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Mrs. What?

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Story

Summary: Xander and Willow wake up after a rough night on a spaceship.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Firefly > Multiple PairingsChunkmanFR1813,8420193,14326 Feb 1326 Feb 13No
Buffy: Post Chosen

Firefly: Our Mrs. Reynolds

Angel: Post Not Fade Away

And this saves me a line or two all three are owned by Joss Whedon.



Mal was walking through Serenity. They shot a couple bandits got drunk all in all a mighty fine shindig. Mal walks to the cargo bay and to his surprise he sees a smuggler on board sleeping leaned against the wall. Black hair, eye patch down and dirty clothes he wasn't a worker but it still doesn't explain how he got on board.

Mal nudged the guy trying to wake him up. "Hey what are you doing on my boat?"

The pirate struggled to open his eye. When he did he saw an unexpected sight. "Gos se" The pirate wasted no time and punched Mal right in the nose.

Mal held his face see this is why he hates moons unwanted people and rude ones at that. "Nee TZAO ss-MA? Nee-YOW wuh-KAI CHANG?"

The pirate froze in his tracks well that's certainly different. His mind quickly remembers that he's dead and looked down. "Sorry, I thought you were someone else. But if you were him you wouldn't even feel that punch."

"Someone else?" Mal glared at him holding his nose before calming down and punching him back in the mouth. "Does this someone owe you money?"

The pirate shook his head no holding his jaw. "No, but he did make me the pretty man I am today when he wasn't gutting little girls. You're lucky I wasn't armed. Where am I anyway?"

Mal easily backed off if what he said was true Mal would of come out swinging as well. "I'm Captain Malcolm Reynolds and you're on my ship Serenity."

The pirate's eye lit up, not good. "You mean we're not on Triumph anymore?"

Mal nodded his head. "Took off not twenty minutes ago."

The pirate ran is hand through his hair. "You have to go back I left a friend on that moon."

The two are cut off by a scream Xander recognizes as he runs up to the bunks with Mal in pursuit. Mal watches as the pirate kicks open the ladder to Jayne's bunk and slides down. Mal follows after him and to his surprise he sees Jayne in a morning after situation with a redhead.

"Well you definitely don't have to turn back now." The pirate offered weakly. "Is there something you want to tell us Will?"

Willow glared at her best friend he is lucky there's no earth nearby. "Alexander Harris I will deal with you in a moment." She started shouting. "Until then take the other two guys with you and get out!"

Mal, Xander, and Jayne waited outside with Jayne in nothing but pants. Jayne turned around and walked right into a fist thrown by Xander. Mal pushed Xander away knowing that was probably heat of the moment. "Stop punching me and my crew or I'll put a bullet in you."

Xander stared at Jayne angrily. "You crewman raped my best friend."

"The hell I did… or at least I don't reckon I did." Jayne replied knife in hand.

Mal stared at Xander. "Those are strong accusations Alexander. I hope you can back them up."

"OK first off it's Xander. Second it's all the little signs the look in her eyes. the fact that she woke up screaming, and oh yeah here's a good reason she's gay."

Jayne looked at Xander. "She's sly? She didn't seem sly last night."

Mal rolled his eyes and let Xander go to his surprise he caught Jayne's knife hand with one hand and hit him with the other.

"Gorramit kid stop hitting me." Jayne shouted set to put a bullet as soon as Mal gives the OK.

Willow came up and broke the two up. "Xander! We both know I could do far worse to him. There were no bruises on either of us so whatever happened last night was consensual OK... and why are you chummy with Caleb?"

"Well Jayne is a girl's name maybe you got so drunk you couldn't see the face." Xander conceded. "and that's not Caleb."

"Well Jayne ain't a girl." Jayne replied upset.

Mal fought off a laugh and walked everyone back down to the cargo bay considering how angry the red head looked he doesn't think he wants to know about this Caleb.

Xander was pressing Willow for information. "Come on Will you have to remember something."

Willow shrugged. "Xander all I remember is me and another girl dancing for you and Jayne."

Xander had another thought on how they got here like how they got to the future originally. "You didn't make your mudslides did you?"

"Emphatically not lesson learned." Willow replied they'd be in the year 3000. "There's a red head behind you."

"There was a redhead behind me last night?" Xander asked he didn't remember that last night just a dark haired girl that defined grace.

Willow rolled her eyes. "No doofus" she pointed behind him "There's a red head hiding behind you."

Mal and Xander turn around and bend down to look. They do see a redhead which startles Mal as he falls back. Mal bit his lip he's getting sick of all these passengers on his ship. "Who the hell are you?"

"What do you mean?" The woman asked.

Mal rolled his eyes. "Well, I think I was pretty clear. What are you doing on my boat?"

The girl looked at him confused. "But... you know I'm to cleave to you...?"

