I’m Not A Loser.By Dave Turner.
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I write these stories for fun not profit.
Crossover: Non-xover, however there are several references to ‘Ghost Whisperer’ and ‘True Lies’.
Spelling, Punctuation, and Grammar; Written in glorious English-English which is different to American-English.
Timeline: A ‘Faith in the Army’ story set after the events depicted in ‘A Walk on the Wild Side’.
Words: 13 Chapters each of 2500+ words.
Warnings: Look out for Black-clad Ninjas with guns!
Summary: A Faith in the Army story; Buffy’s pregnant and someone is trying to kill or kidnap her. Chief Warrant Officer Lehane is assigned to do close protection detail.0=0=0=0 No, you don't want a boyfriend.
What you want is Mr. Spock,
To come to your wasteland,
And destroy the robot.
Something more than human,
someone with blood that's cold and green.
You want something better than me.*
*: ‘Mr Spock’: Nerf Herder.0=0=0=0The Prologue.The house that once belonged to Xander Harris, Cleveland, May 2009.
Sitting on an up turned packing crate, Xander stared at the legal documents in his hand without really seeing them. A tear rolled down his face and fell onto the paper smudging some of the neatly typed words making them hard to read. It didn’t matter whether the words were smudged or not, for all it’s legalise the documents held tightly in Xander’s hand said one thing and one thing only.‘Xander Harris, you are royally screwed.’
His life had fallen apart so quickly he’d almost lost his breath at the speed at which everything had turned to crap. First his latest girlfriend had, with an inevitability that had grown tedious over the years, turned out to be a demon with some convoluted plan to get at Buffy through him. What the demon had hoped to achieve he didn’t know, he just wasn’t that important to Buffy’s life anymore.
“Buffy…” he sighed and smiled as he thought of happier times.
Of course Robin had sent a couple of Slayers to deal with his ‘ex’; two pretty, polite girls who looked at him with pitying eyes obviously asking themselves how he could have fallen so deeply in love with yet another monster. They’d killed the love of his life right there in the back yard, he’d watched from the kitchen before going out and getting insanely drunk.
Then it had all been down hill from there; he’d started drinking…a lot. He’d lost interest in his work, he’d missed payments to the bank for the mortgage on his house. Eventually he stopped paying them anything as his business went under and he ran out of money. Finally the bank repossessed the house and tomorrow morning he needed to be out of it.
At first Robin had been considerate; he’d kept Xander on retainer work at the Cleveland Slayer House; this way he’d always had some money and a hot meal when he needed it. But the retainer was never enough to keep Xander’s head above water as he slipped further and further into insolvency. Eventually even Robin had realised that he was just enabling an addict and told Xander that unless he cleaned up his act he was no longer welcome at the Slayer House.
So that was it, his last connection with the world of slayers and monsters broken, how things had changed. In less than ten years he’d gone from a vital piece of the slayer organisation to useless, penniless drunk. A bark of bitter laughter escaped his lips as he thought about his one time friends. None of them had screwed up as badly as he had, even Faith was a success, now who’d have believed that back in good old Sunny’D’?
Buffy had married ‘Captain America’ and was now the pregnant, dutiful wife…Mrs ‘Colonel Riley’ Finn. Willow was screwing Faith…that was just so wrong! Xander shook his head in disgust; Faith had tried to kill Willow f’christ’s sake! Now she was opening her legs for the slutty slayer on a nightly basis, it was disgusting. Giles, again Xander laughed bitterly; Giles his one good man-friend from Sunnydale had gone back to England, land of tea and crumpets, where he had all the little slayer girls dancing in attendance on him. Yes even Giles had a girlfriend, Xander screwed up his face as he tried to remember the woman’s name but couldn’t. Just what did it say about Xander Harris when even stuffy, oh-so-British Giles could get a hot, completely human
woman into bed with him and he couldn’t.
For several minutes, he just sat there trying to work out where his life had gone wrong. Had it been Willow’s fault for deserting him and going off with wolf-boy? What about Cordy who’d refused to let him apologise over that little mistake with Willow? Then of course there was Anya who couldn’t see that getting married would have been such a huge mistake for both of them.
No, it was none of them, or the seemingly endless stream of demon girls who’d arrived on the Hellmouth to ensnare him in their plans. He of course had fallen for every one of them. It hadn’t been his fault, they’d all been so attractive and willing to pander to his every need, he’d never seen through them until it was almost too late. Only then would a couple of slayers turn up to help him with the break up and with moping up the blood and demon goo afterwards.
So why was his life such a screw-up? Why was he sitting in an empty, dark house with one bag of clothes to his name before moving into a cheap motel? Suddenly it came to him, his life had started to turn to crap the day Buffy Summers had walked so seductively into his life only to rejected him. Now it became clear to him; Buffy had ruined his relationship with Willow. She’d always been there screwing with his mind every time he got a girl there’d always be three people in the relationship; Buffy had always been a the back of his mind. He sat on his crate for some time remembering every time Buffy had rejected him or worse, seemed like she’d liked him only to cast him aside the next time some cool looking vamp-guy swept into town.
