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Xander And The Little Green Men

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This story is No. 10 in the series "You Can Hum Along If You Like". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: No, this Scooby Gang member didn't encounter a gang of leprechauns on St. Patrick's Day. Think much further offworld than Ireland, instead. And it's all because of him meeting the most dysfunctional family in suburban Chicago...

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Television > Married With Children(Recent Donor)ManchesterFR1513,666091,44415 Mar 1315 Mar 13Yes
Disclaimer: I own nothing. All Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters and Married With Children characters are the property of their original owners.

Author's Note: Yes, the timeline for both series has nothing to do with reality. And your problem with that is...?



"What do you mean, this happened before?!" was incredulously asked by the one-eyed man dressed solely in his boxers.

Standing on his bare feet with the skin of his back pressed against the metal wall of their small cell, Xander Harris tried again to move any part of his body below chin level. Only to fail once more, just like all the other times. The restraining force field wrapped around him kept Xander from budging an inch.

Maintaining her intent gaze firmly fixed in a specific direction, Kelly Bundy absently responded, "Oh, not to me."

This college-age girl was herself dressed solely in her skimpy bra and panties at the opposite wall a few yards away in the tiny room. There, her own force field was also holding Kelly prisoner. Not that she seemed to mind all that much this example of unearthly technology, given how the near-naked blonde then casually added, "Years ago, Daddy said they visited our house, but we didn't believe him."

Xander sardonically noted, "Gee, I wonder why nobody listened to Al Bundy saying little green men from outer space came to Chicago just to steal his used socks?"

"Because he's Daddy, I guess," Kelly answered, apparently absorbing her companion's sarcastic question at face value. Now that was taken care of, the dimwitted Slayer happily went back to devoting her entire attention to the task of staring directly at Xander's crotch.



A couple of months earlier, Xander was contacted by the New Council during his efforts in tracking down the latest Slayers worldwide. He'd been at this for years now, ever since the Sunnydale collapse, starting in Africa and currently traveling throughout the United States. After the new warrior women were located by magical means used by the New Council, Xander met these neophyte Slayers and patiently explained to both them and their families what'd happened and how to deal with it. The scarred man with an eyepatch seemed to have an actual knack for soothing everyone’s concerns, plus then persuading the young women to visit the New Council’s castle headquarters in Scotland for training in their recently-acquired abilities.

Now, he was on his way to have a chat with their supernatural organization’s latest discovery. Pulling up in his rental car outside a somewhat run-down suburban house in Chicago, a confident Xander expected the whole occasion to go as smoothly as usual. However, right from the start inside this Midwest home, things became a little…weird.

Taking shallow breaths to keep from gagging at the intense stench of sweaty feet permeating every molecule of air in the downstairs living room, Xander went through the whole “The world is older than you know” spiel. Once he’d finished, there was no overt reaction whatsoever from the others there with him, who made up the Bundy family. Not even from the shaggy dog dozing off in the armchair across the room.

The freshman college slacker guy, who’d been introduced as ‘Bud’, was sitting at the side table in the back of the living room. Keeping a faint sneer of contempt upon his features, this younger Bundy brother went on beadily eyeing Xander, as if waiting for him to finally say something sensible. Well, at least he was paying some attention to their guest, unlike the other three people in the house.

On the couch in the middle of the room, Peggy Bundy was wearing a leopard print blouse and iridescent green Capri pants, one crossed leg swinging in time to every bon-bon she incessantly popped into her mouth. This big-haired lady also continued to ignore Xander while remaining totally engrossed over today’s soap opera which had forced the visitor to shout over the blasting television.

Seated next to his wife, Al Bundy stared blankly ahead, right hand down the front of his pants. This dead-broke salesman of women’s shoes dreamily mourned for the lost glories of his youth. Why, he’d even had four touchdowns in one high school game, which had brought around the scouts for the pro football teams. Until the ultimate catastrophe soon after had utterly crushed his very soul and reduced him to a ruined shell of a man. That is, getting married to the Red Menace at his side and having two kids.

Neither of this couple seemed to be aware they were currently about eight feet high up in the air, with their couch being effortlessly held over her head with just one hand by Kelly Bundy. Who at this precise moment was carefully checking her fingernail polish on her free hand.

It wasn’t until Xander mentioned such words as ‘Slayer salary’ and ‘family financial subsidiary’ that an actual spark of interest was shown by the others. To be exact, the couch came crashing down, and Xander had been immediately surrounded by the entire Bundy tribe. All of them, after seemingly teleporting into his personal space, had also developed in their shining eyes actual dollar signs.

Including the dog.

A very disconcerted Xander then provided this oddball family with the rest of the information usually given to new Slayers. He next hastily left, feeling lucky to escape with his wallet intact. Much later, Xander learned the Bundys sold their house in Chicago and moved en masse to Scotland to be with Kelly during her training at the New Council’s castle. Well, that was pretty unusual, but in Xander’s opinion, he found it kind of nice those people cared about their daughter and sister so much they’d leave their former home just to stay together.

