Faith the Librarian.By Dave Turner.Disclaimer:
I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Sir Terry Prachett's disc world novels or even 'Call of Cthulhu'. I write these stories for fun not profit.Crossover:
Discworld novels and 'Call of Cthulhu' (RPG).Spelling, Punctuation, and Grammar:
Written in glorious English-English which is different to American-English.Timeline:
Second story in the 'Grim Up North 2' series.Words:
Always return your Library books on time.Summary:
A ‘Grim Up North 2’ story; There’s overdue book fines to collect, an inter-dimensional orang-utan hiding in the stacks and something nasty in the 'Ladies' on the 2nd floor; it’s all in a day’s work for…Faith the Librarian!0=0=0=0 “Between the years when the ocean swallowed Sunnydale and during the rise of the 'Slayer Organisation', there was an age undreamed of, when books were lent out from University Libraries all across the world! Hither came Faith, date stamp in hand and glasses balanced on the end of her nose. It is I, her chronicler, who knows well her saga. Now let me tell you of the days of high adventure and of...(Cue Heroic Music)...Faith the Librarian!”The Grimsdyke Memorial Library, Middlesbrough University, early May, 2006.
Dressed in a soft, cream, almost translucent blouse and smart dark grey skirt, Faith glared at the student from her seat behind the counter at the Grimsdyke Memorial Library.
“What do you mean ya can't pay the fine?” Faith asked coldly, her hands itching to wring the arrogant little bitch's neck.
“Oh no, I mean I won't
pay the fine,” the girl; who was dressed in expensive, designer, faded jeans, silk blouse and Prada jacket, turned to her giggling friends and laughed lightly.
Her attitude seemed to be, how dare this lowly librarian ask her to pay something so crass as a fine for not returning the books she'd borrowed. After all it wasn't as if she'd read any of them, she'd just carried them around to make herself look more intelligent than she actually was.
Grinding her teeth, Faith checked the library's computer and found out the girl's name, what course she was supposed to be on and how much she owed in late return fines. Stifling a gasp of horror, Faith saw that she owed nearly £100 in fines.
“So ya not gonna pay, huh?” Faith asked with deceptive calm.
“Why should I?” asked the girl, Sophie Heatherington-Parks by name, “It's not as if I read any of them, so,” she dumped the unread books on the counter, “there you are you silly woman, you should be grateful that I brought them back at all!”
Looking at the roughly stacked pile of books, Faith saw a coffee ring on the cover of the top book, she was sure that couldn't have been there when the book was lent out, Mrs Wendell (the head librarian) just wouldn't have allowed it.
“So, ya not going to pay the fine, right?” Faith repeated menacingly.
“No,” Heatherington-Parks replied as she was just about to turn and walk away.
“Wrong answer!” reaching out to the girl, Faith grabbed Heatherington-Parks by her expensive jacket and pulled her half way across the counter.
“I say!” squealed the girl in panic, “What do you think you're doing? I demand you put me down immediately!”
“Not until you've paid,” Faith silenced the posh girl's friends with just a look when they started to complain, “Hey!” she added, “Can't ya read the signs,” Faith jerked her head at the sign on the counter, 'Quiet Please' it read.
Reaching across the counter with her free hand, Faith grabbed Heatherington-Parks' bag and rifled through its contents until she found her wallet. Opening the wallet she found a credit card and slipped it into the card reader on the counter top.
“Enter ya pin!” Faith growled.
“No,” Heatherington-Parks replied with more bravery than sense.
Shifting her grip, Faith held the girl by the throat and started to squeeze.
“Enter ya pin,” Faith snarled, “before I pop ya head like it was a zit!”
Gasping for air, Heatherington-Parks desperately entered her pin number into the card reader, Faith waited until the payment was confirmed before she released her hold on the girl's neck.
“Now get out of here an' don't come back, if y'know what's good for ya,” Faith warned.
“Can...” the girl coughed and held her hand to her bruised throat as she starred in fear at Faith, “...can...I have my credit card back...” once again Faith glared at the girl, “...please.”
Taking the card from the reader, Faith threw it at the girl and then watched with barely concealed contempt as the girl and her friends hurriedly left the library.
“Anything wrong, Miss Lehane?” Mrs Wendell appeared, as if by magic, behind Faith.
