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Barf Vader

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Summary: Response to Challenge 5944 Text From Last Night

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Multiple Crossings > Buffy-CenteredSSanchezFR1522,012072,0344 Dec 135 Dec 13Yes

Glitter and Blood

Second chapter, or ficlet? story? in this little series. I decided to make it a chapter instead of posting a whole other story. Still from the same challenge, but different crossover. Just to be clear, the texts with area codes are the ones I took from the website textsfromlastnight.com and the numbers have no importance other than indicating what sentences are not mine. I don't own Buffy or the Avengers, but Joss Whedon has a hand in both, and Marvel is in there somewhere.



As Faith stumbled up the stairs of what looked like a deserted old building in the warehouse district of Cleveland, she tried to remember how she got there and why she slept curled up next to a homeless man in the basement. Shielding her eyes from the overly bright offending morning sun, she stumbled into an unfamiliar alley and started emptying her pockets.

She had a speeding ticket, which was weird because she didn’t have a car. Especially not an Aston Martin! When was she driving a Bond car? She also had a wicked looking arrow woven into her leathers, five dollars in quarters, and her mobile but that was it. No wallet, no ID, and no clue how she got there. Her leathers were ripped, though not in the typical claw marked way they usually are from fighting demons, and she apparently lost her shirt. Pulling her jacket closed over her bra she looked at her phone. It was half past ten and she had eight missed calls from Buffy at various times during the night, but not since five this morning. Deciding to save what would undoubtedly be awesome voice mail messages for later she tried to remember what happened.

Working her way through the night she remembered going to that silly wine bar B was so excited about and then convincing her, after several glasses of some stuffy expensive Merlot that a casino was the place to be. That’s where they met that Stark guy Buffy was so excited about. Apparently he liked blondes too because he latched onto her and didn’t let go. Faith was pretty sure she threatened to break him if he touched B’s ass again, but that was about it. Her memories were getting fuzzy. At that point, Stark was buying them plenty of shots. That’s when the night took a turn for the bizarre, even for slayers.

Stark claimed he could fly and Buffy dared him to show her so after pulling a five hundred dollar bottle of scotch from behind the bar the man transformed into some kind of robot grabbed Buffy around the waste and they shot out of the casino like some kind of drunken sci fi robot missile weaving around the slot machines until they disappeared out the front doors. The last thing Faith remembered was following some guy called the Eagle or Hawkeye or something stupid like that to a shooting range outside of town. That didn’t explain how she ended up snuggling with the dirtiest urine soaked half dead homeless guy in Cleveland, and where did B end up?

She sent off a quick message to the Council requesting a ride, and then another to Buffy asking her if she was alright.

Buffy replied, (330) “I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.”

“What happened?” Faith responded feeling a little jealous that Buffy ends up with a fridge full of good food, and she ended up with the homeless dude.

Buffy: (785) “All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn’t my blood." "Too bad I liked those shoes.” She added.

Before Faith could reply to that, Buffy sent another message. “Did I fly last night? I remember flying, but I think maybe I just drank way too much wine.”

Laughing out loud Faith winced as her head warned her not to get too excited until she could put at least two or three beers down. It was the best hangover cure she knew, her mom always called it Hair O the Dog whatever that meant, but it worked. Too bad she’d have to convince D to give her another ID, and order a new debit card. At least it was cheaper than B losing or destroying a car every other month. She didn’t understand what the big deal was. All they had to do was print one out on their fancy little magically enhanced ID maker, but Dawn always gave her a hard time and tried to lecture her on responsibility and conserving resources. Faith almost knocked her down the last time with that speech.

“You flew out of the casino with robot man and a bottle of scotch.” Faith replied.

“Shit, I think I’m at Tony Starks house! Where did you end up?” Buffy asked.

Faith stopped to consider. Did she explain about the Bum and the basement? Nah. “Got into an all night brawl with some demons, passed out in an alley.”

“Did you get em all? You Ok?” Buffy replied.

“5 by 5.” It was like a fuckin slayer to ask if they got all the demons and then ask if you are ok. ‘Fucking slayers. I gotta get out of this town.’ Faith thought, but she knew she wasn’t going to leave Buffy unless things got real bad. They may not seem like best buds on the outside, but this wasn’t the first time Buffy ended up covered in glitter with blood on her shoes. B was a lot more fun now that they didn’t have the weight of the world on their shoulders. Who else would shimmy up the tallest building in Cleveland, without a rope, at four in the morning half tanked and make out with her? Who else could take on fifteen vamps in stiletto heels and not drop her bottle of gin? Who else would buy her a motorcycle for her birthday, and trust her enough to ride behind her all the way to the Keys? Who else would take her back after what she did to her? No one except B, that’s who. It was only Buffy who really accepted her now. Sure the other Scabies, as she liked to call them, pretended to like her for Buffy’s sake, but Faith knew how they really felt.

Leaning against the brick wall waiting for the Council car to pick her up, Faith got another message. (570)”Why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?” Buffy asked.

Laughing again Faith replied, “(1-570)You tried to order a margarita mcflurry and when they said they didn’t make those you tried to call 911.” That was pretty much why Faith stuck around.

“Don’t tell Dawn!” Buffy replied.

“What are you going to do for me?” Faith responded. Yep, this was why Faith stuck around Cleveland fucking Ohio the used condom of America, because B was there.

The End

You have reached the end of "Barf Vader". This story is complete.

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