Inwardly feeling a warm glow over such a prime example of family solidarity, Xander went back to his job of finding more Slayers. This was interrupted a few weeks afterwards by an abrupt summons from Rupert Giles, Director of the New Council, who wanted him in Scotland for a private, personal discussion. Now.

An eight-hour plane trip later, a rather groggy Xander walked into Giles’ main office at the castle. Even with serious jet lag, the one-eyed man couldn’t help but notice off to one side the thick plastic sheeting entirely covering the door to an executive washroom set in the right-hand wall of the office. Particularly worrying were the numerous strips of yellow tape criss-crossing the sheeting, emblazoned throughout with: MAGICAL HAZMAT ALERT! DO NOT ENTER UNLESS WEARING CLASS 4-OMEGA PROTECTIVE GEAR!

Shifting his curious gaze back to where Giles was seated behind his desk, Xander felt suddenly nervous at how grim the former Sunnydale High librarian now appeared. Coming to a stop in front of the desk, Xander opened his mouth to inquire as to why he’d been yanked so precipitously from his job, only to be interrupted in this by Giles hissing a single name in a tone of absolute loathing.

“Bundy.”

“Huh?” blinked Xander. Wondering what the hell all this was about, he recovered a little to nod cautiously, “Oh, yeah, the Chicago Slayer, right? She and her family moved here, I heard--”

Rupert Giles cut his visitor off with a truly chilling gaze matching a statement delivered at liquid nitrogen levels: “If that was indeed your advice to them, Xander, I must warn you. Once the news is passed around the castle over what you did, your body won’t ever be found.”

What?!” yelped Xander, staring in shock at his boss all the while. As for the older man, his own basilisk glower had lessened slightly upon witnessing this genuinely honest reaction from the Sunnydale native.

The minor thawing out continued at hearing then from Xander a bewildered, “Giles, what’s going on? I mean, I just did the usual meet and greet with them all, telling those people about the Slayer stuff and the uglies who go bump in the night, and then I left. The Bundys must’ve decided on their own to come here to be with, uh, Kelly. I know that’s happened before, so why all the fuss? They haven’t been causing any trouble, have they?”

“Trouble? Oh, no, they haven’t been the slightest bit of trouble, not in the least.”

Xander wasn’t on the whole set at ease by those words from Giles. Especially when right after, the Englishman started cackling in stifled, hysterical laughter along with pulling off his eyeglasses and staring to polish these with trembling fingers. Soon putting his cleaned spectacles back on to peer through these with a truly wild look at the other baffled man, Giles eventually managed to get himself somewhat back under control. He next started to count off one by one the high points of the last few weeks concerning this supremely disruptive family.

“Al Bundy. That unbelievable bloke woke up here two nights ago feeling the need for a little snack, wandered out into the castle, and somehow managed to get inside Willow’s magical laboratory. Whereupon he failed to show any kind of sense in leaving things there totally alone. Instead, Mr. Bundy managed to consume assorted spell ingredients, including some which were previously thought to be utterly fatal to humans. Once this man filled his bloody cakehole, he started heading back to bed, until on the way a magical reaction occurred in his stomach, forcing him to make a hurried visit to the nearest loo. Do I need to specify as to which of these he made himself at home for the next six hours?” snarled Giles at Xander.

There wasn’t any answer from Xander over this last question, since he’d turned around to stare in disbelief at where the protective plastic sheeting was tacked over the washroom door. From behind, Xander heard Giles hollowly continue, “So far, the best advice from those whom had to investigate is to simply conduct an exorcism in there and then entomb my private facilities in reinforced concrete for the next century.”

Biting his lips in an effort to prevent breaking into gales of laughter, Xander turned to face Giles again, only to be told the following.

“Peggy Bundy. She’s refused to confess to anything, even after we found him curled up stark naked in a corner of the castle. It’s still suspicious how Andrew now in the hospital ward always screams and hides under the covers whenever any red-haired female approaches him. The only understandable words from his unceasing gibbering are, quote, ‘The thighs! The terrible thighs!’, end quotation. A scanning spell done by one of Willow’s apprentice witches has confirmed the poor lad is also now unable to capture an unicorn. I fear that even if he makes a complete recovery, Andrew’s mental health with always be very fragile.”

Glaring at a sniggering Xander, Giles took a deep breath.

“Bud Bundy. This extremely idiotic asswit even yet continues to regard the Slayers and all other females in this building to be his own personal harem. Despite numerous threats of bodily harm, plus actual slaps with accompanying loose teeth and the occasional concussion, his propositions have become even more crude, however impossible this might seem. A petition signed by every woman in the castle and then handed to me formally requested myself to either find some trace of innate demonic heritage in that pillock, or merely declare him to be the only known example of a ‘Dork Demon’. Whichever of these grounds may arise, they’ll then draw straws to select the lucky girl who gets to decapitate him.”