“No Ma'am,” Faith turned and practically stood at attention in front of the head librarian, “just a little disagreement over a late return fine,” Faith smiled reassuringly, “its all settled now, Ma'am.”
“Jolly good,” Mrs Wendell smiled at Faith, “Keep up the good work.”
“Sure thing, Ma'am,” Faith watched as her boss walked off into the main part of the library.0=0=0=0
Such a nice young woman, Mrs Wendell thought as she walked between the rows of shelves that held her charges, and so polite. Mrs Wendell smiled as she remembered how Faith always called her 'Ma'am'; how she was always so smartly turned out and how everyone seemed to be returning their books on time since she'd started to work at the library. Again Mrs Wendell smiled, she really must find time to write a note to Rupert Giles and thank him for sending Faith to her.0=0=0=0
Having been made homeless sometime previously by losing her barmaid job, Faith had been forced to camp out on Xander’s couch for several weeks. This arrangement had not worked out, Harris had this thing about people leaving wet towels on the floor. Plus there was the way Faith left her underwear lying about all over the flat which made the place look like a bomb had hit a Chinese Laundry. Eventually they’d both ended up going individually to Giles to beg him to find Faith somewhere else to live. As it happened Dawn’s flat mate, Violet, had recently moved out to go and live with her boyfriend, so there was a room free at Dawn’s place.
At first Faith was a little unsure about the idea of moving in with Buffy’s little sister. In fact she’d told Giles that she thought it was a ‘freaking bad idea man…okay?’. Faith now smiled at her old worries; but, didn’t everyone have a right to be wrong? Surprisingly the two young women had hit it off from the day Faith moved in. They'd quickly discovered they’d something in common and that ‘something’ was Buffy Summers. In particular the way she tried to run people’s lives for them. Dawn still loved her sister and deep down Faith had actually always liked Buffy, but what both of them hated about the senior Summers sister was the way she thought she knew what was best for people....particularly Dawn.
It’d been on her first day after moving in with Dawn that Faith had asked the younger woman for help. The fact was that Faith wasn’t stupid, she was just badly educated. Having an active mind as well as an incredibly hot body, Faith felt frustrated when she went to the weekly slayer briefings and found that she didn’t understand half of what was being discussed or even the words being used to discuss them.
Over a cup of tea one evening Faith had begged Dawn to help her ‘improve’ herself, she wanted to understand maybe even contribute something at the meetings. So, with Dawn’s help, Faith had started to read things that weren’t comic books and she slowly developed an interest in local history, which Faith discovered was incredibly bloody. Now, when Giles was briefing the slayers on some local threat, he’d often look at Faith and raise a questioning eyebrow as he did so. What Faith thought was so fantastic was that almost every time he did this she knew something that Giles didn’t.
The feeling Faith got when she stood up to explain something new or add something that Giles had missed made her heart swell with pride. But, that feeling was nothing compared to the look of satisfaction and love that Dawn gave her. Dawn and Faith’s relationship had started after one particularly bloody mission to Scotland and had been sealed after Buffy had burst into Dawn’s bedroom to find her sister in bed with Faith. Things had sort of gone down hill for Buffy from that point; what with her alcoholism and eventually landing up in prison on totally trumped up burglary charges. By comparison, Faith’s and Dawn’s relationship had gone from strength to strength. They’d grown particularly close during Buffy’s stay in jail and now neither one could imagine life without the other.0=0=0=0
It was later in the day and Faith was pushing her cart of books between the stacks, her sensible low heeled, black shoes hardly making a sound on the hard wearing carpet. Pausing at the end of a row of shelves, she glanced up at a sign above her head, ‘General Interest’ it said; turning her cart she pushed it down between the stacks into this little used part of the library.
By ‘little used’, she meant ‘little used’ for studying and actually reading the books that were neatly lined up on the shelves. On several occasions she’d found students making out amongst the musty books. However, someone had been down here recently to actually use the area for its intended purpose as the books on her little cart testified. Bringing her trolley to a halt, Faith picked up a book and tried to check the title and catalogue number, she screwed up her eyes as she tried to focus. Muttering angrily to herself before admitting defeat, Faith put on her cute, gold rimmed, reading glasses; well, Dawn said they were cute, Faith wasn’t so sure.
