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Homer says D’oh

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Summary: What do you get when you mix lost luggage and Halloween in Sunnydale?

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Stargate > Xander-CenteredLadyFoxFireFR13110,79114304,18115 Sep 1315 Sep 13Yes
Bad Author Notes: The scene concerning the rejected toilet paper form actual happened during World War II.
http://www.snopes.com/language/document/skipjack.asp



Jack growled softly as he filled out another form that his job as second in command of SGC dictates he must complete so that the base had some all-important items like toilet paper and other stuff which were necessary for day to day life.

“That’s done,” he sighed happily as he placed the form in his out-box. “And twenty million to go.” He glared at in-box with contained more forms and folders than currently sits in the out-box. “This is all the Army’s fault.”

“Sir?” a young Airman said as he carried a stack of forms into Colonel O’Neill’s office.

“Paperwork,” Jack said as he waved his hand at his in-box. “All these forms that need to be done, especially those that need to be done in triplicate. It’s all the Army’s fault.”

“But we’re Air Force, sir,” the Airman replied, his brow furrowed in confusion.

Jack sighed as he laid down his pen. “Until September 18, 1947 the U.S. Air Force didn’t exist.”

“So who flew in World War 2?” the Airman asked.

“The Army, the Marines and the Navy,” Jack answered. “I’m curious about how you graduated from the Academy without know that.”

“Tutories,” the Airman answered. “I’m not a big fan of history. I’m more interested in what is going on now than what happened in the past.”

Jack slowly pushed his chair away from his desk and stood up. He walked over to his bookcase where he pulled three books from different shelves. Jack than handed the books to the young man.

“Sir?” The Airman said as he looked down at the books in his hands and then at the Colonel.

“You have two weeks to write a book report on each book,” Jack said as he sat back down.

“Sir?”

“Of course you don’t have to do the reports unless you want to,” Jack said as he picked up the pen and started to work on the forms once again. “I’m sure Dr. Jackson would be more than happy to inspire you to have an interest in history.”

“Ummm… How many pages do I need to write?” the Airman asked.

“Whatever you feel is necessary. I’m sure you’ll do an excellent job,” Jack said as he looked up with a smile that promised something much worse if Airman didn’t do his best.

The Airman nodded his head. “Understand, sir. Thank you, sir.”

Jack nodded his head. “Dismiss.”

Airman snapped off a salute which Colonel O’Neill returned before leaving the office, books in hand.

After the Airman had closed the door, Jack let out a chuckle of amusement as he turned to his paperwork.

Jack was half way through the pile of paperwork he had to complete when his computer made a noise that indicated he has mail.

“If that is another cancellation notice on the order of toilet paper I’m going to zat someone. How could they not know what toilet paper is,” Jack grumble to himself as he opened up his inbox. Jack’s brow furrow as he looked at who the unopened email was from. He soon opened the email and read it. He then read it. And then for a third time. “Well I didn’t expect that.”

He quickly printed off the email. Grabbing the printed copy he opened his office door only to find himself face to face with Dr. Jackson.

“Daniel,” Jack said as a greeting.

“Jack,” Daniel replied almost nervously.

“Was there something you wanted?” Jack asked as he studied his friend.

Daniel licked his lips. “Well you see… ummm… well…”

Jack sighed. “Out with it Daniel.”

“I just received an email written in Babylonia… which I didn’t know was possible. I wonder how they did that,” Daniel said as he looked down at the papers he had in his hand.

“Daniel?” Jack said with sigh.

“Someone had to create a new font for it but I haven’t heard anything on the academicals circles about it,” Daniel replied, more to himself than to Jack. “I wonder what other fonts they’ve created.”

“Daniel. The email,” Jack said in a firm tone of voice.

Daniel looked up at his friend. “Oh, yes… ummm… well the person spoke about the StarGate and my time on…”

Jack held up his hand for Daniel to stop. “The emailer won’t happen to be Homer_says_D’oh would it.”

Daniel blinked a couple time before saying, “How did you know?”

“Because I got a letter from him too,” Jack said as he held up his printed off email.

Daniel grabbed the letter from Jack’s hand and read it over. “Is this correct?” Daniel asked as he pointed to some personal things that were in the email.

Jack nodded his head.

“Colonel, can I speak to you for a moment,” Major Carter called out as she walked towards Colonel O’Neill and Daniel Jackson.

“Let me guess, your got an email from someone called Homer_says_D’oh and the email is about the StarGate,” Jack said.

Carter stared at Jack in surprise. “Yes, sir. How did you know?”

“Lucky guess. Come on children, it’s time to see the General,” Jack said as he turned around and walked down the hall as Daniel handed the emails to Carter.


~*~


Less than 6 hours after receiving the first email, the member of SG-1 and General Hammond were gathered around the conference table listening to the reports on the emails.

“Earlier today each member of SG-1 received from email from someone using the email address Homer_says_D’oh,” Carter reported.

“Do we have a real name for this person?” Hammond asked.

“The name on the account was Hugo Simpson, the second, however we believe that to be an alias,” Carter stated.

“Hugo Simpson?” Jack said.

“Does that mean anything to you Colonel?” General Hammond asked as he looked at his second in command.

“It’s possible this... person is a Simpson fan. Hugo is a character from one of the Simpsons’ Treehouse of Horror episodes. He was Bart’s evil conjoined twin brother. They were separate and Hugo was made to live in the attic. But he was actual the good twin and Bart was the evil twin,” Jack explained.

“Explains a lot about Bart,” Daniel said softly.

“What else do you know about this person, Major?” Hammond said.

“The person listed the address of the account to be Sunnydale High School of Sunnydale, California. However the emails were not sent from one of the school’s computer but from a computer at the Sunnydale Public Library,” Carter stated. “There is a strong possible that the person is actual a student at the school.”

“So we’re looking for a young adult, probably male since it appears he’s a Simpson fan,” Daniel suggested.

Carter nodded her head. “That’s what we believe. It is possible that the Sunnydale Public Library has a sign in sheet for when people use the computers but it’s very doubtful that the person used his actual name or that the librarian would remember who it was.”

“Do you believe that this person is a hacker?” Hammond asked

“No, sir,” Carter replied with a shake of her head. “There is no indication that anyone has hacked our servers. In addition many of the personal things mentioned in the emails are… personal. In my case the only way for someone to know what happen would be for them to have read my diary from when I was a teen.”

“You had a diary?” Jack said in surprise.

“When I was a teenager. It most deal with the typical teenage angst most teens go through, life as a military brat. Along with my feelings over my mother’s death and how I blamed my father for it,” Carter admitted.

“Mine dealt with my life on Abydos,” Daniel chimed in.

“Is it possible this person has inside information?” Hammond asked.

Carter shook her head while Daniel said, “The things in the email… only Sha’re and I know about. They were personal things.” Daniel shook his head. “Not intimate things but little things that only we knew.”