"To-whubba-who?" Mal asked.

"Did Elder Gommen not tell you?" The woman asked.

"Tell me what? Who are you?" Mal asked his own set of questions.

The girl looked to him nervously. "Mr. Reynolds, sir… I'm your wife."

Xander just had an innocent chuckle until Willow slapped him.



The woman continued to explain. "I am your wife. That was your agreement with Elder Gommen, since he hadn't cash or livestock..."

Mal was trying to clear his head what exactly happened last night. "I'm-I'm sorry. Go back to the part...Where you're my wife?"

"I don't please you?" The woman asked.

Mal rolled his eyes. "You can't please me. You never met me." Mal watches as Zoe enters the cargo bay. "Zoe, why do I have a wife?"

Jayne was curious Mal got a wife all he got is that dumb ass stick sounds like its raining and a one night stand he can't even remember... with a sly girl apparently. "How come you got a wife?"

Mal rolled his eyes. "I didn't." He looks to the redhead. "We're not married."

The redhead looked at Mal sadly. "I'm sorry that I shame you."

"You don't shame me!" Mal replied as he turned to Zoe. "Zoe, would you get Wash?"

Zoe walks to the comm. set hits it, and then. "This is Zoe. We need all personnel in the cargo bay."

Mal's eyes lit up in surprise now she grows a sense of humor. "Whoa, whoa, all I said Wash."

Zoe had a grin on her face that would likely have to be surgically removed. "Captain, everyone should have a chance to congratulate you on your day of bliss."

"There's-there's no bliss! I don't know this girl!" Mal defended himself.

"Then can I know her?" Jayne asked running a finger through her clothes getting slapped across the back of the head by Willow as a result.

Zoe laughed at the actions of the apparent new recruit. "Jayne! Don't sully this."

Mal was muttering under breath. "You are gonna be cleaning latrines with your face you don't knock that off."

Xander watches the new people come in first up was an elderly man with a ponytail. Xander isn't sure what they're called here but he knows he's the equivalent of a priest. After him was a very peppy girl with short brown hair too peppy to be here. The next person well kind of reminded Xander of Wesley, only early Wesley not the Wesley Willow saw last. Xander made a mental note to ask the next red headed guy about where he got his shirt. He can't find those Hawaiian shirts on any moon. The last person was definitely a companion Xander tried to hire one but the eyepatch freaked her out.

"Who are the new recruits?" The preacher asked.

Zoe held the redheaded woman front and center. "Everybody, I want you all to meet... Mrs. Reynolds."

Xander watched as the short haired girl gasps excitedly. The companion however looked less than pleased. Jayne took the time to introduce them. Zoe was the one that put this whole thing together, Wash was her husband and the guy needs to talk to about his current attire. The Wesley looking guy is called Simon. The preacher is called Book, The little joy machine is Kaylee and the companion is Inara.

"You got married?!" Kaylee practically squealed out.

Simon looked at him not sure what to say. "Well, that's, uh..." He's still searching for the right words. "Congratulations."

Xander just laughed until Mal glared at him and he stopped.

"We'd always hoped you two kids would get together." Wash added as he turned to Mal. "Who is she?"

"She's no one!"

The red head bursts into tears.

Kaylee looked at Mal appalled. "Captain"

Mal turned to the girl desperately. "Would you stop that?"

"I'm sorry." Saffron said wiping tears from her eyes.

Wash turned to Mal and chuckled. "You brute."

Kaylee hugged the girl tight. "Hey, sweetie. Don't feel bad. He makes everybody cry. He's like a monster."

"I'm not a monster!" Wash, Xander, Willow, and Jayne all laughed at that as Mal turned to Wash. "Wash, turn the ship around."

"Can't." Walsh replied.

Mal looked at him. "That's an order." He doesn't need so many people on his boat anyway."

"Yeah, but can't." Walsh replied.

Book turned to Simon. "Have you got an encyclopedia?"

Simon nods and gives a small device to Book.

Wash meanwhile was going through why they couldn't turn back. "Alliance touched down the second after we left, and there's already a bulletin on the cortex as to the murder of a prefect's nephew. That's right; one of our bandits has family ties. So unless you feel like a walk into a gallows, I suggest we continue on to Beaumonde, and you... enjoy your honeymoon.

Mal was just stuck in a surprise face. "This isn't happening." He looks at the girl. "Would you stop cryin'?"

Inara rolled her eyes. "For god's sake, Mal. could you be a human being for thirty seconds?"

Wash looked to Mal. "As one married man to another…"

"I'm not married!" Mal shouted before taking a moment and turning to the girl. "I'm sorry. You-you have very nice qualities, but I didn't ever marry you."

Book was finished with the encyclopedia and just focused on the captain. "I believe you did. Last night."

Mal takes Jayne aside and whispered. "How drunk was I last night?"