Adjusting her spectacles, which as has already been noted, Dawn claimed made her look even hotter that she normally was, Faith tried again and read the information off the spine; ‘25117, Fly Fishing by J R Hartley’. For a moment Faith frowned to herself; why would anyone want to go fish for flies? Why not zap them with a can of Raid or something? Sighing she slipped the book back into its place on the shelf and told herself that it was probably just some weird English hobby. Compared to most of the inhabitants of this strange island, Giles was almost normal.0=0=0=0
Pushing her cart further on down the lines of stacks, Faith froze as she stepped on something that ‘crunched’ under her foot. Stepping back half a pace, she bent down to retrieve the recently crushed peanut shell. Looking at the shell over the tops of her glasses, Faith’s lips formed a thin line as she examined this latest piece of evidence. Someone had been eating in the library. This was a crime right up there with turning the corners down on a page to mark your place in a book; or so Mrs Wendell claimed. Over the last couple of weeks Faith had been finding little piles of discarded peanut shells, old banana skins and books out of order. Once or twice she’d even found a pile of books sitting in the walkways between the stacks. Mrs Wendell was convinced that some of the students were playing games with her.
You see, Mrs Wendell had standards, they were the same standards that made her insist that her staff wore smart clothes to work and not arrive in jeans and t-shirts. That her staff should treat the students and staff in a firm but fair way and not as the drooling barbarians they really were. But above all else Mrs Wendell had a respect for the printed word that would have made Giles look like a semi-literate child who'd only just learned not to scribble on the pages of his books with crayons.
As a result of these ‘standards’ (which to be honest Faith’d had a problem with when Giles had first got her the job of Assistant Librarian) the students appeared to see Mrs Wendell as something of a joke and therefore a target for all their lame, juvenile, pranks. Now after Faith had been working at the library for over six months, she was firmly on the side of Mrs Wendell. Faith liked the woman, she was nice and cared about her staff and Faith would kill for her if the need ever arose, the Chief Librarian instilled that sort of loyalty in her staff.
Casting her eyes about, Faith saw another discarded shell a little further along the corridor between the stacks. Pushing her cart ahead of her she came up to the next piece of evidence and after replacing her glasses in their case and leaving them on her cart, Faith picked up the shell and looked at it before putting it next to her glasses. Thinking quickly, she remembered that there was a reading area at the end of this line of stacks; a prime location for students using the library as a place for making out (another activity that Mrs Wendell thought inappropriate for a library).
Leaving her cart behind, Faith moved quickly and quietly between the stacks towards the reading area. Pausing to listen she could hear the sound of pages being turned to the accompaniment of inhuman sounding squeaks and mutterings. A demon in the library? Faith hesitated, should she go back to her cart for a weapon, or should she confront whatever was using the library without permission? Faith was fairly sure that Mrs Wendell would frown on demons using the library.
Reconsidering, Faith decided not to go back for the heavy bladed combat knife hidden amongst the books on her trolley. There was, after all a slim possibility that it was just a couple of students reading a book in between bouts of love-making. Leaping out on students (even ones using the library as a place to screw) brandishing a huge, razor sharp battle knife in her hand would probably earn her a disapproving look from Mrs Wendell (even if the woman privately applauded Faith’s actions). No, thought Faith as she prepared to confront the miscreant, it would be best if she went in with just her hands and feet as weapons.
Sneaking silently up to the corner of the row of stacks, Faith listened to the strange mutterings coming from the reading area not more than a couple of yards away around the corner. Taking a deep breath, she composed herself. If it was just students she didn’t want to beat them to a bloody pulp; well, she did really, but that would probably be ‘bad’, whatever Mrs Wendell might secretly think. Calm now, Faith turned to go on around the corner and confront however was using the library for purposes other than reading books.
“OOK!” Said the large, surprised looking orang-utan at Faith’s unexpected appearance.
“AAGH!” Replied Faith, after all not even slayers expected to come face to face with large, hairy, orange, apes in the middle of a university library; recovering quickly Faith grabbed a handful of orange chest hair, “GOTCHA!”
“EEEK!” The orang-utan dropped the book he’d been reading, snatched up a handful of empty peanut shells and threw them in Faith’s face.
“BASTARD!” Faith cried as she blinked trying to keep the bits of shell from getting in her eyes.
However, the ape’s tactics had worked and with a sound like cloth ripping he pulled himself away from Faith leaving her standing there with nothing but a handful of orange hair in her hand.
