Back to the Dole
"And back to Sunnydale," Xander said as they passed the sign welcoming them. "And why are we here again?"
"Think of time and space like a river," Sirius said. "Now we are going upstream to see if we can find the place where it branches off to Penny's Sunnydale, since just hoping we'll hit it has done bugger all."
"And we can probably find it easier following a familiar trail."
"Makes sense. So we drive from where I started out, which would be the high school."
"We'd just blown it up and I had my bags packed so I could leave directly after the graduation ceremony."
"If I blew up Hogwarts I'd want to leave immediately too!"
"It was a group effort," Xander defended himself. "Chang's Mexican food!" he suddenly burst out.
"Chang's Mexican food?" Sirius asked as they pulled in to the parking lot of what appeared to be a traditional Mexican restaurant.
"The owner is actually named Kevin," Xander assured him. "He's Chinese and in fact no one who works there is Mexican or named Chang, but the food's good."
"Is it Mexican?"
"Rarely, it depends on who's cooking, what the general mood is and what the theme is."
"They change the interior all the time and that affects what they serve."
"So the menu is always changing," Sirius said with a smile.
"No, the menu stays the same, you just get the equivalent of whatever they are doing. Half the fun is guessing what you'll get."
"Sounds like fun," Sirius decided as they got out of the car.
"It is," Xander assured him as they entered. "I come here all the time."
They both waited a moment for their eyes to adjust to the darker interior as they waited for their host.
"Hello Xander, you're looking wonderful, but didn't I already seat you?" Despite being a thin white male, Dean (according to his nametag) carried off dressing like a young, Mexican, dancing girl surprisingly well.
"Am I already here?" Xander asked curiously.
"I seated you with several lovely young ladies just a few minutes ago," Dean assured him waving towards a table. "See?"
"Seat me with myself, please," Xander requested.
"Ok, but I'm going to give you Ahbed as your server, since Troy is already covering that table and he gets confused when you change orders."
"That'd be fine," Xander assured him.
"It looks like a traditional Mexican restaurant," Sirius said with a frown as he looked around.
"It was Jefferies turn to pick a theme and he chose traditional Mexican, because no one would ever expect it," Dean explained.
Sirius laughed as they followed Dean to a table.
"I'll have them bring more silverware," Dean promised, setting a menu down at two empty seats, surprising the people at the table. "Ahbed will be by in a minute."
A brunette, long haired, teen looked at the pair curiously as they sat down. "Xander, have you been playing with the Ferula Gemini?"
"Ferula Gemini?" Sirius asked.
"Don't look at me," Xander said with a shrug. "Sounds like a rabid Pokémon to me."
The red haired woman spoke up," Two Xanders and no Ferula Gemini?"
"Watch he's going to pull a Doc Brown and tell me he's here because of our kids," the other Xander said, nudging Anya with his elbow.
"Huh," Xander said surprised. "That actually is why we're here."
"Seriously?" their waiter (Ahbed) asked as the thin Indian man made his appearance.
"Definitely," Xander assured him. "See we've rescued one of our daughters from a zombie apocalypse and lost her world before finding out about her two sisters. So now we have to find her world again."
"Which requires backtracking," Ahbed said in understanding. "I'm guessing since he shows no sign of knowing his younger self you are traveling not just along the x-axis but the y as well."
"And z axis," Xander said. "I rescued Sirius from the Valley of Death."
"I'm lost," the other Xander said.
"So are they," Ahbed said. "And searching all three axis means you will likely never find your exact daughters again, unless you have their quantum variance recorded."
"I'd settle for rescuing any set," Xander told him. "See I wandered into their world and rescued one of the three, so I want to rescue two more so I'll have a complete set. The infinite other me's can handle the infinite other thems."
"If time travel existed there would be infinite timelines and infinite worlds," the other Xander said remembering what he'd read in an issue of Smallville.
"So my quota is rescuing three daughters and I already have one," Xander agreed.
"Who's the mother?" Dawn demanded.
"Penny's mother is Anya and Willow," Sirius said.
"Me?!" the red haired woman asked in shock.
"Yes, all three have two mothers, Anya and one other," the mage explained. "It required Willow's assistance each time, but she only has the one daughter."
"Am I a good father?" the other Xander asked anxiously.
"Please tell me I'm one of the moms!" the brown haired teen begged.
"I wonder what sort of injury would cause me to need surrogates," Anya said.
"We found her on a world where zombies had wiped out mankind," Xander reminded her.
"All we know is what Penny has told us, which is that Buffy and Dawn are the other sister mothers and one of the daughters was carrying on an affair with Xander with everyone's approval."
"What?!" half a dozen people exclaimed.
"Inspector Spacetime is his own grandfather," Ahbed said comfortingly.
"Inspector Spacetime?" Sirius asked.
"He travels through time and space in a blue police call box," Ahbed said his eyes lighting up as he talked about his favorite show.
"You mean like that Doctor guy?" Sirius asked.
'He's a timelord," Xander replied. "Sounds like someone made his life into a TV show."
"You know someone like Inspector Spacetime?" a young black man asked as he showed up and started passing out plates of food.
"He let me use the bathroom aboard his TARDIS," Xander replied. "Time And Relative Dimension In Space. It allows him to travel all of space and time, looks like a blue police box and is bigger on the inside than the outside."
"The car's bigger," Sirius said proudly.
"Yes, but it's a couple hours walk to find a bathroom," Xander said. "Well unless we use the one at the Porno Hut."
"Porno Hut?" several voices chorused.
"It was a world of zombies, so we refurnished a bit," Sirius explained.
"It's one of the buildings we stole and stuck in the backseat of the car," Xander explained.
