Instantly, Buffy said “I know you’re still in there, Xander. You can fight him, you can-“
“You can shut up.” Lucifer said with an eye roll. “Xander’s gone. Stop being delusional.”
“I’m not here?
” Xander said. “Who exactly is the delusional one?
Instantly, Lucifer’s good mood at the discovery of a way into Heaven dissipated. “On second thought, I really don’t care whether you’re ready or not. Let’s go.”
Before anyone had a chance to protest, they found themselves on a desert plain. A desert plain covered in demons.
Sam stared. He could see black-eyed demons, hundreds, thousands of them. More than he had even known were in the country. On top of that, he could see that there were some crossroad demons spread throughout the crowd, and even a few demons with white eyes. He didn’t doubt that there were Hellhounds there too. If he had Ruby’s knife, he could’ve made a sizable dent in the demon population. Well, if he could get close enough to even one demon to use the knife before they tore him to shreds.
“It’s not enough.” Lucifer said, surveying the army. “Not nearly enough.”
Dean snorted. “Not enough? Dude, that’s more demons than I’ve ever seen. Than anyone has ever seen. How is not enough?”
“Ask Castiel to explain. I would imagine that it was obvious, though.” Lucifer said absently. “Although you apes do not have the intelligence to understand much.”
Before Dean could come back with a snappy comeback, Lucifer was gone. Castiel began explaining that, in general, an angel was vastly more powerful than a demon. They would need to outnumber the angels by a massive margin in order to stand a chance.
Lucifer landed next to a white-eyed demon. “Where are the others?”
“Milord?” the demon said, eyes downcast.
“The other demons. I know there’s more demons than this in Hell. I ordered all of them to be here. So where are they?”
“These are all the demons who can teleport between Hell and Earth, milord, and the ones that were already here. The rest can’t leave Hell unless they’re summoned.”
“Right.” Lucifer said. “Because Azazel failed to open my Gate. It seems like I really must do everything myself.”
Crowley hadn’t joined the army on Earth. He was still following Lucifer’s command to look after the humans. If he avoided invading Heaven and most likely getting slaughtered as a result, so much the better.
Lucifer appeared at his elbow. “The Colt. Where is it?”
Crowley gaped momentarily, before elegantly saying “Huh?”
“Do not take me for some conjuror of cheap tricks. Surely you didn’t really think that you could hide your intentions from me? I can see ten feet through you, and you’re barely three feet deep. I know you wanted to kill me with the Colt. So where is it?”
Crowley looked a little disconcerted. “Did you just quote Lord of the Rings?”
“No.” Lucifer said swiftly.
“You did, actually. That conjuror of cheap tricks thing is from the Fellowship of the Ring. Great film.
” Xander supplied helpfully.
Lucifer ignored him. “Tell me where the Colt is.”
Crowley told him.
“Good. Now take these lot up to the army, and join it like the good little soldier you should be. If you survive the attack… well, you’d better hope you don’t survive the attack.” Lucifer said, before vanishing again.
“So, um, why do you want to kill your boss?” Willow asked Crowley thoughtfully.
A second later, Lucifer was standing in front of the Devil’s Gate in Wyoming, Colt in hand. He strode towards the Gate, ready to use the Colt to open it.
Or he tried to, at least. His legs didn’t seem to want to obey him.
“Do you seriously think that I would let you open the Hellmouth and let every single demon out?
” Xander said incredulously. “I’ve spent years making sure that that doesn’t happen. I'm certainly not going to do it.
Lucifer gritted his teeth and took a step forward. “You can’t stop me, you ape!” He took another step forward.
Xander sighed. Given that he was currently a voice in Lucifer’s head, this was a rather strange sensation. “I can hold you here for long enough that your army gets restless and comes looking for you. How do you think it will look when the Big Bad Devil can’t even make his host’s legs move?
Xander, much as Lucifer hated to admit it, had a point. Although he was still plenty powerful enough to lead the demons through fear if he had to, it was easier if they continued to think of him as their god. If he had less control over his host than they did, that would be gone instantly.
Lucifer took another step. He was within reach of the lock now. Triumphantly, he plunged the Colt into the lock.
Except, instead of going in, it just skittered out. Looking closely, Lucifer saw that ice had formed in the lock, stopping the Colt from fitting in.
“Told you I wouldn’t let you open it.
”Xander said smugly.
“What? How? That’s my power! You shouldn’t be able to access it!” Lucifer exclaimed.
“Well, I'm special.
Lucifer thought for a moment. “Listen. If I don’t open this Gate, things are going to be a whole lot worse than they would be if I let those demons out. You’ve seen what the First can do. It’s evil, pure evil. Worse than demons. If I don’t stop it, then all that’s left is going to be the First walking around with billions of bodies, spreading death and decay wherever it goes. Compared to that, a few demons are nothing.”
Xander was quiet. Lucifer clicked his fingers, trying to break the ice, but nothing happened. Eventually, Xander said “I guess it’s not the first time I’ve made a deal with the devil.
The ice melted. Before Xander could change his mind, Lucifer used the Colt to open the Gate.
Demons, spirits, everything in Hell began pouring out.
“In the interest of honesty, I should probably mention that there are enough demons and ghosts here to plague millions of people. On top of that, if I beat Michael, the human race will be wiped out.” Lucifer said dryly.
“Yeah, yeah. I get it. I suck at making decisions. It’s not I like I didn’t already know that.
It took some time for all of the demons to find hosts, and make their way to the rest of the army. This was sped up when the redheaded Reaper completed the ritual to summon Death, and the Reapers began flying the demons to where they needed to be. Meanwhile, Death stood at the head of the army. No one wanted to go anywhere near him. On his part, he didn’t even seem to notice that anyone else was there.
While all this was happening, Lucifer appeared next to Sam. Sam fought down the urge to stab him, or shoot him, or at the very least run away.
“You could’ve led them, you know.” Lucifer said conversationally. “Of course, your brother wouldn’t approve, but then isn’t that the way of brothers?”
“I would never have done it.” Sam protested hotly.
Lucifer looked at him. “Really? I know you’ve been tempted. You have power pulsing through your veins. Of course you wanted to do it.”
“You’re wrong. I didn’t.”
“No. You didn’t do it because you are so stupidly human.”
“It would’ve made me no better than a demon.”
Lucifer shrugged. “Better that than a human. At least they are true to their natures.”
Before Sam could come up with a reply, Lucifer’s voice boomed out over the plain. “Alrighty then! If we’re all ready, let’s go!”
The Reapers nodded and closed their eyes. A second later, they were all in Heaven. Lucifer’s satisfaction was marred somewhat when Xander shouted “Duck!
and his body instinctively obeyed.
An angel blade went whistling through the air where his head had been a mere second before.