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Ankh-Morpork Has Nearly Everything...For A Price

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This story is No. 46 in the series "Life (And Unlife) In Sunnydale". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: At last! The true 'Innocence' episode over exactly how a California teenager got his hands on such a deadly weapon which should've been kept thoroughly under lock and key by the military. Slightly AU here regarding canon, then it gets...weirder.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Literature > Sir Terry Pratchett(Recent Donor)ManchesterFR1311,3490101,98620 Sep 1320 Sep 13Yes
Disclaimer: I own nothing. All Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters and Discworld characters are the property of their original owners.



"....and after the two of us got back to the school from our big fat failure of sneaking into the army base on our own, Cordy spent a full five minutes screaming at me without repeating a single insulting word for coming up with such a stupid plan. That's why she next stomped out of here in the worse mood I've ever seen her, just before you showed up. So, naturally, I wasn't bothered too much by a three-hundred-pound orangutan appearing from thin air right in front of me."

“Oook?"

"Oh, there's a bunch of old-style National Geographic magazines hidden in the supply closet, those black-and-white issues with pictures of half-naked native women. They must've been squirreled away over the years by other guys going to Sunnydale High. Anyway, among the rest of the sticky pages are some articles and drawings about the wildlife of Borneo in between the photos of various dark-skinned ladies wearing nothing but a smile and grass skirts."

“Oook."

"Well, you asked."

“Oook?"

"Beats me, dude. That's the only idea I had, stealing something which could take down the Judge while following the whole 'no weapon forged' instructions. All the swords and axes we've got here in the library wouldn't work, so I figured a machine gun or bazooka or anything else made in modern foundries by machine tools would be an acceptable loophole in that dumb rule--"

“Oook!"

"What? Hey, where'd you go? Yeah, great, vanish back into the bookshelf to your own library-- Yow! Would it kill you to knock first or ring the doorbell--?"

“Oook."

"A...soufflé?! Why do you think some light and fluffy cake will... Okay, that was damn impressive. I'm still gonna have to be the one to fix the wall afterwards, mister."

“Oook."

"Nah, no need to apologize. Just yank it out of there, will you? Hmmm, doesn't look too bad. A little spackle, some paint, and it'll be good as new again. What the hell's that thing made of, anyway?"

“Oook."

"Dwarf bread? You gotta be kidding me-- Wow, you're not? That's just beautiful, for sure! I mean, you can't ask for anything better to dodge the whole 'forged' edict. How'd those little dudes make it in the first place? Carving or baking or-- Uh-oh."

“Oook?"

"Look, it was a really, really, good idea, I want to say. But it hardly won't fly-- I mean, it won't work. Besides you, the Buffster's the only one of us strong enough to frisbee that soufflé right through the Judge's neck or hit it anywhere else to turn our latest Big Bad into a million blue splinters. See, the whole problem with that is, um, I better show you first-hand. We just need to head up the corridor to the Home Ec lab. Or more correctly, what used to be the lab."

“Oook..."

"Awesome, isn't it? I didn't even know there was such a thing as a six-alarm fire. And all it took was for Mrs. Summers’ dearest daughter on her first day in class to try boiling water at her lab table. She promptly got a passing grade for the entire semester plus a lifetime ban against even attempting to do any more cooking in school. To sum up, if Buffy lays just one finger on your soufflé, there won't be anything minor going wrong like it falling flat. More likely, inside two seconds that dwarf cake will turn into a few dozen handfuls of nothing but useless crumbs."

“Oook."

"Yeah, we might as well go back to the library and try to think up something else."

“Oook?"

"Huh? Sure, there's some books there with pictures of what I was gonna look for and take if Cordy and me had managed to get inside the base. Why do you want to see them? I thought the Discworld hadn't even gotten around to inventing the steam engine yet."

“Oook."

"Magic? Isn't that kinda too much of a risk? We're in the middle of a Hellmouth--"

“Oook."

"Fine, fine, don't tell me. It better be worth it, though. Okay, this hardback about military stuff is what we need. Let's go to the hand-held antitank missiles--"

"OOOOK!"

"Owwww! Don't yell right in my ear, you--! Oh, goody, he's gone again. If I ever get a chance for a little payback-- HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, A ROCKET LAUNCHER! Where the hell did--"

“Oook!"

"What kind of weird place are you running over there, anyway? Somebody really returned an inter-library loan with that as a leftover bookmark? Giles acts nearly his stuffiest ever about this. It's almost as bad as overdue books--"

"Eeek."

"Never done it in my entire life! I always showed up without fail bright and early the day before at the library, all ready to give back each and every one of 'em in perfect condition! Willya please calm down a little? Geez, it's like two peas in a pod, that same glare in both yours and G-man's eyes when the subject comes up."

“Oook."

"Yeah, you'd get along absolutely great, if it wasn't for that pesky Boca del Infierno thing where you won't be able to come back again for years after today's mystical convergence. Can I take a closer peek at the rocket launcher now? This table will do. Okaaayyy, it seems to be perfect. Just the right size for me to carry singlehanded from the army base. That'll help selling a totally bogus story to Cordy about a more successful second raid by myself, both stealing this and escaping without being noticed."

“Oook?"

"No offense, but the truth ain't gonna go down easy with the other Scoobies, and we can't afford to spare the time to argue over this. It's either a teeny white lie to keep my girlfriend happy about a fairly reasonable outcome of how I got hold of a real rocket launcher, or they listen to me explaining in full detail how a fictional ape from the Pratchett dimension paying a quick visit through L-Space gave us something we really need against the Judge. Honestly, what's the problem?"

“Oook."

"Are you serious? The instant Cordy hears my fib, she'll invent her own fake story where we got away with it together on the first try, but she became the heroine who was responsible for pulling it all off. Me, all I did was the heavy lifting, and if I even think about telling Buffy, Wils, Oz, and Giles otherwise, I'll never get to second base with her anywhere ever again."

“Oook?"

"Sexual experimentation."

“Oook."

"Hey, from what I read, you were a human once too before a stray spell accidentally changed an Ankh-Morpork wizard into what you look like now. So don't be dissing our species--"

“Oook."

"Oh, come on! Just because your hometown's got a reputation for hustling tourists and newcomers that'd put even the Big Apple in the shade, you don't have to live up to it by charging me for the launcher! I got maybe a couple bucks on me at the most, for crying out loud! What're you gonna spend it--"

“Oook."

"Well, I'll be dipped in...chocolate. They actually don't have them there?"

“Oook."

"Fair enough. The oddest thing is, even at this time of the night, Sunnydale's only twenty-four-hour ice cream parlor is still pretty much safe. I guess even our worse vamps and demons occasionally feel the need for sweet gooey goodness and don't want to risk ruining things by snacking on the other customers. Okay, give me twenty minutes and I'll be back then with your order. Um...even though they'll toss in for free the bowl as a souvenir, you really want the biggest one they sell?"

“Oook?"

"It's just that the name might be a little bit rude in your case."

“Oook."

"Right, whatever, ice cream is ice cream. Before I take off, though, let's shake on the deal. In return for one rocket launcher, you get a King Kong banana split with extra cherries."

“Oook!"

"I'm going, I'm going already!"

The End

You have reached the end of "Ankh-Morpork Has Nearly Everything...For A Price". This story is complete.

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