"And you chose a porn shop?" Willow asked.
"Nah, that was just a small part of it," Xander said. "We stole large chunks of LA."
"How much room do you have?" Ahbed asked.
"No idea," Xander shook his head.
"So you two are wandering through all of space and time stealing things?" the black waiter asked incredulously.
"Troy, an empty world is a free world," Ahbed told him.
"Oh," he said calming down.
"We did steal dozens of mansions from the Death Eaters," Sirius offered.
"Zombies?" the other Xander guessed.
"Magical Nazi's," Xander explained. "Harriet was targeted for death by magical Hitler so we lent her a hand."
"You lent her a gland, while I took the battle to the enemy," Sirius teased.
"I helped her recover from a stressful time-" Xander replied.
"With his penis," Sirius teased.
"His penis is very comforting," Anya agreed.
"Really?" the brunette asked curiously.
"According to Snape it healed mental wounds," Sirius agreed.
"There are dozens of caulking jokes I could make right now," Troy said.
"I know," Sirius agreed. "So many that we just left the subject alone."
The Xanders chuckled.
"My older sister is the Slayer and I come from a broken home," Dawn said with a sniffle like she was about to cry as she scooted closer to Xander.
"I'll have what he's having," Xander told Ahbed.
"The brunette?" Sirius asked.
"Food!" Xander exclaimed. "I'll have the same food order as he's having."
"Gotcha," Ahbed said. "And you?" he asked Sirius.
"Food and lots of it," the mage replied.
"Noted, be right back," Ahbed promised.
"No illegal poaching," Anya told Dawn. "You can't borrow him until it's no longer a felony."
"Anya!" Willow groaned, while both Xander's stared at her.
"Back to start," Sirius said, ignoring the fact that Troy had pulled up a chair and joined them. "We are here to eat lunch, relax and then drive back into the sea of eternity and rescue two, possibly more, or Xander's daughters. Oh and to steal even larger chunks of LA this time."
"More?" the other Xander asked.
"We are aiming for two, but we may end up in a world where twins or triplets were the norm," Sirius explained. "Or one where Xander knows even more girls to have children that he will then proceed to have sex with."
"Redneck time travelers," Troy said in understanding. "I wondered why all TT's were white."
Xander groaned. "All I know is that in one alternate reality, things were really alternate."
"And yet you still won't love me," Dawn complained.
"But your daughter Electra is a weekly event," Sirius added.
"You're not helping matters," the other Xander said.
"He's not trying to," Xander assured him.
"Is there anyone Xander isn't banging?!" Willow demanded.
"Sunday?" Xander asked wide eyed as a blonde haired woman took a seat next to Willow.
"Sunday?" everyone chorused.
"The lesbian you slept with when you worked at the strip club?" Sirius asked.
"I don't recall sleeping with Tara," the other Xander said.
"But you do recall working at a strip club?" Willow asked.
"I was just the dishwasher," Tara and the other Xander chorused.
Ahbed returned and passed out food including setting places for Troy and himself.
"I met my Tara there, who was going by the name Sunday and wanted to try sex with a man," Xander explained.
"How'd it go?" Tara asked intently.
"Quite well, but that was because of who I was, rather than what I was," he explained.
"I'm lost," Troy said.
"He's saying Tara enjoyed the sex because she'd developed some feelings for him, not because he was male," Ahbed explained making the table nod in understanding.
"Technically Xander is banging everyone in existence," Ahbed said. "It's one of the perils of an infinite universe."
"Xander's cock?" Anya asked.
"Yes," Ahbed agreed. "It's like that Christian hymn he has the whole world in his hands."
"Only with more penis and instead of being in his hands it's his penis is inside you, all of you," Sirius said cheerfully.
"What are we discussing?" Annie a dark haired waitress asked joining the gang.
"Xander's penis and the Big Bang," Dawn replied.
"It's composed of dark matter?" Annie asked confusedly.
"Much too white for that," Anya disagreed. "It needs more sun."
"Did someone call?" Dean asked, joining the group.
"We are traveling in time and space," Xander quickly explained. "We just stopped here for lunch."
"Like Inspector Spacetime?" Annie asked.
"Just with a different vehicle," Xander agreed.
"And looting," Sirius asked.
"I've always wanted to try that," Dean said.
"They mean stealing entire buildings from worlds where man has died out," Ahbed explained.
"Mostly porn shops," Xander admitted.
"And mansions from evil wizards," Sirius added.
"We wouldn't be wanted in other worlds," Troy said, causing the staff of Chang's to exchange uneasy glances.
"Wanted?" Anya asked.
"Well… it started with Annie's boobs," Troy admitted.
"And ended with a riot, some arson and… some unpleasantness involving trained llamas," Ahbed added.
"And twenty three deaths, that we totally weren't responsible for!" Tony finished.
Xander and Sirius exchanged looks.
"Ok," Xander agreed. "We'll take you with us and the restaurant, but it's random where it ends up in the back seat, so pack as if you were going on a weeklong trip and we'll get you when we find a world where you aren't' wanted for multiple counts of murder."
"And inciting a riot and animal cruelty," Troy added.
"We live in the bomb shelter beneath the restraint," Ahbed said. "It's safer."
"And back to start," the other Xander said. "So you're me, but a younger me who's road trip went a bit farther than mine and got to sleep with Tara?"
"Hey!" Willow protested while Tara blushed as much as was humanly possible.
"What?" the other Xander complained. "I think getting to sleep with Tara is worth more than a little jealousy."
"He's got a point," Anya agreed.Typing by: The Last Primarch!
AN: Decided not to use this one as there are really not enough Community fans.