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The Road to Coulson

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Summary: Agent Phil Coulson wasn't always a Phil...

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Marvel Universe > Avengers > Xander-Centered
Television > Other-Comedy Shows
CrazyDanFR1867,84378931,5073 May 1327 May 13No

Chapter 6

General Disclaimer: I don't own the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I also don't own the Buffyverse or any characters in either one. These are someone else's sandboxes. I'm just playing around in them a little.

2 Broke Girls was created by Michael Patrick King and Whitney Cummings.
Slapstick was created by Len Kaminski and James Fry for Marvel Comics....

Remember this is fanfiction, not for profit fiction:

SHIELD Helicarrier....

“I do have one question about this whole mess.” Maria Hill said as she looked up from the live feed from the Williamsburg Diner.

“Just one?” Fury grinned.

“Coulson had cosmetic surgery shortly after he became an agent. Why?” Maria asked.

“Dimensional counterpart.” Fury told her. “You were young then but he looked way too much like a teen idol at the time to be as... unremarkable as he needed to be. The alteration was minor and has become moot since he regressed. That is part of the reason why he can pass as his own son.”

“Won't that be a problem now?” Maria asked.

“The idol hasn't aged well at all.” Fury said with a shake of his head. “He became a train-wreck and lost most of his looks in the process. He's cleaned up now, but it took a toll on him.”

Maria nodded. It made sense, well as much as anything did involving Phil at this point.

The Williamsburg Diner...

“Okay... where is this Doppelpopper?” Max asked as she and Caroline came into the diner in her uniform. Phil was right behind her wearing a nondescript outfit. He quickly headed for his usual booth to watch the show.

He'd actually been expecting this sooner, but it had given him more than enough time to build an insane but fun relationship with the unofficial cupcake queen of the Bronx.

“It's Doppelganger.” Caroline corrected with a grin.

“I'm right here.” Darcy Lewis said a she looked at her possible double. “Except for the styled hair, It's like a mirror.”

“Oh, this isn't styled. I just had sex.” Max smirked.

“See, even my twin is getting laid in this city!” Darcy said to Jane. “Wait... are you an evil twin?”

“I guess you could call it a goatee.” Max mused.... “Nah. Not evil. Though I can be cranky.”

“Twins?” Caroline asked. “It's possible.”

“Let me call my Dad.” Darcy said as she pulled out her phone. “That'll be faster than a DNA test.

“Good, cause calling my mom is not a good idea.” Max snorted. “That is if the number is still valid.”

“Hang on.” Darcy said as she got an answer on her phone. “Dad, hey. You busy? Good. I just ran into someone that looks just like me. Brooklyn.” There was a pause. “Hey, what is your name?”

“Maxine Black.” Max told her.

“Maxine Black.” Darcy repeated into the phone before rapidly pulling it from her ear. “I had no idea he could swear like that.” She said to Jane before putting the phone back to her ear. “So the divorce was that bad huh?” She pulled the phone from her ear again. “Okay. I'll send you a photo of us later. We're going to want the full story.”

“Twins.” Max stated.

“Separated at about a year old.” Darcy confirmed. “Really odd custody thing. East and West Coast. Something about Trust Funds of some sort.”

“Mom doesn't have any money.” Max snorted. “Well. If she can keep this a secret, there are probably a ton more.”

“So what brings you two here?” Caroline asked Jane.

“Cupcakes.” Jane said. “My friend here somehow got a hold of a box about two weeks ago and our boss has been hounding us for more ever since.”

“He wants you to set up shop in his building.” Darcy told Max.

Max was about to glare at her smug looking bed-buddy when she got a text message. She pulled out her phone and read it. It said 'I told you I know some people. They just don't know me.' Sighing to her self she went ahead and asked. “Who's your boss?” She asked Darcy.

“Tony Stark.” Darcy admitted.

“Get the fuck out.” Max said flatly.

Phil nodded and left the diner.

“What?” Jane asked.

“I wasn't talking to you.” Max said as she got another text from Phil saying they'd talk later. “I've got a shift to work. If Tony Stark wants my cupcakes in that eyesore of a tower of his he'd better come here himself.”

