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Alternate Takes

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Summary: Amazing how picking up a few dropped plot threads and re-introducing a few old school characters can change the course of destiny and Fate...

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
BtVS/AtS Non-Crossover > Comedy > Cast: Scooby Gang(Current Donor)IronbearFR1814,5361101,4124 Jan 144 Jan 14Yes




Alternate Takes

A Buffy the Vampire Slayer non-crossover story

by Ironbear




Story Blurb: Amazing how picking up a few dropped plot threads and re-introducing a few old school characters can change the course of destiny and Fate...

Title: "Alternate Takes"

Author: Ironbear

Rating: PG-13 (FR-18)

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel the Series and characters thereof belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Warner Brothers, 20th Century Fox, and Kazui Entertainment. Everyone else belongs to their respective owners, except for my own original characters. And hey – I'm not greedy about them.

This is a work of derivative fiction. All persons, characters, names, places, locations, entities, personages, and/or deities contained within are purely fictional, or fictional representations thereof, and any resemblance to any real persons, characters, names, places, locations, entities, personages, and/or deities are purely coincidental, or they are used in a purely fictional manner.

Summary: A more than slightly skewed and warped look at how the discussion in "Chosen" might have gone with the addition of a few other characters. Okay. More than just slightly warped...

Type: BtVS/AtS non-crossover, Horror, Supernatural, Comedy

Chronology: Takes the place of "Chosen" in BtVS season 7.

Pairings: Xander/Cordelia, Buffy/Spike, Willow/Kennedy, Willow/Oz

Author's Note(s): A part of the "Life in Sunnydale" non-series. Just my warped sense of humor taking the discussion of Buffy's idiotic "Plan" in Chosen and running with it. And then running away with the "What if... ?" possibilities. And then cackling loudly and malevolently...

The only thing you really need to know here for setup is that while she was in Los Angeles to resoul Angel, Willow figured out that something was wrong with Cordelia and exorcised Jasmine from her, and then brought Cordy back to Sunnydale along with Faith for the battle with the First Evil.

Oh – and Oz came back.

Why?

Just because there is NO season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer that can't be improved with more Cordelia Chase. And more Oz. Period. ;)

Warning: Character death(s). Also, if you think Buffy's plan really was "bloody brilliant", you probably won't be amused by this.



Alternate Takes

by Ironbear




The Scene:

All of the Scoobies, Potentials, and the Scooby Auxiliaries are gathered around in the family room at Chez Summers as Buffy holds Axe-Caliber (The Slayer "Scythe") up and outlines her daring plan for defeating the First Evil and its army.

The Story:

Everyone looks at Buffy incredulously after she finishes outlining her newest plan...

Buffy looks back, proudly. "So, guys, what do you think?"

Xander ducks his head slightly, scratching beside his eyepatch. "That depends. Are you in any way... kidding? Or maybe, uh, what's the word I'm searching for here... "

Arching her eyebrows, Cordelia says, "Insane?"

Xander taps his nose and points at Cordy, replying: "What she said."

A pouting Buffy says, "You don't think it's a good idea?"

Standing on the opposite side of the mirror from Buffy, Faith shrugs and says, "It's pretty radical, B."

Giles looks up from where he's sitting by the window. "It's a lot more than that," he says, standing, "Buffy, what you said, it – it flies in the face of everything we've ever—every generation has ever done in the fight against evil!" He smiles, adding, "I think it's bloody brilliant."

Buffy blinks. "You mean that?"

Giles shrugs. "If you want my opinion."

Staring incredulously at the two of them, Cordelia makes a time out signal with her hands. "Whoa! Wait a minute. Bloody brilliant? Okay – who are you and what have you done with Giles? Are you still the First? That's not bloody brilliant, it's the Underwear Gnomes!"

Looking affronted, Giles splutters out, "Now see here – "

Cordelia glares at him. "No, you see here! What, this is like that Star Trek episode Xander made me watch... Spork's Brain? What, did someone lobotomize you back in England before you came back?"

