Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy. Joss Whedon does. Wish I were him, but alas, I am not. So don't sue, cuz I have nothng.
Hope you enjoy!
Its set is season six, a dark perceptive through Buffy's eyes.
The world was painted, in grey and blacks and whites. Lifeless and monotone, this world she had been brought back into. And it left her cold. She was frozen. Stuck.
Three months ago, she died. Three months ago, the world paused to mourn her then went on. Now she was back, and the world was not as she remembered. What happened to the courage? The love? The reasons she fought? They were gone, lost to her.
She looked to her friends, to try and take their lead. To try and see how to go about life again. All she saw were broken people, barely hanging on. Just like her.The blandness was choking her. The numbness chipping away at her soul. Her heart beat, but it was dead.
Except they weren't.
They looked to her, to be their rock. Their strength. If she was unmovable, unfazed, they could make it. They wouldn't drown.But rocks sinks. They doomed her to drown.
They saw it. The cracks. They pretended not to. (Apparently not as immune to the Sunnydale Syndrome as they thought) Not to see the thrill, the need, the thirst for a fight. To not only to bring hurt, but to feel the pain as well. And in the fight, she felt. A heart beat. Flashes of colors. She could almost reach the surface.
The red. The blood. It broken the monochrome reality. Buffy could almost feel alive, as she struck out. Her body twisting and turning, in a deadly, lethal dance where only one would win. Her heart soared as the call of blood ringed in her ears.
Would it be her?
Would it be them?
Didn't matter. Everyone eventually left. So if she died, she wouldn't have to be alone.But the didn't remain forever. They faded. Her heart stopped.
And like an addict, she needed a stronger high. One she found in Spike. The pain wasn't just physical. It was mental. Emotional. It sickened her on every level what she did with him, but she couldn't stop. She rather feel sick, and pain, then feel nothing.She sucking in the water, wanting to drown now.
A distraction. It's what he was to her and she thinks it's guilt she is feeling when he says he loved her. The guilt is soothed by the fact that his love coudn't be true. She knew that couldn't be true.Unbeating hearts can't love.
She didn't love him. She loved the pain. It made the dull world feel bright. Even if it was killing what little bit of herself there was.She felt the fire. Oranges. Reds. Yellows. But even that couldn't stop the water from pulling her back under.
Eventually, she has to stop. His words, his affections. It makes it hurt too much. It was a type of pain, she couldn't bear. So she stops, and forgets it ever happened. Tossing it to the back of her mind, and she forces herself to focus on the black, white and grey world in front of her.
She focuses on her friends, and her family. Trying to smile, for them. For their sake's because she didn't care about her own.So fast, she almost missed it. Colors. Not fire. Not pain. But love.
Slowly her friends, help her pick up the pieces. Fill the cracks in her heart. Sometimes, it's enough. Sometimes, it's not.But it's all I have. She's just beneath the surface.
She was invisible. She could die and no one would notice. Or would they? Would they care?
Did she?Time for a choice.
And for the first time, Buffy doesn't need pain to feel.She kicks to the surface. Her heart continues beating, and the color comes back.
And Buffy released the breath she is holding in.
"I don't want to die."
RRs are appreciated.