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Ship of the Line: I AM the Starship.

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This story is No. 1 in the series "StarGuard Verse". You may wish to read the series introduction first.

Summary: What happens when you combine a Force lance, a Sorosuub S-5 Security Blaster, a PeaceKeeper uniform, Federation Combadge and tricorder? Well when you’re Xander Harris only the Creator knows for sure.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Stargate > Xander-Centered(Past Donor)ScottWandererFR2138101,989961147303,86826 Feb 131 Jun 14No

NOTE: This story is rated FR21 which is above your chosen filter level. You can set your preferred maximum rating using the drop-down list in the top right corner of every page.

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Do sleeping starships dream of warp capable sheep?

Crossover: Main universe Buffy/Stargate SG-1 Subsidiary crossovers: Andromeda, Dogma, Star Trek, Star Wars, Lost in Space 1998, Schlock Mercenary, Warhammer 40K, Farscape, Masters of Orion II, Firefly, Halo, Babylon 5, Robotech, and World of Synnibarr

Disclaimer: I own NONE of the genres listed above. I am merely borrowing them to have some fun. I am making no money off of this.

Pairings: Not telling.

AU Warning: You’ll see

Spoiler Warning: Season one of Buffy, Season one SG-1. Thing progress differently from there.

Time-line: Buffy Season 2 “Halloween”. Stargate SG-1 Season two 2 weeks after “Serpents Lair”

Rating: FR 21 to cover my bases

Notes: “Speech” ~Thoughts~ #Text# *Telepathy* @Untranslated@

Do sleeping starships dream of warp capable sheep?

~Oh God, falling asleep outside on the Hellmouth, not so good.~ Xander thought to himself as he slowly started to regain consciousness. Not yet opening his eyes he shiver a bit at the chill on his skin. ~Damn, it got pretty nippy out there.~

~I wonder what happened. Last thing I remember is Spike backhanding me into that machine press. I must have reverted to normal just before I hit.~ Xander thought to himself. Quickly performing a self diagnostic he finds except for the chill he feels pretty good. ~Well, I won’t complain about that at all. Better than waking up with a headache. Well, might as well open my eyes.~

Xander slowly peeled his eyes part way open. What he caught a glimpse of made him widen them in shock. He wasn’t in the warehouse at all. He was floating in space. This wasn’t floating in dream space. No, he was in outer space. He could see the Earth below him, the satellites in orbit, the moon , nearby asteroids and space debris. With a panic he was realizing he could ‘see’ in every direction at once. The panic became even worse when he realized he could see inside himself, every single corridor, room, crawlspace, and air-duct. ~I’m a freaking starship.~


“Yes?” The slightly amused voice drew his attention to the captain’s chair on the bridge. Sitting there in a StarGuard Uniform was a rather attractive woman. She was fiddling with a gameboy as if being on a starship was somehow a little boring.

“Excuse me? Uhm, who are you.”

“Oh, Alexander, you called for me.” Her tone was a little condescending and amused. “Normally, I don’t answer such pleas. Tell a people to only call on you in times of great need and they start relying on you for everything. In your case I wanted to come. Given your new status, I can actually speak to you without Metatron.”

“Called you? I didn’t call…Oh…” Xander would have shivered if it was possible. “I’m sorry. I really did not mean to use you name in vain.”

“Actually, in this case, I’d even forgive a GFD as completely appropriate. Not that I mind as much as I used to.” The woman smiled. “Suddenly finding your soul trapped in the computer of a fictional ship warrants a few profanities and expressions of rage.”

“Uhm…how? I dressed as the ship’s Avatar, how did I end up here?” Xander asked cautiously.

“Well, the spell ended just before you crashed into the hydraulic press.” God frowned as she related that part of things. Shrugging she continued. “As It is wont to do, Chaos acted and your impact turned the machine on. As it was not your time to die, Death, took your soul and put it here. She’s really sweet on you. The ship is here because as an Agent of Chaos, you funneled a lot of extra power into your part of the spell. “

“So, I’m the Andromeda Ascendant?” Xander had originally attempted to go as the Ship made Flesh of a proposed but never made series named Andromeda. He had found a partial plot synopsis and thought the idea of a ship with an AI to be fascinating.

“No, the Andromeda Ascendant is female, not to mention not from the same universe.” God chuckled. “You are the Federated Republic StarGuard Sword of Inevitable Justice Battleship Alexander the Great. The class was named after famous leaders. I am afraid adding that Sorosuub blaster, the Star Trek combadge, and the many other items to your costume made an amalgamation of the genres.”