“Why you...!” Faith made another grab for the orang-utan as it tried to make his escape, grabbing at the creature, Faith’s fingers missed their intended target by a fraction of an inch.
Knuckling his way between the stacks the orang-utan began to make his escape with Faith in hot pursuit.
“Come back here ya hairy, orange, pest!” Faith muttered under her breath as she gave chase.
The ape disappeared around a corner ahead of Faith. Slowing to a walk, she crept up to the corner and carefully looked into the area beyond. Jerking her head back into cover she narrowly missed getting a copy of Tolstoy’s ‘War and Peace’ full in the face.
“HA!” Faith cried as she picked up the book and replaced it on a shelf, “Playing for keeps, huh?”
The orang-utan had foolishly run into the nineteenth century author’s section, there was only one way in and out of this section and Faith was standing in it. Looking right and left the ape searched for an escape route as Faith advanced slowly and menacingly towards him.
Smiling mirthlessly at the orang-utan, Faith continued advancing on the ape. The fact that the creature was three hundred pounds of muscle and bone didn’t worry her in the slightest. Full of righteous indignation that the sanctity of the library had been violated, Faith would have taken on the hordes of hell at that point (having recently seen the hordes of hell while she was out shopping with Dawn, she knew they weren’t that tough).
“OOOOK!” Cried the orang-utan threateningly as he bared tombstone like teeth at Faith.
Unimpressed Faith launched herself at the beast, the ape tried to escape her by climbing up the side of the stacks and disappearing over the top. Grabbing hold of the ape by a foot, Faith held on as she was hit by an avalanche of books that bounced off her head and shoulders. Giving a mighty tug, she pulled the ape down to land on top of her as they rolled about amid the scattered books on the floor.
Long arms and squat legs appeared to be everywhere as Faith fought to free herself from the orang-utan’s embrace. If she could get an arm free she knew she’d be able to give the ape such a beating that the fight, such as it was, would be over in seconds. Fumbling around on the floor as the ape tried to escape and Faith tried to keep hold of him, the ape’s hand came to rest on Faith’s breast.
Suddenly both parties froze in place, the orang-utan gave Faith a sort of embarrassed, apologetic smile while Faith gave the ape a very hard look. Quickly removing his hand the orang-utan finally gave up on his attempts at escape. He looked at Faith with big, brown pleading eyes as if he was asking her not to turn him in. But Faith was determined to see the ape behind bars, he’d thrown a book at her and that sort of behaviour was not to be tolerated…he might have damaged the book.
“Okay,” Faith climbed to her feet, before pulling the ape to his, “ya busted!”
“Oook?” replied the orang-utan sadly, he reached up and took hold of Faith’s hand as he looked pleadingly at her once more.
“Hey, look,” Faith began to explain, “ya can’t come in here reading the books and leaving peanut shells and banana skins lying around. I bet ya ain’t even got a library card.”
“Ook!” Replied the ape as he grinned and produced a library card for Faith’s inspection.
Taking the card gingerly, after all she’d no idea where the ape had been keeping it, Faith checked it out. It was in fact a genuine library card, however, without a bar code reader she wouldn’t be able to find out who it’d been issued to. Noticing that Faith was distracted, as he’d intended her to be, The Librarian took his chance. Slipping his hand from Faith’s grasp he knuckled off down a side passage.
Hearing the sound of the slayer's feet pounding along behind him The Librarian, skidded around a corner on one foot and knocked two students (who were in a passionate embrace and not reading books as they should be) flying. Increasing speed The Librarian headed for the portal that would take him to his home Library at the Unseen University in Ankh-Morpork. In hot pursuit once more, Faith came around the corner and almost tripped over the students who were now pawing at each other on the floor.
“Get a room, will ya?” Faith snapped as she jumped over the recumbent forms.
Once free of the student distraction, Faith looked up to see the orang-utan disappear around the corner ahead of her. Smiling she realised where he was heading, the Occult Section. This section was a little room off the main part of the library and was rarely used by anyone who wasn’t called Willow Rosenberg or Rupert Giles (they both had library cards claiming they were visiting lecturers). The ape had played right into Faith hands and this time she wasn’t going to let the hairy pest escape!