Hammond nodded his head. “Is it possible that this person read your minds and that is how he gained this knowledge?”

“Anything is possible even if highly unlikely, sir,” Carter stated with a shrug of her shoulders. “The really question would be why did this person email us? What did he hope to gain?”

“I have a question,” Jack chimed in as he raised his hand slightly into the air. “You said that each member of SG-1 received an email which means there were four emails. So what was in Teal’c email?”

All eyes turned to where the man in question sat calmly.

“The sender of the email informed me that the ‘Godzilla size shoe has yet to fall’ and he wish that I would give my support to all of you when it does,” Teal’c said calmly. “He also requested a meeting in 10 days from now at a place called Doublemeat Palace.”

“Which is located in Sunnydale,” Carter added in.

“Why such a long wait?” Daniel asked.

“In case we were on a mission and didn’t receive the emails until later,” Jack suggested.

Hammond nodded his head in agreement with Jack’s suggestions. “Is there anything else you can tell us, Major?”

Carter opened her mouth to say something then paused for a moment. “There was one thing, sir. When I was researching the town I came across some unusual statistics that I believe to be incorrect.”

“Unusual how, Major?” Hammond asked.

“Well, sir, if the statistics are correct than Sunnydale is the murder capital of the world,” Carter stated. “Along with disappearance and run-aways.”

“Of the world?” Jack said in disbelief.

“Double check those statistics, Major. I want you to find out everything you can about that town before I send anyone there,” Hammond ordered.

“So we’re off to California?” Jack asked.

Hammond nodded his head. “I want to know who this person is and how they got the information.”


~*~


Two SUV pulled to a stop in the parking lot of the Holiday Inn in Sunnydale and the members of SG-1 and 2 climbed out of them.

“Ah California. The home of surf, sun and brainless people,” Jack commented stretching.

“That’s not exactly true, sir,” Carter stated.

Jack turned to look at Carter. “Which part? The surf or sun?”

Carter sighed. “The brainless people, sir,” she replied. “The state of California produces the same amount of intelligent people as other states in the union.”

“Fine,” Jack sighed. “California. The home of surf, sun and giant magnet that attracts brainless people to the state.”

“Don’t forget the silicone and plastic surgery magnet, Jack,” Ferretti said as he walked over to Jack.

“I’ve heard it describe as the moron signal tower,” Ferretti’s second in command added in. “There one in every city and that’s were all the morons are attracted too. It’s normally located around city hall or the rich section of the city.”

“So California must have extra strong towers then,” Ferretti commented.

“On par for DC at the very least, sir,” Ferretti’s 2IC replied.

“Sir,” Carter spoke up after checking her watch, “it’s after 2 local time and if we are going to check out this town thoroughly before it gets dark.”

Jack nodded his head he started to walk to the hotel entrance. “Did ever find out why the statistics on this town is wrong?”

“No, sir,” Carter replied. “The FBI agent I was working will say the town refuses to send the corrected numbers. They said they sent it once and once is good enough.”

Ferretti let out a snort. “Sounds like your typical bean counter. The math is always right even if it’s completely wrong.”

Carter shook her head at Ferretti’s commented.

“How you’re feeling Murray? Junior settled down any?” Ferretti asked

“My symbiote has” Teal’c paused for a moment, “quieted.”

Jack stopped and looked back at his team mate. “For some reason that doesn’t feel me with joy.”

Teal’c simply raises an eyebrow in reply.

“Can I help you?” a young female hotel clerk said from behind the desk.

“Hi. I need 4 doubles,” Jack said with a smile.

“Yes, sir. And how long will you be staying with us?” the clerk asked as she typed.

“4 days,” Jack answer as he pulled out his ID and credit card.

The clerk smiled as she took the cards and started to enter the information into the system. “Are you here for a funeral?”

“No,” Jack replied slightly take back that the clerk assumed they were her from a funeral instead of for some other reason.

“Really?” The clerk said in surprise. “Most people who visit Sunnydale are here for a funeral.”

“Are there a lot of deaths in the town,” Daniel asked.

“No… no more than any other town,” the clerk said with a shake of her head.

“That’s good to know,” Daniel said with a reassuring smile. “Actual we’re here to visit your college’s archeology department at UC Sunnydale.”

“Archeology? Is that were you guys dig up dead things to study?” the clerk ask.

“Sometimes. Sometimes we study the old buildings, writing or if we’re lucky will find a trash pit,” Daniel said his excitement evident in his voice as he spoke about the subject he loves.

“You study trash?” the clerk said in disbelief and disgust.

“Of course! Trash can tell us a lot about a culture. What they ate. We could find many different types of items like plates, coins, buttons, pipes… there is so much we can learn about a culture by examining their trash,” Daniel explained.

The clerk looked a bit surprise at the knowledge and how passionate Daniel was on the subject. “No offense but I won’t want to go through anyone’s trash. I don’t even like deal with my own.”

Daniel chuckled. “That’s alright. I know that not everyone share my passion for Archeology. Just like I don’t share the same passion for the Simpsons.”

“Hey the Simpsons is a good show!” Jack spoke up before the clerk could say anything. “It’s an excellent parody on the American middle class and culture. It also exposes people to different ideas and political cause that most people would never learn about without them.”

Daniel looked at Jack in surprise, his mouth hanging slightly open.

“That’s the cartoon with the yellow people, right,” the clerk asked.

Jack nods his head slowly.

“My brother used to watch that show but he stopped watching it when he turned 14,” the clerk said. “He said he thought it was too juvenile now that he was a teenager.”

“I guess that it means you’re an overgrown kid, Jack,” Ferrite said softly as he lean over towards Jack.

Jack turned and glared at his friend. “I may be growing old but I refuse to grow up. Grown up are dull, miserable people who complain about everything.”

“You mean like how their knees ache,” Ferretti asked with an innocent look on his face.

“Please sign, sir,” the clerk said as she pushed some papers towards Jack.

While Jack sign the papers he said, “Remember to send me a post card from Alaska, Lou.”

“There is some really good fishing in Alaska from what I hear,” Lou Ferretti replied with a smug grin.

“You just have to watch out for the bears,” Jack replied as she handed the papers back to the clerk.

“I’ve faced worst things than a mangy old bear who want my fish,” Lou replied.

“You mean your wife,” Jack said in a teasing manner.

“My wife is a kind loving woman who God blessed me by allowing her in my life,” Lou said before looking around to make sure that everyone heard what he said.

“She’s pregnant again, isn’t she,” Jack said as recognized the look on his old friends face.

“Why do you think I jump at the chance to come on this trip,” Lou replied. “I’m hoping that by the time we get back she’ll have calmed down and will be happy to be pregnant again.”

“Your keys, sir,” the clerk said as she handed Jack 4 sets of keys.

