Disclaimer: Big Red is mine, everyone else belongs to DC comics or to Whedon.
...And so it came to pass that when Poison Ivy returned to her secret lair (known to most people and even some of Cobblepot’s personal pet birds) in the park, she found it already invaded.
By a male.
Sadly, while Ivy could deal with human (or even humanoid males, such as Superman, who came from planet Krypton) males, a male dragon, seemingly full-grown (not that Ivy was an expert in this field) was something else.
“Excuse me,” she said politely (and hating herself for it – but while Ivy’s hate of patriarchy was strong, her fear of dragons was apparently even stronger), “but what are you doing here?”
“Sleeping,” the dragon rumbled, opening one of his eyes just a slit to glare at his interlocutrix. “Why are you asking?”
“I live here,” Ivy said, still polite: she wanted to set her mutant Venus flytraps onto the intruder, but this one had even bigger teeth and jaws than theirs. A stronger bite too, probably.
The dragon shifted its gaze and looked at Ivy. “I don’t mind,” he rumbled.
There was a pause as the pair stared at each other, with Ivy hoping that the dragon would just assume that she was sweating buckets because of the heat that emanated from the dragon and not because of his glare. Apparently, it worked too, for the dragon looked away first. “Look,” he rumbled. “I’ll just stay here for few nights until I figure out what to do-”
“Look,” Ivy had enough. “I am Poison Ivy, and I do not run an inn-“
“And I am Smaug the Golden. If you want to get in,” the dragon ‘yawned’, revealing his gaping gullet, “then I-“
Perhaps for the first time in her life, Ivy literally skedaddled – and out of her very own lair, too.///
The doorbell rang.
“Yes?” Faith LeHane, the morally ambiguous Vampire Slayer and a (reluctant) business associate of Talia al-Ghul (among other things) opened the door.
“Look,” Ivy was distraught enough not even to try to green the other woman as she literally barged through the door. “There’s a dragon taking over my primary hiding place and I want him out!”
“And you thought of us?” Faith curved an eyebrow.
“Yes! You’re the ones specializing in the mystical things, right?”
“...Yeah, but dragons – we don’t really do them. That is more of the Dragonriders of Pern sort of thing. Let us see if we can rig you a portal-“
“Um,” Ivy blinked. “Not to sound ungrateful, but I haven’t pulled much successful heists lately, so I am a bit strapped for cash. How much will this cost?”
There was a pause as Faith put down the portal circle (it looked actually like a wooden toilet bowl) and looked at Ivy at a new way.
“Excuse me,” a new voice rumbled from behind the green woman. “You’ve got a dragon and you’re strapped for cash?”
Ivy gulped. The voice belonged to Big Red, a giantess of a woman who claimed to have been old before the Tower of Babel was built. Ivy did not know if that was true, but Big Red had been Talia al-Ghul’s beloved nanny, and Talia was old so that made the red-haired giantess practically venerable, though in a really good shape. Also, for some unknown reason, Ivy found her to be rather intimidating, but that was neither here nor there.
“Yes,” she replied, before quickly adding: “But one has nothing to do with the other!”
“Fascinating,” Big Red tapped her fingers. “Please, go on.”
“There’s nothing to go on about,” Ivy snapped. “I’ve got a real dragon, he claims that his name is Smaug the Golden-“
“What? Who?” the much larger redhead stood up far quicker than expected. “What, what he is doing here? He dares? Dares?”
“Looks like it,” Faith came over with a somewhat worried look on her face. “Big Red, we can-“
“Shut up!” the giantess spat and exhaled.
A stream of flame that was so hot that it burned right through the fabric of reality. “Let’s go,” Big Red rumbled and went through the hole; Faith followed right away, Ivy more reluctantly. Still, if she stayed behind she would probably have to deal with Batman instead, and she really did not want to do that. So go into that hole she did.///
And on the other side of that hole was Ivy’s hideout, namely the park, and it still had a dragon in it – well, the same dragon that was there before, actually. Right now, though, instead of sleeping, he was arguing with Big Red, with both occasionally spewing plumes of fire and smoke.