Slowing to a walk, Faith burst into the occult section. Shrugging off the feeling of unease she got as she passed through the doorway; she knew it was just a hex put in place by Red. The spell was there to discourage the students from using the place for anything that they shouldn’t; Willow had been concerned about the affect all the sexual energy was having on the books in this part of the library.
The room was closely packed with rows of shelves, quickly Faith worked her way along the rows looking down each passageway in search of the ape. Coming to the forth or fifth row, Faith saw the ape sitting on the floor apparently reading from a heavy leather bound tome. Rushing towards the orang-utan, Faith was on him in a trice and had grabbed him by the shoulders just as he stood up and took a pace forward.
For an instant, no more that a heartbeat really, Faith had the impression of beams of sunlight streaming in through tall, stained glass windows and on to stacks which seemed to disappear up into the darkness of the dust and cobweb shrouded rafters above her. Almost as soon as her mind had registered this vision, she found herself standing once more in the occult section of her own library with nothing to show for her adventures other than two handfuls of orange hair.0=0=0=0
It was nearly closing time at the library and Faith was walking the upper floor to check that there were no students hiding out in the stacks. Walking up to the door of the 'Men's Room', Faith knocked loudly on the door before opening it a couple of inches.
“Hello?” she called, “Anyone in there? Library's closing in five minutes,” Faith listened very hard, her slayer enhanced ears picked up only the dripping of water and other sounds associated with vacant rest-rooms.
Satisfied that there was no one hiding there, Faith moved on to the 'Ladies'. Again she pushed open the door, but instead of calling out she walked right on into the room. Feeling the need to pee she walked over to one of the stalls and went in. Locking the door behind her, she hitched up her skirt and pulled down her pantihose (or tights as they were called on this side of the Atlantic) and panties. Sitting down, she sighed with relief, she'd been more desperate than she'd realised.
After completing her business, Faith stood up and pulled her clothing back into place, she was just about to pull the little bolt on the door and go and wash her hands when she heard something and froze. There was someone or something on the other side of the door. For a moment, Faith wondered if the rich girl she'd hit for the late return fines had come back and was looking for payback. Fine, Faith smiled, if the bitch wanted payback, she'd give it to her.
Bursting out of the stall to confront however was sneaking about in the ladies room, Faith caught sight of the creature. Coming to a sudden and shocked halt as the monster shuffled towards her, she looked up at the monstrosity and gasped. The thing was big, at least seven feet tall probably more. It's skin hung loosely upon its body reminding her a little of Clem, but here the resemblance ended. Its wrinkly, dead-eyed head swayed drunkenly from side to side. Its forearms reached for her with its talons spread wide. The creature radiated murderous malignity despite its silence and complete lack of facial expression.
Recovering quickly from her first shock at seeing the creature, Faith tried to bring her leg up to kick out at the vile creature. Unfortunately she only remembered she was wearing a skirt when she found she couldn't bring her foot more than a foot or two above the ground.
“Fuck-it!” Faith cursed as she told herself not to wear such a tight skirt to work in future.
Back-peddling away from the hideous thing, Faith hitched up her skirt until it was up around her hips. Now able to move her legs freely, she moved into the attack. Moving rapidly toward the shambling heap of loose skin, Faith pivoted on one foot while bringing her other leg up and around to kick the creature where its kidneys would be if it were human.
The creature made no sound as the force of Faith's kick was absorbed by its folds of loose flesh. Lashing out with a taloned hand, the creature tried to disembowel Faith, its sharp claws only missing her by a hair's breath. Jumping up, Faith punched it hard in the face. Apart from making it snap back its head her blow didn't appear to have much effected. Dodging away from the shuffling miscreation, Faith reassessed her tactics. Hitting the creature appeared to have little effect, she cursed herself for not having a weapon hidden somewhere about her person.
Dodging a little too late, Faith caught the full force of a back handed blow from one of the freak's arms. Falling backwards she landed on the tiled floor, rolled and bounced back to her feet before jumping up and kicking the creature in the face. This time the creature staggered back until it collided with the wall knocking a hand drier from its fittings. Pressing her advantage, Faith kicked out at the monstrosity again only to have her foot swept away with a contemptuous sweep of the creature's arm.
Once again Faith flew through the air until she landed on the floor narrowly missing one of the partitions between the stalls. Rolling to her feet again, Faith faced off with the monster. It was now that something struck Faith she'd not noticed it until that last attack, but the monster (whatever it was) wasn't really that strong; it was about as strong as a really strong human-being, but nowhere near as strong as a slayer.
