By Hanane EL Mokkadem
"Tsuna-san, did you finally find Lambo-kun, I-pin-chan, and Futa-kun?" Haru's anxious voice called out from around the corner startling Lambo who was just about to shoot himself with the Ten Year Bazooka.
Tsuna almost groaned out loud when Lambo panicked, lost control of his bazooka, and accidentally shot Haru with it. Tsuna was well aware of Lambo's tendency to pull out his Bazooka at first sign of trouble, or even in anger, really, but now was really not the time. Not with the Varia standing right in front of them ready and willing to tear them apart at a moment's notice.
The fight that was all but ready to break out moments before halted in its tracks when Lambo's Bazooka hit Haru. It must have been the shock of seeing a five-year old boy pulling a Bazooka out of his hair - which was something that still mystified Tsuna and had Gokudera go through many, many, notepads writing about hair, supernatural cows, and their usage of sub-space pockets - and then shoot an innocent girl with it that stopped the Varia from attacking.
For Tsuna it was a blessing in disguise because although he hated Lambo's Ten Year Bazooka with a fiery passion for all the inconvenience it brought him in the past, and probably future too, he'd take anything if it meant he had a couple of minutes respite from the flames of a man who looked about ready to slaughter him six-ways from Sunday. Xanxus looked like a serial killer ready to let loose and as his intended victim, Tsuna wanted to run the other way screaming for his mother.
He probably would too, if Reborn would let him.
He watched as the familiar pink smoke engulfed his friendly stalker, and Tsuna had to admit if it happened at any other time, he would've been curious about the ten year later Haru.
It was bad timing that Haru happened upon them and startled Lambo enough to shoot her instead of himself. He was just happy that Haru and Kyoko split up in order to look for the kids more effectively, and hoped Kyoko would be searching for Lambo I-pin and Futa far away from his location. He didn't want Kyoko anywhere near him, not when he was about to receive the beat-down of a lifetime. He really didn't.
He ignored Gokudera's grumblings about cows and stupid women and how he would have a simpler life if only his Juudaime would just allow him to blow them both up, and turned to Xanxus and the rest of the Varia.
He breathed a silent sigh of relief to see they were still preoccupied with identifying the pink smoke.
"Ushishishi," the blond guy with a tiara laughed creepily. "Interesting weapon you have there, turning something into pink smoke. The prince wants one."
Tsuna's felt a shiver crawl over his skin at the thought of the Varia in possession of the TY bazooka. He'd have to keep it as far away from them as possible.
His head snapped back to the familiar pink smoke that was slowly being cleared when an agonizing scream sounded.
"Haru?" Tsuna asked hesitantly, slowly stepping forward. His jaw dropped when the pink smoke slowly disappeared.
"Haru?" he asked again, eyes and mouth wide open in shock. His TYL friend was clearly in pain, holding her big, round, and very pregnant belly, while trying and failing to do breathing exercises, her polka-dotted hospital gown straining around her large belly.
The woman who he knew was a ten-year later version of the girl always following him around pestering him for dates, looked up from the floor she was lying on.
"Tsuna-kun?" she asked breathlessly voice filled with pain. "Hahi, What happen-" she stopped when she looked around from him, to Lambo, I-pin and Futa, to Reborn and Gokudera, back to him, then to Yamamoto and Ryouhei, back to him, then to the Varia, only to finally settle back on Lambo.
Tsuna received another shock when the kind and cheery girl he knew turned into a dark angry monster with the killing intent of a demon.
A dark cloud filled with promises of blood and pain formed above her head.
"Bovino Lambo," she hissed through clenched teeth. "I'm going to slaughter you like the stupid little cow you are, before I strangle you with your own intestines. Then I'll feed you-," her threat broke with a choked gasp that slowly morphed into an pain-filled moan.
"Oi, what's wrong with you, Stupid Woman?"
Haru squinted her eyes, took a deep breath through her nose and loudly exhaled through her mouth as she glared at Gokudera. "What does it look like, Idiot?" she moaned clutching her midsection. "Haru is in labor!"
