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I Am Not There

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Summary: Xander and Buffy are about to wed, only to discover a very big problem concerning this. Presented with fulsome thanks to Greywizard for permission to use his ‘Prophecies? We Don't Need No Stinking Prophecies!’ as an inspiration.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Buffy-Centered > Theme: Real Family(Current Donor)ManchesterFR151735,62636631,0032 Mar 1319 Mar 13Yes

Chapter One

Disclaimer: I own nothing. All Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters and Harry Potter characters are the property of their original owners. All settings, creations, and original characters by Greywizard are the property of that author.



“I CAN’T STILL BE MARRIED!” Buffy Summers shrieked. "THAT'S WHAT I CAME HERE FOR!"

Seated next to her at the office cubicle located inside the Cleveland City Hall Building (Records Branch), Xander Harris managed to choke out, “Please don’t yell at the nice lady, Buffy.”

His strangled tone was the result of feeling like his fingerbones were being crushed into powder. The one-eyed man then hurriedly pried his aching right hand out from Buffy’s formerly fierce grip. This was possible only because that Slayer had now lapsed into a genuine stupor, staring blankly past the bemused black woman quizzically peering over her computer monitor at the two young people in their chairs before the bureaucrat’s desk.

“Ah, Ms. Crawther,” Xander politely read off the nameplate placed upon the desk. “Could you do us a favor and explain why Buffy’s still married to her former husband? Or better yet, you could just fill me in, and I’ll pass it on to her when she comes around,” dryly added this man, as he now shot a concerned glance at his future wife, who hadn’t reacted the slightest to anything he’d just said.

Checking again the information currently being shown upon the monitor screen, the middle-aged city clerk simply shrugged in bafflement. Though, a hint of sympathy appeared on this woman’s features when she looked at her latest clients and told them (him, rather, since the young girl huddled in her seat seemed from her glazed expression as if she’d just been hit right between the eyes by a wrecking ball), “I’ve got Ms. Summers’ marriage records right here in our database, but there’s no indication at all of any divorce proceedings. Either we never received the proper documentation to finalize the dissolution of marriage, or it never took place, for whatever reason. In any case, I’m sorry, but without the right paperwork on file, we can’t issue you another marriage license.”

That finally brought Buffy back to life, as she then spluttered loudly, “But, but, I did sign the divorce papers! I mailed them right back to the law firm that sent them too, like they asked!”

Nodding politely, Ms. Crawther now advised, “Well, then the best thing to do would be to contact the law firm again, and find out what happened. It might be only a simple mistake or something else like that, but if you want to get married again here in Cleveland, or anywhere else, you have to first get a legal divorce from your current husband.”

At those last words, Buffy flinched slightly, with Xander managing to notice this infinitesimal cringe due to thoroughly knowing his companion since their days together at Sunnydale High. In the very next instant, Buffy abruptly stood up, mumbled a few words of thanks towards the other woman for her time, and the blonde then quickly left the cubicle, not even looking back at all at Xander.

When the man himself also hastily got to his feet and then started a quick apology as well concerning their discourtesy by leaving in such a rushed manner, the office clerk easily waved her hand in a gracious farewell gesture, firmly telling a relieved Xander, “Go after her, young man. She needs a good hug, with what she just heard. I hope it’ll turn out to be something trivial, and we’ll see you and your soon-to-be-wife back here right away to get your marriage license. Go on now, shoo, shoo.”

Giving Ms. Crawther a thankful smile, Xander hurried out of the records department in his search for Buffy. He finally found her bent over a drinking fountain in one of the building corridors, pretending to sip from this. As he came up behind her, knowing the Slayer’s superhuman senses would instantly recognize him, Xander was unsurprised at suddenly having an armful of the small woman there giving him a desperate hug. Once again feeling the very familiar sensation of his ribs bending in Buffy’s grip, Xander stood in front of his fiancée pressing herself up against him, rested his chin upon the top of her head, and he waited patiently for Buffy to relax her hold.

Just before black spots began to dance in his vision, Buffy snuffled tearfully into Xander’s shirtfront, “I should have known something would go wrong, trying to set up our surprise marriage plans! It was stupid to think it’d be so easy--,” as she then let up slightly on the man she loved.

