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What Every Starship Captain Needs

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Summary: Challenged to come as she's not, Buffy dresses up as a certain Scottish Miracle Worker.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Star Trek > Star Trek - The Original SeriesReallyBoredFR1313,1542244,19530 Jan 1330 Jan 13No
Disclaimer: I own NOTHING HERE! Joss Whedon and his group own Buffy The Vampire Slayer. The late Gene Roddenberry can be thanked for giving us Star Trek. Paramount Studios own the rights to it. This is a Halloween crossover fic, in short--IF YOU RECOGNIZE IT, IT'S NOT MINE!



Howdy-do! Today I've decided to post a Halloween fic where the characters and costumes are a little more on the classic Star Trek side.

I hope when you read it, you enjoy it.

Thank you, and on with the story.




Challenged to come as she's not, Buffy dresses up as a certain Scottish Miracle Worker.






What Every Starship Captain Needs



The Wee Lass


"Honestly, I don't understand what you're getting at, Xander."

The only male Scooby gave Buffy a sad, and brief, little smile. "What I'm getting at, Buffy . . .Is that while you're eager to stuff Willow into a costume that's a direct opposite of what she is, you're cheating and going as a two hundred year old version of you. An upper class, fashionable young woman--That costume is essentially an eighteenth century you! So, hey, Buffster! Whatever happened to the 'come as you aren't night'?"

Willow shot Xander a grateful look. "He's right, Buffy. This dress is you--In, in an every day kind of way, you know?"

Buffy's disbelieving eyes darted from one friend to another. She really wanted that dress! However--Maybe, it was Willow's infamous resolved face, but she finally, reluctantly, caved. "Fine!" Buffy threw her hands up in defeat. "I'll get something else!"

"Ehem!" Xander cleared his throat. "If you chose your own costume, how do we know you won't cheat again?"

"Because I won't!" Buffy growled. "Besides! If you got a better idea--Other then spandex!" She warned sharply. "Then let's hear it!"

Xander grinned and nodded. Making Buffy's stomach sink in dread. He turned towards one of the racks, pausing only to check if what he saw earlier was still there, and gave a small smirk of triumph when he pulled out the burgundy red, white and black costume and presented it to Buffy with a flourish.

She accepted it numbly, and blinked when she read the identifying tag on it. "Oh, you've got to be kidding me . . ."

"Nope!" Xander gleefully assured her. He then helpfully pointed out--"And look, Buffy! It's just your size!"

Buffy grimaced in distaste.

Xander secretly acknowledged having a sadistic streak in him--How else could he enjoy throwing a spanner, into a two hundred and forty-something year old vampire's plans, for a home-alone-evening with a sixteen year old girl? He watched the little blond's crestfallen face for a moment, knowing for certain, Buffy's unofficial 'date' with that pedophilic, animated corpse was going to be canceled. Xander knew Buffy would never allow herself to be seen by her 'love interest' in the unflattering, and thoroughly unfeminine, costume he had chosen for her.

So, score . . .Ever-so-cool Xander: 1. Gelled up Corpse: 0.

However, there was something else he had to correct . . .

Reaching back into the racks he pulled out another near twin costume to the one he had given Buffy. He handed the second one to Willow--Who squealed with delight upon reading the tag.

Xander's self-congratulations screeched to a halt, when Willow's wide glistening eyes pinned him with a pleading look. Aw, crap! Xander cursed to himself, knowing what she wanted. Inwardly cringing at the cost, Xander briefly regretting getting involved. He forced a smile on his face and went back to the racks, and found a larger, matching costume.

At least, Xander thought resigned, and feeling a little sheepish, I'll be prepared for the upcoming Con!




"Come on, Sweetie! A big smile for the camera, alright?" Joyce Summers cajoled her only child. Buffy stood in costume, bracketed by her two best friends.

"No!" Came the sullen response.

"Come on, Buffster!" Xander nudged her from the side with his elbow. A big smile fixed on his face. "Smile, even if you don't mean it. Better yet--Think cheese . . .Big, big wheel of cheese!"

"Don't wanna! This costume sucks!"

"Language, Buffy." Joyce gentle chided, but with a hard warning underneath it.

"Come on, Buffy! You don't see me complaining about my costume, do you?" Willow piped up.

"That's 'cause you're going as a doctor!" Buffy shot back enraged. "And your character didn't have an enormous beerbelly!"


Buffy grimaced, shuffled her feet, pouted, and finally surrendered. "Fine . . .fine." She murmured.