“Bitch!” Xander snarled as he crushed the documents that he’d still been holding in his hand.
He’d make her pay…in fact he’d make them all pay everyone that had ever screwed with his life would regret it. Tossing the crumpled up paper to one side, Xander stumbled into his old bedroom and went over to one of the built in closets. Pulling the carpet to one side, he knelt down and opened a secret compartment in the floor, as he searched for something he’d almost forgotten about over the years. Reaching inside he brought forth a large leather bound tome and a small leather pouch. These were both souvenirs from his time in Africa…they’d all needed him then, so why didn’t they need him now?
The book was a book of ancient African magic written down by some Brit occultist in the 1850’s, it was rumoured to contain the original spell that had made the first slayer. He’d never been able to read the book himself as it’d been written in some sort of code. He’d meant to hand it over to Willow or Giles but somehow it’d always slipped his mind.
The pouch contained several tens of hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of uncut diamonds. He laughed humourlessly as he poured the pebble-like stones into his palm. He had enough money there to live quite comfortably while he drank himself to death, but he could never sell the stones. These were illegal ‘blood diamonds’, originally dug up to finance any one of the myriad little wars going on in Africa, no reputable dealer would touch them.
Placing the stones back into their pouch, Xander smiled, he knew some disreputable dealers who’d touch them. While they couldn’t afford to buy them all they’d buy a few, it would give him enough money to live on while he organised the rest of the plan that was slowly forming in his mind. There were people from his old Sunnydale days who’d happily take payment in uncut, illegal diamonds for what he wanted them to do.
By the time he’d finished with her Buffy would come crawling to him on hands and knees begging him to let her be his slave. Smiling, Xander got to his feet and walked back into the living room where his rucksack lay. Stuffing the book and the diamonds in with his clothes he swung the bag up onto his shoulder. After taking one last look around the place he’d planned on spending the rest of his life, he headed towards the door. He started to whistle a jaunty tune as he walked down the street and never once looked back.0=0=0=0The road between Fort Drum and Grandview, New York State, June 2009.
The journey from Fort Drum, where Lt Colonel Riley Finn was stationed, was only a one hour drive from Grandview where Colonel and Mrs Finn had their new home. This was why Riley could get home most evenings and weekends (operations permitting). Since he’d lost his right leg below the knee back in Iraq (he’d been out chasing Hellhounds when his Humvee had driven over a mine) he’d been the commanding officer of the 613th Independent Ranger Battalion, the army’s anti-monster squad. This meant that he now rarely went out on operations and mostly worked a nine ‘til five life.
Knowing that she’d never make it back to Grandview without stopping, Buffy turned to Willow, who was driving the family SUV because Buffy couldn’t squeeze behind the wheel anymore and shifted uneasily in her seat.
“Willow,” Buffy cried apologetically, “we’re going to have to stop…soon.”
“Junior using your bladder as a trampoline again?” Willow glanced down at Buffy’s huge bump and scowled as if she could see the baby inside her friend, “I’m so going to embarrass you when you’re a teenager for treating your mom like this!”
“Willow?” the pained expression on Buffy’s face grew as the need to pee got stronger.
“Don’t worry,” Willow looked quickly at her friend to gauge how desperate she was; on a scale of one to ten, she guessed Buffy was on about an eleven. “There’s a gas station around the next bend.”
Grinning to herself, Willow sighed; these days when she went out with Buffy she made a mental note of the location of every restroom they passed. Sure enough after negotiating the bend in the road, they saw the gas station nestled under the trees. Driving onto the forecourt, Willow parked the SUV as near to the gas station’s very own diner as she could; no doubt there’d be a restroom inside. As soon as she’d stopped, Willow heard Buffy’s door open, looking over at her friend she saw her struggling to get out of her seat. Opening her own door, Willow hurried ‘round to Buffy’s side to help her out.
“Darn-it,” Buffy complained as she took hold of Willow’s hands as she squeezed out of the SUV, “here I am slayer strength, scourge of the demon world and not able to get out of my own car without help!”
“You sure you’ve not got a football team in there?” Willow asked as she pulled Buffy out of the car (she half expected to hear a cork popping sound as Buffy came free).
“Oh please don’t make me laugh!” Buffy started to waddle towards the diner.
“No laughing!” Willow smiled as she saw her friend head for the diner, “I remember what happened last time!”
Still grinning, Willow turned back to the SUV as Buffy disappeared inside the restaurant; looking around the forecourt she noticed a black panel van pull in behind them. Not thinking too much about anything, other than perhaps how much fun it was going to be being ‘Auntie Willow’ to Buffy and Riley’s baby. She didn’t notice that the driver of the panel van made no move to get out of his vehicle to buy gas or do anything else other than just sit there.
Five minutes later Buffy reappeared and Willow helped her get back into her seat. Running ‘round the SUV again, Willow didn’t notice that the driver of the van had started his engine as soon as Buffy had become visible again. Starting the SUV’s own motor, Willow drove them back out onto the road and turned the vehicle towards Grandview once more.