Tsuna choked in shock and almost had a heart-attack when her words penetrated through the daze that seemed to cloud his mind ever since his TYL friend showed up pregnant.
Gokudera seemed to have lost all ability to form coherent sentences as he just gaped at Haru like a fish.
"Really? Hahaha, congratulations, Haru," Yamamoto grinned widely.
"I extremely don't understand, but congratulations to the extreme!"
Tsuna ignored Yamamoto and Ryouhei with practiced ease while his eyes stayed glued on Haru.
"Labor?" Tsuna squeaked. "Hiiiiieeee, You're having a baby?" he quickly swallowed back the 'It's not mine, is it?' part that was running through his mind.
"No shit, Genius," she growled. She looked around confusedly. "When is this? Haru doesn't remember this?"
The tall guy standing next to Xanxus with a weird mustache and piercing scratched his head confusedly. "So wait, let me get this straight, that cow kid has a bazooka that impregnates people?" he asked looking at Lambo like he was a dangerous animal about to pounce. "And I have to fight him?"
"Ushishishi, good luck, Octopus-head."
Haru's breathing sped up and she groaned in pain as she glared at the strange mustache man. "Haru always knew you were an idiot, Levi-san, seriously. But this just raised you to a whole other level of stupidity."
The weird mustache dude, dubbed Levi by Haru, spluttered in indignation. Tsuna wondered how well Haru knew him in the future to make a statement like that. An accurate one too if his comments on Lambo's bazooka were anything to go by.
"Voooooiiiiiiiiiiiii what the fuck is going on?" the white-haired guy screamed, interrupting Tsuna's thoughts and making everyone around him wince at the volume. "Where the fuck did this pregnant scum come from?"
"The Ten Year Bazooka is a weapon invented by the Bovino famiglia. When you're shot by the Bazooka it exchanges you with your future self from ten years later for a set amount of time," Reborn's squeaky voice sounded. "And to answer your question, Haru, we were about to enter a conflict about the Lightning Ring," he explained.
"Hahi," Haru groaned and clutched her big round belly. "This cannot be happening."
Tsuna could do nothing but watch helplessly as his friend endured the pain of childbirth, hoping with every fiber of his being the ten minutes would run out before she delivered her baby right in front of them.
"So the Varia is still our enemy at this point in time?" she gritted out through clenched teeth. "You are so dead. You'll be lucky if Haru's husband finds you and sets you on fire before Haru gets her hands on you, because Haru will do much worse," she spat at the now cowering Lambo.
"Wait, still our enemy? Is there a time when they're not?" Gokudera asked surprised. "Hey answer me, Stupid Woman," he said irritated when she didn't give him a second glance.
"Haru can't do this," she muttered, voice laced with pain and misery. "Haru can't do this, it hurts too much. Haru is not suppose to be doing this alone."
Tsuna walked forward and kneeled next to her. "You're not alone," he said hesitantly, not knowing what to say, but not liking the desperation on his usually cheery friend's face. "I'm right here, and so is everyone else."
"Thanks, Tsuna-kun, really, but Haru-" she gritted her teeth and screamed when another contraction hit. This one seemed even more powerful than the last.
"Xanxus," she whimpered, making Tsuna freeze. He looked around to see if he was only imagining things but widened his eyes when he was clearly not the only one to hear it. Xanxus was looking at Haru with a cold expression.
"Who the hell gave you permission to say my name, Trash?" he growled, slowly stepping towards her. Tsuna tensed and noticed his friends getting ready to react if Xanxus made a hostile move. It eased his heart only a little because he knew that with the exception of Reborn, they were no match for him.
"Xanxus, please, Haru..." a tear slipped from the corner of her eye. "Haru doesn't care about the rules of time travel, she doesn't give a fuck about time paradoxes or whatever the hell else, Haru doesn't even give a shit if the universe explodes because you know too much about the future, all Haru knows is that Haru needs Xanxus. This is not supposed to be happening. We were suppose to-" she choked and put a hand on her protruding belly, trying to breathe through the pain, but failing when an agonized moan escaped from her mouth.
