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The Road to Coulson

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Story

Summary: Agent Phil Coulson wasn't always a Phil...

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Marvel Universe > Avengers
Television > Other-Comedy Shows
CrazyDanFR1867,84378830,3803 May 1327 May 13No

Chapter 3: The beginning....

General Disclaimer: I don't own the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I also don't own the Buffyverse or any characters in either one. These are someone else's sandboxes. I'm just playing around in them a little.

Slapstick was created by Len Kaminski and James Fry for Marvel Comics....
=-=-=-=-
The Beginning....

Sunnydale.....

“You know what? There is something I wish would happen.” Cordelia said to the new girl. “I wish everyone would see Xander Harris for the no good clown he really is.”

“Done.” Anyanka said with a twisted grin before vanishing from sight.

Elsewhere in the school a high scream began that only continued to rise in pitch and volume until every window and mirror on the premises shattered.



The Library....

“What the bloody hell was that!” Giles shouted as he got up from behind the returns counter. He'd taken shelter the moment the skylight had shattered. Thankfully his glasses had been on the counter.

“There's something in the boy's locker room!” Buffy said as she burst into the library and headed directly to the weapons cage. She grabbed her favorite axe and shoved it into her backpack before running back out of the room.

Giles quickly followed her, determined to find out what had caused such damage to the school. There was a possibility of a banshee, but why would it be in the boy's locker room?



The Locker Room....

“It's gone!” The white skinned creature with purple-black hair cried. “It's gone!” It continued to scream as it rocked back and forth in the shower.

“Umm... what kind of demon is that?” Buffy asked Giles.

“I don't know.” Giles said. “I've never seen anything like this before.”

“It's gone!” The creature wailed again before attempting to grab at Giles. “It's gone!'

Buffy beheaded the creature with her axe.

“What the hell was that for?” The creature demanded as the body started reaching around for it's head.

“You were attacking Giles!” Buffy said before she started hacking at the creature.

“Hey, what's with all the rough stuff?” The creature said as it dodged and quickly put it's head back on it's shoulders... “Oh yeah. It's gone!” It said before it began wailing again.

“What's gone?” Giles asked as he stopped Buffy from attacking the creature momentarily.

“My penis!” The creature wailed before it started crying into Giles' blazer. “It's gone!”

“Eww...” Buffy said. “Wait... that's why you're wailing?”

“Wouldn't you if while you were showering your breasts vanished in the time it takes you to wash the shampoo out of your eyes?” The creature demanded. “Honestly Buffy.”

“How do you know me?” Buffy asked with narrowed eyes.

“It's me, Xander.” The creature said.

“You're not Xander, you're just some clown thing.” Buffy told it.

“Did you say clown?” The creature asked, it's already white skin turning a little paler. “I need a mirror.”

“They're all broken I'm afraid. Along with every piece of glass in the school.” Giles said. “My glasses included.”

“Even your secret stash of scotch?” the creature asked.

“Oh dear.” Giles said. “That was in with my journals.” He said before rushing for the library.

“How did you know where Giles keeps that?” Buffy demanded.

“The same way I know about that mole you don't like mentioning. It's me. Xander.” The creature told her. “Hence my manly bellows.”

“I think you mean girlish shrieks of terror.” Buffy said. “Go put on some pants. You may not have any junk in the front, but I don't want to see your lily white ass-crack either.”

“You say Potato...” Xander shrugged before grabbing a towel. “Lily white, like everywhere? Now I really need that mirror.”

“Who did you piss off this time?” Buffy asked him.

“I honestly have no idea.” Xander shrugged. “Still... we need to fix this. I really don't want to think what's going to happen when I have to pee.”

“Well, when you put it that way....” Buffy agreed. “We'll talk to Giles. He'll figure this all out.”

“I hope so Buffy.” Xander said. “You know I don't like clowns.”



Another Dimension......

“We've got one!” A mustached man said as he rubbed his hands together in glee. “Maybe this one can solve my.... 'little' problem. Weird though. That is a lot of interference. No matter.” He said before locking on some targeting cross-hairs and pressing a BRB (Big Red Button).

A moment later, a still towel clad Xander Harris was looking around the odd room with the old stone walls. “This is... not my High School.” He said looking around.

“You're in my home, the domain of the Scientist Supreme here in Dimension X!” A large headed man who looked an awful lot like Grouch Marx.

“So... why am I here?” Xander asked.

“You... have been chosen, for a very important mission.” The man told him.

“If you tell me we're off to see a wizard I will hurt you.” Xander glared.

“Not exactly.” The Scientist Supreme said before chuckling softly. “You come from a human dimension... how exactly did you become what you are now?”

“Dude, I just lost my penis like ten minutes ago. I have no idea what's going on.” Xander told him.

“Well... Let's see what you are and what you can do.” The man said as he picked up a large magnifying glass.



Much later, with an 80's style montage or two....

“Okay, we've learned about my powers and I've somehow managed to defeat the evil overlord that's been bothering you. Can I go home now?” Xander asked the Scientist Supreme as he made sure the device that allowed him to become human again was securely fastened to his wrist.

“Oh... about that.” The Scientist Supreme said as he sat his coffee down on his console. “You see, when I pulled you here, I didn't realize your High School was the focal point for a fairly old interdimensional portal.”

“The Hellmouth.” Xander said with a nod, realizing there was something up. “What happened?”

“My means of pulling you here kind of caused the other portal to close, sucking up all of the energy it's spewed out over the years. Energy that had permeated your hometown.” The Scientist Supreme said.

“So..... it's closed. Big deal.” Xander said. “That's a good thing right?”

“It also swallowed the entire town. It's a fairly large, circular crater now.” The Scientist said softly.

“So... everyone I know and have ever cared about is dead.” Xander said slowly.

“Yes.” The Scientist told him.

“I'm gonna kill you slow.” Xander said as he pressed his watch to transform into his Clown Form.

The Scientist Supreme hastily pressed a button on his console while spilling his coffee in the process. While Xander as sent away, he wasn't sent back to Sunnydale...



Another Reality, on Another Earth....

“What the hell?” Nick Fury said as he watched a wildly flailing body crash into the ground of SHIELD's Skydiving course. “I know someone isn't trying to sabotage my visit.”

“Sir, it's still alive.” One of the men said as he poked it with his rifle.

“My name is Inigo Montoya” The creature said as it suddenly stood up with stars circling it's head. “You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

Fury shot him in the face.

“Stupid Mosquitoes.” The creature muttered as the stars turned into birds.

“What is he?” Someone asked.

“Doesn't matter. He's SHIELD property now.” Fury said. “Load him up. Get him to a testing facility.”

“Yes sir.” The nearest agent said before handcuffing the creature.

Nick Fury sighed as he watched the strange entity being loaded into a van. “Just another day at the office.” He muttered.


TBC.....
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