“It’s so nice out here,” Willow commented as she drove them between the bright green spring trees that lined the roadside, “so nice and fresh an’ healthy, more colourful than California and way nicer than Cleveland.”
“But just as cold as Cleveland in the winter,” North-eastern winters had come as a shock to Buffy’s system. “But otherwise, yeah I like it here.”
“Still with the settling down?” Willow asked.
“Yeah,” Buffy nodded her head, “why not? Husband now, baby on the way,” Buffy rubbed her tummy, “what more could a semi-retired slayer want?”
“As long as you don’t get bored,” Willow warned.
“Bored? Hey,” Buffy grinned, “as soon as this one’s out and walking I’ll be willing to do some light slaying before number two comes along, you know, stay in shape.”
“Whoa girl!” Willow laughed, “Not had the first one yet and you’re already planning on a little watcher or slayer for her?”
“How do you know it’s a girl?” Buffy asked, the sonograms had been oddly inconclusive and Buffy and Riley weren’t sure of the sex of their child.
“Hey look,” Willow said seriously, “I’m a witch I know stuff, okay? And apart from anything else, Summers women seem to produce daughters.”
“Well I want at least one boy so Riley has someone to take to ball games or however father’s bond with their sons.” Buffy pointed out.
“No reason he can’t take a daughter to a ball game,” Willow pointed out.
“Not the same thing, Will,” Buffy observed.
“Hey,” Willow glanced in the rear view mirror to see a black van come up behind them, “get close why don’t ya?”
“What’s wrong?” Buffy twisted in her seat to see the van right on their tail; it flashed its headlights at them.
“Okay, okay,” Willow muttered slightly annoyed at the other driver’s antics, “the road’s clear buster, if you wanna overtake, overtake already!”
Slowing down Willow pulled over to let the van go by; it roared passed them only to come to a screeching halt a few dozen yards ahead of them. Standing on the brakes, Willow brought the SUV to a halt before they hit the now stationary van.
“What the hell!” Willow already had her door open; she was going to give the van driver a piece of her mind, the piece that would turn him into a worm!
Just as Willow was stepping out onto the verge the van’s rear doors burst open as half a dozen figures dressed completely in black leapt from the van and started to run towards the SUV.
“What the heck!” Willow gasped as the figures got closer and she saw the guns in their hands.
Raising her hand, palm outwards, Willow sent the first two ninjas flying through the air. They hit the van with a loud bang and fell to the ground unconscious. Looking over to Buffy’s side of the SUV she saw a ninja tug open the door and reach inside. There was a startled yelp as a small fist connected with the ninja’s nose and spread it all over his face. The man clutched at his ruined face and staggered backwards leaving a trail of blood on the tarmac. For just a second Willow grinned, Buffy might be eight months pregnant and not able to move quite as fast as she once could; but she could still punch.
With three of their number down and out so quickly the remaining ninjas paused in their assault. Willow took advantage of their hesitation by muttering some Latin under her breath. Thick clouds of grey smoke billowed up from under the SUV as she climbed in behind the steering wheel and slammed her door shut.
“DOOR!” Willow yelled as she turned the ignition and the engine caught immediately; by now she’d lost sight of the commandos in the clouds of thick smoke that hung around the SUV, with any luck the ninjas would have lost track of the car too; you can’t attack what you can’t see.
After using the door to hit a ninja who’d decided to take another shot at grabbing hold of her, Buffy slammed the door shut as Willow put the SUV into drive. They sped off down the road leaving the smoke cloud behind them.
“You okay?” Willow asked as she floored the accelerator and hunched over the steering wheel like some sort of insane, maniac, driving demon.
“I’m fine,” Buffy called back, “but I think I broke a nail!”
“Phone,” Willow urged the SUV to go faster, obediently it complied.
“Phone?” Automatically Buffy started to search for her cellphone.
“They were human, Buffy,” Willow glanced in the rear view mirror and saw that there was no one following and eased up on the speed a little, “call the police.”
“Human?” Buffy turned in her seat to look back the way they’d come as her thumb automatically dialled nine-one-one, “Bastards,” she said as she raised the phone to her ear, “Sorry not you!” she apologised to the operator, “Police please, I’d like to report an attempted kidnapping.”
After receiving instructions from the operator, Buffy closed up her phone and looked at Willow.
“Why would anyone human want to kidnap you, Willow?” Buffy asked more than a little confused.
“Me?” Willow glanced at her friend, “You’re the pregnant wife of an important army officer and the longest surviving slayer…and you think they were after me?”
“Yeah,” admitted Buffy before thinking about this for a moment, “but when you put it like that though…”
“You sure you’re okay?” Willow asked again as she frowned at her friend, “You didn’t bang your head or anything?”
“No I’m fine,” Buffy shook her head trying to clear it of her jumbled thoughts, “its being pregnant that does it, I can’t seem to think straight.”0=0=0=0