A smirking Faith says, "Gee. You should quit holding it in, Queenie, and tell us what you really think."

Cordelia grins at her, then scowls back at Buffy. "First off, how do you even know what that freaking amulet does? Who gave it to Angel?"

Buffy shrugs. "He said it was from a not so reliable source, but it has cleansing powers. Like scrubby bubbles!"

Cordelia rolls her eyes. "Right. And that would be so helpful if we were getting rid of that nasty bathtub ring left by all the Potentials."

All sixty or seventy Potentials crammed into the room look affronted. "Hey!"

Anya smirks around the room. "We don't need to hear from the canon fodder."

All sixty or seventy Potentials crammed into the room look insulted. "Hey!"

Anya rolls her eyes. "The trampy new girlfriend is talking. Go ahead, Cordelia."

Cordelia glares hotly at Anya. "Hey!"

Xander is starting to look panicky at the heated glares between his former fiance, old and new girlfriend, Giles, and Buffy.: "Umm... yeah, go on Cordy. What's the prob?" ALL of them transfer their glares to him: "Ulp!"

Willow looks around sheepishly. "I think we should hear her out. Remember – Not to poop on the party here, but I'm the guy that's gonna have to pull this thing off."

Everyone glares at Willow. Willow goes, "Eep!" and hides behind Kennedy.

Buffy glares at her. "Fine. So, tell me how much I suck, since you seem to get such a kick out of that, Cordy."

Cordelia, returning her glare to Buffy, says, "Gee, I had a point here somewhere, Buffy, but I seem to have lost it off somewhere to Xander's left. Oh! I remember: so, how do you even know that that nifty red axe thingy can empower all of the Potentials?"

Buffy, who is now looking furious after the Xander's eye reminder, exclaims, "Because it's just chock full of Slayery Power!"

Cordelia nods. "Right. You bet."

Buffy glares. "The Guardian said so!"

Cordelia gives Buffy a skeptical look.

Buffy glances away. "Okay, maybe not in so many words, but she said it was created egons ago for the Slayer to use."

Giles, wincing, says, "Eons... "

Faith, says, "Meaning hey, I'm the Slayer, so hand it over, Blondie."

Buffy glares at her. "Shut up and stay out of this!"

Faith glares back. "You do remember that they never actually voted me off the island, right? So technically I'm still in charge here."

Xander intones, "She is not wrong."

Buffy cocks her fist back and looks at Faith. "I'll 'in charge' you, F... "

Faith holds up her hands, palm out. "Fine. But I'm just sayin' is all."

Spike glares around the room. "Here here. I think you're all a bunch of bleeding traitor– "

Faith rolls her eyes and stakes Spike. "Oh, fuck you, Dickhead." (Spike poofs into dust with a surprised expression) "And fuck your spin off, too."

Robin beams at Faith. "Thanks. But you could have maybe grabbed my mommy's coat first?"

Faith rolls her eyes again. "Bitch bitch bitch. Fine. See if you get another taste." (beat) "I shoulda swiped his smokes first, though."

Buffy stares mournfully at the pile of ashes... "But now who'll wear the amulet?"

The assembled Potentials all look at her. "Hey! You're souled and stronger than a human!"

Buffy glares around the room at them. "Oh, you'd all like that, wouldn't you!"

Faith blinks, looking incredulous. "Wait – Buffy has a soul now? Since when?"

Andrew intones pompously, "She went to Africa and won it in a series of demon trials for Spike. It was so romantic!"

Buffy glares at him. "I did not!"

Faith, becoming even more puzzled looking, says, “So you don't have a soul then?”

"Let's give Harmony her soul back and make her wear it," Xander suggests.

Cordelia rolls her eyes. "Oh, please. I'm not sure that Harmony had a soul before she was turned."