“Thanks,” Jack said with a smile as he turned around to hand out the keys and to find the rooms. “Come along Daniel. It’s time to leave the nice clerk alone.”

“Excuse me, sir,” the clerk called out. “You won’t happen to be Dr. Daniel Jackson, would you?”

“Yes,” Daniel replied, his confusion evident in his voice.

The clerk smiled. “You have a letter, sir,” she said before turn to retrieve the letter. She held out the letter with a smile.

“Thanks,” Daniel accepted the letter. “When did you receive it?”

“Sometime yesterday, after my shift,” the clerk replied. “I guess one of your fellow Archeologist knew you were coming.”

Daniel nodded his head as he opened the letter and started to read.

“Would we be able to talk with the person who was on duty when the letter was delivered?” Jack asked.

“That would be Eric. Unfortunately he’ll be off for a bit. From what I heard there was a death in the family,” the clerk explained.

“Do you have a local paper?” Daniel suddenly asked as he looked up from the letter.

“Of course,” the clerk said as she hand Daniel the newspaper.

“Is it printed daily?” Daniel asked.

“Yes, sir,” the clerk replied.

“Could you see that I get a copy each day that we’re here,” Daniel asked.

“I’ll make sure of it,” the clerk replied.

“Thank you,” Daniel said with a smile as he started walking in the direction of the rooms while opening the paper and starting to read.

“Daniel?” Jack said as he stepped up next to his friend.

“Here,” Daniel said as he handed Jack the letter the clerk had given him

Jack opened the letter. “Daniel,” Jack said in almost a whine, “I can’t read whatever language this is.”

Daniel looked up from the paper and looked at his friend. He blinked a could time before saying, “It’s Linear A.”

“What does it say, Daniel,” Jack sighed.

“He suggests that I pick up the local newspaper and read the obituary section of the paper,” Daniel said as he hands the paper over to Jack.

Jack opens the paper to the obituary. After a moment he says, “Daily paper, right?” as he hands the paper to Ferritte.

Daniel nods his head. “Our friend also suggests that that we stay inside from sundown till sun up and that we don’t invite anyone into our rooms.”

“Cause of death, animal attack. Cause of death, unknown. Cause of death, barbecue fork…. How does someone die from a barbecue fork?” Ferretti asked.

“When we find this kid, you can ask him since I have a feeling he knows exactly what is going on in this town,” Jack commented as he opens the hotel room.

“So are we following the kid’s advice about staying inside?” Ferretti asked.

“The kid knew thing he couldn’t about us, so I’m going to say he know exactly what is going on in this town and follow his advice,” Jack answered.

“That is until we get answers for everything,” Ferretti added in.


~*~


“13 cemeteries, 7 funeral homes. 2 pizza places and 1 coffee shop,” Ferretti said as he ate a slice of pizza.

“That’s a lot of cemeteries for a town that’s only been around for what… 100 years,” Jack commented as he grabbed another slice of pizza from the box.

“But exactly what you would expect with the number they’re reporting to the FBI,” Carter chimed in.

“So we have a normal little town with a high death rate and an unknown kid who knows things that he shouldn’t,” Jack said.

Coburn, a member of SG-2, snort. “There is nothing normal about this town at all, sir. This whole place is… wrong. Evil.”

“Coburn,” Ferretti chastise.

Coburn shook his head. “No, sir. Look there is something wrong with this town and I don’t know what. It’s like this town is too perfect. The people seem too happy. Too content with how things are to worry about anything. This place makes my skin crawl on one hand but on the other I keep thinking about settling down here and starting a family.”

“I too have notice something not right with this town,” Teal’c added in.

“How so?” Daniel asked.

“I have notice that the people of this town avoid me even though they have no reason to do so,” Teal’c said.

The members of the SGC looked uncomfortable at each other.

“Ummm… not offense Teal’c but people might be avoiding you because of your size and skin color,” Ferretti suggest. “Some small minded people might judge you based on that.”

“I have studies your country’s racial problems and the civil rights movement and I do not believe the people of this town avoided me for that reason,” Teal’c replied. “I have witness people who share my skin coloring avoid me. I have seen that when the people do so they are not looking at me but at the location of my symbiote resides.”

Everyone sat up a bit straighter as they turned their full attention onto Teal’c.

“They’re sense Junior?” Jack said in disbelief.

Teal’c nodded his slightly. “Indeed.”

“But how could they?” Daniel asked. “I mean the only way we know that someone can recognize that someone is a Goa’uld or has a symbiote is if they have Naqahdah in their blood.”

“Bad shit radar,” Coburn suggested.

“Bad shit radar?” Daniel said in surprise.

“Spidey sense. Sixth sense. Call it whatever you want but I’m willing to beat that anyone who lived a long time in this town has it. If they don’t then they’re probably on the FBI statistic list,” Coburn replied. “Personally I want to find this kid, grab him and get the hell out of here and never come back.”

“Unfortunately we have another 3 days before the meeting,” Jack admitted.

“So what are we going to do? Sit here and wait?” Coburn snapped.

“Captain!” Ferretti snapped back at his team mate.

Coburn shook his head. “I’m sorry, sir. This... this place… it has me on edge.”

Jack nodded his head in acceptance of Coburn’s apology. “I think this place has everyone on edge.”

“Indeed,” Teal’c chimed in. “I have found my symbiote has become very quiet since we arrived here.”

“Wasn’t it kicking up a storm before we got here?” Ferretti asked.

Teal’c nodded his head. “It was very upset as we journeyed to this town but it became very quiet once we entered the town. I would almost say it was trying to avoid detection.”

“But from what?” Daniel asked.


~*~


The day of the meeting finally arrived the member of both teams were more than ready to leave the town far behind them.

While SG-1 entered the restaurant for the meeting, SG-2 was stations both inside and outside the building, watching everyone who entered or exit the restraint.

“Well it’s edible,” Jack said after swallowing the first bite of his Doublemeat burger.

“I’m still in debate about that, Jack,” Daniel said as he used his straw to poked at the burger in front of him. “After all food poison takes a couple hours before you start to see symptoms.”

“I’m sure the local health inspector would have shut down the place if I was going to get food poisoning. Beside the local seems to like it,” Jack countered.

“Yes and the local in Mexico don’t suffer from Montezuma’ Revenge since they’re built up an immunity to it,” Daniel replied.

“I agree with Daniel,” Carter said as she stared at her burger in disgust. “It’s probably why our emailer asked us to meet him here. He probably expects us to eat the food here; later he could escape while we suffer from food poisoning.”

“What do you think Murray?” Jack asked as he looked over at Teal’c who was eating his meal.

“I find the food to be a bit slippery,” Teal’c said as he looked at the burger in his hands; the Doublemeat special sauce sliding down his hand. “However I am in agreement with O’Neill. The food is edible.”

“I don’t think that anyone has ever got food poison from eating here. Died from chocking on a Doublemeat nugget but no food poisoning,” a male voice said from behind the Colonel.

