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Xander and the Lying Bastard

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Summary: The Scoobies and the Cordettes make a bet over Halloween costumes and all end up dressing up as crew of a ship from the book Ringworld. Multiple Crossovers. Pairings still to be determined but will include X/C.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Literature > Sci-Fi > Ringworld
Stargate > General > General: SG-1
BalderFR181325,445513148,3328 Jul 1330 Jul 14No

Chapter 13

Xander and the Lying Bastard #13

Disclaimer: See previous chapters.
Author's Note: Sorry for the delay. Hope the thirteenth chapter isn't unlucky. :)

Nessus received the reply from Stargate Command and called Xander, “Captain? We have a response.”

Xander said, “So where is the alternate site they are requesting?”

“Actually sir, they agreed to all your requests,” Nessus said.

“What?” Xander shouted.

Cordelia stuck her head of the bathroom, “Is everything ok out here?”

“Yeah,” Xander said. “No vamp attacks or anything but those Air Force people are nuts.”

“Okay, it can wait until I’m finished drying off then,” she said and re-closed the door. After they came back from the ship Cordelia had Xander move into the master bedroom of their house with her. They were both sure he’d get sent to sleep on the couch at some point in the future but for now it was domestic bliss and they had also discovered that even when they were angry at each other it was still better than being alone.

Once she was done in the bathroom he explained while she was getting ready. She thought it was a great idea with one flaw, “How are we going to explain knowing English? If we try to speak nothing but Interworld we’ll likely slip up somewhere.”

“I’ll say we learned it through a machine that I do not plan to sell,” Xander said. “A merchant ship that goes looking for new markets might have one and if we only had one we wouldn’t trade it. We can say we don’t know how it works if they ask for blueprints. Or we can say its copyrighted or something.”

“Huh,” she replied. She was sitting at a vanity table thinking and brushing her long brown hair, “I suppose that would work and it really has been too long since I’ve been to one.” She smiled, “You talked me into it. Let’s go tell the others!”

“Maybe you should finish getting dressed first?” he said gesturing at her underwear clad form.

She snorted, “They are all girls Xan. They won’t care.”

“They are all lesbian girls remember,” he said. “They will too care.”

She giggled and he saw he’d lost the argument from the look on her face, “Well then maybe they’ll care but I’m a straight happily married woman so I won’t care. Unless you are thinking of telling what I can and can’t wear in my own home…” She trailed off on a questioning note.

Xander snorted and thought to himself, ‘Yep, I just lost the argument.’ Out loud he said, “No dear, I’m not that stupid. Let’s go explain it to them now. Unless you want me to strip to my boxers first?”

She smiled, “Up to you dear.” Then she she got up and left the room.

The others were happy with the arrangement once all the angles were explained. Buffy did sigh though.

“Why the sigh?” Cordelia asked. “Worried the government will find out you dye your hair?”

“No,” Buffy said. “And this is natural as I’m sure you know by now.”

“Maybe its natural now …” Cordelia started then smirked at Buffy’s expression. “Okay so if its not that then why?”

“I bet they’ve replaced the staff with their people,” Buffy replied. “It’s what I would do if I was them. It just won’t be the same with military people in place of the resort staff.”

Cordelia’s face fell and so did Aura’s. Willow and Harmony just shrugged and Xander said, “What’s the difference? A massage is a massage right?” He later wished he’d never spoken those words as his new wife proceeded to tell him the difference, at great length. Eventually he got away and had Nessus send a reply saying yes and hoping it would be a fun experience for both parties.

On the day of the meet the SG-1 team got there an hour early and double checked the place.

“Why do they need so many different rooms again?” O’Neill asked.

“You’ll find out soon sir,” Carter replied.

“So any idea when they are getting here?” he asked.

“Should be any minute now sir,” she said.

"So tell me again why I’m pretending Dr. Frasier is my wife?” Daniel asked.