Buffy and Willow wince. "Ouch!" They lick their forefingers, touch each other, and make sizzling sounds. "Feel the burn, Harm."

Cordelia drums her fingers on the coffee table. "Back to the topic, huh?"

Xander, looking confused, says, "We had a topic?"

Cordelia looks confused for a moment, also, and then brightens. "Oh yeah! Miss I'm Guarding the Slayer and Watching the Watchers But I Can't Like Do Anything To Help During The Last Sixteen Apocalypses. That Guardian? You mean Miss I Can't Even Foresee My Neck About To Be Snapped Girl?"

Buffy glares. " – "

Cordelia glares back. "I'm waiting." (beat) "And what about all the Potentials that don't agree, huh?"

Buffy shrugs. "We have them all here. We'll ask them."

Cordelia sighs, and points out, "What about the ones outside of Sunnydale?"

"There aren't any outside of Sunnydale!" Buffy objects.

Cordelia rolls her eyes. "Oh, please. They've just been trickling in steadily every day for the last few months, one or two at a time. Jeeze. We've got, like, sixty in this room right now and two more just showed up this morning. And we know this is all of them how exactly?"

Giles coughs. "Given that the First's Bringers have been hunting them down steadily, it stands to reason that – "

Cordelia gives him a skeptical look. "You're guessing, right?"

Giles looks embarrassed. "Well... "

Buffy, rolling her eyes, huffs, "Fine. We'll design the spell to only affect the ones here. Happy now?"

Willow starts to look panicked. "Uh... I don't think I can do that."

Buffy glares at her. "Don't go all wicca that won't a on me now, Will."

Oz glares at Buffy. "Hey!"

Buffy snorts. "Bite me, Wolfie."

Oz gets a speculative gleam in his eye... " – "

Willow, looking alarmed, says, "Oz! Don't you dare!"

Oz huffs and folds his arms.

Xander smiles maliciously. "Yeah, Oz. At least this way it's only three days a month, not six."

Buffy glares at him. "Hey!"

Anya shrugs. "Cordelia has a point about the amulet. And the axe - "

Buffy glares at her now. "Who asked you?"

Anya smiles brightly. "No one. I'm just being helpful and pulling my weight finally like you yelled at us all to do."

Buffy gives her a puzzled look. "I did? When?"

Everyone - "Right before the big Ubervamp Cage Match!"

Buffy rolls her eyes. "Oh. Right. Well, forget about that."

Anya smiling sweetly, says, "Too late!"

Cordelia... "Back to the stupid amulet and axe... "

Buffy exclaims, "Scythe!"

Cordelia snorts, and continues, "Axe! What if they're like that idiotic Slayer Emergency Kit – "

Robin glares at Cordy. "Hey now – "

Cordelia continues rolling right over the interruption. " - And they pop out some stupid demon that slaughters us all when they're used?"

Xander, looking alarmed, adds, "Or poof! and out pops the First Slayer." Willow, Xander, and Giles all look at each other and shudder...

Giles begins polishing his glasses. "Perhaps I was a bit hasty in my 'bloody brilliant' surmise - "

Buffy huffs, "Oh shut up. Who asked you, anyway?"

Kennedy starts to look panicky. "But I really wanna be a full Slayer!"

OTHER Potentials all roll their eyes. "Oh shut up. Who asked you, anyway?"

Kennedy glares around the room. "Bite me, maggots."

Cordelia, on a roll now, taps her chin with a perfectly manicured forefinger. "And you want to wait until after everyone is down in the Hellmouth battling for their lives to create all the new Slayers? Are you deficient? "

Buffy says, looking puzzled, "Yeah?"

Cordelia eyes her. "Why not before you open the Seal?"

Andrew glares at Buffy with an outraged expression. "We're opening the Seal? Wait – you mean I faked crying for nothing?"