“Um, what are they arguing about?” Ivy said meekly, “and is it just me, or is your cohort also draconic?”
“Well duh, how did you think she survived to this present time?” Faith replied sarcastically, as she adjusted herself to a better sitting position. “Lazarus pits supposedly are great once or twice, but take them as long as R’as supposedly has, and you start to fossilize yourself live. Being initially inhuman is a much saner way to be virtually immortal, apparently.”
“Aha,” Ivy nodded sagely, trying to hold on to her rationale – she was not the Joker to take this sort of thing in stride, after all. “And what are they arguing about?”
“I don’t know – my Draconic may be good, but nowhere this fluent,” Faith shrugged. “I think I caught something about the North Sea early one, but I’m not sure; for all I know it might be the Norse sea instead, you know?”
“Right,” Ivy pinched her nose. “The only thing lacking from making this night perfect is Harley dropping in-“
“Really, Red? Because I’m here!”
Ivy turned around. Sure enough, behind her (and facing Faith) stood Harley Quinn tugging a rather large suitcase behind.
“Harley. What a surprise. What are you doing here?” Ivy decided to sit down, feeling that the insane surprises were not over for the night.
“I’m moving in!” Harley said half brightly and half bitterly. “Apparently, Pudding has killed some floozy a long time ago, and now she decided to become a ghost and moved in with us, all wailing and weeping. Pudding loves them, but I have my pride – I will not be playing second fiddle to a ghost – a ghost that doesn’t even have a face!..”
“That makes her a La Llarona, then,” Faith said idly. “Such ghosts are supposed to drive men mad with their wailing and weeping-“
“Then she’s a lifetime too late, because my Pudding is already mad!” Harley said acidly, before zeroing in on the brunette. “Say, don’t you do some sort of an eldritch voodoo-hoodoo? Maybe you could exercise-“
“I think you mean exorcise, and no. Not while Joker is enjoying her,” Faith said firmly.
“So? You have dragons, apparently-“
“And the Joker’s the Joker. Who do you think would win?”
There was a pause as both Harley and Ivy thought about this.
“...Yeah, you got a point,” Harley admitted. “But as soon as Mr. J tires of her we’re giving her the boot!”
“Giving whom the boot?” Big Red, finished arguing with Smaug, joined the conversation.
“La Llarona,” Faith explained patiently. “How’re things on your end?”
“He’ll be staying here for a while,” Big Red shrugged, “but he agreed to pay for room and board. This should cover it.” She dumped a handful of coins into Ivy’s hands.
“...This is gold,” Ivy said after a closer look at them. “Real gold.”
“You’re involved in dragon business now, honey,” Big Red said with a friendly smile that was also somewhat cannibalistic. “Dragons don’t really like this paper stuff – it is just too flammable.”
“Good point,” Ivy said sagely, accepting the gold. “Will he be staying here for long?”
“We’ll see,” Big Red yawned, revealing briefly a mouth full of teeth that were simply inhuman. “Good night for now. Faith, let’s go.”
And with another reality-burning breath, the ‘mystical duo’ was gone.
“Red?” Harley asked, now more tentative than the usual. “I didn’t know that you’re running a tenant service now; I don’t have much money on me-“
“Harley,” Ivy loved Harley, but she wanted some peace and quiet for now. “Stop. Remember, what I told you the last time you dropped in?”
“I was welcome here any time?”
“Exactly,” Ivy said brightly. “So unpack and let’s enjoy tonight.”
“And your new gold?”
“Well go and talk to the Penguin tomorrow.” Things were looking up for Poison Ivy at last: Harley was staying for an indefinite amount of time and she actually had some gold on her hands. (Ivy rarely had gold, because she was not into metals – that was not her thing at all.) “But for now, Harley, glad to have you on board.”
And as the blonde and the redhead began to unpack, Ivy reckoned that things could have turned out much more badly for her.End