Jack turned to look at the person who had just spoken only to figure a slightly geeky teenager with dark hair.

“I mean that’s what the paper said at least,” the teen added in.

“Didn’t anyone do the Heimlich maneuver on the person who was chocking?” Daniel asked

‘Well sure but I guess something went wrong. They said he died at the hospital,” the teen replied with a shrug of his shoulder.

“So in other words the burgers are safe but watch out for the nuggets, they can be deadly,” Jack said with a smile.

The teen shrugged his shoulders. “Pretty much. Not like they’re a lot of places to eat around here.”

Jack nodded his head in agreement. “Name’s Jack. That’s Murray. Carter and Daniel,” Jack said with a nod to each of his team mates and he said their names.

The teen nodded his head in greeting. “Jonathan. I take it you’re in for a funeral.”

“Nope,” Jack replied. “But you’re about the sixth person in this town who has asked that.”

Jonathan shrugged his shoulders. “Only time you see someone new here is when they’re just moved into town or they’re visiting for a funeral.”

Jack nodded his head. “Life in a small town. Nothing to do. nothing to see. And nothing to attract tourist,” Jack commented.

Jonathan nodded his head. “So if you’re not here for a funeral, why you are you here,” Jonathan asked. “As you said there’s nothing here to attract tourist.”

“We’re here to visit the university’s archeology department,” Daniel answered.

Jonathan’s eyes widen. “Are you here to study the Chumash Indians?”

“Ah you see there is something to attract tourist.” Jack said with a quickly nodded his head. “Plus we’re here to see a pen pal of ours Maybe you know him. Goes by the name of Hugo Simpson.”

“Hugo Simpson? You mean like’s Bart Simpson’s good twin brother? The one who lived in the attic and ate fish heads?” Jonathan asked in confusion.

“See another Simpson fan!” Jack said gleefully.

“Not really,” Jonathan replied with a shrug of his shoulders. “I just watch the Tree House of Horror episodes. I can’t get into the rest of the show.”

Jack let out a squeak of outrage while Carter let out a snort and Daniel hide his chuckles.

“I mean the Simpsons is a good show but it’s nothing compared to Baywatch,” Jonathan said hurriedly. “Baywatch is a really good show.”

Jack lets out another squeak before stopping and pointing a finger at the teen. “How old are you?”

“16,” Jonathan replied nervously.

Jack stared at the teen for a moment before nodding his head. “Yeah I can see why you think that. But trust me when you get older you’re realize that the bouncing… ok… yeah no matter what, it’s a great thing,” Jack said fondly before turning serious. “When you get older you’ll learn that there is a real value on real vs fake. Real ones are so much nicer. The fake ones don’t squish enough and uncomfortable when you rest your head on them.”

“Sir!” Carter exclaimed in outrage.

Jack turned and looked at her. “What? It’s true.”

“I won’t know, sir,” Carter said as she crossed her arms over her chest.

“I knew a young woman who had it done. They never seem to be right. Think they were too hard and high place to look natural,” Daniel chimed in.

“I do not understand why a woman would do that to their bodies,” Teal’c stated.

“It’s about money and attention,” Jonathan answered.

“Indeed,” Teal’c replied with a raised eyebrow.

“If you don’t have a nice set of…” Jonathan held his hand out in from of his chest to indicate big breast, “Then you never get the attention of a Hollywood director. Pamela Anderson has a really nice set even if they’re probably fake. The bigger the boobs they more money you get.”

“And the bigger the boobs who follow you around,” Carter snarled softly.

“Did you say something Carter?” Jack asked as he looked at her.

“No, sir. Not a thing,” Carter replied with a straight face.

“I thought so,” Jack replied with a smirk.

“Hey Jono,” a dark hair young said as he set his tray of food down on a table that was situated in front of the booth that SG-1 was using.

“Hey Xander,” Jonathan said in reply. “Hey would you know someone using the name Hugo Simpson? They’re looking for him.” Jonathan nodded his head towards Jack and the rest of SG-1.

“Ya sure I do,” Xander said as he sat down.

“You do?” a multi of voices said at once.

“Well if it’s the same person then he uses Homer_says_D’oh at yahoo or was it Hotmail. Can’t remember which,” Xander answered before shoveling some ketchup covered fries into his mouth.

“That’s him,” Jack said happily. “You won’t know where we could find him?”

Xander nodded his head as he took a drink to wash the fries down. “Hey Jono got a question for you?” he said.

“Yeah?” Jonathan said his confusion evident in his voice as Xander changed the subject.

“What did you dress up as for Halloween?” Xander said.

“Halloween? Dress up? What makes you think I dressed up as anything? I’m kind of too old to go treat or tricking,” Jonathan said nervously as he glanced over at SG-1.

“Don’t know. Figure you might have been invited to a party or got roped in by our beloved troll to escorting the runts door to door,” Xander suggested.

Jonathan sighed. “Gandalf the Grey.”

Xander nodded his head. “Did you get it at Party Town or at that placed called Ethan’s?”

“Ethan’s,” Jonathan replied simply as he shifted nervously in his seat..

Xander nodded his head once again as he chewed his burger. After swallow his mouthful and take a drink, he said, “So did you get anything out of it?”

“What do you mean?” Jonathan demanded, his voice barely hiding his nervousness.

“I dressed up as a soldier. I bought a toy gun from Ethan’s but I also I had Jack’s shirt, Daniel’s pants and Sam’s shoes and for a lady Sam has some big feet,” Xander answered.

Jonathan’s eyes widen as he glanced over to his new friends.

“It’s exactly what you’re thinking Jono. If I even get my hands on Ethan I’m going to gut the bastard, let Dr. Frasier heal him back up and do it over again,” Xander stated viciously. “No man should know what it’s like to have a period.”

“Excuse me,” Carter said in confusion and outrage.

“Which part? The big feet or the period because sister it gets a hell of a lot worst from there,” Xander snapped.

“Ummm…” Jonathan said just loud enough to draw attention to himself. “Her?” he pointed at Carter.

“Them,” Xander said with a nod. “100% download. First kiss. First blowjob. First everything.”

“Hold it,” Jack commanded. “Would you care to explain to those of us who arrived late for the movie?”

“You’re not late, Jack. Actual you’re right on time. We’re just discussing the prequel,” Xander explained.

“Ok do you care to explain it to the slow kids in the classroom,” Jack snarled slightly.

Xander looked over at Jonathan who sighed before swinging out of this seat and crouching in the space between the booth SG-1 was in and Xander’s table. Jonathan that raised his right hand so only SG-1 and Xander could see it then suddenly floating above the palm of his hand was a ball of blue flames.

The member of SG-1 stared at the ball of flames dance in the teenager’s hand before he closed his hand and extinguished the ball.

“That’s impossible,” Carter said firmly as she continued to stare at the spot where the ball of flames had been.