"Xanxus, you Bastard, if you let Haru go through bringing your first child into this world alone, Haru will never forgive you!" she suddenly growled to the shock of everyone around her.
"Haru means it, you Asshole, hold Haru's fucking hand while she's having your baby!"
Tsuna didn't know what to say, really he didn't. It wasn't everyday he found out his friend was going to be impregnated by his greatest enemy. It was a strange feeling he had, like a reality just shifted and made a place for flying pigs, frozen hells and other impossible things like that.
Judging by the expression of every person around him, they were experiencing very much the same. He could actually hear Gokudera muttering something about UMA possession.
"Ushishishi, this is starting to get amusing," the tiara wearing guy giggled to the baby floating next to him.
"I wonder if I can make everyone pay admission fee," the baby retorted thoughtfully.
Xanxus ignored his subordinates and glared at Haru. "What the fuck do you mean by that, Trash?"
Xanxus, who upgraded from looking like a serial killer to someone who frequently participated in committing genocide, glared at Haru like the homicidal manic that he was.
"Hahi! Haru doesn't care if you don't remember fathering this child, you are going to take responsibility for your actions, Mister, even if you technically haven't done anything yet. Haru means it Xanxus, Haru is having your baby, hold Haru's fucking hand!" her last word turned into a painful screech when another contraction hit.
"Vooooiiiiii, you mean that it's the Boss's kid in there? How the fuck did that happen?" the loud white-haired man looked like he'd just been told the sky was red, when he'd thought it had been blue all his life.
"I'm a bit busy with delivering your Boss's first born child into this world to explain to you about the birds and bees, Squalo. But I'm pretty sure Lussuria-nee is more than happy to give you a very thorough explanation," Haru puffed.
The man with strangely colored hair who Tsuna assumed to be Lussuria...nee? did look delighted to do just that if his suggestions to the white-haired man, Squalo, Haru had called him, were anything to go by.
Squalo ignored his vivid and arguably disturbing suggestions like it was something he did daily and eyed Haru. "No, seriously how'd you get our shitty boss to knock you up, I though he was asexual."
"Shut the fuck up, Trash!" Xanxus growled.
Haru gasped loudly when the contraction stopped,her hair was drenched in sweat. "The contractions are not very far apart,Haru is going to have to start pushing soon," she hissed breathlessly. "Xanxus, please," she pleaded. "Haru knows you're a homicidal maniac bastard that doesn't give a shit about anything but becoming Decimo right now, but Haru is your future wife and she's having your child, Haru needs her Xanxus to be here, and since he's ten years away, probably destroying the hospital room in a fit of rage at the disappearance of his wife and unborn son, you're going to have to stand in for him."
"The fuck you say?" Xanxus asked incredulously. "I haven't seen any proof that you are my wife, and even if you are, that kid ain't mine."
Xanxus and Haru completely caught up in their argument seemed to forget about everyone around them.
Haru's face turned completely red in anger. "Hahi! Are you accusing Haru of cheating on you?" she asked incredulously. "You utter, utter bastard! When Haru goes back to the future she's going to make you pay for that! No sex until you grovel at Haru's feet, Haru means it Xanxus. Especially no kinky sex in strange places, that's how Haru got pregnant in the first place!"
The utter silence that followed this deceleration clearly reminded Haru that she wasn't alone with her future husband. Her already red face turned even more red. "You see what you did, you Bastard. You made Haru talk about our sex life in front of our friends. Haru hates you!"
Tsuna could see that Haru was clearly at the end of her rope he turned to Reborn desperate to find a way to help his friend. He scowled when he saw the demon baby was too engrossed with the spectacle before him to tell him what to do.
Yamamoto stepped forward and crouched next to Haru. "Maa, maa, Haru, I'm sure he didn't mean it that way. You shouldn't get yourself so worked up, hahaha. You're in labor remember, it can't be good for the baby."
Haru wiped away her tears and took a deep breath trying to stop the tears. "You're right, Takeshi-kun," she said softly. "I need to think about the baby first not about his bastard of a father who accused Haru of cheating, and forcing the child of another man, on him."
