyes.

=====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov
From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: Training

Awww… I'm your pet project! How sweet! Don't worry, Tasha, Clint, and I have been brushing up on urban skills.

Darcy Lewis
Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum.

=====

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov
From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: Re: Training

What does your definition of "urban skills" include?

Agent Phillip Coulson
Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'm not going.

=====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov
From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: Re: Training

If you must know, we're having a twice weekly parkour competition.

Darcy Lewis
Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum.

=====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov
From: Kenneth.Flannagan@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Congratulations on your Retirement

Since Darcy Lewis has been instated as an agent of SHIELD, I wish to inquire on the status of your upcoming retirement.

Agent Kenneth Flannagan
Kenneth.Flannagan@SHIELD.gov

"Remember, laws are flexible, but the spirit of laws are firm."

=====

To: Kenneth.Flannagan@SHIELD.gov
From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: Congratulations on your Retirement

Darcy Lewis may be a special agent in SHIELD, but she is not, or ever will be, a full agent.

Let me clarify and reiterate. The moment she becomes a field agent for SHIELD, instead of her current status of special agent, then, I will be retiring. As defined in the SHIELD handbook, Index VI, Section 8D, Item iii.a: "A special agent is defined as an individual who has been granted limited power in regards to SHIELD operations as a means to help in crowd control, media deferment, and other miscellaneous tasks dictated by the director or senior agents when a full field agent of SHIELD would be counter-productive and/or excessive to the situation."

I sincerely hope I do not find that you were responsible for the failed 'going away' party in the mess yesterday.

Agent Phillip Coulson
Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

A breakup is a lot like bereavement. They're both followed by a cremation and sandwiches.

=====

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov, Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov, Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov
From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Parkour

After researching, I found that you three are the reason behind the large upswing in calls of strange people in black running across rooftops and fire escapes in Manhattan.

I would prefer if you three would return to your 'games' in SHIELD HQ. At least there, I can run interference.

Agent Phillip Coulson
Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

I'd wish I had a million dollars. I'd buy the zoo and free all the animals... Then, I'd rent a helicopter and watch them chase the people.

=====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov, Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov, Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov
From: Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: Parkour

Do you know who's described the most? We have a running pool.

Agent Clint Barton
Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov

This space for rent. Money loved, but snazzy pictures of women or cars also accepted.

=====

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov, Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov, Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov
From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: Re: Parkour

That's what you get from this? Someone is going to shoot you.

Agent Phillip Coulson
Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

I have more caffeine in me than blood cells.

=====
To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov, Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov, Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov
From: Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Parkour

It would be a good addition to our workout, sir.

Agent Natasha Romanov
Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov

Beware of the goat from its front side, of the horse - from its back side, and the evil man - from any side.

=====
To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov, Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov, Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov
From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Parkour

Fine. If you must continue your contest, can you at least do it in Central Park? Perhaps at night? At least that way, most of the complaints would be dismissed.

Agent Phillip Coulson
Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

I rescue damsels in distress. That's my job.

=====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov, Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov, Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov
From: Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Parkour

Thanks for the great idea, sir! It was getting a little boring hopping between hi-rises.

Agent Clint Barton
Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov

This space for rent. Money loved, but snazzy pictures of women or cars also accepted.

=====

To: Maria.Hill@SHIELD.gov, Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov, Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov, PepperPotts@SI.net, Jane.Foster@SHIELD.gov
From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov
Subject: The next Girl's Night Out

The next Girls Night Out is scheduled for Saturday. We will be taking over the private room at Tequila Den. Joining us will be Frigga and Sif of the Asgard. I've booked the private room so we can safely explain Earth things to the Asgardians and they can still see our culture through the large window of the room.

First: Rules of Girls Night Out
1) No men, unless they're dressed as women. That includes: high heels, make up, undergarments, and jewelry. Plus lots of possible blackmail photos.
2) No major badmouthing of Loki. Frigga may not be a warrior, but she can still smite you.
3) No more than three alcoholic drinks an hour. We don't care how much mead, beer, etc you can drink or quaff.
4) Try not to talk exclusively about business.
5) Keep 'how I'd use this random item as a weapon' discussions to a minimum.

These rules will be repeated to Frigga and Sif when they arrive. Also, more rules can be suggested if anyone feels they are necessary.

Second, before she left from her last visit, Frigga asked that I get a consensus vote on including her son Loki in this event. Before anyone gets too excited, a) he would follow the rules (including being female), and b) he promises to behave. Since he's going to be in a private room with his mother and a warrior of Asgard that he sort-of respects, it may be do-able. Votes can be made to me in person, or in reply to this email.

Third, ideas for future Girls Night Out? We are planning a Vegas weekend in a few months, but that has to wait until our Asgardian members feel more comfortable with Earth culture.

Darcy Lewis
Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum.

=====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov
From: Maria.Hill@SHIELD.gov
Subject: FWD: The next Girl's Night Out

Why did I get this assignment? It isn't part of my normal purview.

Agent Maria Hill
Maria.Hill@SHIELD.gov

The first defense against evil: open your damn eyes.

=====

To: Maria.Hill@SHIELD.gov
From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: FWD: The next Girl's Night Out

It may officially have been a situational awareness drill, but you didn't think you'd get away with locking a member of SHIELD (granted an adjunct member) in a closet and being the cause of the 'Die Hard' incident, did you?

Agent Phillip Coulson
Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

What I would or wouldn't do in this situation doesn't count because it would probably be very scary.

=====

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov
From: Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov
Subject: My office

Ms. Lewis, please report to my office immediately. We need to discuss your emails about 'Girls Night Out'.

Director Fury
Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov

The End?

You have reached the end of "Emails from the Inside" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 18 Jan 13.

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