"Xanderrrr" Anya said, rolling the r more than any Spaniard. "Where are we?"
Oh, for crying out loud. Hadn't Crowley managed to tell these confounded Scoobies anything? Must he really do everything himself? Lucifer missed his Knights. They had been more competent than this lowly salesman.
He'd have to make some more.
"Okay, first thing. I'm not Xander. There is no more Xander. Secondly, you're in Hell." Lucifer said.
Rather than bothering to explain anything, he just showed them the same things he'd shown the Winchesters and Buffy.
They reacted differently, though. At least Willow did. As soon as Lucifer finished, she lashed out with some complicated spell, no doubt intending to force him out of Xander's body.
It failed, of course. No matter how powerful Willow was as a witch, she wasn't as powerful as an archangel. Lucifer shrugged off the spell like he might shrug out of a coat.
"Thirdly, if you try anything like that again, I will destroy you." Lucifer said ominously.
The effect of this was rather spoiled by the fact that Willow was hyperventilating. Apparently drawing magic from Hell, especially a different dimension hell, was having some peculiar effects on the witch.
"Crowley?" Lucifer said, in a more conversational tone.
"Yes, my lord?" Crowley replied obsequiously.
"Feel free to inform these about anything they want to know. I don't know why they're here, but they might be useful."
"Yes my lord." Crowley said, frowning in distaste.
"Oh, one more thing."
"Don't let them leave."
Then Lucifer flew away. He had a demon army to raise.
Crowley turned to Willow. "So tell me, witch, what was that spell you just did?"
"So, you guys hunt demons." Buffy said.
"Amongst other things." Sam nodded.
"And you're not Slayers? No, of course you're not. You're not female." Buffy said, mainly to herself.
"Well, I'm not some girl." Dean asserted. "Not so sure about Sam."
"Dean!" Sam said exasperately.
"Dude, you just released Satan. I think you can take a little ribbing."
Sam opened his mouth. Shut it again. Eventually, he said "I'm going to call Bobby."
"You do that."
"Who's Bobby?" asked Buffy, lost. That feeling, since jumping from Glory's tower, had been a constant companion of hers.
"He's this old guy, a hunter, that we call when we need help." Dean explained.
"He wouldn't happen to be British, would he?"
"What, Bobby? God no. He's as American as they come."
So, not a Watcher then. Buffy missed Giles. She didn't doubt that he would know what to do about the whole situation. He always did. "And you guys don't have any... gifts, to help you fight demons?"
"Oh, yeah. We fly around and blast 'em with our laser eyes. Unless they've got kryptonite, 'cause then we're screwed." Dean said sarcastically.
"No, I mean-"
"I know what you meant." Dean said harshly. "I don't have any super powers. I'm just a regular hunter. Sam here's the super one. He's some half demon abomination that kills demons with his mind. He needs to drink like a gallon of demon blood first though, but that's okay because he's got some skanky demon he hangs around with that's all free with her blood."
"Okaaay." Buffy said slowly. "I'm guessing there's some serious baggage going on here."
"Yeah." Dean said shortly, scrubbing his hand through his hair.
"If you want-"
"If you suggest talking about it, I will shoot you right now." Dean interrupted.
Buffy threw up her hands. "Whatever. Could you at least put it behind you until we figure out some way to get Satan out of my best friend?"
"That isn't going to happen, sweetheart." said a new voice. Buffy turned to see some middle aged guy in a suit standing there like he'd been there the whole time.
Buffy instantly went on her guard. She noticed that Dean did the same, while Sam put away the phone he'd been vainly trying to get a signal on.
"Hey, it's Zach, right?" Dean said.
"Angel?" Buffy said out of the corner of her mouth. Sam nodded in response.
"Zachariah." Zachariah corrected.
"What do you mean, I can't get my friend back?"
"Your friend is dead." Zachariah said simply. "There is only Lucifer now. The only way you'll get him back is if Lucifer leaves, which frankly isn't going to happen. Whoever your friend is, he's a perfect host, which is quite a coup. Lucifer won't leave any time soon."
"Did you want anything? Or did you just fancy spending some doom and gloom around?" Sam said, looking at Buffy to see how she'd take the news. He remembered he'd found out that Dean was going to Hell in a year. That kind of news was always difficult to accept. Hell, that was an understatement. Sam hadn't accepted it until Dean was being dragged off by hellhounds.
"Actually, I want him." Zachariah said, pointing at Dean. "Or more precisely, Michael does. As a host. It's the only way to stop Lucifer."
"Dude, you're really out of the loop. Michael's gone." Dean said.
For the first time, Zachariah's arrogance seemed shaken. "What? What are you talking about?"
"Unfortunately, I brought back something from a trip." Lucifer said, appearing in a flutter of wings. "Turns out, what happens in another dimension doesn't stay in another dimension. Anyway, hello Zachariah. Long time no see."
"You're lying." Zachariah protested.
"Actually he isn't." said another new voice.
Michael was standing in the field. Unlike Lucifer, he hadn't appeared in a flurry of wings. He'd just appeared. And, spreading out from the spot he stood on, the grass was dying.
"Luci's telling the truth." The First said, some kind of black liquid trickling from his pitch black eyes. "Michael's gone now. There is only me. But that won't concern you much longer."
"Wh-" was all that Zachariah managed to say before the First walked through him, the same way that it had walked through Michael. Only, this time, he came out the other side.
The effect was still the same, though. Zachariah suddenly had black, demonic eyes. He spread his black, light absorbing wings in unison with the archangel that had been Michael.
"How does it feel, Luci, to know that you'll be the last angel in this dimension? Because I will take over each and every one of your beloved family, until only you and that other rebel are left. Imagine that. Imagine being the last of your kind." The First said with two mouths. Which was, needless to say, incredibly creepy.
Then they were gone. Or rather, it was gone.
Lucifer turned to the others. "It goes against every instinct I have to say this to you apes, but... I'm going to need your help. To stop that... That thing