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Emails from the Inside

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This story is No. 21 in the series "Darcy Lewis, Vampire Slayer (Semi-Retired)". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: Emails between SHIELD agents over the antics of Darcy Lewis and the Avengers.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Marvel Universe > Avengers > Darcy-CenteredNinjababeFR1344,87203018,35121 Nov 1218 Jan 13No

Chapter One

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters from the Buffy verse or the Marvel Avengers Movie verse...

This is going to be a multi-part, open ended story, mostly because I know I'll come up with ideas for future emails. As this covers events from the whole of the Darcy Lewis Slayer series, I'm leaving it at the bottom of the series list.

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To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov
From: Kenneth.Flannagan@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Disruption 08/10/12

The following is my preliminary report on the incident of 08/10/2012.

Persons involved: Agent Clint Barton, Agent Natasha Romanov, Civilian (?) Darcy Lewis

Location: Office of Agent Kenneth Flannagan

Summary: Agents used office of Agent Kenneth Flannagan as a playground for a mix of tag, hide and seek, and what seemed to be laser tag.

WTF?! I'm sorry to use a net term, but, really, WTF?! Are you secretly training Ms. Lewis to be an agent? If so, you're doing a great job.

I really didn't need to see Agent Barton tumble out of a vent with Agent Romanov trying to pummel him.

It was compounded with Ms. Lewis (Again, are you sure she's a civilian?) throwing my office door open with a bang and firing what seemed to be a weapon at the two agents while saying "PEW! PEW! DIE SECRET AGENT SCUM!" This caused both agents to dive behind my desk.

Looking down, I could see a flashing light on Agent Barton's left arm and heard him mutter "Damn, she got my arm." before transferring his copy of the same type of weapon wielded by Ms Lewis to his other arm.

A few moments later, the two Agents, having declared a truce based on the non-verbal communication I witnessed, dived from behind my desk from both sides and fired their own weapons at Ms Lewis, who was now crouching in my office doorway. During this, Agent Barton yelled out "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE US ALIVE!" towards Ms. Lewis.

Ms. Lewis did a credible barrel roll out of my doorway and I could hear her running down the hall. Agents Romanov and Barton soon followed.

I sat there, in shock, barely able to blink, for five minutes before my brain rebooted.

WTF!

Agent Kenneth Flannagan
Kenneth.Flannagan@SHIELD.gov

"Remember, laws are flexible, but the spirit of laws are firm."

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To: Kenneth.Flannagan@SHIELD.gov
From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: Disruption 08/10/12

Agent Flannagan, I apologize for the actions of my Agents and Ms Lewis.

Please be advised, Ms Lewis is not training to be an agent. She will never be an agent. I will state that in the event of her becoming an agent, I will immediately retire from service. This will tell you how seriously I feel about this subject.

In regards to your report of the incident on 08/10/2012, I have to reply with the following points:

1 - The report you submitted suggested you need to contact maintenance about a better lock system for your vent and door.

2 - Agents Romanov and Barton, plus Ms Lewis, have been reprimanded over their behavior. They know to only play their games in abandoned offices.

3 - The fact that it took you a full five minutes for your 'brain to reboot' states you need some remedial training. I've signed you up to the current curriculum for, as the new agents call it, 'the brain breaking courses'. Hopefully, this will help you become more mentally flexible.

Agent Phillip Coulson
Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

Bow Chicka Wow Wow, Baby!

=====

To: Kenneth.Flannagan@SHIELD.gov
From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: Re: Disruption 08/10/12

I apologize for my sig quote in the last email.

Agent Barton now has another demerit in his file, and will be enjoying cleaning level fifteen.

I've temporarily raised your clearance level to six so you can know that yes, we do have a level fifteen.

Agent Phillip Coulson
Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

If a tree falls in a forest, and no one sees, does it really matter? No, because Coulson killed it… He's that good. He can clap with one hand even.

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To: Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov
From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov
Subject: My email

Stay out of my sig files Clint.

How the hell did you get into my secure email?

Wait, I don't want to know. Just… How many quotes did you add to my sig files? So I know when it ends…

Agent Phillip Coulson
Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

Cats! Cats stole my pen! But, they're so cute, I don't care!

=====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov
From: Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: My email

I have no idea what you're talking about. At all. Sir.

Agent Clint Barton
Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov

This space for rent. Money loved, but snazzy pictures of women or cars also accepted.

=====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov
From: Kenneth.Flannagan@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Disruption 08/15/12

The following is my preliminary report on the incident of 08/15/2012.

Persons involved: Unknown. Suspected: Agent Clint Barton, Agent Natasha Romanov, and Civilian Darcy Lewis

Location: Office of Agent Kenneth Flannagan

Summary: I returned from mandatory re-training (Thank you for that, by the way.) to find my office filled to the roof by stuffed rabbits.

Opening the door started a three minute deluge of toys falling around me and over my head. By the time they had stopped, I was waist deep in fluffy rabbit toys.

Suspects are unknown, but I have a suspicion that Agents Barton and Romanov, and perhaps, Civilian Lewis, were involved due to disciplinary actions from previous incident.

Agent Kenneth Flannagan
Kenneth.Flannagan@SHIELD.gov

"Remember, laws are flexible, but the spirit of laws are firm."

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To: Kenneth.Flannagan@SHIELD.gov
From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov
Subject: Re: Disruption 08/15/12

I apologize for the incident you described.

I will be interrogating the suspects you mentioned to make sure of guilt before passing out disciplinary measures. Also, considering the amount of product involved with filling your office space, I will extend my interrogations to Mr. Tony Stark, as that sort of incident needs a broad expense account to make happen.

Please ignore the quote at the end of this post. I'm still working with computer services to extract Agent Barton's virus from my email program.

Would you happen to know where I can find a mint condition edition of Amazing Fantasy #15 that is less than $500? That's the best deal I can find, and computer services insist they need that to crack Agent Barton's code.

Agent Phillip Coulson
Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

I love the smell of C-4 in the morning!

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Amazing Fantasy #15 is the first appearance of Spider Man in the Marvel comic universe.

Most of Coulson's sig quotes are going to be from my files of quotes.
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