“Nothing is impossible but some things are less probable than others,” Jonathan said as he sat down in a chair at Xander’s table.

“How,” Jack said in a voice that demanded answers

“Ethan’s,” Jonathan answered with a shrug of his shoulders.

“Ethan?” Jack echoed back, his voice conveying his confusion and frustration.

“It’s complicated,” Xander answered.

“So use small words and uncomplicated it. Carter and Daniel do it all the time,” Jack replied

Xander chuckled. “Yeah I know they do.” Xander paused for a moment we a thoughtful expression on his face. “Do you know what the shortest distance between two points is?”

“A fold,” Jonathan answered while Carter replied, “A wormhole.”

Xander nodded his head. “Now this would be easier to explain if I had a sheet of paper but since we don’t we’ll have to pretend we do. Now let’s pretend that our pretend sheet of paper represents our universe and we make a horizontal fold in our universe. This fold is what would allow you to travel from planet to planet in an instant,” Xander explained.

“Ok I get that,” Jack said with a nod of his head.

“Ok now what would happen if you made a vertical fold in the universe?” Xander asked. “Where could you travel to?”

“To another dimension,” Jonathan gasped. “Boca del Infierno. It’s a fold to another dimension.”

“Mouth of Hell,” Daniel translated his brow furrowed in confusion.

“Welcome to Sunnyhell, home of the Hellmouth,” Xander said scaraistly before taking a bite of his burger.

“Crap!” Jack said as he ran his hand through his greying hair. “I take it that this fold goes to someplace nasty.”

“Pretty much,” Xander said as he stabbed his fries into his ketchup. “But there is some good news.”

“Which is?” Jack asked.

“Two things. First the Hellmouth is mostly closed. And second it has a guardian to make sure it stays that way,” Xander answered.

“Mostly closed,” Jack said in disbelief.

“Why don’t you close it all the way?” Daniel asked.

“Because the Hellmouth is one way only. From someplace else to here and the control if there are controls are on that side of it,” Xander answered.

“And the guardian?” Teal’c asked. “If the controls are on the other side, what are the guardian’s duties?”

“Just because the controls are on the other side doesn’t mean we don’t have an Iris protecting us,” Xander replied.

“Iris?” Jonathan interrupted.

“Think magic shield that is keeping those of the other side from coming through,” Xander answered.

“Magic doesn’t exist,” Carter chimed in.

Jonathan and Xander looked at Carter with the classic ‘are you stupid lady?’ look.

“And to answer’s Murray’s question, the guardian’s job is to make sure nothing brings down the shield and opens the Hellmouth plus kill any baddies on this side who might want to open the Hellmouth or turn the human race in slaves or into dinner,” Xander explained.

“If this Hellmouth is closed then how are they arriving?” Carter asked.

“Just because the Hellmouth is closed, it doesn’t mean that there isn’t other ways across. The Hellmouth is like a highway; straight, smooth, easy to get from point A to point B without any problems,” Xander explained. “Now the other way is like take dirt roads and game trails which may cross into areas in which the natives are not your friends and neither in the environment.”

“I’m guess only the bold or the desperate take the back roads to get here,” Jack suggested.

Xander nods his head in agreement. “Yeap. If they cause any problems the… the guardian deals with them.”

“I have a question,” Daniel said raising his hand slightly. “Who or what is Ethan’s?”

“It’s the costume shop I bought my Gandalf outfit from,” Jonathan answered.

“Which also happens to be run by a chaos sorcerer named Ethan,” Xander added in. “He’s the reason why I had all of your memories downloaded into my head. Any items bought from his store like the toy gun I used were enspelled to turn that person into their costume for one night.”

“Can he do it again? I mean download memories and abilities into anyone’s head?” Jack asked in a serious tone voice.

Xander shook his head. “I think Jono and me are the odd men out. Nobody I’ve talked to retained anything like Jono and I did. A magic user I spoke to about this thinks it’s we were born in Sunnydale and that the magic of the Hellmouth affected us somehow.”

“But that would mean there are people who were affected,” Carter pointed out. “I doubt you’re the only two people who were ever born in this town.”

“Did you ever check out our death statics?” Xander said. “Hellmouth babies are an extra special taste treat. I think about 15% of the kids I started kindergarten with are still alive. Most of the people in this town moved here because it’s affordable.”

“So the odds are pretty much zero then,” Jack said.

“Pretty much,” Xander replied with a shrug.

“I am curious, HugoSimpson,” Teal’c said causing Jack and Daniel to look at him and then at Xander in realization, “why have you summoned us here?”

“Names Xander Harris… Actually its Alexander middle name I will never admit to Harris,” Xander said. “And I need you get me out of here. Out of Sunnyhell.”

“You’re afraid of getting turned, ain’t you,” Jonathan said softly.

“With what I got from them,” Xander nodded his head towards Jack, Daniel and Carter, “I’m terrified.”

“Turned?” Daniel asked.

“Vampire.”

“Like Dracula?” Jack said in disbelief.

“He exist but there is debate on if he’s your typical vampire or a different type,” Xander answered.

“A different type of vampire?” Jonathan gasped.

“Seems there a couple different types of vamps. The ones around here are the most common,” Xander stated.

Carter shook her head. “I’m sorry but… vampires!”

“Think of them basically as a non-native dimensional blood infection. The person is almost completely drain of blood and then infected with virus or bacteria. After that you died. Couple days later, your body wake back up as a vampire. It has all your memories, personality… just missing your conscience; whatever it is that keeps us from beating the brains out of the little old lady who have more than ten items in the 10 or less check-out lane,” Xander explained.

“And Dracula is different, how?” Daniel asked.

“From the records I’ve seen, Bram Stoker, got it right. Probably even interview Dracula,” Xander replied.

“There’s records?” Jack said in disbelief.

“This isn’t a new thing,” Xander replied with a shrug. “There been people fighting this since the dawn of time.”

“Ok,” Jack said as he exhaled. “So you email all of us so we would come here and help you to get out this town?”

“I’m 16, Jack. You’ve seen the statistics for this town,” Xander answered. “Add in the fact my parents are drunks who would gladly sell me to someone if it means they get cash to buy more alcohol with. The longer I’m in this town the great chance of being turned. Think about what would happen if you, Carte and Daniel were changed. The good part of you gone and only the desire for death and destruction remain.”

“Lots of explosions,” Jack said with a nod of his head.

“I would start with the school,” Xander said with a creepy smile.

“Xander?” Jonathan said hesitantly. “What about… umm… the…”

“The girls?” Xander supplied.

“Girls?” Daniel chimed in.

“The guardian,” Xander said answering Daniel’s question. “Actual you being here and who you dressed up as helps me out.”

“Huh?” Jonathan said in confusion.

“I want you to take my spot,” Xander said simply.

“What!” Jonathan exclaimed.