“Max.” Caroline hissed to her friend. “Kitchen. Now.”

“Fine.” Max nodded. “We'll be right back.” She told her apparent sister and her friend.

The Kitchen...

“We can not be rude to these people.” Caroline cautioned Max. “I know one is somehow your twin sister, but we can't walk away from an opportunity to have a shop in Stark Tower.”

“Somehow... Phil did this.” Max told Caroline. “He had me make him up a batch a while back and then... this.”

“How?” Caroline asked. “I know he's like a ninja sometimes but this is phenomenal.”

“Oh, I'll find out.” Max assured her friend. “Our shift starts in five. Let's get this day over with.”

One hour later....

“Oh... this place is... not very anything.” Tony Stark muttered as he and Pepper entered the Diner.

“They came from here?” Pepper asked Tony.

“That's what they tell me.” Tony said with a grin. “It's amazing what you can find in these kinds of places.”

“Yeah. So Darcy has a twin?” Pepper grinned. “And you thought our lives were strange.”

“Well, in our defense, they are.” Tony smirked. “Let's see what they have. If it's enough for a shop... we move them in.”

“Sudden.” Pepper remarked. “I do have the paperwork with me. Still though. Why?”

“Well... the idea has been knocking around my noggin for about two weeks. I've done some basic research for what's needed and included it in the package deal. Sure, we might lose money, but not much.” Tony shrugged.

“Much for us anyways.” Pepper agreed. “You're still serious about this?”

“As I am about anything.” Tony grinned.

“Point.” Pepper nodded. “Okay. We're getting a new tenant. Hopefully one that will break even.”

“Hey, It's not like they're going to dent the power supply.” Tony told her as he spotted Darcy and Jane. “There are the ones that started this mess.”

“I thought you said this was a bold new business venture, not a mess.” Pepper said.

“All new business ventures are messes. Didn't you learn anything at that fancy school you went to?” Tony snarked.

“I learned plenty.” Pepper argued. “ Wait, why are we doing this?”

“Banter?” Tony asked. “It's how we mask our own feelings of inadequacy I guess. Besides, we can't have sex everywhere.”

“Though you've tried.” Pepper sighed.

“And how.” Tony nodded.

“Oh crap they weren't lying.” Max said as she recognized Tony Stark and Pepper Potts.

“Oh crap Darcy does have a twin.” Tony said with a smirk. “I take it you're Max?”

“My boyfriend is a dead man.” Max stated flatly. “I don't know how he did it, but he got Darcy those cupcakes.”

“That isn't a no.” Caroline said from next to Max. “I'm Caroline Channing, Max's business partner.”

“What's the boyfriend story?” Tony asked. “Wait Channing as in those Channings?”

“Yes.” Caroline sighed. “I didn't know. As you can see, I'm not exactly rolling in dough right now.” She said as she gestured at her uniform.

“For all we know you might be.” Tony countered. “They do use dough here right?”

“We are not eating here.” Pepper whispered into his ear.

“Agreed.” Tony whispered back as he got a look at the cook. “Pepper here has a contract with a mild signing bonus, namely an apartment within what could be considered spitting distance for Manhattan.”

“Let me look at it.” Caroline said. “I'll tell Han I'm taking a fifteen.”

“I'll cover the floor.” Max told her. “Get a reading.”

“On it.” Caroline said before heading to a booth.

“So what do we do?” Tony asked.

“Sit with the other two. I'm working.” Max told him.

“I like her.” Pepper whispered to Tony.

“Me too. Hey, are those Hipsters?” Tony asked.

“This is their natural habitat.” Pepper told him. “Remember, don't feed the hipsters.”

“Are you going to order food or not?” Max asked the table full of similarly dressed twenty-somethings. “You've been here for three hours!”

“I don't think that'll be a problem.” Tony whispered, his eyes wide. “Darcy's clone scares me.”

“Twin.” Pepper reminded him. “And yes, she scares me too.”


“Okay... We have to take this offer.” Caroline told Max. “Like, today.”

“What are the negatives?” Max asked.

“Moving, other than that... we wouldn't be working here at all.” Caroline said.