Jack answered, “Well we needed the doc’s opinion on these people and whether they are as human as they seem but she wasn’t there when we first met them. We needed a reason for her to be here and a reason for Teal’c to stay away so we decided to kill two birds with one stone. T isn’t here because he’s not fond of the whole spa day thing and your wife really wanted to go so she’s taking his place. Simple.”

“So why me and not you?” Daniel asked.

“Blame Carter for that,” Jack said with a shrug.

“You just have that married look,” Sam said. “Jack doesn’t.”

Janet Frasier smirked at that explanation and wondered if either guy was really buying it. Then she decided to put Daniel on the defensive, “Are you saying I’m not acceptable as even a pretend wife? Do I not meet your standards or something? I mean I’ve heard your wife was a great beauty …”

Daniel got flustered and interrupted her as she had hoped, “I’m not saying that Janet. I’m sure a lot of men would love to be your husband. I’m just saying that I’m not sure I can pretend to be an affectionate husband with someone who is just a colleague. The sort of husband who would bring his wife with him here just so she could get a few days at a spa in would be more demonstrative than I’m comfortable with.”

Dr. Frasier smiled, “Well just because we’re saying I’m your wife doesn’t mean you can’t also say I’m the team doctor. I will be asking questions that will give that away most likely. We can just say you are killing two birds with one stone. Say you wanted to bring a doctor in case anything here disagrees with them and figured they wouldn’t mind if she was also your wife.”

Daniel looked like he might want to argue more but then their radios crackled to life with a warning from a lookout stating that their guests had arrived.

The four of them went to meet their guests at the front doors of the resort.

Inside the shuttle as it came in for a landing Xander said, “Disable the camouflage when we land so as not to surprise them too much.”

Buffy nodded, “Yeah, and no armor either. I remember, Xander, but I’ll wear my guns. After all I am the security officer. It’s expected of me. I’ll leave them in my locker if asked though.”

“Thank you Buffy,” he replied. “That will be fine.”

Outside the spa resort about thirty yards down the rocky beach facing the Pacific Ocean they saw the ship. A door opened in the side of the ship and six people jump out. The only male was the first one out; he was wearing a loud Hawaiian shirt, cargo shorts with bulging pockets and beach sandals. He waved to the four of them and started walking towards them.

Next out was a beautiful brunette in a sundress and high heeled shoes. She stumbled a bit on landing but caught her balance quickly and followed behind the man slowly. The rocky ground clearly a problem for her in those shoes.

The next woman out was about five foot tall and well muscled. She was wearing what appeared to be a tight-fitting uniform of some sort complete with weapons belt. She quickly overtook the other two and looked to be the first to reach them.

“She looks military,” Jack said. “She might be the person who stayed on the ship last time.”

“Yeah,” Sam agreed. She leaned towards Jack and whispered, “We’ll have to ask her to leave her weapons at the front desk. I hope that doesn’t present a problem.”

From at least fifteen yards away Buffy smiles at them, “I won’t mind. I was planning to leave them in my locker along with my uniform but I can work with your request. Just make sure that nobody tampers with anything. They might get hurt if they do the wrong thing.”

With a sheepish look Jack calls back, “In your locker will be fine. We just didn’t want you worrying the staff.”

“You mean you haven’t replaced the original staff with your own people?” Buffy called back surprised. “When I heard where we were going I figured you would.”

Jack smiled, “We did. That’s why they’d be worried.” She smiled at that and he noticed she had almost reached the four of them. Then he looked past her at the others coming along behind her. The Captain was second and another short and muscular woman as helping both the beautiful brunette and a tall blonde make their way over the rocks while an even taller redhead brought up the rear.

Once the captain reached them he looked back and immediately went to help the woman in the sundress. Soon enough they were all assembled in front of the doors and Jack said, “Well now that we are all here let’s start the introductions.”

Xander nodded, “Sure, we have a few new people and you have swapped one.”