"That's not what I meant," Xanxus said gruffly to his crying future wife. "I just meant that the kid ain't mine yet. I never wanted a kid, and I don't think I want to know what you did to make me agree to get one either-"
"Haru didn't," she hiccuped softly. "This was all your idea. Haru wanted to wait a little while longer but you... well, it doesn't really mater anymore no-" she suddenly stopped talking and started taking deep breaths.
"Are you okay?" Tsuna asked worriedly at the panic evident on her face.
"Oh God, Haru can't do this. Haru has to push, she feels like- the baby, it's coming."
She was in full-blown panic, hyperventilating and pressing her legs together as if she could force the baby to stay inside of her by sheer power of will.
"Haru!" Yamamoto called. "Haru, stop it, calm down."
Tsuna panicked when she wouldn't listen and tried to call for her too. Unfortunately, everyone else seemed to have something to say too, from Lambo asking her for candy, to Gokudera yelling about keeping her legs closed lest she traumatized the Juudaime. Ryouhei who had been uncharacteristically silent since she arrived just yelled something with a lot of extremes woven into it.
The Varia members seemed to have something to add too, the tiara guy just giggled like the creep he clearly was while the floating baby offered to deliver Haru's baby for a fee, Levi just accused her of a lot of things and Squalo seemed to say vooiiiiiiii a lot. Lussuria was chatting away about all the fun things they'd do in the future, just two girls together, never mind the fact that he was clearly a man.
Things were going wrong very fast and he didn't really know how to help.
"Shut the hell up, you fucking scum!" Xanxus shouted, making everyone stop. Everything was silent except for Haru's hyperventilating.
"Hey, Woman. Listen to me!" he said sharply, placing a hand at the back of her neck. "I don't know how you got me to marry you, but I know I wouldn't have married someone weak. So man the fuck up, and show me the reason I chose you as my wife and mother of my child."
The woman looked up at him with startled eyes.
"Xanxus," she whimpered in a way that sounded very wrong to his ears.
Sure there had been people whimpering his name before, while he was torturing them, on the verge of killing them or sometimes even while fucking them, but not like this. The way she said his name was as if he was the answer to all her troubles, no, as if he was the answer to everything period. He could see how that could be addicting, if that's how she snared his future self. Or maybe his future self really was some kind of super hero saving damsels left and right, loving her with all his heart. Yeah, not fucking likely.
"Xanxus, it hurts. Haru needs to push."
'Oh fuck me.' What the hell was he supposed to tell his 'wife' to stop her from popping the damn brat out in the middle of the fucking street? Did he really choose this woman as his wife? What the fuck was his future self thinking, he probably wasn't. Or the most likely option was that he was letting his dick lead him around, which admittedly didn't sound like him at all, but was the more likely option if his reaction to her earlier words about kinky sex in strange places was any indication.
"You're having my kid, if what you say is true and I went through all the trouble of convincing you to to have a child, and knocking you up, I know the other me is gonna get pissed if something went wrong. Stop panicking." he turned to Reborn. "How long 'till she goes back?"
"Not long, maybe another minute." Reborn said, looking inappropriately regretful at having to see her go and losing his entertainment.
Someone really needed to kill that fucking baby.
"You've got one minute left before you go back, you can hold it together for on more minute."
"Haru doesn't think she can," she sobbed.
"Haru can do it, because I'm telling her that she can. One minute, that's all, then you'll be with future me again. You want to see me right?"
Ah fuck, he was never going to live this shit down, his men would taunt him with this until their dying day which would come up very quickly if that scum didn't cut it the fuck out.
"Yes. Haru wants future Xanxus, he's still a stupid bastard but at least he loves Haru and the little boy in Haru's belly."
Xanxus grimaced at her words but ignored them in favor of making sure his future wife didn't deliver their baby in the past. Because yeah, so not ready to be someone's father. Ever. He didn't now what the fuck his older self had been smoking when he came up with this shit, but whatever it was he's staying the hell away from it. Being someone's husband was bad enough, he didn't need to bring a brat into an already fucked up situation.