“Can we pilfer Earl?” Max grinned.

“Just Earl right?” Caroline asked. “No soft spots for Han or Oleg?”

“Han is all soft spots.” Max snorted. “And no. Not really.”

“So we move to a Stark owned building in Manhattan after we sign this. We should be able to afford to have Chester stabled too.” Caroline told her. “We get paid hourly for the shop until it breaks even. After that we get a share of the profits on top of what we'll be making.”

“What about overtime? Baking on the clock takes time before the shop would open.” Max asked.

“We're cleared for twenty hours of overtime a week, each.” Caroline told her. “We can also improvise a more thorough menu at a later date. There is a cafeteria but no other eateries in the building at this point in time.”

“So we could use a cook and a manager then.” Max mused. “No. Not yet. Cupcakes first. And maybe some muffins.”

“Max's Muffins?” Caroline asked. “Really?”

“Actually they're Phil's. He has a knack for breakfast based baking.” Max told her. “He's the only one that gets my muffin.” She grinned.

Caroline rolled her eyes. “So yes or no?”

“Where do we sign?” Max asked.

“Here, here and here.” Caroline indicated on the contract. “We might regret this. You know that place is the base of the Avengers.”

“We've got a guardian clown on our side. We'll get by.” Max said as she signed the contract. “You need to sign too. We're in this together.” She said as she passed Caroline the pen.

“So how did Phil manage this?” Caroline asked as she signed the contract.

“Oh I have ways of making him talk.” Max grinned. “I'll find out.”

“Do that.” Caroline said. “I'm pretty curious as to how your ninja/repoguy boyfriend pulled this off.”

“Hell, I'll add that to the list. I'm still wondering how he gets my underwear off without me noticing.” Max grinned.

Later.... aboard the SHIELD Hellicarrier...

“Seriously, how did you pull this off?” Maria Hill asked Fury

“The Long Game and a unique understanding of humanity.” Fury grinned. “Besides, everybody likes cake.”

“You managed to reunite a set of twins, one of which is involved in the handling of a Norse God through a clown and some cupcakes.” Maria said with a shake of her head. “That has to be one of the strangest ops I've ever heard of.”

“Well, you're not going to like the latest stage of the academy for female agents then. The Williamsburg Diner is going to need some waitresses who can deal with any situation. It's the perfect proving ground for undercover ops.”

“Really?” Maria demanded.

“They won't have to touch Oleg.” Fury grinned. “Besides. I figure that place will stay open because of location no matter the turnaround rate of employees.”

“You're a sick bastard. You know that right?” Maria told him.

“Meh.” Fury shrugged. “I still sleep like a baby at night. Speaking of which. It's almost past my bedtime. We old timers need our rest. Good night Agent Hill.” Fury told her, dismissing her from his office.

Maria sighed but left his office. She had some work she needed to clear up of her own. She had to go through all the requisitions that Phil had been making lately. She didn't exactly know how, but SHIELD owed this ACME company money.

Later that night...

“Get in.” Slapstick said to Max as he gestured to his car.

“In that? I don't think my ass would fit in there, let alone the rest of me.” Max said as she stared at the tiny, yet colorful vehicle.

“It comfortably sits 49.” Slapstick told her. “It's not a troop carrier, but it works in a pinch.” He said as he offered her his hand and opened the door.

“You know I'm mad at you right?” Max told him.

“And I owe you a boatload of explanations.” Slapstick told her. “We can't be monitored inside the car.”

“Fine. But it better be spacious.” Max said before pausing. “How do I get in this thing?”

“One foot at time.” Slapstick grinned as he took her hand and helped her into the car.

“Is that a stripper pole?” Max asked as she stuck her head back out of the car door.

“Maybe.” Slapstick grinned. “This one has all the bells and whistles. I mean that. I press one button and all the bells and whistles come out.”

“Just get in the clown car.” Max told him with a mild glare before fully entering the vehicle once more.

Slapstick sighed. “It's gonna be a long night.”


AN: Think of Xander's counterpart as a David Cassidy type. I barely recognized him when he was on an episode of CSI lately.

The End?

You have reached the end of "The Road to Coulson" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 27 May 13.

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