Buffy looked up into the camera, and bared her teeth. Joyce quickly snapped the picture. She looked at her daughter in amusement, and said, "There Buffy . . .Not at all painful was it, Sweetie?"

"Yes, mom. Yes, it was--Excruciatingly painful." Buffy insisted past her teeth.

Joyce smirked over her teenager's antics. "Don't you think you ought to get going now, dear?"

"Ah, yeah, the little troll man might give us life long detention for being, like, five minutes late." Buffy said, snidely. "Come on, guys. The sugar fueled ones await!"

The Scoobies said their good byes, and walked outside. A few feet down the walkway, Xander stopped, and clapped his hands together, "Oh, man! I forgot!"

"Uh, Xander?" Willow stopped walking and looked at her male friend in surprise. "What did you forget?"

"A back story!" Xander exclaimed, gleefully.

Buffy, who had wandered away a foot or two and was sullenly examining the dark spaces between bushes, snapped her head up to stare hard at Xander.

"Oooh, a back story . . .I like that." Willow said, her eyes shinning in delight. "What's it going to be?"

Xander rubbed his hands together, and grinned. "Well . . ." he drawled. "Seeing as who we're dressed as . . .This is AFTER Kirk dies. Spock is somewhere in mourning, Uhura has family business to take care of. Chekov is off on a mission. Sooo, that leaves the three of us--Sulu, McCoy, and Scott to accept the invitation to check out the recovered, and upgraded, HMS Bounty."

"Uh?" Buffy frowned in confusion.

"Oh, right . . .Buffy you're not into Star Trek too much, are you?" Willow said.

An answering snort encouraged Willow to explain.

"The HMS Bounty was a Klingon B'rel-class Bird-of-Prey; they captured it in the Search for Spock movie. They later crashed it into San Francisco Bay in the Voyage Home movie." Willow became thoughtful. "I doubt Starfleet would have left it in the Bay--Aside from not polluting, or you know, trashing up the Bay, the ship was a valuable intelligence resource. Fixing it up and upgrading it would have been a given . . .because, well, engineers are engineers, and the HMS Bounty was a fun toy."

"Exactly." Xander nodded.

Buffy rolled her eyes up. "Whatever."

"And," Willow continued enthusiastically. "We're here, in a different Universe, because while flying the Bounty around, checking its upgrades, we were pulled into this dimension by a mysterious Force, for some unknown purpose. But that's okay, we--That means you, Scotty, the Miracle Worker--figured out a way to get us back home. The only reason we're walking around Sunnydale, is because we needed a few things for repairs. Because we didn't cross over completely unscathed--But, thankfully, the damage wasn't too bad. And since it's Halloween, we could safely walk around in our uniforms without being discovered. We've already collected everything we need; we just have to get back to the ship. Where, you, Scotty, will complain it will take forever to fix things, but will repair everything in a few minutes!"

"Then we're off--Back to the late twenty-third century!" Xander crowed.

Xander and Willow stared expectantly at Buffy. Buffy wanted to walk away at that point, to protest being made into the fat, hairy faced guy. Inwardly, Buffy cringed at the amount of ammunition she was handing to Cordelia. However, it suddenly came to Buffy that her friends supported her continuously on a daily, and nightly, base--Was playing along, even with Cordelia's threatened mockery, such a big hardship? Buffy stared at her friends animated faces, and decided no, not really. Okay, then. Not that she wanted to play, but Buffy decided to go along with their ridiculous game. "Okay. But where did you--We park the ship?"

Xander and Willow turned to look at each other, then looked back at Buffy. "The football field, Buf-er-Scotty!" Said Xander.

Buffy blinked. "Does this mean I have to call you 'Sulu', and Willow 'Bones'?" Buffy said, carefully.

"Yep!" Xander chirped. He pulled himself up, arms to his side and formally bowed. "Captain Alexander 'Xander' Sulu, or in Asia, Sulu Alexander, at your service, Scotty!"

"Oh, um, Willow, Doctor Willow 'Bones' McCoy--Hi! Scotty!"

Buffy's eyes narrowed, then she smirked. "Captain Buffy Anne Scott, or Scotty. Please to meet you!"

"Er, Scotty? Shouldn't you be talking with a Scottish accent?" Xander pointed out. He quickly backpedaled when Buffy's cold eye landed on him. "Oh, um, maybe not . . ." he coughed. "Fellow Starfleet officers--Shall we resume our mission?"