"A son huh?" he asked thoughtfully. At least it was a boy. He wouldn't know what the fuck to do with a girl. Not that he knew much about what to do with a boy, but still.
His wife groaned as another contraction hit. "You guessed it was a boy, and Haru thought it was a girl, you won, obviously."
Just as the words left her mouth she was enveloped in pink smoke.
"Hahi! Where is this pink smoke coming from? Haru is going to get an asthma attack if this keeps up."
He heard the Sawada trash cry in relief when the smoke cleared and his pregnant wife disappeared to make room for her younger version.
Heh, crises averted, let his future self deal with that stupid woman and her bullshit, he was the fucking idiot that decided to knock her up after all, it was only fair.
"Haru!" the Sawada trash yelled sounding awfully a lot like a girl.
"Hahi! Tsuna-san what's going on?" she looked around and startled when she found him kneeling beside her, hand still placed on her neck. "You look familiar," she said thoughtfully.
Yeah, no shit, he was standing right there ten minutes ago, hell bent on killing her friends, he should look familiar. What he actually wanted to do was meet up with his future self and just ask 'Really? Her, really?'
"Hey, Haru remembers you! You were that angry man from the hospital, you were throwing all those doctors around because your pregnant wife suddenly disappeared. You were very worried because she was in labor. Hahi, you must love your wife very much, did you find her? Haru wishes she had someone who cares about her like that."
Well, he wasn't even going to touch that one with a ten feet pole. Because if it was him - which he was pretty sure he wasn't because him worried? Hell no - then it was pretty ironic.
She studied him carefully. "Your hair is different though, and that other you didn't look so mean, he was very kind to Haru, even if he was very rudely throwing all those things at the white-haired man who yelled 'voooiiii' a lot. Are you his evil twin? Did you kidnap his pregnant wife to use her in your evil plot for world domination? Haru saw something like that in a Korean drama last week."
Alright so maybe it was him. But this girl, what the hell kind of reality did she live in? Evil twin brothers, kidnapping pregnant women, plotting world domination? Alright maybe the world domination part wasn't too far off, but he sure as fuck wasn't going around kidnapping pregnant women, what the hell was wrong with her.
Again the question he wanted to ask his idiot older self; 'really?'
"If you are some evil fiend who kidnaps pregnant women, Haru's telling Tsuna-san and he will defeat you," she said imperiously.
"Hiiiiiieeee! Don't volunteer me for such things, Haru," the Sawada scum yelled. "Do you want to see me dead?"
Xanxus ignored the girly boy's squeaks and gave his wife - and he really should stop calling her that in his head - an incredulous look before standing up and walking away. He wasn't staying there a second longer than necessary lest he was infected by their stupidity.
"Let's go, Trash," he growled at his subordinates. "I need to drink an entire liqueur cabinet to erase these past ten minutes out of my mind."
"Vooooooiiiiiii, Shitty Boss, what about the damn rings?"
We'll come back later, preferably when she's far, far away from them in case that stupid brat shoots her with that fucking bazooka again. Let's go, Scum."
He was staying the fuck away from this girl because although he thought she was a fucking waste of space, he could almost understand why his future self would be interested in the older, more likable, version. For Xanxus it was the first time in his life that someone had looked at him like that, had depended on him like that, had loved him like that.
Because above all, he could still see her eyes filled with love for him.
He shuddered at the memory. Maybe he'd try two liquor cabinets, he didn't think one would be enough, not to forget something like that.
A/N: This is my first KHR fic. I love Xanxus! There are not enough stories about him, so I thought I'd write my own.
Did I write him alright or was he out of character? Haru was swearing, yes, I'm aware, but she's ten years older, many of those years she spent living with the Varia, and she's in labor. I'd say fuck too if that happened to me.
Future Haru calls Tsuna, Tsuna-kun instead of Tsuna-san, and Yamamoto-kun, Takeshi-kun. It's deliberate. I'm trying to show that they grew closer over those ten years. Hope I succeeded.
So, let me know what you think?
If you see any mistakes please drop me a line, I don't have a beta.
I'd really appreciate it.