“So, I’m a completely unique starship?” Xander asked. ~Well, if I am a starship, I could call up my schematics.~ Even as he thought it the air in front of God shimmered and began displaying a holographic representation of the Alexander. As Xander’s consciousness was flooded with the details of his capabilities he was struck by a realization. “I look like someone mated a Galaxy class to Nebula class starship and added an extra pair of nacelles.”

“Well, yes you do. But at least they made a cute baby.” God chuckled. “Big too.”

Wondering at that comment Xander reviewed his schematics and very nearly went into mental overload. “I’m five kilometers long and nearly as wide? Holy shit, I am HUGE!”

“I’ll let that one slide as well Xander. It is understandable.” God chuckled. “Now, I came to you because, well you needed a bit of comfort. Your android body is gone as is your human body. However, there is a reason you are not sitting in heaven living your much deserved reward. Before you ask, yes you earned a place in Heaven, four times over. But as I said earlier, this was not your time. You were not to die today. However, I had to change plans.”

“Change plans?”

“Yes, while I am in many ways omniscient, that applies only to the present.” God put down her gameboy. “Oh, I can make plans for the future and unlike my subordinates I make multiple plans. For this night alone I had googolplexes of plans. I admit this was one of the least likely, but one of the ones your Patrons liked the best.”


“Every Champion has at least one Patron. Some truly amazing Champions have several. King Arthur had seven. President Lincoln had four. Albert Einstein had eight.” God shrugged and chuckled. “Your patrons…I’m not allowed to tell you.”

“But you're God. You make the rules.”

“Yep, and that is a rule I made myself. I can’t change my rules.” God shrugged. “But we have wandered off topic. You’re here because you were meant to fulfill a destiny tied to your name. No matter what you chose in life you were going to make an impact on the world. If you had become a construction worker, eventually you’d become the architect who designed revolutionary disaster resistant buildings. As a movie director you made a documentary that saved millions of depressed people from living in misery. As a Watcher you helped Buffy, Willow, and Giles revolutionize the Council of Watchers. I could go on, Xander.”

“I can’t be that important…” Xander began to protest.

“Everyone is important Xander, from custodians to President of the United States, everyone.” Her face was quite serious. “While everyone is important, some people actually have a destiny. Now, yours is no longer tied to the Slayers. I’m not saying you cannot help her. In fact I am hoping you do. But you’re destiny is out here, Xander. You are needed here.”

“Here? Aren’t we pretty much alone?” Xander asked, but there was nobody there to answer him anymore.

Halloween sucked for Jack O’Neill. Once upon a time it’d been his favorite holiday next to Christmas. He’d get matching costumes for Charlie and himself. Every year was the lecture on how to scam more candy, including bringing along an extra bag for his ‘cousin’. Since his death, Jack spent the drinking a few beers, eating Chinese, and a whole bag of fun-size fifth avenue bars while he watched Charlie’s favorite shows and movies. He was half way through Star Trek: Generations when his phone goes off. Snarling a bit as he wanted to enjoy the last movie he’d seen with his son he got up. Every one knew not to call him tonight, he’d made it abundantly clear to them the day before that he was not to be disturbed for anything less than an SGC emergency. He picked up the phone and nearly growled into it.

“If this isn’t an emergency I will violate many articles of the Geneva convention-“

“Colonel O’Neill.” General Hammond’s bark interrupted Jack’s rant, bringing him to attention. “We have a situation. Our new satellites have detected a large unidentified object in the system. Report to the base immediately. Hammond out.”

Jack blinked and grumbled, downing the last few swallows of his beer before heading to his room to get changed. “This better be the end of the world, or that damn snake is gonna beg to die.”

Deep in NORAD a technician was directing the new satellites to adjust their imaging scanners. The object detected had somehow bypassed the entire sensor grid and was orbiting in a blind spot. Five minutes after he began the very careful task of redirecting the satellites the feeds finally began to transmit to the receivers above NORAD. Thirty seconds later he was staring at his screen in absolute shocked amazement. It took him a full minute before he managed to actually alert his supervisor to what he had discovered. Two minutes later all security feeds were transferred to the SGC and NORAD went into lock down, no personnel or communications allowed out of the base.

Fifteen Minutes later Jack O’Neill sat in the briefing room surrounded by his teammates as well as the members of SG teams 2 and 3. General Hammond stood at the front of the conference table, standing before a large monitor upon which was currently being piped the video feed from the new satellites cobbled together with Ga’ould technology.