Grinning, Faith moved in to attack the creature again only this time she didn't actually attack, she waited for the monster to attack her. The creature lashed out with a clawed hand intending, no doubt, to slice Faith open and examine her insides. Moving at lightning speed, Faith caught the creature's descending arm at the wrist. Wrapping her two hands around the hideous thing's arm she pulled and twisted until she held the monster's arm immobile against it's elbow joint. Letting go with her right hand she brought her right forearm smashing down onto the creature's elbow.
Rewarded by the sound of bone breaking (however, the monster still hadn't uttered a sound), Faith kicked out with her foot and hit the creature's knee, breaking its leg and forcing it down so its head was about level with hers. Still holding on to the creature's broken arm, Faith started to hit the creature in the face with rapid, slayer strong kicks. The monster reeled back as its face started to show the effects of Faith's attack. Still not making a sound the creature tried to strike out with its unbroken arm. Once again, Faith parried the attack with her unengaged arm before going back to kicking the noisome monster in the face.
Although she was doing a lot of damage, Faith realised that she wasn't exactly killing the beast. Looking around for a weapon, she saw the hand drier still hanging from it electric cable. Letting go of the creature Faith grabbed the hand drier in both hands and ripped it from the wall. Turning like a striking snake, she lifted the drier above her head and brought it smashing down on the monsters head. The drier made a satisfying 'crunching' sound at it stove in the monsters skull.
Lifting the drier for another blow, Faith was surprised to see the creature start to shimmer and fade. After hitting the creature over the head again, she stepped back as the shimmering increased and the monster continued to fade, some slayer instinct was telling her she didn't want to be too close to the creature when it finally faded away to nothing.
Moments later, Faith found herself alone in the ladies holding the badly bent and dented drier in her hands, there was no sigh that the monster had ever been there. Dropping the drier onto the floor, Faith pushed down her skirt and walked over to the hand basins and looked at herself in the mirror. Not too bad, she told herself as she pushed her hair back into place; today she was wearing it in a simple pony-tail so it didn't take long to make herself look presentable. Satisfied that she was good to go and be seen by the outside world, Faith turned and headed towards the door. Her hand was on the door handle before something made her turn around and look back at the room; there was something she'd forgotten.
Laughing at herself for being so forgetful, Faith walked back to the basins. Turning on the water she squirted some soap into her hands before washing them. Unfortunately the hand drier had been destroyed so Faith had to use toilet tissue to dry off her hands. Satisfied that all was once again right with the word, she walked out of the ladies and headed on downstairs.0=0=0=0
Having reported the vandalism in the ladies room on the second floor, Faith wished her colleagues good night, picked up her jacket and bag and headed on out of the front door. Pausing on the library steps she glanced around. Smiling when she saw what she was looking for, Faith skipped down the steps and trotted along the path to where Dawn waited in their car.
“Hi, Dawnie!” Faith cried as she opened the passenger door and climbed inside.
“Hi Faith,” Dawn smiled in return and leaned across the seat to give her girlfriend a quick kiss on the cheek, “how was your day?” Dawn asked as she waited for Faith to close her door and buckle up her seat belt, “You look pleased with yourself.”
“Oh, nothing outta the ordinary,” Faith nodded as Dawn pulled the car away from the curb and headed for home. “Just some stupid bitch who didn't think she needed to pay her fines.”
“Disgusting,” Dawn observed as she negotiated a junction and pulled out onto the main road.
“Then one of those hairy orange apes...” Faith began.
“An orang-utan?” Dawn asked.
“That's the one,” Faith nodded, “yeah, like it came through a magic portal and was using the library without permission.”
“Shocking!” Dawn cried with absolutely no trace of sarcasm in her voice.
“Then just now,” Faith continued, “some great shambling monster attacked me in the ladies room...its getting so a girl can't even take a pee in safety and I've laddered my tights.”
“Poor baby,” Dawn smiled as she glanced over at Faith, “nothing really out of the ordinary then?”
“Nah,” Faith shook her head, “same-old, same-old, y'know?”
“Cool,” Dawn grinned remembering Faith's 'horny and hungry' post combat needs, “you wanna have sex before or after dinner?”The End.