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What's My Die Hard

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Summary: Detective John McClane, late of the NYPD, takes a job with the Sunnydale PD and is assigned to investigate a shooting incident at the Sunnydale High School careers day fair.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Movies > Die HardDrDamageFR1866,392310112,63912 Jan 1326 Feb 13No

Chapter Five

Disclaimer: The Die Hard franchise is the property of 20th Century Fox and Buffy the Vampire Slayer is the property of Joss Whedon/Mutant Enemy. I own nothing. Literally. Nothing.

Beta by Oxnate. Any remaining errors are mine. Mine! All mine I tell you!

Author's Note: First, special thanks to Oxnate who has agreed to beta for me. Special thanks also to Cozzie and Leelaa who recommended my story. Thanks also to everyone who reviewed; until I began writing, I had no idea how important even short reviews are to an author.

Oxnate has done beta reading on previous chapters and some updates have been made to those chapters. The updates were mostly punctuation and tense but the biggest changes were some alterations to the "Principal Rodent" speech.

---- What's My Die Hard ----

Detective McClane walked into the church after Buffy and her informant, making his badge clearly visible by hanging it around his neck on a chain. He could hear the informant's voice, but it only became clear as he drew closer.

"... Don't ever say your friend Willy don't come through in a pinch."

McClane rounded a corner to find himself in a vestibule of sorts with Buffy surrounded by four individuals next to a large pair of doors which led into the church. Two large men, faces strangely disfigured, who looked a lot like muscle; chosen by their employer for size and intimidation factor more than their brains. John mentally labelled them Muscle One and Muscle Two. The third individual was an inoffensive looking man in a suit who looked a lot like a salesman of some sort and the fourth was a red haired woman who answered the description of the woman who had shot Daniel Osborne in a failed attempt to kill Buffy.

John immediately drew his pistol, covered the woman, raised his voice and announced his presence.

"Sunnydale Police, freeze!"

Strangely, Muscle One smiled and Muscle Two laughed. 'Willy' as he called himself, began putting space between himself and the group surrounding Buffy; and the Salesman looked at John McClane incuriously. The redhead drew her own pistol. A fatal error. John had her dead to rights. He fired twice. The woman collapsed. Buffy just... moved. She almost seemed to blur.

Producing a wooden stake, Buffy thrust it into the chest of Muscle One then darted through the wide double doors that led to the church proper with the salesman in pursuit. There was a sighing sort of scream and Muscle One turned into dust, which immediately fell to the floor. John didn't have time to be astonished, however, as Muscle Two began approaching him.

"Stay where you are! I'll shoot!" John roared, to no avail. He fired twice, hitting Muscle Two in the chest both times.

"You have no idea what you're dealing with, little Police Man." Muscle two said with a laugh which exposed his teeth. His pointed teeth. With elongated... canines.

"They're not fangs. They're not fangs. John told himself as he fired three more times, hitting each time, center of mass. No effect. Muscle Two reached out and took John by the throat. Dropping his gun, John punched Muscle Two right on the nose. His blow had almost no effect and Muscle Two laughed again. Then an arrow, of all things, struck Muscle Two in the chest. John knew that the arrow had almost certainly pierced the heart of his assailant.

John watched incredulously as Muscle Two repeated the sighing scream John had heard earlier as he turned to dust.

The girl who had helped Buffy shake down Willy earlier ran past John and into the church, where the sound of fighting could be heard. John retrieved his gun, looking around to find the group from the library approaching. Rupert Giles was holding a crossbow.

Right. Backup. Always forgetting backup. John told himself then shook his head, decided astonishment could wait and headed for the double doors and into the church. Followed by Rupert Giles, Willow Rosenberg and Alexander Harris. Cordelia Chase remained in the vestibule, doing something with a tin of some sort of liquid.

The church was lit by torches and at the front of the church, a man and woman were bound together by leather straps and a rope suspended from the ceiling. There was a knife piercing the bound hands of both individuals. A blonde man with facial distortions similar to those displayed by Muscle One and Two stood between the bound couple at the front of the church and Buffy and her friend, holding both girls at bay with a censer that he was swinging at the end of a chain.

Alexander Harris acted first, addressing the Salesman.

"Hey larva boy!"

The Salesman turned his attention to Harris

"Yeah that's right. I'm talking to you you big cootie!"

The Salesman smiled and started towards Harris, who turned and fled, closing the door behind him. What happened next was shocking. The Salesman reached the door, transformed into a roughly Salesman sized pile of large maggots which collapsed to the floor and began slithering under the door. On the other side of the door, the sound of stomping and squishing could be heard.

Meanwhile, the blonde man, realizing he was outnumbered, hurled the censer at Buffy. He fled to where the bound couple was, released them, grabbed the woman in a fireman carry and leapt through the stained glass window behind where the couple had been bound in a purely impossible feat of strength and agility. Even encumbered by the woman's weight, he made the feat look easy.
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