When the feed of the object came up Jack stared at it for several moments. ~You have got to be kidding me. There is no fucking way that can be real.~ Turning to Hammond he just had to grin, even if they had disturbed him for a joke


“Sir, I’ll admit you got me. I relinquish my title of Head Prankster,” He asked with a bit of laughter in his voice. “So, how’d you do it? Photoshop?”

“This isn’t a joke, Colonel. About an hour ago that ship suddenly appeared in orbit.” Hammond replied firmly. “There was no sign of it approaching the planet, no trace of transmissions or even engine emissions. There has been no sign of activity in or around the vessel. It just appeared, orbiting above Southern California in a perfect geosynchronous orbit.”

Jack looked back at the monitor again. Shaking his head in utter disbelief. Behind him he could hear some of the members of SG-2 whispering and settling just who owed who for a bad bet.

“So…that’s real then? There is a ship that looks like they mated a Galaxy and Nebula class starship and tacked on some extra nacelles?” Jack asked still disbelieving the situation. “And it’s orbiting over Hollywood…are you SURE this isn’t some elaborate promotional stunt where they’ve hacked our sensors?”

“We’re sure Colonel, what you see there does appear to be some type of ship like the Federation ships in series. It makes absolutely no sense, but there it is.” Hammond replied with a mixture of annoyance and confusion.

Jack paused for a moment before drawling out a reply.

“…No chance this is like in Galaxy Quest sir? An alien race observing our broadcast transmissions and constructing a ship modeled after one of them?”

Hammond shook his head.

“Our scientists assure me that possibility is highly unlikely. The series containing that type designs has not been airing long enough for the signals to have reached very far at all. Not to mention it’s not copy of any of the shows designs.” Hammond sighed. “Any race capable of creating such a ship would have either been detected or made contact if they were close enough to see the series.”

"So...that really is in orbit then?" Jack asked after a moment.

Hammond sighed in exasperation. "Yes Colonel, everything we have been able to determine indicates that it is."

"Sir, surely a ship of that size in near-Earth orbit would have been spotted by civilians by now." Carter interjected. She was having a hard time believing it was real. “How are we going to cover this up?”

"Don't worry Captain,” Hammond replied with confidence he didn’t really feel inside. “I've been assured that all major satellites and telescopes that have a view of it are currently being either directed away from the area or are under our direct control. Given the weather fronts in the area, it is unlikely any civilians will spot the vessel. Even if they do, who is going to believe them? We have a narrow window of oppurtunity to avoid wide spread panic. Once the weather clears the ship will be visible to the naked eye." Pausing for a moment to let that sink in Hammond continues. "President Clinton has already authorized moving up the latest planned shuttle launch, a first contact team will be replacing the scheduled experiments. We are hoping to make contact and have been broadcasting requests to the ship for its crew to identify themselves. there have been no responses that we can detect." Hammond turns to face all three gathered teams. “Colonel, the President has ordered me to recall all active SGC personnel and put them through an immediate physical. The boarding crew for the mission will be selected from those meeting the physical requirements and be transported immediately down to the Kennedy Space Center. The launch is scheduled for twenty three hundred tomorrow. Carter, the President has specifically requested that we transfer you to the Space Center tonight to begin training, as they want you on the scientific team boarding the ship. The President and the Joint Chiefs have decided that if we fail to achieve contact before the designated launch window then the operation will be a go.”

“GeneralHammond, if I may add my opinion?” Teal’c uncharacteristically made a first move to add to a briefing on something not obvious Goa’uld or Jaffa related. “I have seen many recordings of vessels with similar design elements in action. I researched them in your Internet. If this vessel has comparable abilities then perhaps you should exhaust all means of establishing communication before you launch a mission commandeer it.”

“I’m curious of the reason for your suggestion.” Daniel asked as he could see Teal’c was greatly troubled.

“DanielJackson, this vessel is fifty times the size of the Galaxy class starship. Unlike many people, I understand that engineering such a massive vessel is far more difficult than a smaller one.” Teal’c said solemnly. “If the vessel has comparable technology to the fictional United Federation of Planets then angering the captain could result in the extinction of all life on this planet with relative ease.”

“I understand your concerns Teal’c.” General Hammond nodded to the Jaffa warrior. “I have my orders from the President. I trust that you do your best to make sure your fears do not become a reality.”

“As always, GeneralHammond.” Teal’c bowed his head in acknowledgment to the man as he rose.

In short order all three teams had filed out of the conference room, leaving General Hammond staring at the image. Reaching into his cabinet he pulled out a tumbler and his twenty year old Glen Livet. Pouring himself three fingers of scotch he drank deeply letting the liquid burn down his throat. ~Sure, I'll take command. What's the worse than could happen? If i ever time-travel I will kick my own ass.~
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