Willow nodded. Buffy gave a suffering sigh. "Yeah, let's go--Can't have Snyder foaming at the mouth, can we. 'Cause then, we'll have to shoot him. For the good of the public health and all." Buffy added with a savage, happy grin.

With that pleasant image inserted in their heads, the Scoobies, in a happier mood, headed off to their High school, prepared to sacrifice a few hours of their lives for the sake of their civic duties.

If they only knew . . .




Buffy awoke in pain. She was certain some vamp had tried to break her head open with a pickaxe. Proving it, a wave of pain crested and broke over her, leaving her whimpering and weak. No, she was wrong--Not just her head, but her ENTIRE body had been thoroughly worked over. How was she alive then? At that moment, she really was not appreciating that fact.

"Xander, she's coming to!"

OH, GOD! Buffy upgraded the pickaxe to a jackhammer. And, why again was she still alive? 'Cause the pain? Not of the good! Not of the good! Buffy felt like she was wrapped in, and swaddled in a blanket of pain. However, no matter how bad the pain, a good runner up for the 'WORSE' was an incredible surge of nausea that made her want to--! She was going to--! An unexpected pressure on her neck, and a hiss, and everything subsided to a manageable level.

"Buffy? Can you hear me?"

Huh, that sounded like Willow, Buffy thought, hazily. Good ol' Bones. Always there with the hangover relief. Buffy snapped into clarity--Where the hell did that come from?!

Suddenly someone else's memories slammed into her, like a kick to her gut--And Buffy ought to know how that felt like . . .The demon she had fought the night before had been big on the kicking!

"Huuhhhh," she responded, groggily. Hearing herself, Buffy thought she could do better then that--She decided to try again, in spite of the fact her tongue felt like a slab of dry sandstone. "W-Wil-low?"

Buffy could feel . . .she concentrated, and--Oh, someone was holding her hand. It had to be Willow.

"Xander! Buffy's awake!"


"What was that, Buffy? Oh! Water! Just-just a moment . . .Here, careful, now."

Buffy felt the straw poke through her dry lips into her straight out desiccated mouth. She was never more grateful then when the cool liquid slid down her throat. Buffy sucked greedily at the straw until nothing more came out of it.

"Thank you, Willow." Buffy gasped out. What had happened to her? She had never felt so weak before in her entire life! Deciding to give it a go, Buffy opened her eyes. Except, the smooth motion of a lifetime failed to happen--Her eyelids felt like they were glued down . . .And, when she finally did pry them loose, her eyeballs felt scratchy and they burned. There was an almost painful blur of white and red in front of her.

"Let me dim the lights here, Buffy."

"That, that would be appreciated." Buffy said haltingly. She closed her eyes for a moment, and reopened them to a view of Willow's concern face hovering over her.

"Hey, how are you feeling? Hurt anywhere?"

"Feel like crap. And my eyelashes hurt, Willow"

"Ah, I could give you something more for the pain." Willow said. She frowned. "But I've already given you something--And, this close together, I'm not sure it's a good idea. Then again, that recommendation would apply only to baseline Humans--You, on the other hand . . ."

"Eh? What are you talking about, Willow?" Buffy was somewhat confused and alarmed.

Willow blushed, and began fidgeting. "Well, it's just, it's just that the diagnostic equipment around here is telling me that, that I'm not treating a baseline Human. Oh, you're Human!" Willow hastily added, noting Buffy's rising alarm. "But not Homo sapien. You're a different species of Human, Buffy."

A moment of silence followed, where only the machines' hum could be heard. "Oh," Buffy said.

"Oh?" Willow repeated, slightly puzzled.

"Yeah," Buffy confirmed. "It explains so many things." She got a thoughtful look on her face. "Did you check yourself and Xander?"

Willow blushed again, and nodded. "We, we're like you, Buffy."

"Again, that explains loads of stuff. Does Xander know?"

Willow slowly nodded. "Yes. I told him."

"He took it well, I hope."

Willow considered, and shrugged. "Better then I expected."

"Ah." Buffy suddenly felt the pressure and 'hiss' of a hypospray. Ah, the promised pain killer. As her body relaxed, Buffy had another question. "Willow?"


"Why are we in a working Star Trek set? Not that I'm gonna panic or anything--For all I know this could be a dream. I've had them you know . . .Really vivid dreams since becoming a Slayer. But answer the question, okay?"

"Ahhh . . ."

The sound of hurrying footsteps intervened. "Sorry, sorry I'm late! Buffy! You're awake!"

"Aaand I'll let Xander explain!"