Anya interrupts. "Wait, time out – still I'm a bit unclear on this. Back during the ADAM years, when the Cult of Vahrall was trying to open it, wasn't the Hellmouth just a big hole where the High School used to be?"

Giles, looking intrigued, says, "Yes... ?"

Anya looks at him, and asks, "So where the heck did this Seal come from, anyway?"

Xander gives her a bland look. "But – didn't Buffy tell you?"

Buffy stares at Xander with a raised eyebrow, and folds her arms across her chest.

Xander grins lopsidedly. "The Hellmouth went to Africa and underwent a whole bunch of trials, won, and- wait for it– "

Everyone – "It has a Seeeeaaaalll now!"

Buffy huffs. "Bite me, assholes."

Anya nods. "Oh. That makes perfect sense. Thanks!"

Xander beams. "I love it when a punchline comes together."

Buffy glares, then turns to Cordelia... "It's all a part of my tricky strategery-thingy. See, the First won't know we're planning to empower everyone, so when we're all down inside they're fighting like normal people – "

Potentials chime in: "And dying right and left. Again."

Buffy glares, ignores them. "– And all of a sudden, wham! Empowery-menty!"

Cordelia stares at Buffy, with her mouth falling open. She closes it finally and stares some more... "Wait – you landed on your head after you jumped off that tower, right?"

Dawn looks speculative. "Huh. That would explain a lot."

Buffy glares at her. "Bite me, Key Gal."

Dawn glares back. "Bite me, dumb ass." She kicks Buffy in the shins again.

Xander rolls his eye and says, "Let's be clear on this: the brain damage happened before Dawn pushed her off the tower."

Dawn huffs. "Bite me, Tool Boy." She kicks Xander in the shins.

Buffy winks at Xander, and says, "Yeah. I distinctly remember hearing Dawn saying: Hey! If I'm made of Buffy, then Buffy is me! SHOVE!" She makes a plummeting motion with her hand while giving a bomb whistle...

Dawn sticks out her lower lip and folds her arms over her chest. "I hate you both."

Buffy stares at her. "Seriously. Next time – you, world? The world wins."

Dawn's lower lip starts to quiver. "Mom said you wouldn't choose me."

Buffy rolls her eyes. "I didn't kick you out of the house, brat."

Dawn huffs, "Fine. Throw that up in my face over and over... "

Faith rolling her eyes, interjects, "Girls, girls – you're both pretty."

Anya, ignoring the entire byplay, says excitedly, "Hey! Why not call Spudly, I mean, Riley back and have him bring his demon fighting team to help?"

Buffy says in a scoffing tone, "But they're the military! Don't you remember what they did before?"

Anya looks confused. "Helped you track down and kill a Suvolte Demon that Spike was milking for eggs to sell?"

Buffy glares.

Xander suggests, "Sent an entire team and doctors down here on a moment's notice to remove Fangless's chip just because you asked?"

Buffy glares.

Willow nods. "Pissed you off and made you feel inferior because Riley brought his hottie Mary-sue wife with him to show off?"

Buffy taps her nose and points at Willow. "Got it in one, Will."

Cordelia shrugs. "Hey, sounds good to me. We could use more firepower. Oh! And another thing... turn every Potential into a full Slayer? Have you lost your mind?"

Potentials start glaring at her indignantly. "Hey!"

Cordelia says, gesturing to Faith, "I mean seriously. What if they're like Miss Cover of Sanity Fair here?"

Faith jerks back, affronted, "Hey!"

Cordelia hides behind Xander. "Uh, no offense."

Faith says, glowering at her, "None taken." (beat) "Bitch."

Cordelia smiles brightly at Faith before looking back to Buffy: "Besides. We still don't know if Willow can even do the stupid spell."

Buffy looks incredulous. "Of course we do!" She gestures at Willow: "This woman - " (points to Willow) " – is more powerful than all of those old African geezers combined." Willow makes a whimpering sound. "What?"