A now-deadpan Giles studied Xander guffawing at the top of his lungs, before casually mentioning, “The first four names on the petition were Willow, Buffy, Faith, and Dawn.”

Instantly becoming more than serious, with an actual murderous glint in his remaining eye, Xander silently ground his teeth hard in fury. Watching this, Giles nodded in satisfaction before sighing out loud the very last name.

“Kelly Bundy. She’s now completed her training, though I must admit we’ve never seen any other Slayer graduate with such low marks. Still, she passed all the tests, even with this being accompanied by one of the most, er, alarming effects of the Slayer spell which fortunately doesn’t appear for the majority of those girls at the level regrettably experienced by her…”

Xander was now growing concerned at seeing how red Giles’ face had just become, with the Briton then looking straight up at the office ceiling to avoid meeting his guest’s eye. Feeling he had to know what was making his friend so uncomfortable, Xander prompted, “Spit it out, G-man.”

His wariness only increased at witnessing the very dry look then sent towards him, instead of the usual grimace of dislike caused by Xander’s nickname for the older man. Carefully choosing his words, an embarrassed Giles mumbled, “You do know about the link between the Slayer’s bellicosity and, ah, the results of this?”

Xander’s jaw dropped open at what he’d just been asked completely out of the blue. He still managed to choke out, “Uh, sure, Faith’s always called it being H and H after a good vamp dusting. Hungry and horny-- Aw, geez! How bad is it for Kelly?”

Instead of replying right away, Giles opened the top drawer of his desk, and he took out a small object from there to next place this readily-identifiable taser on the desktop. Leaving there this self-defense item capable of electrically zapping an attacker with 50,000 volts, Giles informed a gaping Xander, “While all the men in the castle now carry one of these, the male instructors were themselves also forced to keep close at hand cattle prods set at full power. Other defenses, including bear traps set at the thresholds of the apartments and dormitories, have managed to keep the recent incidents at, um, survivable levels.”

Shaking his head in sheer disbelief, Xander cleared his throat and asked hopefully, “You got another one of those tasers for me, Giles?”

Not answering at once, the Director of the New Giles first gave his guest a rather intent stare before finally speaking. “Before that, I think we should discuss the reason for your visit. As I recall, you’ve been at your task of bringing in new Slayers for a good while now. No one else has been more successful at that, Xander, and I’m very proud of you for doing such a fine job. However, it’s now time you moved on to other things. Specifically, in becoming a Watcher for--”

“LIKE HELL I WILL!” roared Xander.

He angrily leaned forward with clenched fists to rest the knuckles of these down upon the desktop while he glared directly into the other man’s composed features. Scooting his rolling chair back a few inches to ease the crick in his neck from looking up at the furious American, Giles imperturbably listened to him rave, “You sneaky bastard, you lured me here just because Kelly Bundy needs a Watcher? Why the hell don’t you pick someone else from the castle? I saw a couple of guys in tweed out there—“

In a very firm voice which overrode Xander’s rant, Giles informed the younger man, “I tried. In response, a most disturbing level of unanimity was shown by every single current Watcher worldwide in expressing their refusal to take responsibility for Miss Bundy. In short, they all threatened to quit if I made it a direct order.”

Meeting with his dejected gaze Xander’s own dumbfounded expression over hearing this, Giles wearily admitted, “It seems that word got around.”

Straightening up from leaning over the desk, Xander confusedly ran his fingers through his hair. Cooling down a bit from his sudden outburst of bad temper, he eyed with some perplexity the older man seated at his desk.

“Well, Giles, what makes you think I’ll take on the job if nobody else will do it?” demanded Xander.

Somewhat encouraged by this reasonable question, Giles pointed out, “You do have a great deal of experience, Xander, with shall we say, willful girls such as Faith, Cordelia, and—“

“And Anya and Buffy and Willow and Dawn and the Potentials and all the demon girlfriends,” sourly finished Xander.

“Er, yes,” managed Giles.

Xander rolled up his remaining eye in real exasperation. In a voice which bore in its tone the same irritated mood, he grumbled, “So why would you think I really want more of the same? It’s kinda great traveling around the country on my own, without being on the beck and call of anybody insisting I make a tampon run, fix whatever they broke, getting yelled at for the crime of being a guy—“

“Xander, please.”

This quiet appeal stopped Xander’s tirade in its tracks. His mouth snapping shut, Xander stared full into the tired countenance of the person across the desk, now really noticing the extra wrinkles and deeper lines on his forehead and around Giles’ eyes.

In a steely monotone, Xander accused, “You son of a bitch, you’re fighting dirty.”