Xander standing there, in his Starfleet uniform, smiled uncertainly. His eyes darting between Buffy and Willow. "Um, explain what exactly?"

"Why we are in a Star Trek set?" Buffy chirped. Her calm was artificial--Whatever was in that hypospray was keeping her from screaming hysterics--At least for the moment. For that she was grateful.

Behind his tan, Xander grew pale. "Oh. Ah, Buffster . . .What is the last thing you remember?" He asked her.

Buffy frowned and winced. "We turned into our costumes, didn't we?"

"Yeah," Xander confirmed. "What else do you remember?"

"After that, we, we followed the back story we prepared before we got to school." Buffy swallowed hard and closed her eyes. "The-THIS ship! It was under cloak, on the football field! We boarded it--"

"A good thing Ethan Raynes was so generous with his freebees." Xander commented sarcastically, anger lacing his words. "Without those free accessories he gave us--The communicators and phasers--, we would never would have been able to contact this ship, or defend ourselves without hurting or killing someone."

Willow sighed and nodded grimly.

Buffy opened up her eyes and stared out. "Thanks to the back story, we had the things we needed to repair the ship. We--God! I can't believe this!--lifted off, achieved orbit, and scanned below us for the power source we believed brought us to this dimension against our will. We had a plan to remove it with our transporter, stick it out in space, like a target, blow it up with our disruptors, while we were in motion, and slip into the dimensional rift its destruction would have created before it closed for good. We would have surfed the energy wave all the way home. Home . . ."

Buffy's were wide--Willow's hypospray no match for her rising panic. "Xander! Please tell me we're not in the Star Trek Universe! Please!" She begged.

"Buffy . . .is that all you can remember?" Xander asked gently. At Buffy's nod, Xander sighed and resume the story. "After we enter the rift, the ship began fading around us--But so did you! You were screaming, you were screaming like you were being torn to pieces and fading--And expanding too. The change got to the point that you suddenly became this thick, black fog-like thing. And then, you shot out black, smoky tendrils in every direction--At that point, the ship began solidifying again. We were safe. You contracted, and became your Buffy shaped self again. You dropped to the deck unconscious, and stayed like that until now."

"As for where, and when, we are," Xander paused, and grimaced. "We are still in the Sol system. But not in the late twenty-third century . . .The year is still 1997, but the date is November 3d." Buffy winced. "We're not in the Star Trek Universe, because in their timeline, the Eugenic War was in full swing around this time. But it's relatively quiet out there right now. However . . .Say, Buffy. Ever heard of a city called Santa Barbara, California? Oh, about two hours away from LA?"

"Uh, no . . .Can't really remember any city with that name," Buffy confessed, confused. Why was Xander asking that question? "Is it south, or east of LA?"

"Noooo, Buffster. Actually, it's two hours north of LA, right where Sunnydale is suppose to be. And we know, because we're parked under cloak, at the outskirts of Santa Barbara!" Xander stretched his mouth in a mirthless smile. "So, you see, Buffy. We're not in the Star Trek Universe, but we sure ain't in ours!"

Buffy stared into Xander's brown eyes, said only two things--"Oh, sh-!"





There you go. The Scoobies went as their own twisted versions of classic Star Trek characters.

The left over tech is courtesy of Sineya--In most Halloween fics, where ships or other goodies are left over, there's rarely an explanation on why or how. There's usually a 'they were out in space, or some other hostile environment when the spell broke' line. But Ethan Raynes didn't seem like he cared very much about other people's safety, at least not enough to put in a safety clause like that into his spell. Because a deity LIKES a particular character doesn't really work well either. Unless they're getting some serious return rates on their investment, a powerful deity dumping a load of valuable energy on a single individual is unlikely. Worse, the deity allowing that character to go about their own business without supervision--Hey, remember, the gods like to meddle in mortal lives, right? So, after a generous 'gift' like that, expect them to be about demanding 'favors', and turning the recipient's life inside out. So, seriously, can't say that'll work in the long run.

The Scoobies don't have that problem--No, their problem is they're seriously lost!

Where, oh, where are the poor little Scoobies?

Hmmmm, sorry, but I haven't decided which Universe they're going to be in yet. That's why I ended the story where I did. Oh, and while Canon Buffy would have likely said 'Crap!', under the circumstances, I'd like to think Buffy would have broken out a stronger word.

Thanks for reading--Good-bye!

The End?

You have reached the end of "What Every Starship Captain Needs" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 30 Jan 13.

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