Willow starts to look panicky again. "Well, except for the part where I may not be... "

Buffy pats her on the shoulder comfortingly, and a bit patronizingly. "Of course you are, Will. And hey, if you go all black eyed and veiny? We'll just have Kennedy kill you."

Oz blinks. "Hey."

Willow says, beaming, "Thanks, Buffy!"

Oz looks alarmed now. "Hey!"

Willow says reassuringly, "It's okay. It's Buffy's job to kill her friends. I told her so."

Anya glares at Willow. "Hey!"

Cordelia says, tapping her chin with an elegantly manicured nail again, "Those would be the African geezers you said created the First Slayer with icky demony rape?"

Potentials look wide eyed at her. "They did?"

Buffy glares. "You weren't supposed to say that to the cannon fodder, uh, Potentials."

Cordelia smiles. "Oopsie! Oh, and hey – if it's icky demony rape for the African guys, it's not icky mass demony rape when Willow does it because... ?"

Buffy huffs, and says scornfully, "Because, uh... she's an emancipated white woman!"

Rona and Robin look at each other, then at Buffy: "Hey!"

Willow makes a whimpering sound.

Buffy rolls her eyes, sighing. "This was a lot easier when the only black person we had was Mr. Trick."

Rona and Robin look at each other, then glare at Buffy. "Hey!"

Faith smirks. "Hey, B – Did you ever sleep with Trick while you were at it?"

Xander smirks back at Faith. "Trick never went to Africa to blow a seal for Buffy."

Buffy glares at both of them.

Rona gives Buffy a decidedly jaundiced look... "So, Buffy, when this African demon was sticking tentacles up your cootchie, was it singing 'Where be de white women'?"

Buffy looks confused.

Robin glares at Rona.

Rona spreads her hands and looks innocent. "Hey. As long as we've gone from metaphors for feminine empowerment to so far past PC that we've crossed the line twice... I just thought I'd ask, okay?"

Giles says, polishing glasses furiously, "I may become quite ill soon... "

Kennedy says, glaring at Buffy, "African demony tentacle rape. Wow. That sounds like feminine empowerment all right."

Faith, smirking, says, "And gee, when we did it in the women's lockup, they just called it rape. We should have told 'em it was a 'Feminist Statement'."

Everyone except for Xander chimes in with, "Eww." Cordelia dope slaps Xander for looking at Faith with a dreamy expression...

Xander winces and rubs the back of his head. "Hey! Ow."

Cordelia and Faith glare at him. "Pervert!"

Xander glares back. "Blow me, Chase."

Cordelia gives him a puzzled expression. "Didn't we do that last night?"

Xander smirks: "I was hoping for a matinee performance." They lean together and kiss. Awww...

Andrew says, dreamily, "When we did it in Warren's basement, we called it 'anime'."

Everyone looks ill. "Eww."

Giles throws his glasses into the air in disgust, and huffs, "The Earth is doomed."

Faith, Cordelia, Xander, and Dawn exchange glances. "Uh... Pass us the brain bleach, please?"

Buffy throws up her hands in disgust and glares at Cordelia: "Fine! Do you have any better ideas?"

Cordelia shrugs. "Hey! Just because I don't have a better idea, doesn't mean this isn't the dumbest non-plan that ever planned!"

Oz interjects, laconically, "We can open the Seal and smother all the Ubervamps with humus."

Cordelia stares at him. "I stand corrected."

Anya raises her hand and waves it for attention.

Giles looks up from examining his now broken glasses: "Yes, Anya?"

Anya says excitedly, "Ooh! Ooh! I know! Empower everyone first! Then put Faith and Buffy and Kennedy around the Seal with the Troll Hammer, the Scythe, and the Blessed Acathla sword! And- and station a few spare SiTs around to spell them when they get tired. Oh – and blow a hole in the roof all the way up to let sunlight in over the Seal... and then they just play whack-a-mole when the Ubies start climbing out!"