Jayne simply shrugged. "Well I dunno. I passed out with a redhead I don't even know."

Book was reading the encyclopedia. "It says here" He starts reading. 'The woman lays a wreath upon her intended' "Which I do recall" He goes back to reading the book. 'Which represents his sovereignty.'

Mal turned to Saffron. "That was you?"

Most of the crew was laughing except for Xander, Jayne, and Willow as they all share uncomfortable looks with each other. This is so not good.

Book continues reading. "And he drinks of her wine. And then there's a dance, with a joining of hands. The marriage ceremony of the Triumph settlers. You, sir, are a newlywed."

Mal looked in shock for a moment before he Willow and Jayne asked. "What's it say in there about divorce?"

Upset, the girl runs from the cargo bay.

Zoe turned to Jayne. "Why did you ask about divorce?"

Jayne looked nervous and started explaining. "Well… last night me and this other redhead might have gotten ourselves hitched."

"And consummated the marriage." Willow added weakly for the Shepard in case he needed to hear it.

Xander shrugged feeling bad for Willow. "Well don't worry Willow I'm sure there's something in there about divorce right."

"You know if that dance got us married. Then that means you're married too." Willow pointed out.

Xander shrugged. "Probably but since she's not here I'm guessing we left her on Triumph. So unless the Captain is taking us back, there isn't really all that much I can do right now. I'll freak out when we go back to Triumph."

Willow smiled seeing another woman enter that she did recognize. "Yeah… you hang onto that thought."

Xander rolled his eyes it's not like he went hey I'm getting married. "Look it's not like I planned this we both know I didn't." Willow simply shrugged realizing he's right Xander just views himself as too damaged to marry ever since Anya. "There just isn't much I can do right now." Xander is brought out of his thoughts by a female hand grabbing his arm. Xander turned around and saw the beautiful girl from last night dressed in a blue dress and combat boots.

Simon looked at them confused. "River?"

Xander just muttered under breath. "This was so much funnier when it was just happening to Willow."

River was much more comfortable with the situation and blurted out. "We're married."

Xander groaned as River stepped out of the way. He turned around and well… slowly, briskly dodged a punch thrown by the doctor. He catches Simon's arm with one hand and quickly grabs his throat with the other walking backwards and pinning the young man to the wall causing Jayne and River to smirk at the sight.

Mal looked at Xander. "You hurt our doctor ain't no one going to put you together again if I shoot you dong ma."

Xander released Simon who went to hit him again.

Mal sighed and grabbed the doctor from behind. "Take it easy doc."

"Take it easy." Simon shouted before turning to Xander. "How in tyen shiao-duh did you end up married to my sister?"

Mal pulled him back mainly because he doesn't want to be down a medic. "Easy there doc I imagine everyone here is just as surprised about their nuptials as I am."

Xander frowned realizing that this woman is his wife. "At the risk of upsetting a crew with guns and overprotective big brothers I think I married her."

Book looked him over he has the same deer in the headlights look as the captain. "Go on son."

Xander looked at them. "Well you see me and Willow have been moon hopping for the past couple months. We can't go home so what else to do but see the verse. We decided to settle down for a bit of fun. We saw the drinking the dancing it seemed like a bit of fun and we didn't have that for a good long while. After that it kind of turns blurry because we had too much." Xander turns to Simon. "We didn't, I would never…"

Xander was cut off by a kick to the shin by his new wife.

"PEE-goo HOE-tze!" River scolded him before leaving the room.

Xander was rubbing his leg watching his new wife walk off. "No yelling at me in Chinese until I speak more Chinese then crap and understand." He turned to the doctor. "What did she just call me?"

Simon smiled at least she's not completely insane. "She called you a butt monkey."

Xander and Willow look in each other's eyes and Xander started the mental communication hoping Willow is receiving. 'How did she know to call me that?'

'I don't know did you tell her last night?' Willow asked.

'No' Xander answered as far as he knew he buried his butt monkey status with the rest of Sunnydale. 'I might have last night but I doubt I'd wear that with pride.'

'Are you sure you haven't said it?' Willow asked.

Xander nodded. 'Yes, I didn't think about it until 5 seconds ago when I found out I got married too.'

'Maybe she's a psychic and read you.' Willow offered weakly. 'It would fit your kind of woman.'

'Willow they're staring.' Xander answered as both turned back to the crew.

Mal recognized the looks while he didn't think these two actually served in the war like he and Zoe did there is a definite unspoken bond between the two like him and Zoe that Wash just doesn't understand. "Are we interrupting something?"

"No"

"Not a thing"

Xander and Willow replied out loud at the same time.

Jayne just looked at the situation and shrugged he almost feels bad for the guy with how crazy River is. "I'll be in my bunk." He turns to Willow concerned. "You didn't do anything particularly girly to it did you?"