“Look originally I thought of Larry or one of the other jocks taking my place but you going as Gandalf is perfect,” Xander replied.

“What! No! I can’t!” Jonathan exclaimed as he shook his head. “I’m not a fighter.”

“They don’t need a fighter. They don’t need muscle either. They need someone to be there for them when things are bad. They need someone to kick their ass when they get a wild hair up their ass. And that is something that Gandalf could do very well,” Xander explained.

“But… but I’m not Gandalf,” Jonathan replied.

“And I’m not them,” Xander waved a hand at SG-1, “But I can do a pretty damn good impression. I need you to be Jonathan the Grey and help the guardian on her journey to protect the world from the forces of evil.”

“Laying it on a bit thick, kid,” Jack chimed in.

“No. No he’s right,” Jonathan said as he sat a bit straighter. “As Uncle Ben told Peter Parker, ‘With great powers come great responsibilities.’ It’s my duty to help them.”

“I believe it was Edmund Burke who said ‘All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing,” Teal’c said.

Jonathan nodded his head with a thoughtful look on his face. “My biggest concern is how are you going to get them to accept me. I mean I’m not exactly you and if you’re leaving then…”

“The G-man already knows about this,” Xander said with a nod towards the member of SG-1. “As for the girls… the best way to deal with them is not to listen to them.”

“And that’s probably bad advice,” Jack chimed in. “Girls… women tend to get upset when you don’t listen to them.”

Xander rolled his eyes. “Ok listen to them, conside what they say and then ignore it.”

“That’s probably not a good idea too,” Daniel suggested.

Xander shook his head. “We got a guardian who thinks she’s right because she’s the guardian and doesn’t stop to think. More of the stakes first, ask questions never. You have the G-man who trusts books and prophecies too much and never looks outside the box. And then you have the third member of our quartet, who is very bright but lacks… I guess you could say common sense. She can learn anything, do almost anything she puts her mind to but she never stops and asks herself if she should do it. Someday that’s going to come back and bite her in the butt… and with luck it won’t get the rest of us or the world when it chomps down.”

“And what of your weakness,” Teal’c asks. “You have pointed out the weakness of your comrades but what of yourself?”

“Before Halloween I would have said lack of self-worth and lack of intelligence. I did have a nice dose of situation awareness which is what kept me alive all these years especially with my parents,” Xander admitted. “After Halloween… I’m just fucked in the head. With 3 people and a hyena in your head, it can be a bit of a pain just to think.”

“Hyena?” Jack said n surprise.

“Long story,” Xander answered in a tone of voice that discourage questions.

“The general will never believe any of this,” Carter said with a shake of her head.

“You want to bust her bubble or shall I?” Xander said as he looked at Jack.

Jack sighed in frustration.

“The military knows about demons?” Jonathan asked excitedly.

“No,” Jack said firmly. “The military know about people who are… unique. Maybe a different shade of skin color. Blood is a little different. Maybe a few extras. But not matter that they’re people, just a little different.”

“He means demons,” Xander translated.

Carter shook her head. “I never informed about them.”

“That’s because you never walked on the dark side, Carter,” Xander replied. “Beside most people who run across them either dismisses them as just being different or they never get the option.”

“You mean they died” Daniel said.

“Or eaten,” Jonathan said softly. “I remember… Gandalf… Orcs would eat the dead and sometimes their prisoners.”

“Suddenly I’m not very hungry,” Daniel said as he pushed his lunch which he had been ignoring away from him.

“Pretty much the normal around here,” Xander said before finishing off his burger.

Washing the burger down with the rest of his drink, he said, “So do we have everything settled now? Jonathan takes over my spot of pointing out the real world to the girls and I get to escape Sunnydale and being attacked by barbecue fork so I don’t come back and decide to paint the town red.”

“Yeah I think so,” Jonathan said as he grabbed his trash from the table he had originally been sitting at. “I’ll pull a Gandalf telling Bilbo Baggins he’s now a burglar when I meet the girls.”

Xander grabs his tray full of trash and walks over to restaurant garbage bin. “Come on Lou,” He said. “Grab your minions of destruction and let’s get going.”

“Minions of destruction?” Lou repeated as he and his team hurriedly grabbed their stuff. “Wouldn't that be them?” He nods his head towards SG-1.

“Hey!” Jack said in protest. “We are not destructive… most of the time.”

“No,” Xander said with a shake of his head. “They’re quartet of the great mooning.”

“Great mooning?” one the members of SG-2 said as he threw his trash away.

“As in drop you pants, bend over and show them your ass,” Xander replied.

“I believe O’Neill has only had to do that once as a mean of distracting our enemies,” Teal’c said calmly.

“For some reason I’m getting the feeling that I got the better party of this deal than you did,” Jonathan said as he throw his trash away before wondering off.

“For some reason, I think you’re right,” Jack commented to Jonathan’s retreating back.

“Oh come on Jack, I’m not that bad. Picture how bad it would be if this had happen to Kinsey,” Xander suggested.

Almost every member of the StarGate teams shivered over the horror of that idea.

“See, I’m not that bad, am I?” Xander said with a cheesy grin.

The SG teams shook their heads. “I find the through of Kinsey possessing the knowledge of O’Neill, DanielJackson and Carter to be most disturbing,” Teal’c admitted.

“With what I know about Kinsey, I couldn’t disagree with you,” Xander said as he pushed open the door and walked of restaurant. “Next stop the Espresso Pump!”

“What! Why?” Jack demanded as he walked out the door.

“Well beside the fact that Daniel’s coffee level is probably dangerously low which in turn lead him to incredible stupid stuff, I for one don’t want to be shot in the head by Coburn when he loses it,” Xander explained as he walks in the direction of the local coffee shop.

Coburn looked at Xander with a confusion look on his face. “I’m not going to lose it!”

Xander turned and looked at him. “Let me guess, ever since you’re arrived into this town you’ve been on edge, snapping at everyone. Slowly being driven insane by that feeling of danger you’ve been feeling.”

“How do you know what?” Lou demanded.

“Because I know everything he knows,” Xander replied as he pointed at Jack. “And he’s know that Coburn has a pretty damn good danger senses. For those in the know, they would consider Cobrun to be a sensitive; able to feel the mood of anyplace he walks into. Then when you add in the fact that I know what happens to people who have this talent leads us to going to the Espresso Pump for a Love Potion #9.”

“Love Potion #9!” Carter sputtered.

Xander shrugged his shoulders. “The owner is a big fan of old songs.”

“So what exactly happens to people who are sensitive? And what’s in a Lover Potion #9?” Jack asked.

Xander sighed. “Good old Sunnydale is not nice to sensitivities, so one of three things can happen to them. Now understand it all depends on the how sensitivity a person is. Lower to middle level normally go comatose or they wonder into a situation they shouldn’t. Higher levels… they crack and normally kill themselves… sometimes taking friends and family out before they do themselves.”

