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The Sixth Siren

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Summary: Luna Lovegood embarks on a journey to become the ultimate badass… with a little help from a buxom bartender and the world's deadliest thirteen-year-old.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Games > Sci-Fi > Borderlands
Harry Potter > General > Humor
(Moderator)JoeHundredaireFR1511,9010132,23913 Aug 1313 Aug 13No
Title: The Sixth Siren
Author: JoeHundredaire (joehundredaire@tthfanfic.org)
Rating: PG-13/FR15
Disclaimer: Captain Fangirlhumper… err, J.K. Rowling owns the world the Harry Potter series takes place in. Wish the characters were mine so I could do utterly retarded things to them and watch my bank account get steadily larger, but sadly not mine. Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all associated characters belong to Fran and Kaz Kuzui. And Borderlands, Borderlands 2, sirens, Mister Torgue, Mad Moxxi, and all other related concepts and characters are the property of Gearbox Software. Not mine, don't sue, et cetera and so forth.
Summary: Luna Lovegood embarks on a journey to become the ultimate badass…
Joe's Note: I first touched on this basic idea with Scarlet Fishnets, where I had Hermione take Harry's place in my version of the increasingly clichéd 'asking the Room of Requirement for just the right thing or person allows Harry to do an Eighties training montage and then take a level in badass' story. This time, I've found an even more unlikely suspect to give a power-up to… and even more unlikely mentors than Zatanna Zatara and Wanda Maximoff.



     It hadn't been hard to find the blank stretch of wall opposite the tapestry depicting Barnabas the Barmy's attempt to teach trolls ballet, just like Harry had mentioned. She'd walked back and forth along said stretch of wall three times, again like he'd told her, all the while thinking about needing to become stronger… become tougher… become someone who could survive the impending war that was preparing to wash over the wizarding world. A door had appeared, she'd wrenched it open, and a great tunnel of blue and white light had sucked her in.

     And now she was here.

     Wherever here was.

     Luna Lovegood frowned as she held her right arm out with her palm facing upward, her oak wand resting atop her outstretched hand. "Point Me Hogwarts." The wand stayed stubbornly inert, making Luna frown. "Point Me Rookery." No change. "Point Me London? Point Me England?" Just like her pervious eight attempts over the last three days, there was no response from her usually trusty wand, and Luna sighed in dismay before tucking her wand up behind her ear. So her day would consist of more random wandering through the desert. Joyfulness.

     Two hours and three large dunes later, Luna perked up at the sound of… something. While she wasn't entirely sure what the loud grumbling noise was, it wasn't the wind or shifting sand, and so that was something to be grateful about. Racing her way up to the top of the fourth large dune of her day, Luna opened her mouth… and then snapped it shut. Oh. It was them again.

     'Them' being a particularly persistent band of roaming malcontents that she'd already encountered several times since she'd arrived… wherever she was. It was their presence that made her suspect that it might be her choice of destinations that was causing her Four-Point Spell to fail, rather than her wand or overall magical ability. Because while she wasn't as muggle-savvy as someone like Harry or Hermione… she was fairly certain that muggles weren't supposed to have weapons that shot acid or fire or lightning. And they weren't supposed to be the size of Hagrid or Flitwick, or have glowing eyes that stared out at her from behind white masks.

     "I'm… gonna choke and stroke your lifeless body!"

     The ones she'd seen around Ottery St. Catchpole generally didn't shout stuff like that, either.

     Drawing her wand, Luna watched the rickety bandit truck as it made a sweeping turn and began racing toward her. A familiar mark adorned its hood, and familiar faces stared out at her… these weren't just more bandits. These were the same bandits she'd been fighting since she'd arrived three days ago. Each time, she'd stunned them and moved on because she was a good witch and good witches didn't kill people. Now, though? Considering they were back to try and kill her yet again and would presumably keep trying until they succeeded? She was ready to reassess that particular policy.

     No, Luna decided, she'd stick to non-lethal methods of dealing with them… for now. Perhaps this time, she'd damage their vehicle and then stun them all. That would not only keep them from being able to run her over in the short term, but it would also allow her to put some distance between them. Maybe find civilization and some sanity in this strange, strange world. "Reducto!" Luna hurled a bright blue bolt of magic at the bandits… and then her jaw dropped as the spell hit the hood of their ride and the entire thing detonated like one of the Weasley twins' creations. A massive fireball bloomed, hurling shards of metal and ragged body parts in all directions. She had just enough time to process that one of the airborne projectiles was something large, black, gold, and headed her way… and then it was slamming into her face and knocking her out cold.



     "HOLY SH*T, YOU BLEW THOSE GUYS UP WITH A STICK! …THAT IS F*CKING AWESOME!"

     Her silver eyes popping open as she surged back to consciousness, Luna lifted her head… and stared at the odd greenish-grey box sitting on her chest. Bringing her wand up, she poked the side of the box several times before frowning. "You're an awfully violent box, you know."

     "I'M NOT A BOX, GIRL! YOU'RE TALKING TO MISTER TORGUE, FOUNDER OF THE TORGUE CORPORATION! AND YOU… ARE A F*CKING BADASS!"