Jack nodded, “I’ll go first since we’re hosting. I’m Colonel Jack O’Neill.” He gestures at the others as he speaks, “Next to me is Major Samantha Carter. Next to her is Dr. Daniel Jackson PhD and his wife Dr. Janet Jackson MD. She was very interested in both the spa and meeting you and Teal’c was not at all interested in a spa day so she came along in his place. I hope you don’t mind? We felt that it will be easier to keep things under wraps if it looks like we are couples enjoying the resort together to anyone who might be watching the place.”

Xander nodded, “Okay, that makes sense.” He gestured to himself, “I’m Captain Harris but please call me Xander.” Gesturing to the taller brunette, “This is my lovely wife and second in command Cordelia Harris. The blonde with the weapons is our security officer Elizabeth Burroughs. The tall redhead is her girlfriend Freya Thorson, our science officer. The tall blonde is our sensor officer, Harmony Nielsen, who is also our backup pilot and backup science officer. Last but not least we have her wife, our cargo officer Aurora Nielsen.”

They shook hands all around then entered the building. A woman and a man in beige smocks were waiting.

"If you'll follow us we'll show you to the changing rooms appropriate to your gender," the woman said and both people turned and started walking in different directions. Sam, Janet, Cordelia, Buffy, Willow, Aura, and Harmony followed the woman. Jack, Xander, and Daniel followed the man.

In the ladies locker room Dr. Frasier was given the locker between Buffy and Sam. Buffy hung up her weapons first but as she peeled off her uniform Janet watched fascinated at the muscle definition she showed.

Buffy said, "I don't mind if you look doc as long as you don't touch. You might want to check with my girlfriend if you're going to keep staring though. She might be getting annoyed."

Janet Frasier blushed and looked away, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ogle but I've never personally seen a woman with such obviously low body fat and pronounced musculature."

Willow trying to think like Freya said, "If you want to look to satisfy your scientific curiosity then I don't object either. I'll even let you ogle me too. We grew up under two extremes of gravity. She grew up in 1.2 standard gee and I grew up in 0.8 standard gee." She finished putting her clothes away and with her robe over one arm walked up to stand next to Buffy, "You can see the way our bodies adapted to the different environments. Harmony was from a similar world to mine and Aura from the same planet as Buffy."

"Buffy?" Sam asked.

"It's a nickname," Buffy said.

"If you start talking science with her we will be late getting out of here," Aura said. "Let's get going and you two can chat during the massage."

Cordelia tied her robe shut, "True. So let's head out. I could really use a massage right now too."

"Really?" Sam asked.

"Oh yeah," Cordelia replied. "Finding you guys was great but stressful. This is probably where we all came from originally I don't want to mess up."

Buffy threw the robe over Willow's shoulders and nodded, "I agree. Let's get to where we're going first and then chat there."

"Fair enough," Janet said and soon everyone was ready. Leaving the room they were escorted to another room that already had the three men on massage tables.

"Alright, all you boys close your eyes until I tell you it’s okay," Cordelia said. "And no peeking, Buffy will know if you do."

Xander turned to Jack and gave an exaggerated sigh, "Sadly true, my security officer is very keen eyed and observant." Then to Cordelia he said, "If I'd known you were this tyrannical I never would have married you."

Cordelia giggled and said, "You had fair warning! If you were too busy staring at my cleavage to pay attention it's your own fault!"

"Argh!" Xander said with a look of comically exaggerated dismay on his face. "Colonel, we're outnumbered and our foe is ruthless. We should probably give in to their demands." He put his hands over his eyes and said, "Let this be a lesson to you colonel. The female of the species is far more ruthless than the male. At least with us that's true. Maybe women on this planet are different? If so do you encourage immigration? What are your laws on divorce? Have you ... Ouch!" He broke off as Cordelia slapped his shoulder in passing.

Jack chuckled but said nothing.

Daniel, not as wise, opened his mouth, "It's the same here Captain. We even have a famous poem to that effect by an author named Kipling."

"You should probably let it go Daniel," Janet said. "Or you'll be sleeping on the couch tonight."

"Err, right, sorry dear," Daniel said.

The End?

You have reached the end of "Xander and the Lying Bastard" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 30 Jul 14.

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