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Non-Caped Xander

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Summary: The mini-Slayers come to Buffy with concerns about the latest metahuman. Crackfic.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
BtVS/AtS Non-Crossover > Comedy > Xander-Centered(Current Donor)mmoochFR1318710162,95724 Feb 1324 Feb 13Yes
Non-Caped Xander
Summary: The mini-Slayers come to Buffy with concerns about the latest metahuman. Crackfic.

Timeline: post series but no comics; vague mentions of various Marvel characters. Wouldn’t really call it a crossover, though. If I’m wrong, I’m sure the mods will tell me.

Warning: Not meant to be taken too seriously!

A/N: Brought to you by conversations with RL friends…blame them!

Thanks to my betas: nope

Disclaimer: BtVS/AtS characters belong to Joss Whedon/Mutant Enemy. I claim no rights to any copyrighted material. Please do not copy or take this story without my permission.



Slayer Headquarters

Buffy just finished the weekly schedule for Slayer patrols when two of her favorite minis burst into the room, babbling excitedly.

“We’ve got a potential spandex problem!” Sarah announced.

The phrase ‘spandex problem’ was kind of a code around the Council. Ever since different groups of costumed heroes went public around the US – and why did they mostly seem to center in that geographic area anyway when population-wise and landmass-wise made that area comparatively small? – the newly re-established Council was afraid that they’d get drawn into human conflicts because their girls would be considered so-called ‘metahumans’ by the good guys, bad guys or governments.

Buffy had turned down the offer to join some group that flew around in a balloon or something, barely managing not to burn any bridges by comparing them to the Initiative. Faith took care of some magnet guy who thought he could force them to join his people. He must have not realized that a group of enhanced girls wouldn’t like joining something called the ‘Brotherhood of” anything. Faith wasn’t so diplomatic in her refusal.

“What is it this time?” Buffy asked wearily. “Some nutjob decide that one of our girls would make a great queen for him?”

Michelle shook her head, “No. It’s Xander!”

Not realizing how much it made her look like the head Watcher, Buffy pinched her nose in frustration. The spandex brigade turned Xander and Andrew into even bigger fanboys. It got to the point where their section of the building was soundproofed so everyone else wouldn’t have to listen to their debates about who the greatest heroes or the scariest villains were. “What now?” she repeated.

“He’s running around in a costume,” Michelle answered nervously.

Sarah added the kicker, “And it looks like he actually has powers…sort of.”

Immediately, Buffy sat up straight. “How?! Did he make a wish?” she growled out, thinking that if he did, she’d use Olaf’s hammer to smack some sense into him.

Sarah quickly shook her head. “No! It sounds like it happened naturally. Or maybe supernaturally?” she corrected herself in an unsure voice.

“What do you mean?” their leader asked in a slightly calmer tone.

“Well, you’ve told us all stories before about how perceptions can warp reality…” Michelle began.

“Oh geez,” Buffy groaned. “Who is he? ‘The One Who Sees’?”

Both girls looked confused. “Who?” they asked in unison.

“Something a bad guy called him once,” Buffy replied. “Umm, ‘The White Knight’?” she asked, then added when the confused look appeared again, “Angelus called him that once. Xander told me about it one night when he was drunk. Oh, ‘The Heart of the Scoobies’? Eww, that’d be a gross costume!” she muttered to herself. The girls shook their head a third time, wondering where all these titles came from that they never heard before.

Buffy was wracking her brains, trying to think of anything else he might have been called over the years and was about to make another guess when her office’s air conditioner unit started rattling.

Michelle pulled Sarah away from the door in anticipation of a certain person’s arrival.

Less than ten seconds later, the door burst open and Xander stood there wearing blue jeans, a blue t-shirt and his tool belt.

“Thank goodness you’re here, Xand,” Buffy started to say, “The girls are telling me the craziest story about you becoming a--”

That was as far as she got before he leapt across the room to the A/C unit. “Stand back, ladies. This is a job for…” he spun around several times in superspeed, then stopped in what should have been a heroic pose so he could finish his sentence, “SuperXander!”

Buffy was torn between a face palm and bursting out in laughter at the image in front of her. She took several calming breaths while she watched her best friend repair the faulty unit. When he turned around again, she finally felt in control enough to ask the question she needed an answer to, “Why do you have plungers coming out of your ears?”

“Because a building super should always carry the tool of his trade!” Xander proclaimed. He cupped a hand to one of his…plungers, then announced, “There’s a clog in the west dorm’s shower. SuperXander is needed elsewhere!” With that, he zoomed out of the room, leaving the three Slayers speechless.

At least they were speechless for a couple seconds. After that, Sarah commented with a grimace, “I don’t think I want to see how he handles a clogged toilet if the plungers stay on his head.”



Additional Disclaimer: part of the ‘hero’ costume is thanks to the greatest non-superhero hero ever… Larryboy ! He’s a character from Veggie Tales by Big Idea Productions. I say non-hero because in the films about him, it’s somebody else who has to defeat the big bad. He is a hero in that he takes care of the minor criminals, though.

 photo larryboy1.jpg  photo 6X05LS0617.jpg

Combo fanart from christytrekkie!
 photo _0a-axanderbuildera22.jpg

A/N: A chat with some real life friends (and the puns they used) made me think of this scenario.

The End

You have reached the end of "Non-Caped Xander". This story is complete.

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