Willow glared at him and shut him up how could she marry such a mongoloid. "Go!"

Kaylee patted Xander on the shoulder. "I'm sure River just thought she was dancing."

"Jayne's well… Jayne." Zoe said to Willow trying to defend the brute but honestly not having anything to defend him with.

Wash wasn't going to talk to Xander about pointers. The fear of his wife won't let him.

"Ok how come I get laughed at and these two get pity?" Mal asked.

"Because we know you." Wash stated it's always fun to pick on friends. "I'm willing to bet Xander had some ideas until River showed up."

Kaylee nods in agreement. "Yeah Capn we expect this sort of thing from you. But these two are innocent."

Mal looked at his little mechanic in shock. "They have confessed to traveling moons."

"Yeah but they have innocent eyes. All three of them." Kaylee countered.

Xander just smirked at least it wasn't the fun and games joke the girls gave him back home.Thanks for that one Giles.

Mal has had enough he's ten seconds away from dumping them all out the airlock. "I'm going to go find my wife."

Xander nodded in agreement. "Yeah me too" Even he realized how bad that sounded. "I meant River."

Mal simply nodded at least he doesn't have the most difficult wife here. "Well good luck with that."



Xander went into the common room he thinks the captain called it. He didn't have to go far as River flat out collided into him and Xander caught her on instinct from years of babysitting Dawn and her crush on him.

"Husband" River practically squealed.

Xander calmly collected himself and put her down. "River sorry to tell you this but we're not staying married."

"Yes we are." River replied looking right in his eyes.

Xander counted to ten actually thankful for Africa for the first time ever being put in charge of a house of teenage girls gave him a great deal of patience. "I'm not from Triumph and I'm guessing you're not either so... not married."

River looks and slightly tilts her head. "A marriage is a legal agreement between two people regardless of where it happened we're married."

Simon came in and at least this Xander is trying to stop it with his sister. "Mei mei you can't be married. You're not in the right state of mind to make those kinds of choices…"

Xander simply moved away knowing you never call a woman crazy as River kicked her brother in the shin. He tried a different approach. "Look River you're too young to be married." She looks like she's 17.

River looks at Xander. "I am 18 and well aware so there."

Xander rubbed his head this is not his day. "We're not staying Married River."

"Yes we are." River replied like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"No"

River moved closer as Xander backed away. "Yes"

"No"

River tilted her head and studied Xander's face. "You think I'm pretty."

Xander thought on it OK this girl has to be something now since he was thinking she's cute and the bantering kind of reminds him of Cordy and Anya. "Well yeah…but"

River gave him a sweet smile and Xander definitely couldn't deny it she's cute doesn't mean they're staying married though.

River started walking away happy. "You think I'm pretty and we'll stay married."

Before Xander could cut in again River happily left the room.

Simon watched the exchange and Xander for all extensive purposes tried to refuse the marriage but River won't let him. "Duibuqi?" Simon looks at Xander's blank face how does someone go so far without learning Chinese here? "I think I owe you an apology from earlier."

Xander saw that River had collected his metal case so at least he didn't lose anything. "Don't worry about it if this was a couple years back I definitely would have killed Jayne. Though likely in his sleep."

Simon nodded he saw the bond between Willow and Xander and could definitely see him acting like this if Willow was hurt. He watches as Xander pulls the case down and opens it. Simon sees a modified Taurus 85 just like the captain uses still in a holster as Xander collects it and straps it around his leg. He then watches as Xander pulls out a Tomahawk whittled at the bottom to make a stake. "So what changed?" Simon asked seeing Xander could very likely fight Jayne in an even fight since he saw even more knives and stakes in with his clothes.

Xander smiled and moved his clothes and hit two buttons at the side of his metal chest that were well hidden. "Willow has become a lot scarier then I have over the years."

Simon watched as Xander pulled up his clothes revealing a secret compartment with four gold bars.

"Will one of these be enough for me and Willow's time on here?" Xander asked curious.

"Bee-tzway. Wrong wuomun fah-tsai." Simon replied before regaining his head even being raised on a central planet gold was rare thing. "Yes it's enough I don't want to know how you got it though."

"Magic" Xander replied knowing there's no chance the doc would believe him. "Well at least things can't get any worse from here."



Meanwhile back on Triumph one of the women was dropped to the floor. Two knives sticking out of her stomach along with two puncture holes in her neck from earlier. She fell to the floor and looked up at her killer as the life went out of her eyes. The metal armor surrounded by a black duster with black gloves pants and boots followed up with a black red and gold mask as her attacker puts it back on.

The stranger looked around but realized with its target gone according to the scent of a blast off he has no reason to stay here. He bends his knees and quickly takes off for the sky as he flies into his spaceship. Tracking down a threat he thought was long gone.

The End?

You have reached the end of "Mrs. What?" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 26 Feb 13.

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