Xander, looking enthused, chimes in with, "Yeah! And put a few SiTs at the doors leading out just in case some get past the Slayers. Oh – and station the regular people (us) at the three sewer exits with improvised flame throwers like we did at Graduation!"

Cordelia, nodding and also looking excited, says, "And shotguns for the Bringers."

Xander points at her, nodding. "Oh- and the rocket launcher, for just because!"

Oz, nodding as well, says, "And we can mix up a whole batch of explosives and thermite and drop it in the Seal right after opening it, with a short timer."

Faith smirks. "You guys just want to blow things up."

Xander eyes Faith: "And this is bad because... ?"

Faith shrugs. "I got no problem with it."

Buffy retorts, fuming, "That's the stupidest plan I've ever heard."

Anya glares at her. "I think it's bloody brilliant."

Buffy glares back. "You would."

Giles says, "I- I have to agree with Buffy. It is far too well thought out. It flies in the face of everything we've ever done in the course of battling evil."

Cordelia looks at him with a puzzled expression... "No it doesn't. We've always researched and planned things before. And then pulled things no one would expect out of our, uh... "

Willow, with raised eyebrows, suggests – "Rectums?"

Cordelia makes a face. "I was thinking imaginations, but that works too."

Dawn rolls her eyes. "You weren't there for the tower and the 'My blood is Dawn's blood!' thing. Willow was right – rectums."

Buffy glares. "Hey!"

Dawn rolls her eyes again. "Oh please. Like, total asspull, Buffy." (beat) "You're just lucky the monks had a sense of absurdity."

The Potentials all smirk. "Or else they listened to one of her speeches."

Rona nods. "Yeah. I was ready to kill her after the tenth one. Or kill myself."

Kennedy nods as well. "Eve was smart to get out while she could."

Buffy huffs out, "Fine. Next time I'm throwing you all off the tower, starting with Dawn. I'll even stab you myself first."

Giles calmly interjects, "Regardless, while it does rid us of the Uruk-hai, err, Turok-han, it does nothing to defeat the First Evil."

Anya, shaking her head excitedly, says, "Wait!"

Everyone looks at Anya –

Faith says, "Well? Spit it out, demon girl."

Anya jumps up and shouts out, "Beljoxia's Eye!"

Everyone looks at Anya –

Anya looks at Giles. "You remember! It said the Slayer did it, and we determined that that meant the First was empowered because Buffy was resurrected again, right?"

Giles says, looking thoughtful, "You know? I'd forgotten about that. We did, didn't we?"

Cordelia looks confused. "Uh... meaning?"

Giles shrugs. "Well, it's bloody brilliant, actually. In order to redress the imbalance in the Slayer line and seal away the First Evil forever, all we have to do is, ah, kill Buffy."

Buffy glares at him. "Hey!" Then, looking around, she swallows hard: "Uh... why is everyone looking at me like that all of a sudden?"

Faith stabs Buffy in the heart from behind. Everyone stares at Faith as Buffy bleeds out – "What? I had a sudden relapse, okay? I'll go back on the Steps tomorrow," she said, glaring at them. “I promise.”

Andrew looks dreamily down at Buffy. "Now she's in Vampyre Heaven with Spike." He sighs. "That's so romantic." (sniffles)

Faith narrows her eyes and says thoughtfully, "After I kill Andrew."

Andrew says "Eep!" and hides behind Kennedy.

Kennedy hauls Andrew out from behind her by the scruff of the neck – "Here. I'll hold him for you."

The FIRST EVIL appears in front of everyone, cursing in a multitude of languages. "Darn it. I would have made it too, if it hadn't been for you meddling kids and that bitch."

Cordelia glares at it. "Hey!"

The FIRST EVIL gives her an apologetic look. "I meant the other bitch. Sorry."

The Potentials all look confused. "Which one?"

The FIRST EVIL points – "The dying one."

