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Summary: When Xander gets stuck on a Hell Dimension. He ends up on no other place than the soul cairn. Skyrim/Buffy

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Games > FantasyforgerofliesFR1835,559085,21223 Dec 123 Jan 13No

Meeting a mad God

"I lay there, no longer wounded. Confused, befuddled that I survived. Then I remembered, remembered memories not my own. Remembered Tamriel. Flying the open skies. Being stuck in Soul Cairn, the deal with the ideal masters. Meeting myself. Then using an obscure ritual to save myself, fully knowing the consequence of such an action. Then I woke up."

- Xander Harris

Meeting a MadGod


I woke up. I didn't know what to do next, I searched for Durnehviir for sometime. Trudging the wasteland called the soul cairn, a placed ruled by entities very much so like the powers that be. Powerful. shrewd, manipulative. It seems that Durn has escaped. To the great beyond as he always called it. There he might fly with his friends. Friends that I can distinctly remember, now that I've done some thinking.

I remember most of it now, Durnehviir was unlike most dragons, instead of learning to breath fire,ice or lightning Durn was interested on the dead. Necromancy. He was asked to guard the Soul Cairn till some necromancer died, turns out one of those "Ha, we tricked you!" moments. The necromancer was a Vampire! Durn has guarded the Soul Cairn for so long that his body has acclimated to it. He was bound.

Durnehviir circumvented it though. When I was dying he used a ritual, something old, powerful and extremely fatal to the caster. Even with the glimmer of memory that I gained from my friend, I cannot know what it's effects will be, mostly because he didn't either. It was basically destroying his body so I could live. He was free, from the chains of the Ideal masters. I on the other hand... I'm standing in front of the portal, the portal those vampires used to enter the Soul Cairn. Blood pumping faster, I dunno, seeing it now rather than from the memory Durnehviir left for me, made me excited. It was beautiful, it was freedom.


"Woah!" I yelled. just as I was going to enter the portal towards Tamriel or even hopefully, Home, A hand grabs me and drags me backwards. Instead of falling down the stairs leading towards the portal it seems I had fallen on a different portal!

I fell down on pavement. I hear birds chirping, some crickets, heck I feel the sun on my face. Most of it was ignored though, as my body righted itself shifting into what I call "stake or run the hell from it" stance. I surveyed for any danger, the only "danger" I see is a man dressed in a purple robe on one half, and reddish orange on his other half. He had whitened eyes, as if blinded, but the way his head is turned towards me tells a different story altogether though it would explain his cane if he was blind. Someone who looks like he can't hurt a fly, someone like the former mayor of Sunnydale.

I shifted uncomfortably on the soles of my feet. Holding in a defensive stance the sword I "Borrowed" from one of the many skeletal figures in Soul Cairn. If it was indeed like the mayor, he can't truly say he's fucked, it's a given. "Who are you?!" I demanded at him. He frowned at me and said "H'afrumph! Well then, if you're going to be like that... Perhaps it's best I take my leave. A good day to you sir. I said good day!" He said making a show of turning around and walking in large silly strides.

I couldn't stop myself I yelled "Hey, sorry I'm Careful-guy these days." As soon as I did say it though he twirled a-and skipped back towards me. "Ah, if that is so, then allow me to introduce myself careful guy." I think this guy might not be so bad afterall... hopefully.

"Most inhabitants here call me many things" He says his voice sounds like giles choked on an apple yet still forced to give a course on Slayer 101 "Now you. You can call me Ann Marie. But only if you're partial to being flayed alive and having an angry immortal skip rope with your entrails. I'f not... Then call me Sheogorath, Daedric Prince of Madness. Charmed." Damn it all to hell. Just my luck. Of all the... I get the Mad one?

"I don't suppose you'll let me go?" I asked hopefully, gripping my sword handle so hard I'm surprised the old thing isn't broken yet. "Please? You could play skip rope on some other poor schmuck out there?" I added, hey it might work!

"Hmmm..." He made a pretense of rubbing his beard in thought. He might've been actually thinking come to think of it. "That's hardly sporting of you, isn't it? You just came and now you want to go?" He made a Flourish "why not enjoy yourself, In this fair town for a while? Come, come let me take you to a tour." He said, I don't know what else to do so I followed. No one dared assume the names of daedra lest they be stricken down... Painfully. Atleast that's what I know from Durn's impressive memories.


We did a round about on the town, he was pretty jovial about it too. We stop at the center of the town, Bliss apparently, There was a statue of mermaids in the center. When we came to a stop the man, god, demon whatever exclaimed. "Now that's all over with, I can finally rip out your eyes and feed them to the dogs." He said darkly seemingly in the mood for... some eye rippage. I brought myself to guard, brandishing my weapon so it came between myself and the mad guy. "But wait, since you brought cheese why don't I tell you why we're here?" Cheese? What the he-

"What the!" My Blade! Instead of my old borrowed longsword I now hold... A cheese blade? "Mmmm Cheese! Nothing like it in all of the world."


All in all it wasn't too bad... I mean sure I get to live with an insane god that periodically threatens my bodily parts... well yeah I know it sounds bad but listen. Within the six month's that I've lived in the shivering isles I can say that there's a method to madness, a pattern that most do not see. The inhabitants maybe crazy, but there was a method to their craziness... and that made it bearable. Know the methods, avoid the craziness so to speak. Well it works... except on Sheogorath that is. He's... He's just Mad, Freaking Bonking Irredeemably Mad. See the capital letters there? He's that insane.

