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They Call the Cops on Us

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Summary: Seeing Faith as a lost cause the council gives her a joke for a watcher

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Television > Married With ChildrenChunkmanFR15510,4371347,9863 Apr 137 May 14No

Faith's First Weapom

Faith looked out in the backyard in Chicago. She has to say she enjoyed being on the open road more but for now Al said he needed a couple days at home. Faith was instantly against it though thanks to her screwed up life. Last time someone pulled the Hallmark family moment with her she was locked in the basement with their vampire son for dinner and only survived because something screamed inside of her to pull off the blinds and barbeque the kid with the sun. And ever since then she's been wary of people with good intentions. So she was relieved when Al just said here's the crappy bed get your own damn food.

Faith came downstairs and saw Al setting up a target in the backyard. And that great wad of red hair watching TV passed out on the couch. Faith came downstairs and just playfully petted their little cocker spaniel slipping him a snack she had last night as the redhead awoke from the couch and turned to them.

"Do I smell food?"

Faith quickly shot up and Lucky laid down on the snack. "No!"

Al came in and saw his potential and has to say he's kind of upset he didn't have Faith for a daughter they watched pro wrestling the other night and Al got a laugh out of Kane because he knows the truth. He married the real big red machine. "Alright Faith today you're going to learn how to use a longbow?"

Faith looked at Al with a face of confusion why does she have to do this who the hell uses a longbow? "OK but why can't they modernize their weapons old man?"

Al was wondering that too. The crossbow is flimsy and sloppy at best. He knows a headshot with a double barrel that would do wonders if what he was taught was actually true. "Yeah but Faith you forget they're British. It's their jobs to find something simple and complicate or wussify it all while drinking their weak ass tea that we dumped into the harbor years ago because we're Americans and we hate that crap." Al finished remembering his meeting with Quentin Travers. "Still not as bad as the French though... So let's go."

Faith rolls her eyes but better Al then Princess Margaret besides someone pulls out a bow during the fight you know they mean business. "OK teach me master Bundy you're my only hope."



Al stood next to the bulls eye. "OK Faith as far as I know off TV put the arrow on the string pull back and let go."

Faith nodded and did as told loosing an arrow that went clear through the hole in the fence and heard a popping sound. "...Little off"

Al smiled seeing what Faith hit. "No... wonderful shot try again."

Faith shrugged and grabbed another arrow. She took a breath and let it loose and her eyes popped out seeing she shot Al in the leg.

Al meanwhile was hopping across the yard trying to pull it out. "In the bone, in the bone, in the bone."

Faith did what she could not to laugh and tired to make her face look guilty. She watched as a very tiny woman with a boyish hair cut came over and looked at Al as he fluttered about.

The woman didn't waste any time and yanked the arrow out of Al's leg as the shoe salesman swallowed a yelp and saw she was now holding two arrows. "Very good Faith but we're not shooting livestock today. Marcy what the hell are you doing here?"

Marcy glared at the shoe salesman. "Don't get me wrong Pillsbury shoe boy." She elbowed Al in the stomach and he just grunted earning her the glare of Faith. "I appreciate you trying to pass down your Neanderthal methods to the next generation but you know what I see."

"At sixteen I'm more developed then you ever were." Faith supplied.

Al hid a grin holding Marcy back with one arm and Faith with the other. "Now, now, Marcy it's a new job and I have to teach this girl how to use a bow."

Marcy looked Faith over it's hard to believe this little hoodlum wasn't a Bundy. "Just keep her away from my Mercedes she hit a tire."

"Bock bock watch the car got it." Al said walking over to Faith.

Marcy walked over to the chair she's not missing this. "Well believe it or not Al we don't all have cars that melt in the rain. Some of us take pride in how our cars look… and how we look as people."

Al was helping Faith set up and aim. "Just wait until you have your shot and let go when you think its right OK."

Faith let go and the arrow deflected off the barbeque right back at them hitting Al in the shoulder as he lets out another wail of pain.

Faith is over and breaks the arrow and pulls it out she hopes she didn't get anything vital. "Are you OK?"

Al nodded while hearing a sickening laugh from the chair. "Not the first time I've been shot."

Faith's ears caught that laugh and turned around seeing Marcy was the source. "What the hell was that? It sounded like a bird in heat."

Al smirked calming down. "Chicken to be more accurate"

Marcy glared at the two with her hands at her hip and her neck moving forward and bobbing her head at the two of them. "I am not a chicken."

Faith retook her position and Marcy moved in front of the target seemed to be the only safe place. Al took sanctuary up on the roof.

Al shouted. "Now Faith just wait for your moment and shoot."