“And the third things that could happen?” Coburn asked.

“The lucky ones either have someone drag their asses down to the Espresso Pump for a Love Potion #9 or them stumble in themselves and one of the girls down there realize the problem,” Xander explained.

“And what is this drink,” Lou demanded as he glance over at his teammate.

“Think of it as ear muffles and sunglasses for the danger sense,” Xander explained. “It will be still there but not screaming it’s head off the whole time. As for what’s in it… I don’t ask and they don’t tell.”

“How long will this drink inhibit Coburn’s senses?” Teal’c asked.

“About one to two weeks,” Xander answered. “The people I know who drink the stuff do so about once a week.”

“I don’t understand. Why don’t they just leave if this place is driving them insane?” Daniel asked.

“Because by the time they realize what’s going on and it wasn’t stress or nerves from the move it’s too late,” Xander answered. “They bought the house, moved in, sent the kids off to school… invested too much time and money to run away. Most people move here during the summer when school is out and the town is the most peaceful.”

“And no one warns them before hand?” Daniel demanded.

“No. why should they? You see this town is the perfect trap. It’s quiet, peaceful. Very low crime if you ignore the accidentally deaths by wild animals and barbeque forks. Low taxes, reasonably homes prices. And lots of job opening,” Xander answered. “Most people never realize it’s a trap, they go on living their live as they always have. And if they see anything that is out of the originally, their mind so explains it away. Sunnydale Syndrome makes the bad thing go bye-bye.”

“I have a question,” Lou said as Xander reaches for the door of the coffee shop. “You said that you wore some of their clothes for Halloween and someone cast a spell which in turn downloaded their brain into your.”

“Yeah,” Xander said with a nod of his head.

Lou nodded his head. “So where did you get their clothes from.”

“Airline unclaimed luggage sells,” Xander replied.

“But the airline are required to track down the owner of the luggage if it gets lost,” Daniel stated. “I make sure that I always have my name and contact information in my luggage in case it happens.”

Xander snorted. “And you honestly believe that they’ll do that? You know I have this bridge in Brooklyn for sell if you’re interested.”


~*~


“Oh God! That is horrible,” Coburn exclaim as he tried to clean his tongue with his shirt sleeve. “The taste won’t go away.”

“Remember they said you can’t drink or eat anything for 30 minutes after drink it. And you can’t brush your teeth either,” Xander said before take a drink of his iced coffee.

“Yeah. Yeah,” Coburn grumbled as he continued to trying to wipe the taste from his tongue.

“Do you feel any different?” Ferretti asked with a gentle nudge to get his teammate’s attention.

“A little,” Coburn replied with a shrug.

“Give it a bit more time,” Xander suggested. “So… now that we fixed him, what’s next?”

“You tell us, kid. You’re the one to call us here,” Jack replied.

Xander ran his hand through his hair. “Well I have a few things at home I would like to get before we leave. Nothing major just a few photos and stuff but after that we can leave. It’s best to get out of town before sun down.”

Jack nodded his head. “Lou, take you team and check us out of the hotel while we gather up the kid’s things.”

Ferretti nodded his head before his team and he headed off in the direction of the hotel.

“Is Coburn going to be alright once he leaves this town?” Daniel asked.

“Oh sure. He’ll be real mellow once we get out of town… although we might have to buy his a bag of Cheetos later one,” Xander admitted as he started to walk in the direction of his home.

“That drink didn’t have any marijuana or any other illegal substances, did it kid?” Jack asked as followed the kid.

“Nope, not a one. It’s just a combination of different herbs and other stuff. And it’s only slightly addicting,” Xander answered.

Jack grabbed Xander’s arms and turned him towards him. “Addicting? How addicting?” he demanded.

“About the level of a cup of coffee. At the very worst he’ll have a slight head ache when it wears off,” Xander admitted.

“So nothing that would cause him to go out and search for another hit of it?” Jack asked in a form tone of voice.

“Nope, not unless he stays Sunnydale and then it will be his danger sense that will drive him to it,” Xander admitted.

“I notice something unusual about the young woman who prepared our beverages,” Teal’c commented.

“She’s a demon,” Xander said before Teal’c could continue on.

“Demon?” Daniel said as he stopped himself from taking a drink of his coffee.

“One of the peaceful clans that’s been here for a couple centuries,” Xander said before finish off his iced coffee and throwing the cup in the trash can he was walking pass. “Most of them work as barista and bartenders. They have this ability to sense what a person wants exactly. Like if you ask for a martini shaken and not stirred. Do you want it shaken rigorously or gentle?”

“So that’s how she knows to prepare that drink for Coburn,” Carter said.

“Yeap. Soon as he walked in she knew what he needed,” Xander replied.

“Can they do anything else?” Jack said thoughtfully.

“Nope. They just make really good drinks,” Xander replied.

“I’m kind of disappointed,” Jack stated. “I figured demons could do more than that. Take someone over. Make their head spin around while vomiting pea soup. You know demon things.”

“Different demons do different things. It all depends on how far their dimension is from our dimensions,” Xander explained. “The dimension her people came from is not that far from owns, whereas the dimension the blood demons which cause vampires come from is much farther away.”

“So the farther away a dimension is the worst the beings are?” Daniel asked?

Xander shrugged his shoulders. “Maybe. Maybe not. All depends on the reason why they came here. Some demons come here because they were forced to by wars, political unrest and another such crap. Other comes to try to have a better life or for chocolate and other yummy goodies. And some other comes for Pinkie and the Brain reasons”

“Pinkie and the Brain?” Carter asked.

“Trying to take over the world,” Jack answered. “It’s a cartoon about laboratory rats that keep trying to take over the world and failing.”

“They’re like Kinsley but smarter,” Xander added in.

“Hey that is no reason to insult Pinkie and Brain by comparing them to Kinsley,” Jack said in defense of the cartoon characters. “Kinsley’s more like the bad guy in Who Framed Roger Rabbit only without the helium voice.”

“Too bad he’s not as easy to get rid of,” Xander said with a shake of his head.

“He would probable pollute the water system even if we could do it,” Jack replied.

“Do you know what they’re talking about?” Daniel said softly to Carter.

Carter shook her head. “No a clue.”

“They are discuss how Senator Kinsley is like the villain in a 1988 live action and animation comedy mystery movie which was set in the late 1940s,” Teal’c answered. “It contains a number of important life lessons that people show learn.”

“Such as?” Daniel asked

“No judging someone based on their looks,” Teal’c replied. “To quote Jessica Rabbit, ‘I’m not bad. I’m just drawn that way.’”

Xander and Jack stopped in their tracks and turned to look at Teal’c.

“I don’t want to know,” Jack said with a slow shake of his head.

“Ditto,” Xander chimed in as he turned around and started to walk off.

“So how much farther is your house?” Jack asked.

“Two houses,” Xander replied. “I’ll just run in and grab my stuff. No reason for you to come in.”