It's been two months since I got here, unwilling I might add. I got to know the people, the sexy guards. The daedra, the man-eating spiders, ogres, cat people, lizard people heck I might've seen a catdog somewhere but that might just be me catching the Mad.

I've been doing some errands for Mad Sheo for a while now, usually he just makes me do silly quests... which no power on earth will make me tell you the story of which he made me do. He promises, that he will find a way to home if there is one, and that he will after a dozen quests put me in Tamriel. A promise that cannot be broken as it was spoken in tongue of old, that much I some of the serious quests had me using all my admittedly small experience in combat and of course my "New found" ability to do magic. Just like the quest I'm doing now.


"Minion! Oh good! You're here!" I rolled my eyes at his enthusiasm.

" Don't you roll your eyes at me Mister! I oughta rip out your eyes and feed them to you." Now doesn't that bring back some nostalgia.

"Just get it over with." I interrupted his threatening, he was going on about acid baths or something, you get used to it after awhile. "YOU dare interrupt ME? Only I interrupt me! Like just then."

My lips quirk upwards, purely an unconscious reaction I assure you, this guy always make me crack up... even if he's quite... not there.

"Now where was I? Oh yes! Your last quest innit? Hmmm? What should I make you do? Perhaps... Aha... I'll make you collect me 1,356,193 brownstones!" I stared at him in horror.

"No... No, that's quite too easy. Perhaps. I know!" I gave a small sigh of relief, he had me going there.

"I have an Item, created not long ago you see? Of course you do, you always see, don't you?" I nodded tentatively, I wasn't blind yet as far as I know. "Well it's quite well guarded, let's see who was guarding it again... Ah, yes. I remember now. It's a... secret!" I groaned. last time he did that... I shuddered involuntarily.

"Now this item is a gauntlet. Has incredible power, blah,blah,blah. It's located at Spiders peak. I would of course teleport you just outside. You ready? No? Too bad... Say cheese!"


It was snowing... makes me glad I wore my cloak. I was wearing black leather armor, because I couldn't stand using steel armor. It was clunky, it was noisy, and just a hindrance in my opinion. This set I made myself. From the rewards of one of my more serious quests. Sheogorath gave me unlimited access to his materials inventory. I used mostly the black leather stored there. Looked like horsehide, or perhaps buffalo from the thickness. I must say when I look at the mirror now I look like I can take on an army, I had the best leather workers in all of Dementia do some designs on it because I was not really that good at making the pretty or the scary. I keep thinking the scoobies reaction when they see me now. Doing God's will... well a gods will... an insane demonic one at that... nevermind.

Spiders peak. It looks like a temple, a daedric temple at that. Large statue at the front a female one. I don't know this one. Most of the ones I know are the ones Sheogorath keeps on mentioning, like Jyaggalag and Molag bal. Mostly the nasty ones at that.

I sneaked in inside. I'm actually pretty sneaky, i've discovered. Brandishing my daedric longsword, just to be safe. I was just halfway through my second corridor when I saw "it".

"Oh shi-" Shrieeeeeeeeeeeeeeek

Damn. Those tits. "It" was a Gigantic Spider Demon. Half woman Half spider. But damn that woman part was great. Except it's trying to kill me and all. Look at it jiggle.

Bad thoughts! Remember Ms. French! That got me going. I parried it's gigantic claw-arm thing with my sword and rolled over way past her sides. I swung my sword on one of her massive legs catching her off balance. Then I rode her... not the naughty riding mind you. Stuck my sword on her backside and whispered "Qo"

She was pretty much fried after that.

The magic thing? Well Thu'um is actually usable by Humans, It's basically using your voice to make the world obey. While Durnehviir focused mostly on necromantic studies, he was obsessed with flying... You got it, when he was stuck in soul cairn, he yearned the normal skies. He went as far as to try to make clouds or to make lightning, well needless to say that lightning part he got very, very good at. So am I apparently, though I tried to raise some skeletons once it didn't work. Must be because I had no deal with the Ideal masters nor do I intend to.

Shrieeeeeeeeeeeek Shrieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek shrieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee k

Damn it the first one called the others. I ran towards the end of the corridor. It wouldn't do to be trapped on that narrow space. Ask and you shall receive as they say. Sigh. Well instead of being trapped in a narrow corridor, I'm now in a very wide room , the floor had a web-design pattern stretching out towards the walls. And in the middle... The gauntlet. It was quite a beautiful sight all in all.


How could I forget. There's also 6 spider women looking at me with hungry eyes "I know I look good but, you know can you fall in line or something?" they rushed to me all at the same time, what can I say I'm Irresistable.


Well That's the second chapter guys Enjoy and good night all. Anyways next update should be in Saturday or something.

For those who don't know or play or have reached Dawnguard's Soul Cairn and Sheogorath here's some bit of explanation.

Soul Cairn is the place where every soul that touches soul magicks end up, most of the souls absorbed in crystals end up here. Its basically an endless plain full of souls. Durnehviir was enlisted/fooled to be it's guardian till the ends of time. Necromancers tap this plain when the play with souls, they make deals with the Ideal masters, whom are basically like the powers-that-be for that place.

Sheogorath is the Daedric Prince/God of Madness. He likes driving people insane, and making them do silly things. He occasionally threatens but most of the time won't follow up to it... because he is Lazy. Once one of the most powerful Daedra around, Jyaggalag God of Order was cursed to become Sheogorath God of madness. Once every end of an Era he can once again turn into Jyaggalag. In Elderscrolls IV the hero broke the curse and became Sheogorath. this was set 200 years before skyrim.
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