I don't own anything. Buffy is not owned by me. Nor is anything owned by Marvel, especially not the Avengers. It is owned by rich, talented people. I'm a nobody. Please don't sue me. Item 48
It had been the best Christmas since Buffy's mother had died. Egg had been nogged, fas had been la la-ed, and merry had been made. They had even gotten some premium slay-time in, having first lured in, and then for good, eliminated Santa Claus; no more helpless children would be disemboweled by that red suited menace.
Most importantly, after a year spent scattered to the four corners of the earth fighting evil, training new Slayers, and reforming the Watcher's Council, the Scooby gang was back together again. The atmosphere was festive on Christmas morning, with laughter and warm fuzzies abounding. Even Giles was part of the good cheer, although that may have been helped along by the flammable egg nog.
Presents had been handed out, and most were thoughtful and expensive. The Council had been loaded, and the Scoobies hadn't scrimped on their salaries that year. Most of them had been so busy that they had barely spent any of the fat paychecks they were drawing, and so they had all turned around and bought everyone the best gifts that money could buy.
New wardrobes straight from elite designers in Rome, first edition books in dead languages signed by ancient authors, magical doohickies to save lives and time, and stranger things besides. Andrew had been reduced to tears when he had received a complete set of first edition, still in the box, Star Wars figurines from the combined group. Nothing said 'part of the family' to him like a present like that.
It also made Andrew feel much better about the present that he had gotten for Buffy. He had spent nearly every penny he had bidding on eBay for it, but after she had gotten him both Han Solo and Chewbacca... it didn't matter that her gift cost more than a new car. Besides, by the end, it had almost been more about winning than the gift anyway.
“Now my present, oh fearless leader,” Andrew declaimed, holding out the long, heavy package. “Prepare to feast your eyes upon the greatest present ever given, including even Obi-Wan Kenobi gifting Luke Skywalker his father's lightsaber.”
Buffy rolled her eyes, but she was in a good enough mood not to say anything about his over dramatic presentation. “What is it? And it better not be anything Star Trek related, or so help me...”
“No, no, no!” Andrew denied. “Not merely some prop forged by earthly costume artists to emulate the future that will some day come! No, this is a true object, retrieved at great effort from civilizations beyond distant stars.”
Buffy hesitated for a moment, then her curiosity took over, and, with a grin, she tore the wrapping paper to shreds. Peering inside, she frowned in confusion at the long, doubled over metal tube within. “It's very... modernish. What is it, a lamp?”
“A lamp, she says,” Andrew scoffed. “That is no mere lamp. You hold in your very hands the greatest weapon ever to fall upon the face of the earth...”
“Wouldn't that be the Scythe,” Buffy asked skeptically.
“Or a nuke,” Xander opined.
“No!” Andrew shouted. “This is better than a nuke! This was made by aliens. Aliens!”
Buffy examined it closer, before noticing a latch on one section. Toggling it, she gasped as the object unfolded into a four foot long metal staff, with a long, axe-like blade on one end. “Hey! This looks like one of those weapon thingies those Cheetos guys had.”
“You mean the Chitauri?” Willow asked, giving it a long look as well. “You're right! That is a Chitauri weapon! Where did you get it?”
“I embarked upon an epic quest, searching high and low through dangerous...” Andrew began.
“Where did you really get it?” Xander interrupted.
“eBay,” Andrew answered with a put upon sigh.
“How do you know it's the real thing?” Dawn asked. “I mean, there's probably like, a million fakes out there.”
“Ah!” Andrew said, jumping up. “A demonstration!” He scurried out of the room while the group admired the strange weapon, returning a minute later lugging a heavy length of metal. “Here, test this to prove that it is a real steel bar... um, Xander. You could probably bend it, Slayer Supreme.”
Xander grabbed the heavy bar and with a shrug tried bending it. “Yep. Can't bend it.”
“Not that that means much,” Dawn said. “You probably couldn't bend a fake.”
“Feelin' the love,” Xander replied.
“Now, hold it out!” Andrew said, talking loudly over the byplay. “No mortal weapon, excepting the great Scythe of the Slayer, or a light saber, but Warren never got that to work... No cheap prop could cut this bar in half.”
Buffy shrugged, and, after making sure that Xander had braced himself, chopped the long weapon down. It cleaved through the bar cleanly, the ends of the metal gaining a bright, polished finish from the incredibly fine cut. “Nifty,” she said. “Thanks! This is the best present ever... not that I didn't love the other presents! They were big with the greatness. Heavy with greatness. Here... anyone wanna see my shiny new toy?”
The weapon was passed around for several minutes, until Dawn noticed something. “Hey, Andrew. Do you know what this does?”
Before anyone could say anything, Dawn pressed the stud she had found. The weapon suddenly glowed blue for a moment, and began to hum. An instant later, with a piercing shriek, a bolt of blue-white light shot from the tip of the weapon, slamming into the wall. The bolt of energy blasted a six inch diameter hole in the solid stone before exploding the refrigerator in the next room.
“Oops,” Dawn said.
“My house!” Giles shouted, outraged.
“Sweet!” Buffy said, grabbing the weapon back. She pointed it at another section of wall. “What did you press?”
“No!” Giles shouted. No one listened.
“That right there,” Dawn said.
With another flash, Buffy blew a second hole in the wall. Giles looked as though he might start crying at any moment. “Andrew,” Buffy said, choked up herself. “Welcome to the family. You... you are my new best friend.”
“Hey!” Willow and Xander objected at the same time, although they immediately went back to jockeying for positon to be next to play with the weapon.
One of the younger Slayers suddenly walked in. “Hey, Andrew! Someone's here to see you. His name's Agent Sitwell. Says he's from S.H.I.E.L.D..”
“Eep,” Andrew said. Author's Notes
This is based upon the Item 47 short film that was on the Avengers DVD. This presupposes an additional item, one of the infantry rifle/melee weapons had fallen through the cracks after the battle at the end of the movie. Agent Sitwell is there to retrieve the weapon. Of course, Buffy isn't going to be too keen to give up her favorite new toy...
Anyway, Merry Christmas everyone!