Faith waited and took her shot seeing it bounce off the barbeque and a tree before disappearing out of sight. "Where the hell did it go?"

"WATCH IT NOW!"

Faith looked up and quickly ran out of the way as Al fell smack onto the concrete an arrow sticking out of his butt.

Marcy started laughing again as a heavy shadow filled the place blocking out the sun.

Faith was set to tell her off until she looked up and saw something that has to be demonic that thing is huge. "What the hell is that?"

Al looked up and suddenly the pain doesn't feel that bad anymore. "Ah I think its Papa Bird."

"It's like an F-18 with a god damn beak." Faith said watching the monster descend on Marcy taking the tiny woman to the sky.

"Put me down… let me go." Marcy shouted as she cleared the roof.

Faith looked at it. Who would have thought you could see a bird lift a human 50 feet in the air. She also tilts her head wondering what's it doing to her. "What the hell is it doing?"

Al looked at it and this is new even to him. "It looks like it's awkwardly positioning her…" The realization hits Al as his face contorts. "Faith in all that is holy kill it now."

"I never aimed against a moving…"

"Don't think just shoot before I'm blind." Al ordered.

Faith took aim as something rushed through her. She aimed again this time aiming a little ahead of the creature and let her arrow loose as it took to the sky. To Al's surprise the arrow punctured right through the bird's neck. As it dropped Marcy and started falling itself as Marcy fell to the barbeque floor and the bird landed smack in the yard.

Marcy got to her feet her shirt and pants disheveled with claw marks and feathers in her hair. "I think I'm going to call it a day nice to meet you Faith…Al."

Al just has a wide grin seeing her leave. Yeah he might have got shot with three arrows but it was well worth it.



Al and Faith sat against the fence with two empty pizza boxes and two more in front of them. Al has never seen a girl like Faith currently she's already on her second box. Al looks up and sees Peg staring at the two. Al rolled his eyes. All good things must come to an end. "What do you want Peg?"

"Just thought I'd let you know I was going out. So what did you two do today?"

Faith shrugged. "I shot a chicken out of the sky."

"She also shot a bird." Al added.

Peg nodded she deals with Faith mainly because of Al. They don't get along but... its so much more money then the shoe store. "Well I hope you had fun if you need me I'll be at the mall shopping will you miss me?"

"I've missed you with every bullet so far." Al replied as he went into his pocket… uh oh. "Peg… if you leave right now you're going to miss Oprah."

"It's been pre empted by the news." Peg said disappointment clear in her voice. "Like I really care that some cheerleader in California broke her boyfriend's arm, killed the woman he was cheating on her with and then knocked down a bookshelf on her best friend if you need me you'll know where I'll be."

Al simply shrugged. "It's the only place that's not the couch."

Peg left and Faith saw Al muttering under breath. "What's up old man?"

"Wife stole my wallet." Al replied "And I'm too full to chase after her."

Faith looked at her soda and her pizzas. "Well you still got $60 from what the zoo gave us for that bird corpse."

Al nodded bright side to everything. "Let that be a lesson to you young lady always show up at the zoo to do business during peak business hours a zoo full of kids is a great deal of leverage."

Faith took a bite. "I hate to ask but isn't Mama bird going to kill us for killing Papa bird?"

Al shook his head finishing a drink. "No we killed Mama Bird setting up a satellite dish... only took 5 minutes."

"Can I ask you something?" Faith asked curiously.

Al shrugged. "Got my pizza got my drink… why not."

Faith took a drink and asked Al about what's been bugging her since she got here. She thought her life was bad but at least she wised up to fleeing and moving on. "Why haven't you bailed yet…? I mean your wife bleeds you dry and don't give anything back and your neighbor is some sort of chicken hybrid that I'm pretty sure is married to that guy that keeps killing TV shows."

"To be fair most people think he's married to the kid from home improvement." Al replied.

Faith smiled taking a bite of pizza. "And your wife?"

Al shrugged he never really had to explain this before. "Your wife is your wife. It's like an old car you refuse to let go. Sure it gives you problems and drains you dry but over the years you get attached to that car... Can't live without that car... Love that car despite all the hell it puts you through and finding out mother of said car is a 747." Al fights off a round of PTSD and turns to Faith. "Do you understand?"

Faith nodded. "I think I do. You love her many faults and all."

Al nodded but stoppedmid nod. "Well don't say it like that. And I'm sure one day you'll find a guy to make just as miserable."

Faith got to her feet and looked at him. "I wouldn't get my hopes up on that one. I'm heading out for a jog."

"You just ate one and a half pizzas don't you think you should take a break?" Al asked.

Faith innocently shrugged. "What can I say I've been on a rush all afternoon? Later"

Al simply waved her off all in all good day.
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