Robin eyes Buffy speculatively. "Shouldn't someone help her?"

Buffy – (Twitches, gasps, bleeds)

Cordelia eyes Buffy and then shoots him a skeptical look. "What, and start this up all over again?"

Xander shrugs. "She ignored my bleeding gut wound to check on Spike's boo boo. Fuck her."

Dawn eyes them both speculatively. "Cool. But you, Xander and Faith are gonna have to adopt me now, Cordy."

Cordelia nods. "Fine. But don't expect Xander to pay your way through college."

Xander nods. "Yeah. Bust your ass studying and get a scholarship."

Buffy – (Bleeds)

Giles slaps his hands together briskly. "Well, that was certainly simple enough. Who all is up for Disney Land?"

Cordelia looks at him. "Wait, who's paying?"

Anya shrugs. "I will." She eyes Willow and adds, "And then I'm going to dedicate the rest of my life to tracking down every remaining Urn of Osiris in the world – and destroying them."

Buffy – (Crawls over to Willow and clutches desperately at her pants leg)

Willow (kicks Buffy's hand away and) gives Anya an insulted look. "Hey! I wouldn't!"

Anya smiles brightly and says, "And then I'm nuking the sites from orbit."

Xander nods. "It's the only way to be certain."

ALL of the Potentials – "Okay! Then, Disney Land?"

Dawn looks thoughtful for a moment.... "Wait – who gets to bury Buffy in the backyard next to all the other girls?"

Buffy – (drums her heels against the floor)

Cordelia points at Xander – "Construction Guy here!""

Xander says, "Hey!"

Cordelia rolls her eyes. "Geeze. I did all the rest of the heavy lifting, Doof. Well, except for Faith and the wetwork."

Xander huffs. "Fine." (beat) "But I am getting some later, right?"

Cordelia beams at Xander: "Well, one way or another, you're going to the Magic Kingdom tonight."

Anya huffs. "I came up with all the plans. Shouldn't I be getting some?"

Cordelia rolls her eyes and says, "Fine. You can join us just this once."

The Potentials all say, "Okay! Then, Disney Land?"

The FIRST EVIL sighs: "As long as I'm not going to take over the world and become corporeal now, can I come?"

Xander shrugs. "After all the other formerly evil beings we've taken in, why not one more?"

Buffy – (death rattles, expires)

Kennedy accidentally breaks Andrew's neck without meaning to, and says, looking startled, "Hey! I'm a full Slayer now! Buffy was right – she did have to die for one of us to get it!"

Everyone pelts Kennedy with humus.

Robin looks at Kennedy and waggles his eyebrows. "Was it good for you too?"

Kennedy glares at him. "You're not African!"

Robin shrugs. "Closest we've got."

Faith rolls her eyes and dope slaps Robin.

Robin rubs the back of his head. "Ow."



~ The END ~

(Cut to the gang at Disney Land)




Joss wanders into the Writer's Bullpen, glances at the script. Freaks and starts pulling his hair out. Then he says "ow!" and starts pulling Marti's hair out...

"No no no NO! This is all wrong! Look, guys – we have an hour to do a wrap up, and we NEED a huge empowering message finish, even if it doesn't make sense! It's all about the visuals, for Spike's sake! Forget that idiot rape metaphor we introduced several episodes back – it's not the same thing, dammit. Buffy and Willow are empowered women, not old African men. And Spike dies? Buffy dies? Faith's the real carrier of the Slayer line? What IS this crap? And – OH MY GOD – Andrew dies? No no no NO! Everyone LOVES Andrew. And how the heck did Cordy get here? And Oz? After Charisma got preggers, I thought I said ptui! We shall speak of Cordy no more! What is this crap? That's it – she's FIRED next season." (beat) "Okay, that does it" (throws the draft script back at the writers) "Rewrite everything according to what I outlined, dammit."

Fade to Black. Rewind.



~ The END ~
(Really, this time. Honest.)




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