Seated in his office chair, Giles gave the merest shrug of his shoulders, before replying, “Yes, and I’ll continue to do so whenever I think it necessary, Xander.”

Groaning under his breath while he did this, Xander brought up his right palm to scrub hard at his face. Putting his hand back down at his side, he now implored in a truly desperate whimper, “Look, Giles, the honest truth, please? There really isn’t anyone who wants to look after Kelly Bundy? Nobody at all?”

“She’s a handful and a half, Xander,” sympathetically stated Giles.

Xander simply stood there for a long moment. Eventually, he slumped in place while glumly acknowledging to himself that the number of Xander’s Girls had just increased by one.

“Yeah, okay, I’ll be her Watcher,” morosely agreed Xander Harris. He then blinked over how fast Giles reached out to grab for the phone on his desktop after hearing this. Equally swift was the older man urgently tapping out a phone number, which made Xander crankily add, “Hey, Giles, what’s the big hurry? Can’t I at least have a shower and dinner before—“

Without looking up from cradling the phone against his ear, Giles interjected, “I’m calling Buffy to head her off before she hunts you down and tears off your arms to beat you to death with them. Only the news that Miss Bundy will be leaving soon with you will otherwise prevent our young mutual friend from taking her vowed revenge for what that family’s bloody dog did in Buffy’s shoe closet.”

“Wait, what?!



During the next few weeks, the following bits of conversation occurred:

ZZZZAAAAPPPP!!!! “Don’t touch me there, Kelly.”

“Stab it with the SHARP end, Kelly!”

ZZZZAAAAPPPP!!!! “There, too, Kelly.”

“Yes, even Slayers can get stomach aches, Kelly. When I told you not to order a McDonalds’, I definitely meant all the food in the whole place.”

ZZZZAAAAPPPP!!!! “This is a single bed, Kelly. Yours is in the other room.”

“Uh, Kelly, a rubber woman isn’t a religious symbol and it can’t be used like holy water against vamps. Why would your brother Bud be worshipping one-- Never mind, I don’t want to know!”

ZZZZAAAAPPPP!!!! ZZZZAAAAPPPP!!!! ZZZZAAAAPPPP!!!! ZZZZAAAAPPPP!!!! KELLY! Don’t steal my taser and take it with you when hiding in the shower to surprise me! Kelly! Throw it away! OWWWW! Not at me!”



*Gee, what took so long,* Xander tetchily thought after waking up in the flying saucer which had just abducted him and Kelly when they’d been driving along a rural county road in the middle of the night. All his recently ridiculous life needed now was this.

Xander’s irritable mood wasn’t helped at all by seeing those green half-pints in their silver costumes occasionally wandering by their cell to admire an UFO crew’s latest captured trophies. It was gonna be the anal probing sooner or later, no question about it. At that point, Kelly had woken up, and Xander resignedly awaited the flood of stupid questions which were sure to come from the girl in her Victoria’s Secret assortment.

Instead, all he’d gotten was a mind-boggling casual, “Oh, them,” an equally bizarre explanation, and then Kelly was unwaveringly examining his own underwear with her Slayer eyesight. Which meant she’d identified at once he wasn’t Jewish and was still being a Peeping Kelly for the sheer fun of it.

The man’s further preoccupation with his unwelcome or troublesome thoughts was interrupted by what looked like the entire crew of this spaceship lining up abreast in front of their cell. Suspiciously eyeing those otherworldly jerks, Xander abruptly grunted in surprise when his force field started to expand, shoving his body forwards. At Kelly’s delighted giggle, Xander’s head turned for him to stare in horror at where she was also being moved right at him by her own force field.

Snapping his head around, Xander yelled at the alien observers clearly enjoying the show, “NOW JUST A DAMN MINUTE! YOU CAN’T DO—mmmph!”

Before he could finish protesting, both Xander and Kelly had gotten moved close enough so they were face to face – at which point, the force fields both simultaneously turned off and a Slayer used her ultra-fast reflexes to gather up Xander in an unyielding hug. Along with giving him a scorching kiss.

With the sound of ripping fabric coming from the breeding chamber, Engineer T’ryuigh reached into his pocket and took out a bag of phkopn seeds. Taking a handful and passing the bag down the line, the extraterrestrial being munched on his favorite snack. This was a lot more fun, watching those inhabitants from the planet below mating with each other, than being forced to surreptitiously collect stinky energy cells down there.

Hopefully, it’d last long enough so he wouldn’t be stuck with that unpleasant job and could just use the memory-wiping device before returning the pair of humans to their place of origin to next leave this solar system. Yes, indeed, even if the male was presently acting in a most obstinate fashion, he looked to be quite sturdy, and the female appeared to have no difficulty at all in controlling him. Overall, things were working out quite well in their mission.

The End

You have reached the end of "Xander And The Little Green Men". This story is complete.

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