Drawing in a few welcome breaths, Xander tenderly rubbed the palms of his hands in circles against Buffy’s tense shoulders, to then cautiously say, “That lady back there, she said it might be something unimportant that wasn’t your fault. Even if things somehow went wrong, you had a real good excuse, what with all the rough stuff in your life back then--”

“Hey!” was indignantly huffed by Buffy.

She tilted her head back, scraping the top of her head against Xander’s chin, as the Slayer glowered at the man she was still embracing. Xander himself looked down into Buffy’s annoyed face, and he heard her growl, “Listen, after all those hassles with Dawn and Child Protection Services years ago in Sunnydale, I made damn sure to follow every single instruction in any legal documents I got later on! I’m telling you, I sent in the divorce papers to those lawyers, all correctly filled out!”

“Okay then, we call them up and find out what happened,” soothingly declared Xander, whose concerned mood speedily improved at seeing the sudden glint of hope appear in Buffy’s eyes. Encouraged, he went on, “Do you still have the phone number for the law firm that sent the papers to you?”

A tentative smile lifted the corners of the Slayer’s lips, as Buffy thought this over, to at last remember, “Yeah, it’s with the rest of my stuff in our apartment back at the school.”

Now it was Xander’s turn to hug Buffy, as he breathed into her ear, “Great! Let’s go home, find it, and call them up, Mrs. Harris.”

From where her face was again pressed up against Xander’s long-sleeved flannel shirt, Buffy snickered into his chest, as she once more pointed out, “It still makes me sound like a kindergarten teacher, Mr. Harris! Speaking of that, let’s hold off calling the law firm right away when we get back home, Xan.”

The man holding his beloved in his arms looked startled for a few seconds, until a very dirty grin slowly blossomed upon his features. Xander next teasingly asked, “Why?” in a tone that was sure it already knew the reason for this delay.

There was a momentarily silence from Buffy still leaning against Xander, until in a truly deadpan voice which still held a hint of a giggle in it, she answered, “Because when we get back, I need at least a full hour of…”

“Yeah?” eagerly interjected Xander into that very alluring pause Buffy had just trailed off with her statement. Unknown to this besotted man, a very evil feminine grin was now upon the Slayer’s hidden lips, as with exquisite timing, she concluded:

“…Harry-cuddling time.”

For the next few seconds, Buffy shook with silent laughter, as the male body she was holding onto was now totally immobile in its dashed self-esteem. Finally, she heard over her head the short grumble of wounded pride from Xander, “That really messes up the schedule.”

Still smirking into her fiancé’s shirt, Buffy was promptly diverted from savoring her gloating at once more getting Xander good, while she gaily protested, “Hey, you know the whole school would be more than happy to rearrange their schedules without a second thought to take care of Harry!”

In a mock snarl of irritation, Xander groused, “I wasn’t talking about our kid! Nope, your paying more attention to Harry means something much worse, that there’s even less time for Xander-cuddles from you.”

Buffy then lazily rubbed her cheek against the soft cloth of Xander’s shirt, as the young woman purred back to him, “Oh, well, if that’s all…,” as she then shifted her hands, slowly sliding these down the middle of her lover’s back to stop at the perfect spot for cupping Xander’s lower buttocks in the palms of her hands. Whereupon, Buffy now gave him an enthusiastic Slayer squeeze.

Over Xander’s strangled squawk at being groped right in public by Buffy, he also heard coming from her the truly satisfied comment: “That oughta hold you until tonight.”

Right after that, another’s throat was politely cleared. This sound came directly from behind the embracing pair where Buffy continued to keep Xander’s rear in her firm clutch. The pair of startled California natives shifted their bodies to simultaneously peer around at who’d just disturbed them.

Xander and Buffy saw a resigned office worker standing there, clearly waiting for them to leave the spot in front of the corridor drinking fountain. Instantly developing identical deep blushes, the former Scooby Gang members broke apart and then sidled away to the right, with the city clerk simply rolling his eyes in mild exasperation and shaking his head at their behavior, as he finally stepped forward to quench his thirst.

While they headed down the building corridor side-by-side on their way back to the Janna Kalderash School for Exceptional Young Women, Buffy and Xander traded glances of suppressed hilarity. Then moving as one person, both of these young people reached out, to continue their walk while lovingly holding each other’s gripped hand.
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