     Luna winced at the loud voice that erupted from the box, shoving it off of her so it landed in the sand. Rising to her feet slowly, the blonde stared down at the box. So the muggles here - wherever here was - had wizarding wireless too. Although obviously it was technology and not something wizarding, if this man was so excited about her using a 'stick' to do something. She bent forward to pick the box up… and then froze for a moment before giving it a harsh kick. "Why did you leave me out here?"

     "I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!"

     "This box came from somewhere. Either you or someone who works for you came all the way out here to deliver it and left me lying in the sand unconscious!" Luna gave the box another kick, and then cursed as it went sliding away down the dune she was standing at the top of. After chasing it down, she picked it up and gave it a hard shake for good measure. "Why didn't you rescue me?"

     The box was silent for a long minute, making Luna wonder if she'd accidentally broken it, and then a reply came. "BECAUSE YOU STALKING INTO TOWN OUT OF THE HARSH AND DEADLY DESERT IS A MUCH MORE BADASS ENTRANCE THAN US RESCUING YOU! ALSO, I NEED TO STALL FOR TIME BECAUSE THE OTHER SIREN ISN'T DONE RESCUING MOXXI YET, AND SO I CAN'T SEND YOU TO MEET WITH HER!"

     Perhaps his logic would have made more sense to her if Luna had known who Moxxi was or why Mister Torgue thought the blonde needed to meet with him or her. She was also curious about his obsession with things being 'badass', and why he had called her a 'siren'. Presumably it meant something different here, because she obviously wasn't a siren as she knew them. Although technically he'd never called her a siren, he'd merely implied her status as one by referring to 'the other siren' while talking to her. And while there was always the possibility that she was reading too much into things… Mister Torgue seemed like a rather simple fellow based on their interactions thus far. Chances were that thinking simply and directly was best when dealing with him.

     Considering she faced what was evidently a decently long walk to civilization, Luna figured that she had plenty of time to get all those answers and more. But given that she hadn't showered in at least three days and had sand in the most uncomfortable places at the moment, perhaps getting started on her journey was a good idea? "Can you at least tell me which way civilization is? Or is figuring that out part of being 'badass'?"

     "YOU'RE ABOUT THREE MILES SOUTH OF THE BADASS CRATER OF BADASSITUDE! AND DON'T FORGET THE SHOTGUN THAT KNOCKED YOU OUT! EVEN SIRENS NEED BADASS GUNS!"

     Being 'south' of something didn't really help when Luna didn't know which direction was which, but thankfully there was a spell that could help her out there. "Point Me Badass Crater of Badassitude!" Her wand lifted up off of her palm and twitched back and forth before pointing firmly off to her right. One problem solved, at least. Then Luna turned in a slow circle before heaving a sigh. While she'd knocked the talking box down the dune, evidently the 'shotgun' was still near or at the top. Which meant hiking back up there to retrieve it. Darn. But if the box said she needed it… sighing again, she began the slow march upward.

     "AND CAN YOU POSE WITH THE SHOTGUN AT THE TOP OF THE DUNE WITH THE SUNSET BEHIND YOU? THAT WOULD MAKE FOR SOME F*CKING BADASS PROMO FOOTAGE! ESPECIALLY IF I THREW IN A SICK GUITAR SOLO AS BACKGROUND MUSIC! LIKE… MEEDLYMEEDLYMEEDLYMOWWWWWWWW!"

     …this was how Hermione felt sharing a common room and classes with Ronald, wasn't it?



     Type your review for this chapter here...

     Willow Rosenberg scowled as she stared at FanFiction.Net's review box. No! The chapter wasn't supposed to be over yet! She wanted to see what happened to Luna, and Moxxi, and Maya. And if the story's events went anything like canon, Luna would eventually get to meet Tiny Tina, which promised to be absolutely hilarious. But no. Not today. Stupid writer and their stupid short chapters.

     Closing her browser window, Willow stared at her desktop for a moment and then her eyes slowly slid down to the calendar app's icon on the dock. 'OCT 2'. She had only twenty-nine days left to pick and create a Halloween costume. From scratch, because her years of ghosthood hadn't exactly left her with anything she could scavenge from. But before she could create... she had to pick. And she still had no idea what she wanted to be for Halloween. Which was a problem.

     Or was it?

     Reopening Safari, Willow ordered it to reopen all the windows from her previous session... a whopping one page of fanfiction. Staring at the story she'd been reading, her mind raced. She liked Borderlands and its sequel. She loved Harry Potter. Luna Lovegood was her favorite character from the latter, while she tended to play as Maya and Lilith in the former. So a siren version of Luna Lovegood was not only an awesome idea in general, but a perfect way to combine two different potential costume options into one that was just plain... badass.

     Hmm. Let's see. She would need a Hogwarts uniform to use as a costume base, but the huge number of Harry Potter cosplayers the world over meant that would be easy enough to buy online. A Luna Lovegood replica wand, also easily sourced online. A prop gun or two, because even sirens needed badass guns. Either blond hair dye or an appropriate wig. And... well, marker had been enough to fool Handsome Jack's minions. It would probably suffice for Halloween, right?

The End?

You have reached the end of "The Sixth Siren" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 13 Aug 13.

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