Jack nodded his head. “Sure. Go one ahead.”

And with that Xander sprinted ahead of SG-1 and up the sidewalk to his home.

“Colonel?” Carter said as she watches Xander vanish into the house.

Jack stopped at the beginning of the walkway that lead to the house and waited. “It’s nothing to be concern about Carter.”

“Don’t you think that we should met his parents? They’ll probably be worry about him suddenly disappearing,” Carter stated.

“I doubt that will be an issue?” Jack replied solemnly

“Boy! Where have you been!” came from the house.

“Not the first soldier I’ve seen who never wanted to go home,” Jack stated before Daniel or Carter could comment.

“But he’s not a soldier, Jack,” Daniel pointed out.

“I would have to disagree with on that, DanielJackson,” Teal’c said in a calm even tone of voice. “While XanderHarris does not serve in any of your military, he is in fact a soldier. Did he not in fact say he assisted the Guardian of the Hellmouth in her duty? The only reason he is removing himself from the field of combat is he realize what could happen if he was turned. He would not only be a danger to his friends and family but possible the universe itself.”

“How so?” Carter asks in surprise.

“I have read the novel Dracula by Bran Stoker; in the novel Dracula is described as by extremely strong and immune to conventional attack. In addition has a number of powers that can be used to control one’s thought, animals and even the weather. He can walk in the daylight unharmed and most importantly he is immortal,” Teal’c answered. “Imagine what a person like that could do on a world that know nothing of vampires or how to arm themselves against them.”

“One makes two. Two makes four… and on and on,” Daniel chimed in. “And they could spread across the universe in an instant through the StarGate.”

“Well one good thing is we won’t have to worry about a Goa’uld taking one over,” Jack said happily. “Vamps are dead and they can’t live inside a corpse even if it’s an undead one.”

“And get the good stuff this time!” came from the house as the front door open and Xander walked out a backpack hanging on one of his shoulder. He pulled the door shut behind him.

“Let’s go,” Xander said when he joined the members of SG-1.

“Don’t you have to pick something up for you parents,” Daniel asks with a nod of his head towards the house.

“Nope,” Xander replied. “Especially not with my money that I had been saving. They found it when they went through my room looking for this they could sell.”

“Mind if I ask what they needs the money for?” Jack asks.

“Gambling and alcohol,” Xander replied. “They actual tried to sell me to some Armenians when I was little.”

Jack looked back at the Harris household. “Do you think anyone would notice if the house blew up with them in it?”

“Burning it to the ground would be less noticeable and easier to explain,” Xander replied. “the only people who would mourn them would the local bars and stores they buy their poison of choice from.”

“You would not mourn your own parents passing?” Teal’c asked.

Xander stopped and turned to look at Teal’c. “Your father loved you, didn’t he? He was there for you as much as possible. Taught you things, protected you.”

“He did,” Teal’c answered.

“Well mine didn’t,” Xander replied simple before turning around and continue walking in the direction of the hotel.

They were almost to the hotel when the SUV that the SG teams have arrived in pulled up beside them. “Need a ride,” Ferretti said with a cocky smile as he leaned out the window.

“Depends. Where’re you heading,” Xander answered before Jack could make a witty reply.

“Well considering Meat Loaf’s Bat Out of Hell was on the radio when I started the vehicle, I would say out of Hell,” Ferretti answered.

“At least it wasn’t Hotel California,” Jack comment as he opened the SUV’s door.

“That on the other side of town,” Xander comment as he climb in the SUV.

“I really hope you’re joking,” Jack begged.

“Nope,” Xander replied with a small smile. “Plus there is the Last Roach Hotel.”

“Roach Hotel?” Daniel chimed in.

“Actual it’s the Last Approach Hotel which is up by the airport but the first three letters are burnt out so it’s the Roach Hotel,” Xander explain as he buckled his seat belt. “Guest check in but they don’t check out.”

Ferretti but the vehicle into gear. “What’s the speed limit out of this town?” he asked.

“Don’t know. Never been out of town before,” Xander replied with a shrug.

“Well then there is a first time for everything,” Ferretti said as he turned onto the road that lead out of town.

Shortly afterwards they past the ‘Now leaving Sunnydale’ sign; Xander let out a sigh of relief.

“You know it’s not over yet,” Jack said. “There’re physicals, debriefing. Some more physical with big needles and some more debriefing. A couple dozen shrinks who will try to convince you that you have a Oedipus complex. They’ll ask you if you still wet the bed and other fun things.”

Xander shrug his shoulders. “I’m not too surprise by that, after all I hold the key that every man wants.”

Jack looks at Xander in confusion. “And what’s that?”

“I know how a woman thinks. I can go on for hours about how nasty a period is or what a woman is really looking for in a man,” Xander replied as he glance back to the vehicle that was following them, the one Carter and Teal’c was riding in. “And after I’ve explained all that I can start explain about vampires, demons and other things in the dark.”

Jack snickered. “I can see you driving a lot of people to drink.” He then took a deep breath and let it out slowly as his demeanor change. “But in all serious, kid, you know that they’re not going to let you go. I mean what you got in your head, how it got there… they’re going to want to watch you, study you.”

Xander nodded his head. “I know that. I knew that before even contacted you. I didn’t have much of a choice in the matter. It was too dangerous for me to remain there and killing myself would hurt my friends more than anything. Beside I have a plan on how to deal with my so called watchers.”

“Yeah? What’s that?” Jack asked.

An evil grin appeared on Xander’s face. “Tell me, Jack. What would you do in my position?”

Jack looked thoughtful for a moment before a twisted grin appeared on his face as he chuckled evilly.

“That’s probably a bad thing,” Daniel commented.

“You have no idea,” Ferretti comment. “You have no idea.”

“Think they’re figure out a way to take over the world?” Daniel asks.

“More likely the commissary. Ruling the world would require paper work and you know what the Colonel feels about that,” Ferretti replied.

“Never figure that the world would be saved by paper work,” Daniel said with a shake of his head.

“The world has been saved by less,” Ferretti replied. My biggest worry is Darth Xander.”

“Darth Xander?” Xander said as he leaned forward against his seat belt.

“Yeah! You got DR Jackson, Carter and Jack in your head. Trust me, you’re Darth Xander,” Ferretti answer. “The only question is if you’ll be using you skills for the light side or the dark.

Jack leaned forward. “Come to the dark side. We have cookies.”

“Do I get to help torment Dr. Frasier and drive General Hammond to want to pull out his no existing hair?” Xander asked.

“Of course. Plus you get to help torment Goa’uld and make snide comments about Anise,” Jack replied.

“I’m in,” Xander replied with an evil grin. “But can I have Twinkies instead of cookies.

“We’re doom,” Ferretti and Daniel said at the same time.

The End

You have reached the end of "Homer says D’oh". This story is complete.

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